Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was forced to marry my cousin, who’s been absent since!

Forced marriageAsalamu Alaykum,

I have something to ask; please advise me on it.

I would like to start and say that my parents are not bad people--they're the kindest and deen-following people, they care for me a lot...I know that and I know they want the best for me. I'm sorry that I'm not so good with words, so this message may be all over the place.  

I have been in an arranged marriage for the past 4 years. I have not seen the man in these four years at all! I agreed to the marriage because of my parents, as I didn't want to hurt or disregard and disrespect them, even though I did not want and still do not want to be in this marriage.

I was emotionally manipulated, forced by my parents to accept this marriage because he's a "good man" and I will "never" find a man like him in my life (he's a relative). They say they didn't force me, that I made the decision to go through with this, and that I made a promise I can't break. However, I agreed only because of the immense pressure I was under: I was scared and wasn't thinking properly. I refused three times and my parents didn't listen to me nor did he; every time I refused they kept shouting, ignoring me, saying horrible things to me.

We keep on getting into fights that have become problematic to me...it's so disgusting and unbearable. They keep saying things like: "elders are involved in this, what are people going to say about us?" Or "People are going to think we are people who break promises," "you are going to ruin your sister's chances," or "our face/reputation will be finished." They're not thinking of me at all.

I have struggled with my mental health greatly these four years. I've had fits, severe anxiety, and panic attacks, and that is not only disregarded, but I get called names for it. What I'm trying to tell you is, is this OK or is this wrong? Should I be in this marriage for the sake of my parents or should I leave for my sake?

I really need help, I don't know who to talk to anymore. Please help. I know I have rights in marriage and the right to refuse but unfortunately, I have been robbed from it. I hope this message comes to you safely. I hope you can read this message and advise me on it.

Regards


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2 Responses »

  1. This is a difficult situation that you are in.

    Islamically, your parents have no right to force you to marry someone you do not want. They don't seem like kind people for doing that or religious. However you still must be good to them. Your husband is sinful for abandoning you like this and not taking his reponsibility.

    This is something similar: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/36818/her-husband-left-her-for-a-long-time-with-her-agreement-is-she-sinning-by-not-asking-for-a-divorce

    You said he abandoned you for 4 hours. Go to an islamic court and the judge can give you a divorce.

    Also have a look at this: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/265694/her-husband-beats-her-and-does-not-spend-on-her-and-there-is-no-muslim-judge-in-her-city

  2. Asalamualaykum Sister,

    You say you did not want to "hurt, disregard, and disrespect" your parents, so you agreed to this marriage. Believe me, I understand how insidious and scary emotional blackmail can be. However, unless you were psychotic or something, you had the power to say "No" and not agree to this marriage. Saying "No" to your parents would not have been "disrespecting" them, even if they say it is. Saying "No" would be taking care of your adult self by setting firm boundaries. In sha Allah now that your husband is not present as has shirked his responsibilities towards you, you can seek a divorce. Now you have learned a valuable lesson moving forward. Remember, once you say "No," the other party may not like it....but that doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. How they feel about it is no reflection on you and how you actually are in Allah's eyes.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

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