IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Asalamu Alaykum w rahmatu Allahu w barakatu,

I really need guidance...the act of committing zina has been really affecting me lately. I fear Allah subhana w taa’la. I feel like there is a heavy rock on my chest and soul.

I am a Muslim, 19-year-old female. I do understand that I’m not doing all of my five duties right. I don’t wear hijab, but I do try to pray, repent to Allah, don’t consume alcohol, fast and give zakah, and recite the Quraan. I’ve been modest for the most part--I didn’t talk to guys or date or anything of that sort. I only went out with my mother mostly as I am very attached to her.

Two years ago, I traveled abroad to study in Russia, leaving my family back in Lebanon. I don’t have anyone here, no friends or family. After half a year, I became closer to this 19-year-old Muslim male friend in University from Egypt. We got closer over the summer. Nothing inappropriate was happening. We just went out and had fun in the park and so on.

He’d always go with me because I’m scared of going out alone--a lot of guys try get to know me, or drunk people in Russia start following me. I don’t know anyone else and he was the only one who I didn’t feel was flirting or anything . When university started again, things kind of went one after the other. He really cares for me , and I for him. When we were sick, we’d buy one another medicine, during Ramadan eat together, he’d support me when I didn’t feel good alone in this country or had problems with studies.

Then he told me that he likes me. As he was expecting something back, I said "I’ll think about it." My parents are far and they wouldn’t allow me to date right now, it’s haram. Also, we wouldn't be able to get married soon because my father's divorced mother is struggling and he’ll have a financial problem, and furthermore not approve of a Sunni guy.

I tried explaining to him, the guilt I would feel entering a relationship, but he said we don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, but he’d expect some hugging and so on. That night, I confessed my feeling after a long talk, we said we’re gonna be in a relationship and we kissed. I had my first kiss...I cried about it later on but he tried calming me down.

Things started slowly escalating from here, and after two months, we had sexual intercourse, lost our virginities to one another, and continue to do so after I tried my best to stop and continue without the act. We’re still in a relationship ten months later.

When my mother paid me a visit to see me, I gathered the courage to talk to her about it and introduced them to one another. She doesn’t know that we are that far into the relationship, but telling her will ruin the relationship, But we really want to repent to Allah in the future. I’ve brought it up and such, we can’t find a sheikh here to marry, and I don’t want to marry without my father's and mother's approval as it is mandatory so that marks out marriage for now (as well as financially).

I asked him about his religious views and we had a long talk on how we want to make up for our sin and the act of zina. He promised to marry me and he and his mother consider me his wife. He will do what it takes to marry me and have my father's approval. He also will work hard when we will get the chance to work (we are both medical students on the same year).

I’d like to add that my mother doesn’t support that he’s poor right now and that he's not handsome...he's essentially using me and she thinks I can find much better.

Personally, looks fade, I see a fear of Allah within him, he’s mature, and he’s the type to keep his word.Having said all that, and taking into consideration that I cannot get married in the current moment, my parents will be furious and maybe even send me back to Lebanon or worse. Is it wrong to consider ourselves husband and wife in front of Allah swt, fix it by marrying in deen in the future?

Breaking up will be much worse for me because I am not pure anymore and I don’t want anyone else since I should stand by my actions. When I committed zina, I made a commitment and promise in front of God to erase my sin and take him as my husband given the opportunity.

What do you suggest?

Sister