Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I worthy of a good man?

AsaIamualaykum,

I recently made a post about my breakup that took place few months ago. As it was almost four years with him, and we were planning on marriage, it all came as a shock to me when he decided we are ‘too different’ under his family’s influence. And then started seeing someone else a month later.

Anyway, as shattered as it all left me feeling, I started seeking the guidance of Allah. I felt used and disappointed in myself. I felt it was all my fault because I couldn’t keep him happy. But more than that, I feel very unworthy as I have committed Zina with him for long.

Having the mindset that we will get married one day made us engage in these haram activities. I used to feel very guilty, especially wondering why he can’t just marry me if he can do all this, but his family wasn’t agreeing to let him marry as he isn’t done with studies and his elder sister still isn’t finding a suitor.

Even though I am seeking the guidance of Allah, which brings me peace more than anything else, I have started having thoughts like "maybe I am not worthy of a good, pious husband anymore." I feel maybe Allah is punishing me. I am so scared I won’t find someone to settle down with, and I am 27 this year! Please help me!

Angel

 

 

 


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7 Responses »

  1. 27 yrs old and been committing zima for 4yrs. Reality is your options are slim. No man will tolerate that . So I would advice you to be open for polygamy. A potential second wife . Or marrying a divorced.man .

    • Brother Ahmed,

      I don't mean to be unnecessarily contentious, but if "no man would tolerate that," than why would a polygamous or divorced man tolerate it? "Polygamous" or "Divorced" doesn't automatically mean that the guy is open to anything or should "lower" their standards somehow, as if this sister would even be considered "low." Honestly, the sister should pray to Allah for forgiveness and not repeat the sin. She has plenty of time to get married. 27 these days is so young.

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

      • I am not saying they're low-hanging fruits. The polygamy market in the west is already slim, not many girls are interested in sharing with their husbands. Divorced men are more accepting than guys who have never been married. Guys who never been married before a quite picky about who they would want to marry. So if she wants to get married then that's her best option. And of course, she should pray and ask for forgiveness.

      • But her value is not going to be equal to someone who has kept themselves sacred. And her main competition is for girls in their early 20s, and that is when girls are in their prime years and the best years for them to get married. So in an already thought and saturated market, she did the most foolish thing. And now she could possibly be single for the rest of her life.

  2. Brother, that's a harsh thing to say. I understand what you mean though.

    To the sister, you have been used for 4 long years by this guy.
    As you might know, the consequences of comitting zina are grave, let alone if you have been committing this sin numerous times. Forgiveness should therefore be your priority. Resume praying your salat, and realize that due to all this extreme sinning, there is a distance now between you and Allah swt. It's up to you to get closer to Allah swt.
    All sins can be forgiven, including zina, which shows the rahma of Allah swt. So don't despair, as it won't help your case.
    If your desire is really to get married the Islamic way, you should look to get married by involving your parents.
    So no haram stuff whatsoever. It would be sensible to get married to someone who has also committed these types of sins, as it's forbidden in Islam to marry someone who is pure, a virgin and if you yourself are not.

    But overall, the fact to you were comfortable keeping a totally haram relationship for 4 years (!), shows that there is a lot of work to do to in regards to the Deen. Ask Allah swt for forgiveness and start looking for Islamic marriage the HALAL way.

  3. Angel,
    I am sorry that you are in this situation.
    My advice to you is to seek forgiveness and strengthen your connection to Allah (SWT). Do not worry about your future husband because your future is already written. Remember to carry yourself as a pious woman and surround yourself with good Muslims who will encourage you to do good. Also, I want you to know anything is possible. I know of a sister who was able to marry for the first time in her 50s and I know of a divorced sister who had 4 children that found a good husband to marry. But as you are looking for a husband please remember that planning to get married is not the same as actually being married. May Allah (SWT) bless you with the perfect husband for you.
    -Salaam

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