Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Used, manipulated, gaslighted, and then left by a man



depressed girl woman


My heart is distraught right now.

I have known this boy ever since I was a little girl. I’ve never been a girl who has sinned massively like this in her life, but I have always liked this guy since I was a kid (platonically), and he then came into my life again and everything seemed perfect. Straight away, he said he "would never mess with a Muslim girl as I have sisters and I rather kill myself than mess with a Muslim girl."

Me being naive, I believed him. I was 18 years old at this stage. We started speaking for a couple months, getting to know one another, but then a couple months in, he said "I want to marry you and if I do anything physical with you I will have to marry you." Again, me being naive and weak, I believed him and went with it.

Years passed by. I told my parents about him, he introduced me to his family, and I began to trust him. However, all these years, he was asking me for money and favors such as doing his university homework for him or giving him money for food and holidays! He used to emotionally black mail me and make me feel bad, saying “why would I want a girl who can’t help me?”

So I would help him. I spent grands and grands on him and never once did he ever help me, but I was so madly attached to him that the thought of losing him made me feel sick. Sometimes when I didn’t have money to give him, he would block me and say he never wants to speak to me again. So I would then email him saying “I’m sorry I now have money to give you” which made him unblock me.

He was never faithful to me and I knew of this. He said to me "I speak to other girls as a time pass but you’re the only girl I love." Again, I let it slide as I didn’t want to lose him and he used to hate when I would confront him about this. I never spoke to the opposite sex in my life. I have always been shy and reserved, but I truly believed he was meant for me, which is why I broke down all these barriers for him.

A lot has happened in three years with this guy. Yesterday, he blocked me and stopped speaking to me without any reason. He has been "off" with me for a couple of seems as though whenever he goes through a stressful situation, I am supposedly the cause of it. For example, if he has no money, it’s my fault even though I have never spent his money! If he argues with me, it’s my fault even though I’m frustrated by the way he treats me and uses me and that’s why I argue! I never once intentionally argued.

I have accepted that this relationship was haram and nothing haram will ever be blessed by Allah. However, my heart is torn. I feel angry, used, and hurt. After all these years of trying, losing friends, losing my peace of mind, losing my self-esteem, (he would always call me ugly but then afterwards, say he was just angry) and not performing well in university when I used to be a top student, I no longer have any interest in life. I don’t trust people and he has took my dignity and self respect and left me.

What angers me is that this guy will find another girl and forget me and marry her and be happy. Which isn’t fair. I understand it was haram but I truly believe I was taken advantage of and used and I was very naive for an 18 year old. I have always lived in a bubble and never really seen the real world and what it is like. Because he took my virginity, I don’t ever want to move on or get married ever again.

He has ruined my life and I can’t ever be happy again. I don’t know how to move forward with this situation or ever be happy. It angers me that he is living life and doesn’t care and here’s me, lifeless and broken. I do dua to Allah that he never remains happy in any relationship. That’s what gets me by knowing Allah is just and kiffarah will be served .

Please can someone give me advice?


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7 Responses »

  1. Ask Allah for forgiveness and ask Him only for peace of mind, only He can help you, He is merciful, rely on Allah, ask Him for everything you want, forget that man for your own good, don't even curse him, it will only keep you inside the well of guilt and hopelessness. Come out of that, one day in sha Allah surely you will find the perfect person for you. We all make mistakes sometimes big sometimes small but never forget Allah is there to help us stand again, never lose hope, we are Alhumdulillah Muslims.

  2. Say Alhamdulillah! You didn’t end up marrying him. Don’t cry over him a bit. Allah knows what he has done and he will get what he deserves. You need to make lots of tauba and come back to practicing Islam. Another man will come along and will be the right person because you know that you aren’t naive anymore.

