Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Arguing mother is near impossible to live with

Toxic relationship

Salaam everyone,

I recently had an argument with my mother. These arguments happen every other week and it ends up being intense. I came back from my studies abroad and alhamdulilah I have graduated. I came back to live with my mother and with intentions to keep her by my side. My parents are divorced and my father lives with my brother. My mother suffered an injury that left her immobile and was suffering from a divorce with her ex-husband (not my father) so went to live with my brother too. Fights happened there and my brother and sister-in-law were very rude to my mum.

Now my mother pretty much is a politician and can twist words and narratives easily from my experience. We had an argument regarding something she wanted for her grandkids and I sternly told my mother "no" because she did the same to me when I was a child and it affected my early life. Basically, she wanted me to marry my cousin's sister but she was forcing it on me since the age of 13 but I knew of her plans since I was 10 and it messed me up.  I talked to my mum about it...I said I understand mistakes happen and you are human but it still happened and I just want you to acknowledge it but she got so angry and said you're worse than  my other son that swore at me, you should headbutt the wall so your dirty blood can come out and also she said "get out of my house."

She's said to me so many times to get out of her house but this time I got so angry so I got my few things, got up, and went to my friends house. When I got there, my dad was calling me like mad and saying "what happened? where are you? I'm worried!" I didn't want to tell him because he was gonna tell my mum and he did immediately and she sent me a voice message saying I'm a disgrace by airing out our laundry to other people and "you should have just gone to the park to sleep there." I responded saying "so should I have done that?"

I explained that things were really tough for me as a child, because we were always at our cousins' house who she tried to arrange for me to marry...force me to marry. However, my mum just turned things around and tried to blame me for the whole experience.

How do I handle these constant arguments with my mother? I wanted to take care of her in her old age, but she is making it really difficult for me. Please help!




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5 Responses »

  1. Ws,

    Your problem is quite simple really. Tell your mother that you love and respect her but its not her decision who you marry as Allah has left that to you and she should not be trying to usurp Allah's will.

    You are absolutely right to refuse this cousin marriage. The IQ of Pakistani and Saudi Arabs is around 6% lower than everyone else as cousin marriages leads to 'weak' children.


    • salaam I posted an update in a new post but I will respond here:

      Me marrying my cousin isn't a thing anymore, my cousin didn't want to marry me. Despite getting years (nearly a decade) of I wouldn't say abuse but constant pressure to do so, when she stopped herself then no one bat an eyelid and they didn't want to say anything.

      She is of the belief that I should take her recommendations for marriage as Allah would be happy and she only wants me to be happy when she found me other people she were terrible but nice to her face.

      Alhamdulilah I found someone lovely whom I dearly love and will marry In Sha Allah that I found online and I have been speaking to for a long time, my mother is fine with this but at times during arguments she makes awful remarks about the whole situation.

  2. Salaams. Your mother might need some kind of mental health professional's assistance, but chances are she will never even consider that. However, you might explore housing alternatives for yourself. Consider finding someone who has an apartment who needs a roommate, or a reasonable person in your family who would be willing to let you live with them. You should try to have a quiet, calm talk with your mom with the focus on you letting her know you will not marry your cousin and do not want her involved in finding you a wife. She will probably dismiss your concerns, but that is her problem. She can't force you to marry someone and if she tries something underhanded like arranging a meeting with a young lady, apologize to the woman and let her know you have told your mother to leave you alone about marriage. It might seem incorrect, but if your mother is known to not be honest with her role in difficult conversations, start recording the conversations you have with her to protect yourself. You have stated fights erupted at your brother's house with your mother. There is a chance they may have had a reason to be "rude" to her. Did anyone in your family even slightly know that the mother staying with her son, his wife and her ex-husband is not a good idea?

    Your mom might feel alone if she is going through a second divorce and now has an injury. She might have a total misunderstanding that being a good son requires you to do whatever she tells you. That is not unusual for an older woman who may feel displaced.

    • salaam I posted an update in a new post but I will respond here:

      She will never consider mental health, I have brought it up many times for her but she says they're only going to agree with me.

      I am still currently living with her with intention to move out, I have a placement at a hospital for my doctor training In Sha Allah. Somehow I will need to try to find help for funding but only kind of person who would help me is my mother but I'm don't want to reliant on her as she will only remind me how much of a favour she is doing for me, I don't look after her and I am a bad son for her.

      My father was living in a separate place away in a different building to the one my mother was living in. She just was living with my brother, his wife and kids.

      They ended up becoming rude as my mother was being abusive towards her daughter in law who she was very close with before all this. My mother holds my sister in law to be responsible for her divorce (confronted the second ex husband after his heinous acts towards the family on my mothers behalf while my mother believed it was salvageable but it really was not) and believes she was being antagonistic towards her.

      My mother says to me "I do not need your love, I need your respect and obedience". Like I said she is a politician, she does say the elders are humans too and guidance can even come from younger people but when it comes to her situation she speaks to me in such a manner.

      • She clearly has issues and doesn’t want to see that. She is hostile towards everyone and been divorced twice. It’s nice of you to want to take care of her but you have to clearly tell her in a nice way that she is too much to deal with. She won’t listen and accept because that’s the way she is. Keep reminding her that everyone gets pissed off by her, she needs a reality check, a therapist. Otherwise tell her that since her 2 husbands, her kids will leave her too.

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