What’s the point of marriage when it becomes “sex-less” eventually anyways?
Salam,
About three weeks ago, I made a post but forgot about it. I'm making another post as the previous one didn't get many responses. So I am an 18- year-old boy and have been suffering from this issue for many, MANY years. I have looked for solutions to end this suffering and frustration yet I am still stuck. I don't know what to do. There's no way out for me.
My sexual frustration, the longer it goes on, will ruin my mental health. My sexual urges are extremely high. They have led me to the sin of masturbating, which I'm trying to stop and will stop InshaAllah. The problem is that I'm living in a hypersexualized world, where there are so many temptations and sex and attractive women are everywhere...yet I can't have these things because I'm a Muslim. The women I want are non- Muslims, and I'm a Muslim so can't really marry them either.
The most important point I want to make is that I don't ever want to get married. I have just given up on ever getting married. It just feels so hopeless. I have grown to have resentment for not being able to have sex. Yet at the same time my sexual urges are killing me from the inside despite wanting to stay celibate for rest of my life. I have tried everything to seek help from others and solve this problem, but I haven't succeeded. There's just no one in real life I know that can help me, to whom I can talk about my problem.
I just hate being attracted to women. I hate wanting sex so much. I hate having these desires. I believe having these desires is bad and evil. I believe being sexually attracted to women is objectifying women and marriage isn't really for satisfying desires (I'm sure women/feminists will be happy that one less man on the planet will be attracted to them since being sexually attracted to women is so objectifying). Plus, most marriages end up sexless eventually, according to the stories of numerous married people. So why waste time, money and effort getting married if I will only be getting sex for the first 2-3 years or like once in a month?
I don't know what to do. Please help me. I have been trying to solve this issue for years, but I am stuck. There's no way out for me. I'm helpless and want to cry so bad.
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Bro I posted the same question as yours on this website 10 years ago. At that time I was 16, today I'm 26.
Teenage hormones and sexual urges had crushed me and my life..at that time, marriage seemed a far off impossibility. 7-8 years were full of pain and silent suffering..
By Allah's will, I kept on struggling and fighting my desires and tried my best to have taqwa..masjid and good islamic company kept me afloat amidst the crazy world out there..
Today I type this to your post with my wife by my side Alhumdulillah. Marriage is a big shield against these desires..
Point is...Allah's help surely arrives for those who see it through patience and prayer. We are weak and it seems to us that we're stuck forever. But these years of your struggle against these desires will make you a unique individual and someone who has a special state with Allah.
Never lose hope..when u fall, pick urself up and turn to Him. Repeat until you reach your goal.
Brother, what a great comment! So glad to hear how things have worked out for you, alhamdulillah. What a barakah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazak Allah brother.
If I remember correctly, your full name was Wael AbdulJawad?
I read a lot of your comments here back in the day. Great responses mashaAllah.
Glad to see you people have hung around for so long and are still providing counsel for people.
May Allah Taala reward you and your team.
Yes, that’s me 🙂 Thanks for your words akhi.
Yes brother, it's hard but I know Allah will definitely reward me with all the things I want in this life and the next.
I know it will be the most difficult for me because I will struggle with this until my death because you know, I am never getting married. But I will let my desires torture me, so that torture can make me into someone new, a greater version of myself.
Forgot to congratulate you, brother. May Allah bless you both with a peaceful marriage till death.
Anyways, I'm not ever getting married. I have decided to live a life free of marriage and sex. Yes, it sounds like a lonely existence, but I believe it's the best choice for me. I must suppress my desires. I must let these desires torture me, as they already have tortured me for so long, so letting it torment me till death is nothing.
Salam JRR
Before I start, I will like to give you a disclaimer that what I'm about to say might not necessarily be immediately pleasing to you, but I think you need to hear it.
Not even addressing the sexual aspect of what your talking about yet, bro you have a very defeatist mindset.
there is a famous saying "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right."
If you say your going to live a tortured life, then well done, you taken the first step to having that reality.
If you say, I'm going to be the best Muslim that I can be, get married and have a successful marriage where we have great sex as much as we both want throughout our marriage. Then guess what, your already on your way to that reality.
So my point is why rob yourself of hope. And to be completely honest with you, what your asking for is not even remotely close to being some far off nearly impossible goal, people get married all the time (people in even worse situations mind you), why can't you. there are people, literally right now in marriages where they've been together for decades and they still can't keep they're hands of each other. So don't make sexless marriage into a bigger fear than it is.
If you do live out this tortured life that you speak of, it won't be because it was inevitable as you like to keep telling yourself, it would be because you essentially committed yourself to that outcome. it would be as they say a self-fulfilling prophecy <-- (search that up if you've never heard of it before).
Furthermore, It's very sad to hear that you carry deeply within yourself this notion that having desires is bad and evil, and somehow, this has led you to conclude that Celibacy is what you should do, where did that come from?
Besides that, you're not allowed to be celibate in Islam anyway: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/87998/ruling-on-one-who-forbids-marriage-for-himself
Unless perhaps in extremely rare circumstances where someone may be asexual (they don't find anybody attractive). Which I know for certain isn't your case, by your admission that your sexual urges are very high.
Whether you don't feel your attractive enough (go gym or start boxing classes) or that you don't have enough money (at the moment(get a job, at least part-time)) are honestly not good enough reasons to feel so hopeless. these are both very attainable things as a young man or anything else you feel you may be lacking. I guarantee you you can improve on it.
Your only a young man and so by default you start off on a low level and that's perfectly fine. No man was fully formed at 18 years old, so give yourself a break. In fact it's a great thing, because you are in a prime position to form yourself into the kind of individual that you want to be. what could be more hopeful than that?
Furthermore please don't allow yourself to fall into this secularist ideology of feminism, or all these other isms that may be out there. you need nothing more than deen ul Islam.
So in closing, the objective REALITY my bro, is that the problem you have is super solvable (like super) and honestly it's not worthy of you lamenting over your situation and being so hopeless.
Also your desires are completely natural and there's nothing wrong with having them This is exactly how how Allah created you, and Allah also created for you the means to fulfill that desire, there are women, and you have the strength and capability to make yourself a viable candidate for said women (all in halal of course). Just fulfill them in a halal manner (because it's well within your ability to do so, FACT) and don't succumb to the screeching and shaming tactics of the feminist/extreme liberal narrative and allow yourself to be so mentally defeated. You are a MAN, a fully capable competent and youthful young MAN.
If you want something, you CAN work towards it, and it Will (Insha'Allah) be yours, at least you won't live a miserable existence, that alone is worth the effort.
It's a simple fact of life. You do the work, You reap the rewards.
Go out there and get it, You got this man.
I hope this helped
Salamu Alaykum