Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have conflicting emotions regarding marriage

upset lonely woman

Salaam everyone,

I have recently stumbled upon this website, which I have used previously during a very dark period of my life going through a divorce. It’s now been a few years since I have divorced my husband. At the time, I was so focused on saving the marriage that I had become completely blind to what an awful man he was and the blessing I was being given to be rid of him with my health intact and no children tying me to him!! Over time, I learned facts and saw behavior that was extremely disturbing and disgusting, and almost like a switch being turned on, I lost interest in him, and was extremely relieved to finally divorce him!

I am well and truly over him, and happy in my life. I have progressed a lot since then, and am generally a much stronger and happier person. I generally don’t think about that part of my life anymore, I have no regrets divorcing him, and quite frankly couldn’t care less about him. I am also extremely grateful for everyone who helped me through it with their advice and support on this forum.

The dilemma I have been facing for the past few years is that I have been wanting to get married for a long time. I know I’m a good catch, I am not boasting (though it may sound like I am!), and I have realized my self worth. The only thing that may be off-putting for people is perhaps my age...I am now in my thirties (but don’t really look it). I have had interest from people have been introduced to many people by family and friends, but other than wanting a marriage so that I can have kids and a family of my own, I have very little interest in marriage otherwise.

This is not due to a fear of commitment, but rather, because I feel so comfortable with life as it is currently. I am finding it quite difficult to develop feelings for anyone. I am quite conservative anyway, so I don’t date, but I am open to getting to know a person via conversation and am generally quite easy to get on with; I make friends easily. But I seem to struggle to feel attracted to a person and despite my age, I don’t feel an urgency to marry. At other times though, I tend to panic about my age and feel I need to just compromise and marry someone for the sake of having children...but my heart/brain won’t allow me to do that either. I am not overly picky about what I am searching for, mainly want a connection with that person, and to have similar beliefs with some level of attraction. I have also noticed that on the rare occasion if I do like someone things just seem to frizzle out without either of us doing anything specifically to cause that.

I feel I’m taking all the right steps to meet the right person: friends, family, mosque, online, etc. - I have opened all doors. And other than my feelings above that are holding me back, I have also come across so many immature thirty-something year-olds, that it’s put me off a little. I also feel that I have progressed so much--career, academically, and generally--that I need someone who I feel connected to intellectually for me to like him and feel attracted to him, but I’m just not finding that.

I just worry that time is running out, and if I reach my forties, then it will get harder. I just wondered if any of you have similar feelings, and what I can do differently. I appreciate my situation is not as urgent as somebody else’s, but time is running out, and it worries me a lot. Any advice would be appreciated.

Buckz


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13 Responses »

  1. Sister continue praying and leave everything in the hand of God

  2. Salaam, If having family is not what you want and is just necessity then you can go for being second wife. A lot of less strings attached and its Sunnah of Prophet (sw). Being second wife will give you time to remain focussed on career, a way to become a mother and have family at the same time. Men with more than one wife don't demand much from wife. This is unorthodox opinion in current times but I know a banker Muslimah who chose to be second wife and she is happy as well.

  3. If I understand correctly you would like to have children, which of course is strongly encouraged in every Muslim marriage as it helps to grow the Ummah and spread Islam. Therefore you should keep trying to find a suitable husband, someone who will help you stay firm in your beliefs and grow in your religion. He may not be your intellectual equal or have made the academic or career progress that you have so far in this life, but remember that real success only comes on the Day of Judgement so your priority should be to find a brother who will help keep Islam in your heart, increase your religious knowledge and grow closer to Allah. If you are not having any success according to this criteria then there is nothing wrong with widening the net by considering brothers who are seeking a second wife, as long as they are able to treat their wives fairly and equally. Since this is a Sunnah, it would bring you great barakah, and may also allow you the space that you need to achieve some of your worldly ambitions in this dunya.

  4. To me it sounds like you want to marry yourself which is not possible. And , I don't think you really want to get married but just want kids. Being a 2nd wife is a route you should consider because you can still continue what you're doing now and you wouldn't need to be so invested in your husband where he is like daily in your face. And you would get the kids you were hoping for. But be careful girls in your situation tend to become mistresses so don't fall in this path. It's haram and it will lead you vulnerable.

  5. As-salaamualaikum

    Have you considered getting into a polygynous marriage? Being a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife of an older man who is more mature, more stable, and more established in life compared to their 30 something brothers.

