Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother continues to berate me after my marriage fell through


Toxic relationship


Salaam everyone,

This is a continuation/update of my previous post, the link to which you can find here:

Arguing mother is near impossible to live with

I would like to clarify somethings from the previous post, based on the questions I received:

  • Me marrying my cousin isn't a "thing" anymore, as my cousin didn't want to marry me. Despite getting nearly a decade of constant pressure to do so, when she decided not to, no one batted an eyelid or wanted to say anything.
  • She thinks I should take her recommendations for marriage, as "Allah would be happy" and she only wants me "to be happy." She found me other people who were terrible but nice to her face!
  • Alhamdulillah I found someone lovely online whom I dearly love and will marry In Sha Allah. I have been speaking to her for a long time. My mother is fine with this but at times, during arguments, she makes awful remarks about the whole situation.
  • She will never consider psychotherapy. I have suggested it many times but she says they're only going to agree with me.
  • I am still currently living with her with the intention to move out. I have a placement at a hospital for my doctor training In Sha Allah. Somehow, I will need to find help for funding. My mother would help me, but I don't want to rely on her as she will only remind me how much of a favor she is doing for me, that I don't look after her, and that I am a bad son!
  • My father was living in a separate place away in a different building to the one my mother was living in. She was only living with my brother and his wife and kids.
  • They ended up becoming rude as my mother was being abusive towards her daughter-in-law who she was very close with before all this. My mother considers my sister-in-law to be responsible for her divorce, and believes she was being antagonistic towards her.
  • My mother says to me "I do not need your love...I need your respect and obedience." Like I said, she is a politician. She does say the elders are humans too and guidance can even come from younger people but when it comes to her situation, she speaks to me in such a manner.

Ever since being kicked out, she's said I should have been living on the street rather than going to my friends as they'll know something is wrong. I didn't tell them anything but who else can I go to? I tried to protect her but she told me I disgraced my father and living on the street would have been better.

Since then, I have been in many arguments with my mother, and many of these conversations have left me in tears and feeling emasculated with my mother. My social skills have been deteriorating staying with her; I know it's my fault but In Sha Allah I shall move out.

Recently I was discussing with my mother about a right I have in regards to properties, as my family members all received help during their times and I haven't received much except my education but that is a loan that I have to pay back. She said to me "I will only do so if you promise me you will pray five times a day from now on." She doesn't know I pray from time to time and read Qur'an. I know I should be doing this consistently five times but I know it comes from my own heart to glorify Allah. But she said "you must promise me," "I said I cannot promise you this," she repeated "You must. Promise me." I said I won't make a contract with another human regarding my duties towards God for the sake of financial gain. She wouldn't listen and said "just promise me!" I said "You are not my Allah, you are my mother."

I understand this was going too far, even though it is the truth. She got immensely angry and said now this is how you become batameez (rude). Then she started arguing with me and then said forget this I'm not supporting you (I'm currently cryptocurrency mining and it takes a lot of electricity which has to be paid for and I ran out of money to pay for it she said she'll cover it and when I get my job soon which in a month then I'll go back to paying for it). She said "I'm not paying for it now. You better have £400 ready in 2 weeks. What are you going to do now? Take it off?" I said "Yes that's exactly what I will do" and I did. She got even more angrier saying "look at your stubbornness and anger. Your lack of tact that you cannot convince me with love." I said "It's not out of anger or stubbornness but I do not have money for such a thing." I'll just save myself from this expense. She stormed off and we didn't speak for a while.

In a later argument, she grabbed my wrist and said "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN, STOP CRYING AND DRINK WATER". I just looked at her with hurt and said "Let go of me, I'm a man. If I want to cry, then I will cry. I just want to go out and be in the garden, what's wrong with that. You have humiliated me during this whole year of me being with you during your arguments" (when we don't argue things are fine, but it doesn't take much for her to argue, happens every few days so I stay away from her and now it's weekly). She just looked at me horrified when I said this while crying. Then she decided to leave the house for a while to give us a break.

I do not know how to maintain a relationship with my mother anymore. I have started to hate her. She does chores and doesn't allow me to do them but then chastise me for not doing them! She asks me "Why are you doing this? You just do your studying." She does the cooking, cleaning, and these kinds of things. I try to listen to her and do things when she needs them done. But honestly, these arguments are too frequent, there are moments when I'm just silent or just say "yes mum, In Sha Allah mum." She says things to me like "Do you not love me? Why do you not speak to me? Why do you not care for me? You do not show me affection." But I know when I talk to her, it causes arguments; trying to show affection to someone who just humiliates me is difficult. I have completely looked after my mother no matter what, showed her affection, and cared for her. I have reached my limit. I do not want to hate my mother, but I do.

May Allah give all our mothers happiness and a place in Jannah. Ameen.

Any comments will be appreciated.

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1 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Brother,

    Is there a way you can take a break from your mother without being so obvious that it upsets her? Like can you two spend time in different rooms of the house for at least part of the day? If you're not able to physically distance, can you be on your laptop while in the room with her so that she sees you busy at least some of the time, and so that she is not on your mind all the time?

    I understand that you are not financially stable enough to move out yet, but some distance could do both of you some good, and not taking it could wreak havoc on your health. Sometimes giving people space, or taking space for ourselves, helps the other person let go of negative feelings and realize that we are important to them. So next time they see us, their better self "shows up." In Sha Allah this test of yours will end very difficult times, it helps to remember that everything is temporary.



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