Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family dysfunction led to my Borderline Personality Disorder



As-salaamu Alaikum,

I am a 28 y/o woman from India, reverted to Islam more than 10 years ago. Naturally, the rest of my family members are non-Muslim and have gotten into several conflicts due to this over the years. I still hide my prayers and am unable to fast on consecutive days required in Ramadan and Dhul-Hijjah. It is mostly my mother who doesn't respect my choices and still wants me under her control. This is going to be a very long post and I apologize for it, I don't want to burden my friends with this. And I'm sorry for burdening this site with my problems when I should be visiting a therapist instead of venting here.

I would like to explain a little more about my background and current circumstances. I grew up surrounded by emotional abuse done by my father's biological parents. He was not a good family man back then and always listened to them, neglecting us and even went as far as refusing to talk to us. On the other hand, my mother also had abusive parents who didn't care about her and saw her as a commodity to receive money. They too abused her.

So from my childhood to my early twenties, both sides had a lot of fun harassing us with their abusive shenanigans and died after living their lives fully at the cost of our own. I can't say my maternal grandparents were completely bad--it's just that they could have been better people if they let go of their backward beliefs and had good influences in their surroundings. However, the same cannot be said about my father's biological parents. Due to this, my parents were focused on appeasing their own parents while raising me and my brother. The only time we were happy and at peace was when we had to go abroad for some time and had limited contact with them. Alhamdulillah.

My younger brother, 23 y/o, was diagnosed with severe autism when he was 2. He cannot speak like a normal person can. This has caused my mother to fall into severe depression and she was not emotionally available for me. Most of the parenting job was done by my maternal grandparents until we shifted to another city. Both sides still visited us and demanded we give in to their entitled demands. Fast forward to 8 years ago, my brother got epileptic, had to be admitted to the hospital, and has to sit in a wheelchair.

Then my father's father blackmailed us into visiting them in their hometown, that evil man brainwashed my father and abused us for his own entertainment. I still hate him even if he's dead now. Now my brother learned these behaviors of his and is continuing to use them to harass us. In a way, that piece of garbage really left a legacy in the form of my brother to continue the abuse. I tried disciplining him, but to no avail. I honestly thought we would be free after these people died, oh how wrong was I. My maternal grandparents died, then my father's parents died before COVID.

It is now 2023. I do not know how or what happened but my mother became mentally ill last year...she talks to hallucinations, acts like a narcissist, looks up information related to devils, and has become a toxic person. She has hurt me and my father so many times and has refused to apologize. When I talked about this to my friends, they told me that I was being delusional to expect an apology from my mother in the first place. My mother's sudden change in behavior broke me and it took me years to understand that she has always been a narcissist since the beginning and I didn't realize all this time. At least my father has become a better person and realized the errors of his ways during the past. I told her to visit the therapist but she believes nothing is wrong with her and told me to shut up instead and gaslit me.

Now we live in constant abuse from my younger brother. I have begged my parents for years to take him to therapy or an institute. The problem is, they have become jaded and don't believe there is a sincere therapist out there who is willing to help us in this country. My parents did take him to a few professionals but they didn't help much and were only interested in the fees. They also tried to educate him but he had problems learning and refused to learn by tearing up the books. So he's illiterate and uneducated. I finally gave up after years of asking to have him put in a proper institute.

So we all live a ridiculous jail life where my brother is the prison warden and the rest of us are prisoners listening to his demands and putting up with his incel behavior. He beats up my mother and father and claws them. He shouts when things don't go his way. I understand it's hard for him too because he can't communicate normally but I don't accept this abuse he is subjecting us to. He laughs when my mother or father cries in sorrow. That alone is enough for me to hate him. Hate to mention this but he looks at me with lust and never sees me as his sister. He also attempted to behave inappropriately with me and my mother but I beat him up. So I hate him now, looking at him infuriates me. Me and my mother don't go near him at all because of such behavior. He was a good kid in the past though.

Witnessing all this while growing up, I have had difficulty maintaining friends and did not have the luxury of living a "normal life." I have had my fair share of troubles but when I confided them to my mother, her response was, "so what should I do about it?" My father was not available for me either. I suppose this is where the root of my mental issues all started but, Alhamdulillah, Allah guided me...otherwise I would have gone down the wrong road a long time ago.

