Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother says she’ll die if I’m keeping in touch with him

Lies, telling lies, lying

Asalamualaikum all,

I am in a desperate situation. I love a guy very much; he is a Muslim and my relative. He is educated and so am I. My parents are rejecting his proposal due to egoistic reasons. They say they don't like me going to the family because they are our relatives. There has been no bad blood between the families as both our families were very close since the start and hence we developed feelings for each other.

But my dad is very against this marriage so we are struggling. My parents openly told me that the guy is good but they can't let this marriage happen as people would make fun of them. My parents are people pleasers and care about their reputation. I am desperate.

I stopped all haram actions and contacts with him. But we do maintain minimal contact just to check if we both are doing okay. We just ask everyday if the other person is doing fine mentally. Just to keep a check. Nothing else we contact each other about.

But my mother asked me if I have contact with him and said if I have, she will die. So I had to lie to her. Did I do wrong?

[PS. I have been a very good daughter to them so far, studied and got a job to take care of my parents anytime they need help.]



Hijabi Girl

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6 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Hijabi Girl,

    Setting the issue of this being your relative aside for a moment, your mother is outright blackmailing you to get the result she wants (for you not to marry him). It is highly unfair of her to be putting you in this kind of predicament where you are choosing either your spouse or your mother. That is very unnatural.

    If your parents care about their reputation in the community more than their relationship with you, this is not a trait they will easily let go of. It will be up to you to assert yourself and decide what you are willing to sacrifice to marry the man you are interested in. There is a chance that your parents could come around later in life, but you have to be realistic in that you realize that may take awhile. Also, would you be ok with having a stressful relationship with your parents? That is not easy, and could make your choice of spouse irrelevant. Sure, your parents shouldn't be doing this, but the reality is that they ARE, and you will have to live with the consequences of your actions.

    Also, you should cut off communication with this love interest entirely until things are facilitated by Allah. Especially looking after each others' emotional well-being. That is a husband and wife's domain, and could cause you much pain later on. People think only physical relations attach us to others, but an emotional connection can be just as difficult to extricate oneself from.

    Just some things to think about. Inshallah you will be given the most suitable spouse in the near future, whether your relative or another.



  2. Walaikumusalam Nor,

    But what if I really cannot be think of marrying someone else?
    By everything he is good to me. He has the deen that I need my future husband to have, good behavior and well educated. I know, Allah must have planned for me something, but I do have a right to tell my parents about the person I love and my parents cannot deny this proposal for materialistic issues, am I right?
    In that case, who is the wrong doer here, me for loving a guy or my parents for denying this proposal?
    I know this question can be hypothetical, but I have not been doing well mentally for months. I cannot stand in front of other men for proposals because I just can't let go of him, that too for reasons that aren't even proper.
    I have cried enough that now I just don't shed a tear in any matter, I feel exhausted mentally. I keep praying to Allah, but this issue is taking a toll on me. My parents want me to get married to someone else by the end of this year. Which is impossible from my side.
    When I said I cannot, my mom and dad emotionally tortured me and still blame me for everything wrong that happens in our house.

    Sorry for venting everything out like this.

    • Doesn't sound like your parents have valid reason but it's easy for them to say no to your face. So play them at their own game . You said they are people pleasers,then get the guy you want to marry to bring his father over and local imam to make a proposal to you in your home unexpectedly so your parents can't reject. And if they reject they would need to provide a valid reason which I doubt they have so they will be forced to pack their attitude in and go along with something halal.

      • I 100% agree with this response, get the local Imam to come with your proposal and ask for your hand directly, your parents are in the wrong and I truly believe if you dont do this, that a worse proposal will come one day (god forbid) and your parents will convince you to marry and it will end up being a horrible marriage.

    • Assalamo Alaikum Hijabi Girl,

      What you explained of your situation above is very common occurrence in south East Asian communities of us Muslims; people marrying to please parents and society. Sometimes it works and the spouse gel along with each other , sometimes it doesn’t and then your life becomes a mess. Once it’s a mess, no one takes the responsibility and they say it’s destiny.
      Behavior of your parents is outright blackmail for no reason. As brother Ahmed suggested , please think of ways in which they agree , maybe they need a bit of their ego massaged so if groom’s family can initiate and request for your hand , it would be a better ? In this situation guy and his family have to be supportive to do so and I hope guy’s family do not start taking advantage of the situation.
      Please bring in some third party individuals like your aunt or uncle or anyone who thinks this guy is right for you and can convince your parents.
      If after all the efforts , your parents are still adamant , you will have to choose your actions wisely - Be very clear in your head that you won’t marry anyone else and stick to No for every proposal that comes in. This way you can buy some time and wait if they agree. If still nothing happens , then you would have to make the most difficult decision - agree with parents and feel the pinch and pain of separation from the guy forever or go ahead and arrange a wali for you to get married as reason for saying No by parents is Un-Islamic so you can go ahead without them having Wali.
      Both the paths are difficult to follow so do lots and lots of Istekhara and choose wisely. For the later one , you should be confident of the guys character and he should never let you down.
      Please pray and do lots of istekhara while handling this situation in multiple ways at home.

      Wish you the best !

      • Salam Alaikum, to my family Ayesh, mmmhamza13, Hijabi Girl

        There are something I want you to understand Hijabi Girl, and that is,
        nothing in this world is guaranteed for you apart from death. I am sorry
        If it sounds depressing but, it's the reality that we sometimes need to hear.
        What it means is you can try every possible way to be with this man but,
        if it's not meant to be then, it's not your calling and would need to move on.

        Take your shot with the brother by getting his family involved and then call it a day if it doesn't work out.
        It's not be the end for you, god will have bigger plans for you. You just need
        to put your faith in him. And Also cut any haram contact that you have this guy i
        immediately. And that's all I wanted to add.

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