    This will give you time to be yourself for your career, friends, etc ... while being married, and to be a mother. If the man is mature and his other wife/wives are also mature, you all can be one support to each other and live respectfully as a family. Not in the same house, but maybe close to each other.

    You don't need to spend every day with your husband, and maybe by not seeing him every day, you feel more love and miss him more. You won't see his antics as much and that will probably become endearing if you see it only every other day.

    Something to think about.

  6. Thank you for the suggestions. I think I probably didn’t explain myself very well. I am not against the idea of marriage, I want to have a family, a husband and a stable marriage. Career etc, will take a backseat once I’m married, I very much would love to focus on my husband and children. What I’m struggling with post divorce is the initial step of letting my guard down enough to let someone else into my heart and agree to marry him. Right now, I think as a protective mechanism I’m thinking extremely logically , and that’s removing my interest in any potential suitors I guess. Instead I revert back to my current life as I've become comfortable in it, and know a man won’t hurt me, but I also know I don’t want to live a life of solitude and very much want to enjoy marriage , a husband and children.
    I definetly don't want to be in a polygamous marriage, and I’ve mentioned I’m quite conservative so I have no intentions of becoming a mistress!! I have enough control and am mature enough to stop myself from being involved in a haram relationship !! Additionally, I have interests and introductions, so that’s not an issue either, I don’t think I need to start searching for an already married man. I can become good friends with a guy, so I’m generally quite friendly, but I obviously stop myself progressing in that direction, but other than that, I’m struggling to find the emotional/intellectual connection that I would like, as well as thinking logically, and that is what stops me progressing further. What would maybe help is if I met someone who inspired me, a strong man, who I can look up to , if that makes sense. But what I find currently is, men are attracted to me possibly because of my status, or even if they’re not, I just feel like they’re isn’t much attracting me to them ,I can’t imagine a future with them, because I don’t find them intellectually stimulating enough and I feel terrible for feeling that way, it’s frustrating.

    • As a guy I can assure you guys don't marry women for their status biggest lie of the century .

      Despite reading what you said I still can't pinpoint what your problem may be .maybe you have neglected some important information for us to help you out . You don't sound like someone who is hurting , you come across like you had many options but you just refused to get married . And the fact your guard is up sounds like you put it there yourself voluntarily.

      I have drawn the conclusion that you're either confused or just too comfortable with the way your life is. So question is are you actually ready to get married ? Or are you only rushing because of your age . Maybe you need to slow down the process and figure out what you actually want In a marriage, what kind of guy do you want to marry and knowing that not everyone is perfect, what flaws are you willing to turn a blind eye . At the end of the day marriage is growth you guys will develop together

      Also ignore outside negative opinions

      Anyway wish you nothing but good luck .

    • Asalamualaykum Sister,

      I think I completely understand your dilemma.

      You mention that you are able to make "friends" with guys easily, but don't let it progress further. I personally don't believe it is possible to be platonic friends with men...feelings always end up surfacing and hurting one or both parties down the line, which is why it is against Islam....but that aside, since you already have them, would any of these male "friends" be marriage material for you, where you two could make the relationship halal?

      The reason I ask is that for you, attraction may come with familiarity. I myself have never been attracted to a complete stranger in my entire life...whether a movie actor, singer, model, or simple guy just walking down the street. For me, I need to know someone a bit better, which presents a bit of a dilemma, because in Islam, we are to be wary of becoming even emotionally intimate with a man. So it's a fine line between friendliness and something more.

      Another thing...just from reading your post, it sounds like you are almost looking for a sort of father-figure as your husband. Perhaps you had a difficult relationship with your father or something? Or the opposite...you had a great relationship with your father and use that as a measuring stick for potential mates? In your situation, you might actually be attracted more to someone 10-15 years older than you. Think about it, and don't worry about what society thinks. Because if you are happy, it doesn't matter.

