Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I tell my first wife about my secret second wife?

second wifeSalam,

I am married and have been blessed with two sons from my first wife. I have recently taken a second wife. She is an orphan girl with no father or brothers to protect her. Allah has blessed me enough financial security to support my family and take a second wife. My first wife is unaware that I have remarried though--only my sons know.

My eldest son gave me his blessing to remarry. He says I am doing a good thing by protecting this girl and he sees how happy she makes me and he is happy for me. All he asked is that I never let my first wife, his mother, know about the existence of my second wife because it would make his mother jealous and he does not like to see her upset.

My youngest son, however, thinks this will hurt his mother as I am hiding the truth from her and he has told me to tell my first wife about my remarriage. My youngest son says that as a Muslim man, truth is incumbent upon me and I cannot lie to my first wife. I love both my sons and do not want to lose their respect but which son do I listen to? Which son's advice on whether I should tell my first wife or not about taking a second wife is following the guidance of Allah?


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2 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaikum brother

    I know that in our deen it is allowed for a man to take a second wife but we all know that a lot of sisters struggle with this concept and for some it is too psychologically disturbing. Most men know this too and some brothers will like to pretend they are oblivious to this to either rubbish a selfish desire or perhaps for some genuine good reason as it may appear.

    When all is well between a man and his wife and she is loyal and obedient to him, if he still decides to take a second wife then I think it is only the very bare minimum requisite of decency that he inform his first wife that he is even contemplating marrying another woman while still having intimate relations with the first.

    It's really sad to see that a woman would love, have faith and be completely loyal to her husband while he will think it is OK for him to go behind her back and get married to a younger woman without informing his wife of however many years in which she spent giving her whole being to him and still does.

    So now after you have committed the act it hurts to think that after enjoying your time with another woman behind your first wife's back (yes I know she is your second wife but in this day and age communication has no barrier so you can pick up the phone and call your first wife to tell her before you get into another nikah).

    Brother please accept my apologies as I do not mean to preach or cause offense but women like us feel immense pain and why would we not?

    My advice as a woman would be to tell your first wife. Tell her exactly how it is. She has every right to feel betrayed, hurt and angry with you. She has the right to leave you if she so wishes or to stay withvyou if she feels like she is too old and beaten by the situation for her to seek a better life with another husband who probably may never do that to her Allah knows best but to lie in her presence while having intimate relations with another behind her back seems worse. So better to be a Muslim with honesty and integrity. Allow her time to digest the information and allow her to feel her world crumble while you stand by and try to support what you have caused. Because we, women, love with our whole existence, first Allah then our husbands. It would be worse if another child pops along then you decide to uncover the truth, she would feel betrayed twice over in that instance.

    I pray Allah makes it easier for your wife. I pray Allah saves your family. Financial security has ensured you have a young girl as a wife. I pray you do right by the girl you have married as all she would have seen is a successful man. May Allah make it easier for you brother and may Allah keep your sons guided. It pains me to think how torn your first wife will be but may Allah create ease in your lives. May Allah protect our sisters from having to face a situation where they have expended their youth on a husband then feel the pain of having to share him with another woman. Ameen

  2. Well said sister Shamima.

    You are living a lie. You did this behind your wife’s back because you know that she would not approve of it. You must inform her. She will be so mad at you and at her sons for keeping the secret. She will feel betrayed. Be ready. Relationship will not be same. As for your 2nd wife, did you lie to her that your 1st wife is aware of her.

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