Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mom will not agree to our marriage

Emotional blackmail.

Asalamualaikum everyone,

I know this question is a very obvious and common scenario happening to everyone. But I am in a very big dilemma and I can't seem to concentrate on anything. So please do help me.

I am in love with my 2nd cousin. He would be my mom's mom's sister's daughter's son. I am 23 and he is 24. He is a great guy, his parents are good, and he passed out as an Engineer last year. I too just passed out as an Engineer. The problem is, we would like to marry as soon as possible. His parents are fine with it but my parents cannot agree. They are just totally adamant on not getting us married. They even said that the boy is good, but because he is a relative, they cannot agree. They didn't find any fault in him but are now inventing lies about him which I know are not true.

I am now with my parents in another country and he is in our home country. We thought to reduce as much contact as possible and repent to Allah for all our mistakes. We keep asking forgiveness from Allah and we both pray all 5 times and even more also. We both understand the grave mistake of loving each other we made.

But my parents are still not ready. To change and manipulate my mind, my mom keeps crying. But when I ask her why she is crying, she says just so that I can leave him and marry another man. When I tell her that if I marry someone it would be cheating because I will always remember my love, she says it is fine to sacrifice my lifelong peace for my parents' happiness. She says that I shouldn't make my mother cry as Allah will punish. But I really have no clue as to why she cries because they themselves said the boy is fine and they just don't want to get me married to him because he is family.

What can I do? I can't leave him because he is a really caring guy, educated, and with Islamic knowledge too. He would be a good husband and will take care of both sides of family, mine and his. My parents are rejecting for cultural reasons as there are no Islamic reasons to reject.

Am I sinning because I made my mother cry? If she is crying to emotionally blackmail me, then? Is my parents' reasoning good?

I am  a working lady now and have decided to not marry anyone else (as my parents are looking for proposal), but what can I do to convince them? I pray tahajud and make dua every time.

AM I SINNING?

Hijabi Girl


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8 Responses »

  1. Ws

    Your parents are absolutely right. Why on earth do people want to marry their cousins? Its highly not recommended in Islam as it leads to 'weak' children explaining the low iq levels in countries like Pakistan and Saudi Arabia where there are high incidences of cousin marriages. It might be permissible in Islam but highly frowned upon just like divorce.

    But in your situation your parents obviously are not comfortable with your proposed in-laws, something you seemed to have glossed over. There may be issues between your families that you are not aware of which is getting in the way of their approval. You need to understand why they are doing what they are doing.

    In any case, why risk producing weak children and adding to the low iq pool when it can be easily avoided?

    Joshim

    • Please research the life of our beloved Prophet. (SAW) (On the subject of marring a 2nd cousin)

    • Everyone falls in love they committed no sin in falling in love the want a halal marriage not harm dating they should be allowed to marry it is not your fault your mom is crying yes I know to make your mother cry is a huge sin but in this case your not trying to your not threatening to run away or elope you want your mom happy Allah knows your intentions are pure if your parents want you to give up on a chance to be happy with someone in a halal way its there fault and maybe they know something you don't and wants what's best for you only God knows right now all you can do is leave it in God's hand

  2. I understand what you are saying, but ours is a 2nd cousin marriage and I know science says it produces weak children, but if you had done some research, child with a 2nd cousin producing weak children is the same percentage as any 2 unknown strangers producing a weak child. Moreover, the risks increase if it is a family tradition to marry cousins, which is not in my family. only a far-away relative in my family their 1st cousins and had completely normal kids, we don't have many generations of cousin marriage in my family.

    And about families, there are no huge issues. Just that his family is a bit more conservative and islamic, but in a good way. His mom follows wearing hijab but his family has no issues with ladies working or studying further, they are supportive of it, My dad is a bit more open minded with regards to hijab. This is the only difference. His family and my family were really close as we live nearby. Our families used to spend every weekend together. but after getting to know we like each other, my dad has stopped all contacts. They have no proper justification and they are just assuming that he won't let me go for a job and such reasons, which is not true.

    Even my guy has spoken to my dad openly and said he has no intentions to make me sit at home and he has no issues with me doing a job.

    But still my parents are adamant. My parents love me a lot and I love them too very much. i studied and got a job so that i can take care of them as they have no sons , only 2 daughters. But now they feel I love them less as I chose this guy.

    Am I sinning?

  3. You aren't committing any sin if you aren't talking any haram stuff with your potential soulmate. Also, because of these very reasons, Islam discourages the free mixing of opposite genders. Now that you guys freely interacted and had access to each other, you guys have developed strong feelings for each other.

    There is no sharai objection to your marriage. Just pray to Allah to make things easier for the two of you. As you said, this is a common problem especially in a country like Pakistan where cousins of the opposite gender frequently interact with each other.

    • Yes, but now we have stopped all haram actions. We don't contact much at all and we both are very much strongly in love. But my mom cries and does this emotional imprisonment for me and it makes me feel that I am being a bad daughter. All my life I tried to make them proud by getting good marks and a job, and now they feel I disappointed them.
      I can't be a good wife to another man and that is the reason I am saying I can't marry anyone else, but my parents say that I am being selfish and that I should sacrifice my feelings for their happiness and peace of mind. But shouldn't I consider my peace of mind also? Or am I really being a bad daughter?

      • Asalamualaykum Hijabi girl,

        You are not being a bad daughter. As you said, you've always tried to please your parents, and now they are using that kindness and thoughtfulness to get what they want.

        Be kind and polite to them if possible, but set your boundaries firmly and with confidence.

        Islam allows us to marry who we choose. If you have feelings for this man, you will have difficulty opening your heart to another right now. And you've already gotten to know him when you were less aware of the consequences, so it isn't realistic for you to just forget him now.

        With time, your feelings may go away, if you even want them to. You have to figure out how to proceed. How does your dad feel about you marrying him? Because he is your Wali...not your mom.

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

        • Walaikumusalam,

          My dad too listens to my mom. They both are not interested and are inventing false reasons about him, which he called and did try to clear. But they just got violent to him and cut off all contacts.

          My parents are kind of people pleaser and are worried what would people say about this love marriage. That is one of their main reasons to reject this.

          I don't think I can forget him. I loved him for more than 5 years and I am at a marriageable age too.

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