Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband neglects my needs and takes no responsibility for it!

Young Couple Seated Back To Back

Assalamu alaikum!

It's been more than a year since I got married. My husband isn't good looking but I got married because people told me he is of good character with sunnah! Alhamdulillah we are both educated and I am doing my Masters and he is working in a corporation. My parents are looking after my fee and everything. I don't want to work, but rather, bear children and teach them deen.

However, now that I'm with my husband, I notice that he has the following traits which frustrate and sadden me:

  • From my first night, there is just sex without intimacy. He doesn't touch; no emotional connection! I have never been satisfied. It's just his fulfillment.

 

  • He doesn't ask for my needs. If I ask, he is silent, or makes excuses. If I cry, he says he will give, but even then he doesn't! If he gives its like he is doing too much for me.

 

  • He doesn't share anything! He doesn't want to talk about responsibilities, he doesn't want to talk about having kids. I always have to be the one to come up and talk, to which he argues and sometimes says "yes" to just keep me quiet but doesn't do anything!

 

  • He is negative and selfish (on a trip, I told him I am hungry and that the stalls near the beach weren't clean so I said it's unhygienic. For that, he pushed me harshly and scolded me in public!

 

  • He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.

 

  • Once I saw him watching porn..he doesn't admit that he did. But when I talked to him and explained that it is wrong, he said he did tauba!

 

  • He taunts a lot or remains silent...he gives silent treatment a lot.

 

  • He backbites about me to his friends, who are girls, which was a shock to me. I ask him before doing anything if it's issue for him...he says "no," then complains about it to others!

 

  • I ask him to tell me my mistakes but he doesn't.

 

  • I was fed up and wanted to clear the air but he disagrees. Then he left for his home and has been there almost 6 months! He came only once, even that because of his parents...not for me, and he did not return!

 

  • He lies a lot so I don't trust him

 

  • I am totally emotionally drained. I am a soft-hearted person who can't bear it.

 

  • He says he loves me but I can't see in which way!

 

  • I want to take khula because it is affecting my mental health too much. Will this be a sin?

 

  • He is asking for a chance but hasn't even returned! I personally don't think he can change so very many things.

 

  • It's scary to think of him in regards to kids...what if he doesn't look after them? Because his father is arrogant and irresponsible towards family... doesn't really care about his children.

I am so confused...please answer...what should I do?!

Noor

 


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6 Responses »

  1. Hi Noor

    Your needs are genuine, if possible talk to a therapist, if couple's counselling is possible take this as a second step. What you are feeling is right do not undermine your feelings, probably he has had a difficult childhood too, like you mentioned about his dad. Good luck, it's never wrong to validate your feelings and lead a good life. Allah does not expect you to not do anything about it.

    • Hi dear..
      I asked him to visit a psychiatrist..he told ok..
      But doesn't do..
      Even if I ask repeatedly..he says he will visit..but no..
      This makes me irritated..
      For every thing he behaves same..I have to almost force him..
      And il be emotionally drained

  2. Assalamualaikum sister, to tell u I am in same situation infact worst than this as I am bread winner as well for my home since 8 years my husband has not gifted me even an handkerchief neither took responsibility Alhumdulilah Allah has blessed me with a job wr I am able to help myself and tke care I tried explaining him and my worry is not that he is not tking care of me my worry is more about him not tking care of his akhira and life as wasting time and living a careless life is not gonna give any good ,sister remember Allah has blessed us to test us it is smthing we like or dislike u alwys have khair in it....I would suggest u to tke time and reflect on the things which is creating problems and talk to your elders if u are not happy and dont want to break this relationship then thr is no use of complaining either work on it or give it up .....TRUST ALLAH HE IS THE HEARTH CHANGER HE IS THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF US ....limit your expectations as what we want is we think its easy but fo few it is very hardest thing due to the upbringing or past experiences or Nature of a person ....

  3. Your husband doesn’t sound like a good person. You have listed a lot of valid points and you have every right to be upset and question him. He doesn’t seem to care about you, taunts you, avoids communications, and is away from you for 6 months. He failed to be a husband. Husband doesn’t mean he brings home the money and can support you. He has to be there for you emotionally and geniounely care for you. Share things heart to heart. You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him to show you respect. Perhaps get elders to get involve or see a marriage counselor.

    • For one year I lived with his parents! So regarding I had no issues..!
      I very much long for a loving husband..!
      He is calm and composed person and gets frustrated only when I ask something..
      He is actually a confused personality for me..
      Elders are involved..I told his parents ..they don't listen to me..they say guys who go to corporate companies are like that..
      That's why I thought it's difficult for him to change in his parents place..so I gave him a chance and told to get separate from family..! For that his dad threatened us that they will break..
      Meanwhile my husband doesn't even console Me or does anything..he thinks his dad is right..
      But when I ask he says he dont leave me..and il have to live with his family..
      My parents are ready for the breakup..!they say u can be married to someone else better

      • Your parents are right, you can find someone else better. The guy will never change. He seems like he has a ego and doesn’t see any faults. You don’t see yourself raising kids with him. Leave before you get pregnant.

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