Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife and I have hardly had sex in 20 years

Impotence, erectile dysfunction

Salam,

I’m an Arab professional who moved to the US when I was 23. I did not want to commit Zina so I got married to an Arab-American girl 2 years younger than me. I was handsome, loving, kind and very successful.

After we got married, she showed lack of interest in sex. Fighting and arguing with me about it. I knew her for a year before marriage and we got along very well, so I thought maybe she needs time to get used to me and I waited. Our sex became a fight. I’m gentle and grew up with sisters so I know how to be patient. She mentioned that she doesn’t like sex but wants to have a child.

We had our first daughter and I was the best husband and father. Bought her a big house, multiple cars and jewelery...basically, whatever she asked for. We became best friends except sexually. I thought she might be frigid. I spent hours listening to her childhood struggles and offered to take her to see a physician or a therapist. Five years later, we had 3 kids, a period during which we had sex 5 times. Sex became infrequent and I got tired of asking and begging.

I kept myself busy taking care of her and the kids. Working 10 hours a day and spending the rest of the day baby sitting, cleaning, and helping with laundry. I took her on vacations, fine dining, and gave her everything. I convinced myself to be abstinent and dedicate my life to my children and providing for the family.

Now, I’ve been married for 20 years, the last time we had sex was 5 years ago, and we had sex around 30 times in last 20 years. I tried everything: loving, religion, therapy, and kindness but she’s not interested. I’m in great shape and women approach me regularly.

I cannot get a divorce because I don’t want my children to suffer for my selfish reason. And of course, she won’t let me marry anyone else.

I dedicated my life, money, and gave up my friends and own family to keep our marriage alive so my kids can grow up in a healthy environment. I’m easy going and I don’t fight or cause any drama.

I'm 48 now and my hormones are through the roof. I've tried fasting, praying, dua, gentle discussion. She just does not have an interest and is not willing to see a physician, therapist, or counselor.

I would have left her if I did not have children. It just breaks my heart to put them through a divorce

I’m stuck

John Sand

 

 

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3 Responses »

  1. It's only right you get a second wife then as the first wife can't fulfill your needs. It may become a shock to her but after a while it will settle in. Just treat them both fairly and no one will be angry.

  2. As I see this, you can either keep the way that you are right now and risk committing zina, or take a second wife, which might result in your first wife leaving you. Islamically, it is clear as day which is the option you must take. You mentioned that you dont want to divorce for selfish readons. That is not true. Your wife has unfortunately not been fullfilling her islamic obligation of meeting her husband's needs, and protecting yourself from zina and other sins should take priority, even at the risk of losing her in the process.

  3. As-salamu alaykum brother. My opinion is that you should marry a second wife, or divorce your wife and marry someone else. Your reason is not selfish. Sexual desire is a part of the human makeup and is a reason for marriage. Your wife failed to live up to her obligation. Maybe she has a history of childhood trauma that makes her scared of sex, or maybe she is a lesbian... who can say? The reason doesn´t really matter at this point.

    Frankly, you were patient much longer than most men would have been, including me. I suggest that you present her with a choice: second wife, or divorce.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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