Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m in love with my student.

sad man sitting thinkingAsalaamualaikum.

I am currently in a very desperate situation and low state of mind.

I am a lecturer by profession, a PhD degree holder, with good income and property worth millions. My marriage got delayed due to some genuine reasons that I had no control over, but I remained patient enough until I reached the age of 38. Now I've started looking for a girl with matching credentials.

As destiny would have it, I started getting inclined towards a student of mine who was just 18. Though we would talk at times, but I being teacher did not express myself to her. Now she is no longer my student, and I have become more desperate for her. I can't express myself to her nor to my parents nor to anybody. Neither is our age matching, nor qualification nor social status or caste. But whenever a marriage proposal comes to me, her face comes in front of me and I again go in a negative frame of mind.

Life has become a torture. Please advise me what should I do? Would it be exploiting her if I pursue her any further? How should I get her out of my mind?


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4 Responses »

  1. Don't jeopardise your career over this girl. If she tells the school of what you did then you will get fired for maybe harassing students or inappropriately developing a relationship. Youre in your position to teach not to find love with your students. You are basically abusing your position if you propose. For you to fall for this girl means you have been innapropiatly looking at her. Lower your gaze. One day one student will catch you out and will take advanatge of you and next thing you know you're in the middle of a blackmail. Take care of your. Business outside of work.

  2. Dear brother,

    let's explore this mud that you're in. I will highlight points of consideration hoping that you can take that on board and make a wise decision. in the middle I will put in my view and in the end there are steps that are known to have been helpful.

    firstly, you are a man in a position of authority.

    secondly, you are not of the same age (which contributes a very important component in the western countries to compatibility)

    thirdly, you are not of the same caste (which contributes to eastern traditions of marriage)

    fourthly, [ assuming you're higher in status] your higher in social status and qualification and the financial (although this difference is not an issue in the west or the east if it's the man who is in the higher position)

    fifthly, you do not know if she feels that same way. what if you sacrifice your position, and the job only to find out she is not interested or that her parents will never allow it. it's a huge public and private humiliation.

    the first three points would hinder you from attaining a relationship with her and the age gap may hinder you from having a sustainable relationship. imagine that you end up married g ..... is the relationship truly sustainable? it is unwise to sacrifice a lot for someone on the basis of a possibility and a passing obsession. (yes, I say passing obsession because obsession after time passes).

    many men before you have fallen in obsessive love with a woman. some have moved passed it and some acted on it and have witnessed their life fall apart before their eyes. Remember that you have built a good life by the grace of Allah for yourself.... are you willing to let go of it on the basis of fleeting emotion. The feelings such as the one you describe always pass once you resolve your determination to let go of it. Not with aggression with a healing acceptance of the fact that Allah is the only worthy of such devotion of your thoughts and love.

    on one side, it's an internal satisfaction to be with someone you thought of for so long. On the other, it's best to enter into a relationship with someone whom you know you can have a sustained relationship with. if it's her beauty that amazed you there many beautiful women, if it's her character, there are others who have equally have an enticing personality.

    1. write down the pros and cons
    2. write down what is at stake
    3. know that you are experiencing something called limerance
    4. seek remedy for limerance
    4a. have and practice abundance mindset by way of gratitude to Allah for what you have (not who you are missing)
    5. only when you feel neutral towards her then and only then you may pursue the idea if you feel that it is necessary although you can find an alternative. just anyone who has ever been in love and mistaken.

    p.s by saying "passing obsession" or "fleeting emotion" my intent is not to belittle your emotions just to highlight the true nature of what is happening.

    kind regards,

    your sister in Islam.

  3. I think you are obsessed to be with a woman badly at your age. That’s why this much much younger girl is attractive to you. Go find someone close to your age and is mature. You mentioned caste system that’s means that is a worry to you but yet you have a desire to be a girl ???? Your hormones are taking over. You want to get laid.

  4. Assalamualaykum Brother,

    I am of the unpopular opinion that we can indeed meet the love of our lives in any setting, and there is not a restriction against it specifically in the Islamic literature.

    That said, I'm afraid that your particular case sounds unrealistic, and that you are setting yourself for some serious pain if you pursue this any further. It does complicate things that she is your student. Perhaps if she were a little older, there may be more of a chance.

    If, being a Muslim woman, she has not flirted with you or hinted anything to you, there is very little possibility that she reciprocates or shares your feelings. You could send a proposal, but how would you even initiate it? You'd probably be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

    Trust me, it may seem like she is the only woman in the world right now. But Inshallah you will find another woman in the future that will make you forget all about her, as unlikely as it may seem right now.

    If you choose instead to pursue this, I wouldn't personally fault you for it, but it may be embarrassing and painful to you in the end, and you need to be open to that.



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