Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t “get over” my coworker and move on

Salam everyone,

I am 23 years old and the one and only daughter to my parents. There is a guy three years older than me who works in the same place as me but different positions. It’s been two years since I started working there with him.

The guy came to me first and started talking; first I kept distance as I don’t talk to boys but eventually I started having conversations with him about work, life etc. I didn’t realize when I started growing feelings for him--first I thought it was just a temporary crush or obsession but no...this guy wants to be friend with me! I told him we can’t be friends as we are Muslims, but he told me to stop having this "old thinking." I didn’t like when he said that, as he should have respected my opinion.

He used to always say that he cares for me, but a few days ago, I saw him outside work with a girl in his car! In that moment, I felt like someone took my life, I felt so empty. I guess he wasn’t expecting me there as he was surprised. According to him, she is just a "friend," and I didn’t question him as I don’t have any right to, but since seeing him with that girl, his behavior towards me has been on and off. Sometimes he just ignores me; other times he’ll give me attention.

I can’t focus on work or anything, don’t feel like doing anything or talking to anyone, and feel like going somewhere far to hide from the world. I decided to talk to him to sort everything out, and to say "let's just be professional at work with no friendship as it’s affecting me badly." I asked him when he will have free time to talk to me, as I need to speak to him, but he just said he will let me know when. After that we came across each other twice but he just ignored me. I don’t know what to do.

My mom is worried for me as she sees me crying all the time. She wants me to get married as soon as possible as I am the only daughter, but I don’t want to. I am not ready for various reasons and I also love someone who probably doesn’t even like me or he was just pretending to be friend with me. I pray to Allah that if he is the one or not, please make it easy for me. I feel like dying as it hurts so much. I feel tired mentally due to him and other family issues. Why can’t I get over him? It hurts really bad, now I think I will probably embarrass myself just talking to him to sort this out. I don’t know what to do...

j. riaz

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3 Responses »

  1. Sister, if possible change your employer. Look for job somewhere else, otherwise you will never ever be able to overcome.

    May Allah save you from this satanic guy, he is no fit, currently fully soaked in lust.

    Better change your job location.


    Soak yourself in Zikar.
    With closed eyes concentrate at your heart, listen to your heart chanting ism e zaat i.e. الله الله الله. Do this daily after Fajr and before sleep at you bed.
    If you want to heal quickly do it every time every where.
    There are so many duas you will find...

  2. Asalamualaykum Sister,

    I hope this finds you doing better. Unfortunately, as hard as it is to be patient, it is time that most frequently heals the broken heart....whether spent sulking, trying to occupy oneself, or being outright productive. You can choose which stage you are at and how you wish to pass that time.

    Also, you say that you are "not ready [to get married] for various reasons." That's perfectly okay; Allah will put the desire for marriage in your heart when it is the best time for you. But the lesson you can learn from this pain is that if you are truly not ready for marriage, you have no business having extended conversations and "friendships" with this or any other guy. Feelings normally do develop in these cases, sooner or later, which is why Allah has prohibited it, and you are not ready for marriage, so what's the point?

    Even this "closure" you seek from him, where you explain to him that you can't be friends, which you say is "embarrassing" anyways, is not necessary. You know that he is not a suitable match (he's with other girls), not interested, and ignoring you. That's enough for closure, which should come from you, not him.

    Believe me, I know how much it hurts. Why don't you pray to Allah to ask Him to give you closure? Or, if this guy is in your future, then to give you patience and make it halal between the two of you? Until then, take it one day at a time and go easy on yourself.



  3. Wa alaikum salaam,
    As others have said, it seems that everything he has done so far indicates that he will probably only ever bring you pain. Try to concentrate on growing and developing your relationship with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'alaa instead and then you will come to understand why he is wrong for you. Try to understand why Islam forbids chit-chatting with the opposite gender outside marriage and follow the halal way of finding a husband instead.

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