  3. Hi Mariam,

    Its not only you in this situation..there is many... but again most people get in to relationship with the one who is taking advantage, who is using, who is going to ditch, who is not serious...and this is me....have faith on allah...he is the one who will bring you out from this situation...follow sunnah and ask for forgiveness...try to keep yourself busy in any can reach me on ****

    • Brother Aamer, jazak Allah khayr for your good comment. Please do not leave your personal contact info, as we do not allow it.

      Wael Editor

  4. as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah dear sister,

    InshAllah I hope you're well in health and imaan.

    Firstly, congratulations on finally waking up from the delusion you were in, which could be described as an intoxication of this worldly life - alhamdulillah, Allah al-waasi3 un-3aleem opened your eyes!

    Your story is very sadly similar to many other innocent and naive muslimahs; in fact not just our sisters, but even non-muslim girls who are used and abused in a similar way by men with a black heart.

    Regardless, say alhamdulillah, pray and cleanse your heart, trying to find peace. I know it's difficult, as any divorced person would tell you, it's difficult to see the purpose of life with feelings of hopelessness, but eventually alhamdulillah time heals all pain.

    Now that you've seen the truth, pray constantly for forgiveness, surely Allah al-ghafoor ar-raheem forgives all; but make a vow and be sure to never go back to such things!

    There is much to learn, see, and do in this life, start by having the courage to delete all memories of this person; leave social media and your phone aside, listen to the speech of Allah al-ghani ul-hameed and concentrate on the meaning - after-all, Allah aza wajal didn't reveal the Qur'aan for decoration, and in it is a source of healing. Make time for yourself with simple things like sit in parks, enjoy the greenery, attend a farm and be with animals, as it can bring comfort to the heart and mind; attend Islamic study circles, make friends with good-hearted muslimahs, as socialising helps greatly, and of course, be cautious of any person who may use you - thus, put your trust in our creator alone, al-haleem ul-wakeel.

    May Allah as-sami3 ad-duaa forgive our brothers and sisters who've committed such things, protect all muslims from haraam, help us with patience, and open our hearts to Islam, ameen ya-rabb!

    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  5. Here are a few things for you from my opinion,

    if thats what you want,this is what i do as well...

    if one person doesnt love you that tells a lot about them,but it also tells about you what you do about that person in your heart,will you throw them away or keep them....
    (i felt disguisted when i even tried to throw them away,makes one feel like almost hypocritical are we just like them and like histroy itself will history repeat it self or someone will do something better for a change something good)
    so the question comes then if we dont throw them away, we will still love them,but what to do with these feelings of ours....
    how do we channel them.In our minds we think the only way to love is get married but no actually there are a few more ways to do this... even if this person is married to another person or in love with someone else.
    so how do we deliver...

    instead of accumilating hatred and all
    you can do something for this someone without being married to him and this is something perhaps even his wife wont do for him even after he dies just a few months of weeping and all then all is for you to give love to somone and show you were true in ur feelings! is this

    1:pray nalfs in their name ask all to transfer these to them like pray them for urself too first then for the people you love.
    2:perhaps one day when he dies and is in his grave,all alone some light he will receive and will ask probably where did this come from?

    this will trigger intense sadness in him,causing him to realize who u were and ur true value...
    your love will reach him and u did ur part
    perhaps one day he ll enter jannah and in jannah there is no hatred or evil
    so one day u can meet him and marry him there and he will never reject you

    CONCLUSION:if you truly love someone you will love them(A LOVER ONLY DOES WHAT PLEASES HIS LOVED ONE)
    thts wht i do.i refuse to be like them to throw people away like products on a shelf.i will continue to do my part make dua nalfs and for their guidence.if i ever come in contact with her husband iwill do good to him because if hes happy shes happy 🙂

    i hope this helps and if it does,please do let us know in the comments with a mention so that id be happy i helped 🙂

    • This advice is absolutely incorrect. He is an evil man who wronged her. She should forget about him and never engage in such haram relationships again. A haram relationship which is not blessed by Allah will make you end up like this.

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