My time in university was not very good. I became depressed, dropped out for a few years, barely managed to pass and graduate. Because of what I faced in university, I became traumatized and refused to deal with people. I chose to be a freelancer to work from home and avoid the corporate environment (not to mention I despise the corporate world), but I had no skills, so all I did was random gigs and was earning well a few years ago. I should have used the time wisely to learn a skill. Now I'm a jobless loser bum living on parent's salary, trying to find gigs and losing interest very quickly. I really should move out but I can't because my parents are growing old, need help with the household chores, and find it hard to deal with my brother alone.

Because of my lifestyle, I currently don't have friends, so I resorted to making friends online and only maintain the friendships through chat. This is where I went wrong, and made friends with both males and females. There were times I became emotionally unstable, became too emotionally dependent on them, and drove them away with my unstable behavior. I've always felt people in my age range were more mature and together than me...I felt immature and lacking somehow, like a child. It is quite evident while writing here too, because I don't know how to write formally and concisely. It just feels terrible. They have stable jobs, studying abroad, or are in a good marriages while I am rotting away in the house like a loser.

I received guidance from Allah and realized I shouldn't be in touch with my male friends anymore, one of them felt off and without any self-control on my emotions, I snapped at them not once but twice. I was thinking of reducing contact, but not in this way. I realized what I had done and ended up hurting their feelings--I wish I'd have handled that better and felt like a piece of garbage not because I hurt a man, but rather, a human being. I gave them an apology but that won't reduce the pain I gave them. I should have ghosted them and went no contact instead. This was not the only time that this type of "episode" has happened, either. In fact, I've never bothered to be in a relationship because I knew that if I struggled with friendships, I would struggle even more with "love life" as well as marriage (not that having a relationship is halal anyways, let alone being friends with men, this is not to ridicule people who do have a relationship, I'm sorry).

After this incident, I came across some information and realized that I have undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My unstable behavior made sense after reading about all the symptoms. Not to sound over-dramatic, but I felt like I was being sentenced for execution. I already don't live a normal life, now I felt denied from living a normal life further. Does that mean without control over my emotions, I will abuse people? That too without me being in control and being self-aware? I don't want this and felt life was much better without knowing this information. I'm so sorry, it's just I don't want to accept having this illness at all. No hate intended to those suffering from BPD. I also don't like that it's genetic. Does that mean it will pass down to my children if I give birth to them after marriage? I know it's a test from Allah, but reading that  BPD has no cure just broke me. It can't be--after all, for every illness, there is a cure, according to Allah.

I know I should go to a therapist and get officially diagnosed, but I am afraid of telling this to my family. However, I know it's no use, and I also am worried about my father. There are already two people who are suffering from something in the house, I don't think he can handle a third one. He's already stressed with the behaviours of my mother and brother and is trying to be a better man now, making up for his past neglect. I wish this BPD was a physical thing on my body so that I could rip it out and throw it away, but I can't.

I don't want this disease. There are many posts on the internet as to how people were abused by those who had BPD and even the therapists themselves don't want to get involved with such patients because of stigma. I have a hard time accepting this. Not thinking about BPD makes me feel better. I am painfully aware this Dunya is a testing place and I am not alone. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could earn stable income through freelancing and just go to therapy, as I am already sick of my own existence now. Not even sure if there are proper therapists here who are Muslim, because scholars say it's better to go to a Muslim therapist but there are only non-Muslim ones in the city I live in.

I apologize for the stigma, rudeness, immaturity, and misconduct shown in this post. I'm sorry. May Allah help everyone suffering from mental illnesses. Please just tell me what I should do. All I know is:

1. Get therapy.
2. Learn skills and get job.
3. Do something about family.

I know I should be doing these but I don't know where exactly to start and lack the drive. Please give me some advice. Please just make dua for me to get stable work from my home job despite my lack of skills and experience. My current phone and laptop are dying on me, I'd rather buy new ones with money earned myself rather than rely on my parents (even though Allah is the rizq provider). We're starting to face financial issues now and I wish to help them. I am trying to improve with the deen in the meanwhile.


Tagged as: , , , ,

3 Responses »

  1. Salam Sister,

    Very sad to hear with story. But the best part is you embarrassed Islam, which is not comparable at all with all the pains and benefits of this life.

