Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I chose my girl over Allah and am having a crisis of faith

Components of Imaan

Salam,

When I lost a person, I got depressed and very sad. I used to tell myself that if I feel depressed, grief or any of such feelings, I am despairing of the mercy of Allah -- not only that, but I also lost all my tawukkal and emann.

I kept telling myself it's haram to feel this way, haram to be down, and when I looked for answers or help, I found nothing and no one...I have no supportive family or anyone else. So I ended up becoming deluded by shaytan, watching porn, and basically started to hate Allah, thinking He has misguided me.

Deep down, I know Allah is great and He loves us, but when I tried to get back my Islam and feeling of good in Islam it never came back to me, I lost all hope in Islam, I was sure Allah misguided me, and now that I see no matter how much I try nothing helps.

Now I know from inside what this deen is and its true-- I know how good it is meant to be and what I should be doing. However, I can just find no reason to work for it anymore. I tried and it didn't work for the past five or six months. Allah probably has closed His doors, and I guess that's just fate, in the end.

Attempts don't matter and He as the creator of heavens and earth can do whatever He wants, justice or injustice. I do not want to exist nor taste His punishment, nor His paradise--it's out of reach and especially without my desired loved ones in there. There's no point I believe, but I believe that if there is a way to not exist, I'd rather go that way than exist in happiness or punishment, because pleasure is a test and hardship is a test.

I can't deal with it anymore. My own Islam was a test to me...that is, if I would keep it or sacrifice it for some random girl I've loved for 4 years. I chose the 4 years over Islam, but thought I could keep them both. After all, Allah is most merciful, I thought he'll let it work out and, I wouldn't have to lose my Lord nor my love. But in the end, I lost both. Is this Allah's decree , punishment , or both?

Anonymous


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1 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Brother,

    You write: "So I ended up becoming deluded by shaytan, watching porn, and basically started to hate Allah, thinking He has misguided me."

    Allah does not misguide, but He does let fall astray if Shaytan is able to misguide. "Who Allah guides, none can misguide, and who Allah lets go astray, none can guide him." If you are here seeking answers, it means that Allah is guiding you. If He wasn't guiding you, then you would think you are fine in life, doing everything right, and go down the wrong path. Instead, He is giving you a situation that will Inshallah teach you more about this life, yourself, your faith, and His love.

    "I kept telling myself it's haram to feel this way, haram to be down"

    There is nothing haram about being down, feeling sad, or feeling anything, for that matter. Feelings are natural and were put into all of us by Allah Himself! He knows what you are feeling in every moment,and is only one Dua away! It's what you do with your feelings that matters. Do you call upon Allah to help you manage them better? Do you use them to steer yourself towards a positive action?

    "...and now that I see no matter how much I try nothing helps."

    Brother...you are being tested by Allah. He is testing you to see if you lose all hope, or if you hang tight to his rope and beg him for relief. If there is someone else, a person, that you can talk about your feelings with, that would be very helpful for you. Have you considered a therapist? They are educated in helping people going through difficult times in their lives. And they are given knowledge by Allah to do that. You should use all religious, spiritual, AND worldly means to solve your problem and current outlook on life.

    "I tried and it didn't work ...Allah probably has closed His doors, and I guess that's just fate, in the end."

    Brother...Islam is a beautiful faith...no matter how many times we fail, Allah always gives us another chance. Please keep trying to connect with Allah...He will reward you with even one simple step in His direction.

    "Attempts don't matter and He as the creator of heavens and earth can do whatever He wants, justice or injustice."

    Your effort matters so much to Allah..in fact, it is what matters most! If you keep pushing on the boulder, the rock, Allah will eventually remove it from your path, even if you weren't able to!! And Allah is always just! If you encounter injustice in your life, it is from Shaytan. It is up to us to be patient in and with our tests and seek resolution and reward from Allah.

    "If there is a way to not exist, I'd rather go that way than exist in happiness or punishment, because pleasure is a test and hardship is a test."

    Brother...you sound very depressed to me. I would advise you to seek out a mental health professional, a therapist or counselor. Just because we have a lot of tests, both in good times and bad, it doesn't mean you should end your life. Please don't think or worry too much before first seeking professional help, because sometimes, Allah puts us in tests to seek help from others of his creation. To give both of you reward. Please don't give up!

    "My own Islam was a test to me..I would keep it or sacrifice it for some random girl I've loved for 4 years? I chose the 4 years over Islam, but thought I could keep them both. After all, Allah is most merciful, I thought he'll let it work out and, I wouldn't have to lose my Lord nor my love. But in the end, I lost both. Is this Allah's decree , punishment , or both?"

    Brother, this is Allah's decree so far. We do not know what will happen in the future. What is for certain is that Allah's plan for you is perfect, and makes use of all that He has given you. Perhaps this girl was not good for you or who you will be. in the unseen future. Are you going to let one girl decide your life for you? No human being is worth that much. In five or ten years, you will have forgotten all about her and will have had so many other life experiences that will help you forget.

    Brother, I hope I have been of some help or given you a different perspective. If you still feel hopeless and helpless, please seek professional help, as you don't want to go further down this hole. You don't want it to be impossible to climb out. Please do this for yourself. Allah is waiting to give you all that will make you happy and content 🙂

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