Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I tell my parents I want to marry someone else?



I am a young Muslim woman from India in need of advice.

I’m in my first year of my Bachelor's curriculum studying medicine. I've met a guy that is the same academic year as me but four years older. I have never talked with a male for no reason, but we started talking due to academic interactions.

Long story short: I knew he liked me, but I always treated him like a brother. Despite my efforts, we both developed feelings for each other and now we both wish to get married. We have not done any Zina nor intend to. We just talk.

Everyone says love doesn’t exist before marriage and maybe that's true, but I can swear by Allah SWT he is willing to do everything just to be with me and I cannot bear the thought of losing him.

I know we shouldn’t have started talking in the first place, but he's changed a lot just because I have asked him. To start praying Fajr, Tahajjud, asking for dua when upset instead of secluding himself. And he has done all that.

I am of proper age for engagement and he comes from a family that is honorable, but my parents would not consider him for my marriage. I know that maybe if his family was financially very strong, my parents would definitely overlook his family background and at least consider him.

With time though, I found out this was not the case. They are fine financially, but not like us. As you must know, many parents wish for their daughter to go into a household that is financially the same if not better than them.

We have discussed these issues with one another, and he wishes that I wait until he at least has something to show academically to my parents until he properly proposes so that my parents consider him.

In the past, I have received many proposals from family and outside of family Alhumdulillah, but back then, I was too young nor did my parents completely like any one of them. They wanted to wait for better, but also because I was young and studying, they gave me the time to do that.

Just recently, I have received yet another proposal. According to my parents, he might be a good match for me. He is a surgeon, but they have not disclosed more information yet. They have yet to visit or see me, but this is the equivalent of a yes already by my parents!

I don’t know what to do. How do I tell my parents that I wish to marry someone else? Because if they are to find out, honor killings are still present here, and I will just add a number to it. They are very strict in this regard and I know they will most probably get me married off ASAP if not worse if they find out.

And in all honesty, I love him with all that I have. He has taught me to be patient with my siblings, care even more for my parents, and overall, I see that he has brought out much good in me. I have gotten closer to Allah SWT since I met him because I am always asking Allah SWT for him.

I can't imagine being with someone else. In my heart, I have tied my whole future with him and so has he with me. I have no sister to ask for help, no such friend that I can trust. I can’t tell my mom because she will surely tell my dad. My family is very sensitive regarding these things so I don’t know how I should approach this.

Is there a dua? A wazeefa? ANYTHING to help me?? I ask Allah for help all day and I swear I feel my mental health deteriorating. What if I have no choice but to marry this surgeon? I will never be able to love him or be a good wife, and I could never imagine leaving the man I love like that. It feels like cheating him. I’ve told him about the proposal and he is more devastated than me.

How do I stop this engagement without my parents having the sense that I like someone else? And how do I make this work between me and him??

Please.. any dua.. any wazeefah? Any advice?

A muslim girl


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1 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Sister,

    If your parents consider themselves Muslim and practice at least to an extent, then they should not stop you from marrying of your choice for any Islamically appropriate reason. Your father is your Wali and you will need his approval and blessing as he is to give you in marriage, so you must tell them of the brother that you wish to marry. They may not take it well at first, but they probably care for your well-being and will soften over time as long as you explain everything to them in a respectful manner. Also, I would recommend not appearing desperate, because it will make them trust you more if they know you are making this decision with a good head on your shoulders.

    Because you have feelings for this other man and came upon him through no haram on your part, it would be unfair to marry the surgeon unless you so choose. The surgeon deserves someone who is fully interested and invested in him.

    Have you prayed Salat-Al-Istikhara? This prayer, for which there is information atop this page in the blue menu, will give you a lot of peace as you proceed, as you will know you are being guided by Allah in whatever you do. I would also make dua to Allah to not allow you to do anything that He is not pleased with.



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