      Hugs,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

  7. Salaam, I wasn’t going to respond because I feel others who are going through bigger hardships probably deserve more attention. But I just wanted to clarify a couple of points. When I said I make friends easily, I didn’t mean it specifically with regards to men. I don’t let myself develop a friendship with a man, I’m quite reserved in that regard, and islamically don’t feel any need to be friends with men. On the other hand, if I was interested in someone for marriage I would definitely want to get to know them, within the bounds of Islam.
    What I meant was that, I’m not a cold person, I’m generally down to earth and friendly , and if I allow it, it won’t be difficult for a man to become friends with me, and have a completely platonic relationship, at least from my end. I have Male colleagues and have a professional and respectful relationship with them during working hours, outside of work there is no further communication, and that’s how I like to keep things. And like you said, it’s difficult for a man and woman to be just good friends, so I’m quite firm about how I communicate with the opposite gender and Alhamdulillah so far that’s protected me from sinful relationships.
    I also have an amazing relationship with my dad, and brothers, I’ve received a lot of respect and support from them, and although it would help to meet a man who is similar in some regards to the men in my family, if he is different but good in his own way, that’s completely fine too. I don’t really want to marry a guy 10-15 years older than me, or enter a polygamous marriage, I’m not comfortable with that at all.
    My dilemma simply is, that I want to get married, especially because I want to have a family. I’m trying my best to meet someone of good character, and who I connect with as a potential husband. But I’m struggling to find those feelings, for anyone. I know I’m comfortable in my life the way it is, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to share it with a husband and a family. I know in my mind thekind of person I would like to marry, and a lot has to do with how I want to raise my children. I need someone with a good understanding of deen, someone I can connect with, and someone with a strong character. I’m just not meeting that person, after several years of trying. I’m completely put off by men who flirt, or who have a weak character, poor etiquette etc. In my twenties it was a lot easier for me to like someone, and want things to progress, in my thirties my thought process is making it much more difficult for me to let my guard down enough to develop some form of connection. It’s incredibly frustrating for me and confuses me. I feel a certain level of guilt at having to speak to various people for the purpose of marriage, although I’m not doing anything wrong it just kills a part of me. It’s very hard to articulate what I’m feeling, but I know it’s not the end of the world, perhaps when the right person comes along those feelings will subside and everything will just fall into place. Thank you to everyone for trying to help with your suggestions.

    • Asalamualaykum,

      It sounds like you have a healthy attitude, and are content but not necessarily happy. When you find the right person for marriage, you will know! It won't present confusion, especially once you have prayed Salat Al-Istikhara.

      Also remember, Aisha, the Prophet's wife (blessings and peace upon them) lived long after his death, as a single woman, and Allah honored her as such.

      While it is Sunnah to get married, it is not obligatory. So please don't feel pressured, and just wait for that feeling.

      More than likely, this is and will be a test of patience for you.

      May Allah bless you with a loving spouse and children when it is the right time, and may He make it beautiful for you.

      Hugs,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

    • Don't wait too much. Most men desire young women, and you already have crossed 30s and divorced. Whether you like or not, you are right now competing with virgin young women who are most desired by men. Alhamdulillah if men are interested to marry with you don't reject offers unnecessarily. I would want you to marry a guy who is intelligent and has intentons to follow the deen. No body is perfect in following the deen (except in case they commit major sins such as Zinah then you have valid reason to reject offer of marriage). May Allah bless you with good and pious man. Amin

      • Well you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m well aware of my age and that I’m divorced. I married when I was young and desirable by male standards, no previous relationships etc, and unfortunately the marriage failed, it was toxic. Now in my thirties, I know what I deserve, but I’m well aware of how judgemental people can be, so should I just settle so I don’t miss the opportunity to have children or just accept that I’ll spend life alone. Most decent men my age, have already married, it’s extremely difficult to meet a good man, and one that isn’t judgemental. But like they say, life is a test, I’m just trying to cope the best way I can. I’m not unnecessarily delaying marriage.

        • It is good to know that you have made good progress in your career and have settled well .
          I really doubt people get what they desire in the marriage .
          Even people who initially appears like very much attracted and happy ends up getting divorce after some years .
          You might find some one who is intellectual superior and well settled and you might find it very attractive .But if the same intellectual guy turns out to be dishonest , lier ,cheater you will loose all attraction and same guy will appear the worst to you .
          Some how i feel for a marriage a honest ,committed and sincere person is required who will be there during all Ups and downs .
          You can still try to find intellectual man but try to find a good , honest man which is the most difficult thing to find in this world than others .
          Attraction depends on how feeling gets developed during relationship .
          Generally a human being is ungrateful and he will always crib even if gets best of everything so it depends on individual .

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