Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Istikhara came out as “yes,” but I don’t like him!

Assalaam alikum,

My name is Rabia and I am from the UAE.

About a year ago, a marriage proposal came for me. My mom was really sick and wanted to get me married before she dies. So I did Istikhara and the answer was "yes," but no one helped me in that because in our family, no one knows anything about Istikhara.

So I was so ready for this proposal even though I never wanted to get married at this age, and I did Nikah. My mom totally told me that it is my decision after nikah. Well, when my fiance started talking to me after five months of nikah, I realized I don't like him and his family.

They are a very manipulative and emotionally blackmailing family. Also they asked for a heavy dowry and they are very greedy as well. I am  telling myself to have Sabr because Allah told me that this is the right decision for me, but when I can't even bear to talk with him on the phone (his way of talking disgusts me so much), how will I spend my whole life with him?

He has double standards so it's so confusing and I can't even tell this to someone because I have no one to share it with. Basically, I don't want to marry him now!


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7 Responses »

  1. Wa alakum salam

    How do you know it was Allah that answered your istikhara? It could just as easily have been Satan! Did you recite ayatul kursi 3 times and blow on yourself before going to sleep for the Istikhara? Ayatul Qursi would have protected you from satan until fajr time. At fajr time the protection given by ayatul qursi ends and so any dreams you see after that even when you have recited ayatul qursi could be from satan. Dreams are unreliable and you can never be sure of them or where they are from.

    But you don't need any of that at all. Allah has asked you to use your brain in the Quran. Now, this family is greedy and manipulative and you hate your proposed husband who has double standards. What more do you need to know to break off the marriage?

    You don't need dreams telling you what to do, you just need to use your logic and common sense. And the answer, as you already know, is to break off the proposal before you ruin your life!


  2. Istikhara doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to take this decision as it is. You can not follow istikhara if you personally still ain’t satisfied. Keep doing istikhara for other proposals you consider. It will come good again, happened to me.

  3. Asalamualaykum Sister Rabia,

    I hope you are well today.

    As for your question, the "result" of your Istikhara prayer/dua isn't necessarily a static "yes" or "no" garnered in a particular moment. Rather, your dua is a catalyst for a certain feeling to overtake you, or a series of events to unfold following the dua. You have to understand that either one is placed in/with you by Allah. You become almost an active observer as you gain clarity on what Allah wants and what He decides is best for you. It's quite miraculous, actually, as you are given such insight into Allah's plan by just noticing and observing the answer to your Istikhara.



  4. W'salams,

    I agree with what Nor has said its on point. Its about how the situation unfolds.

    The point isn't whether Istikharah came out positive or not, its whether you like the person or not. Its clear after knowing him that you dont like him. If you dont like him then how will you spend the rest of your life with him? Its not fair on him or you. Parents will not live forever so you have to think about can you see yourself with him?

    Three questions you have to ask yourself?

    Do you like him.. Yes or No?
    Do you like being in the persons company or talking to the person? Yes or No?
    Do you enjoy being in the persons company? Yes or No?

    I pray isthikhara if I like the person or a job I like then I pray istikharah...

    I understand your dear mum was sick and wanted you to get married as any parent will worry what will happen after they go... Allah will take care of you with the right people around you.

    I've been there forcing myself or try liking something you dont like, to be with someone or like someone you dont, will not get you anywhere... it will not last no matter how much you want to make your parents or family happy if your not happy then who will be happy? Ever tried eating at a certain restaurants or food place, certain ones you will like and enjoy others your dislike...

    Marriage is about liking someone not because what your parents want or would like, through their eyes they want wants best but what they think is best is not necessarily the best they might have good intentions but good intentions is not enough that goes for friends as well recommending someone they think is good for you. Ok you made a decision but now you feel your dont want to, so dont force yourself. If you cant stand him then what are going to do.... pray more Istikharah and so Istikharah says for example positive will make no difference to how you feel.. you can meet people inlife who are genuinely good however that doesn't mean they are right for you or you for them if you dont like them.

    I think your confusing Istikharah with your deep inner feelings.... if your heart and mind is not there that's your answer of Istikharah!

    example I like a person I do Istikharah and see how it goes.... it doesn't work out or whatever reason.... that's istikhaah or something happens or a reason it just doesn't happen or fades away....

    You cant do istikharah on something you don't like its not logical. What you have done is you've said yes for some reason you also did istikharah but the reality is you don't like him there is no crime in that. Lots of people I've seen for marriage either I don't like them or they dont like me fair enough.

    I like the colour blue not Pink...... so I should wear the colour pink?

  5. Assalam walaikum
    I am 18 years old and my parents mentality is that if a good purposal comes, we should agree to it and I also agree to it.
    Recently a purposal came where the family lives in abroad and we have never met them.It was a purposal which everyone thinks is very surprising and has came from Allah wills. The man (I will call him man because I don’t want to mention the name ) parents are divorced due to their mothers mental problem and therefore their father have raised them. They are raised as very grounded hence that they have no social circle. My parents thought this purposal will be best for me and I really trust my parents decision so firstly I let it happen. But before that I did a isthikara where when I woke up I was happy for a little time but since then I am feeling worst day by day. I talked to him and his family once where I was feeling very uncomfortable and didn’t get satisfaction. I tell my father about it that I didn’t like the man but my father ask me to buy some time and belief in Allah, that it will be better in future. Well a small event was organised, where I was so mentally exhausted and was continuously crying because I don’t want to do this. My parents are very supportive and I am extremely close to my father but I have always been a child with confidence and will deal all problems by myself. Wouldn’t disturb anyone with my problems and always make decisions on my own which my parents were proud of that I am independent child. After the event I was not satisfied at all share with my parents and brothers that I don’t like the guy and I think He is very mummy daddy and don’t have confidence plus very immature although we have 9 years age gap but still he was acting to me as a boy who would only flirt which I was not comfortable with. Well I tried to explain to my parents but they think I am not mature enough to understand all of this and now making decisions for me whereas I am still not satisfied. I am talking to him just for the sake of my parents. But we talk as two strangers are formally talking where the guy is consistently trying to flirt and the girl is thinking what type of men is this. Plus he is financially stable

    He was very supportive about my further studies which I want to do after marriage (if this marriage happens ) and I feel like he is very influenced by his sisters. I like to travel and he is like never even gotten out from his house after 9 at night type of guys and I feel like In his messages that he doesn’t like this thing of me plus a big red flag for me is that he have no friends not even a single friend and he gives me very creepy vibes while chatting with him. When he messages me I always get rude and I feel like I just don’t want to talk to him. And infront of my family he is being very respectful and gentlemen.

    My father is consistently in stress because of this and my mother is blaming me that I am not being a respectable girls anymore and many more hurtful things which cause me to shutup up About my problems. They are emotionally blackmailing me about this purposal. Everyone was blaming me when I tell them to reject this purposal.

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I have leave it on Allah and waiting for Him to do a miracle. Just for the sake of my parents I am quite but it is causing my mental health problems and I am not in peace anymore. I am consistently praying that please Allah remove this man from my life.

    Don’t know what to do because I don’t want to upset Allah talah but I also not want to marry this man!

    • Imam,
      Did you end up getting married to him? What about him that gives you the creeps? You don’t like his flirting, he has no confidence, very immature, and doesn’t have any friends. Do you find him a little odd? Could it be he got his mother’s influence or something happened to him since he was raised by his father. Tell your parents that you don’t connect. What’s his take?

  6. Dowry cannot be taken from the bride in Islam!

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