    For everything there is some good reason. Allah's knows well. You need to learn more and more about Quran, beloved prophet message and try to practice it. You will feel calm when you will learn more, practice it, fulfil your obligations towards Islam and raising hands only infront of Allah and share all your pains, the best time is tahajjud in the night.
    Avoid distractions of this life, stay firm and have sabr. Allah will reward you, definitely their is ease after difficulty said by Allah but you need to pass this exam patiently and have sabr.

    Think of pain in the life here after which is not comparable with this world.

    At the end you should get marry with some pious Muslim guy. I am open for it if you are interested but definitely after knowing each other well. You may reach me on

  2. Wa Alaikum Assalam,

    Sister Allah has guided you towards Islam, now remain steadfast on your religion and seek more knowledge of Islam. If you cannot practice your religion freely in your home then it is not recommended to live there. In the future, if you live away from your parents, you will still have to look after them and show them your best behavior as commanded by Allah.

    You can still learn a skill that will help you earn income from home if you hate the corporate world out there. By the way, I also hate the corporate world too! There are skills that you can master and learn from various sources such as YouTube within a month or a few months. You should look for gigs where there is less competition and high demand. For instance, currently Ai services have high demand and less competition on Fiverr. Another that I know of is Kindle book publishing and formatting etc. There are many options out there but the same criteria of high demand and less competition should be followed.

    Whatever happened in the past cannot be undone. Therefore, we should move on and learn from the mistakes of the past. This life is a test for the hereafter, so we should bear it with patience as Allah loves and rewards those who show patience during hardships.

    Suffering from BPD is not a big deal to be honest. There are far worse diseases and disabilities out there. Always remember this life is a test for the hereafter so the suffering and the pain is temporary in this world. You can still pray consistently to Allah for healing as He is the Healer.
    One of the supplications that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) would say when he visited someone who was sick was: “Allahumma adhhib al-bas Rabb an-nas, wa’shfi fa anta al-Shafi, la shifa a illa shifa’uka shifa an la yughadiru saqaman (O Allah, take away the pain, O Lord of mankind, and grant healing, for You are the Healer, and there is no healing but Your healing that leaves no trace of sickness).” (Narrated by at-Tirmidhi (3565); classed as sahih by al-Albani in Sahih at-Tirmidhi)
    As for your question “Does that mean it will pass down to my children if I give birth to them after marriage?” Not necessarily, I have seen families where the mother is suffering from schizophrenia and not even in her senses, but her children are perfectly normal and healthy. It depends on Allah, He does whatever He wills.

    You should work hard and remain consistent in your efforts for making yourself financially independent, so that you can move out if you want to and help out your family financially. May Allah ease your hardships and shower His blessings on you! Ameen.

  3. Asalamualaykum Dear,

    That is a whole lot of difficulty to process for you, I am sure. There was no "stigma, rudeness, immaturity, and misconduct" in your message whatsoever. This is all that gaslighting that you speak of, having gotten to your head. Your post was perfectly sensible...thank you for sharing your struggles with us, and for allowing other Muslims who can relate to derive some comfort.

    First off, about the Borderline Personality Disorder, please do not diagnose yourself. Go see a therapist or psychiatrist for an official diagnosis, even if they are not Muslim. Allah is aware that you are doing your best with the resources He has made accessible to you. A personality disorder is a serious thing, and there are ways it can be improved. For example, for BPD, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has shown a degree of success.

    Please do not put so much pressure on yourself, or be too hard on yourself for not living a "conventional" sort of life. There are all kinds of "lives" out there, and yours is not any less valid that anyone's else's. There are more paths to success than working a 9-5 job. With all that you have had to contend with in your family, it speaks volumes that you want to financially support them, but I would seriously focus on JUST YOU right now. You deserve your own self-love and self-care after a lifetime of neglect by your parents, and you will not be able to help anyone else if you yourself are not balanced and happy first.

    I myself have a mental illness, and one huge advantage to having one is that reaching out to Allah becomes second nature. Because one undergoes so much internal emotional pain, there is no other option for soothing oneself. So it is not all bad...perhaps you have a closer connection to your Creator than others who do not have such strife in their lives. Just something to think about. So talk to Allah as much as possible, share all your burdens with Him, and once you do, relinquish control to Him completely. He will put all the pieces into their perfect place for you.



Leave a Response