Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have conflicting emotions regarding marriage

upset lonely woman

Salaam everyone,

I have recently stumbled upon this website, which I have used previously during a very dark period of my life going through a divorce. It’s now been a few years since I have divorced my husband. At the time, I was so focused on saving the marriage that I had become completely blind to what an awful man he was and the blessing I was being given to be rid of him with my health intact and no children tying me to him!! Over time, I learned facts and saw behavior that was extremely disturbing and disgusting, and almost like a switch being turned on, I lost interest in him, and was extremely relieved to finally divorce him!

I am well and truly over him, and happy in my life. I have progressed a lot since then, and am generally a much stronger and happier person. I generally don’t think about that part of my life anymore, I have no regrets divorcing him, and quite frankly couldn’t care less about him. I am also extremely grateful for everyone who helped me through it with their advice and support on this forum.

The dilemma I have been facing for the past few years is that I have been wanting to get married for a long time. I know I’m a good catch, I am not boasting (though it may sound like I am!), and I have realized my self worth. The only thing that may be off-putting for people is perhaps my age...I am now in my thirties (but don’t really look it). I have had interest from people have been introduced to many people by family and friends, but other than wanting a marriage so that I can have kids and a family of my own, I have very little interest in marriage otherwise.

This is not due to a fear of commitment, but rather, because I feel so comfortable with life as it is currently. I am finding it quite difficult to develop feelings for anyone. I am quite conservative anyway, so I don’t date, but I am open to getting to know a person via conversation and am generally quite easy to get on with; I make friends easily. But I seem to struggle to feel attracted to a person and despite my age, I don’t feel an urgency to marry. At other times though, I tend to panic about my age and feel I need to just compromise and marry someone for the sake of having children...but my heart/brain won’t allow me to do that either. I am not overly picky about what I am searching for, mainly want a connection with that person, and to have similar beliefs with some level of attraction. I have also noticed that on the rare occasion if I do like someone things just seem to frizzle out without either of us doing anything specifically to cause that.

I feel I’m taking all the right steps to meet the right person: friends, family, mosque, online, etc. - I have opened all doors. And other than my feelings above that are holding me back, I have also come across so many immature thirty-something year-olds, that it’s put me off a little. I also feel that I have progressed so much--career, academically, and generally--that I need someone who I feel connected to intellectually for me to like him and feel attracted to him, but I’m just not finding that.

I just worry that time is running out, and if I reach my forties, then it will get harder. I just wondered if any of you have similar feelings, and what I can do differently. I appreciate my situation is not as urgent as somebody else’s, but time is running out, and it worries me a lot. Any advice would be appreciated.

Buckz


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25 Responses »

  1. Sister continue praying and leave everything in the hand of God

  2. Salaam, If having family is not what you want and is just necessity then you can go for being second wife. A lot of less strings attached and its Sunnah of Prophet (sw). Being second wife will give you time to remain focussed on career, a way to become a mother and have family at the same time. Men with more than one wife don't demand much from wife. This is unorthodox opinion in current times but I know a banker Muslimah who chose to be second wife and she is happy as well.

  3. If I understand correctly you would like to have children, which of course is strongly encouraged in every Muslim marriage as it helps to grow the Ummah and spread Islam. Therefore you should keep trying to find a suitable husband, someone who will help you stay firm in your beliefs and grow in your religion. He may not be your intellectual equal or have made the academic or career progress that you have so far in this life, but remember that real success only comes on the Day of Judgement so your priority should be to find a brother who will help keep Islam in your heart, increase your religious knowledge and grow closer to Allah. If you are not having any success according to this criteria then there is nothing wrong with widening the net by considering brothers who are seeking a second wife, as long as they are able to treat their wives fairly and equally. Since this is a Sunnah, it would bring you great barakah, and may also allow you the space that you need to achieve some of your worldly ambitions in this dunya.

  4. To me it sounds like you want to marry yourself which is not possible. And , I don't think you really want to get married but just want kids. Being a 2nd wife is a route you should consider because you can still continue what you're doing now and you wouldn't need to be so invested in your husband where he is like daily in your face. And you would get the kids you were hoping for. But be careful girls in your situation tend to become mistresses so don't fall in this path. It's haram and it will lead you vulnerable.

  5. As-salaamualaikum

    Have you considered getting into a polygynous marriage? Being a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife of an older man who is more mature, more stable, and more established in life compared to their 30 something brothers.

    This will give you time to be yourself for your career, friends, etc ... while being married, and to be a mother. If the man is mature and his other wife/wives are also mature, you all can be one support to each other and live respectfully as a family. Not in the same house, but maybe close to each other.

    You don't need to spend every day with your husband, and maybe by not seeing him every day, you feel more love and miss him more. You won't see his antics as much and that will probably become endearing if you see it only every other day.

    Something to think about.

  6. Thank you for the suggestions. I think I probably didn’t explain myself very well. I am not against the idea of marriage, I want to have a family, a husband and a stable marriage. Career etc, will take a backseat once I’m married, I very much would love to focus on my husband and children. What I’m struggling with post divorce is the initial step of letting my guard down enough to let someone else into my heart and agree to marry him. Right now, I think as a protective mechanism I’m thinking extremely logically , and that’s removing my interest in any potential suitors I guess. Instead I revert back to my current life as I've become comfortable in it, and know a man won’t hurt me, but I also know I don’t want to live a life of solitude and very much want to enjoy marriage , a husband and children.
    I definetly don't want to be in a polygamous marriage, and I’ve mentioned I’m quite conservative so I have no intentions of becoming a mistress!! I have enough control and am mature enough to stop myself from being involved in a haram relationship !! Additionally, I have interests and introductions, so that’s not an issue either, I don’t think I need to start searching for an already married man. I can become good friends with a guy, so I’m generally quite friendly, but I obviously stop myself progressing in that direction, but other than that, I’m struggling to find the emotional/intellectual connection that I would like, as well as thinking logically, and that is what stops me progressing further. What would maybe help is if I met someone who inspired me, a strong man, who I can look up to , if that makes sense. But what I find currently is, men are attracted to me possibly because of my status, or even if they’re not, I just feel like they’re isn’t much attracting me to them ,I can’t imagine a future with them, because I don’t find them intellectually stimulating enough and I feel terrible for feeling that way, it’s frustrating.

    • As a guy I can assure you guys don't marry women for their status biggest lie of the century .

      Despite reading what you said I still can't pinpoint what your problem may be .maybe you have neglected some important information for us to help you out . You don't sound like someone who is hurting , you come across like you had many options but you just refused to get married . And the fact your guard is up sounds like you put it there yourself voluntarily.

      I have drawn the conclusion that you're either confused or just too comfortable with the way your life is. So question is are you actually ready to get married ? Or are you only rushing because of your age . Maybe you need to slow down the process and figure out what you actually want In a marriage, what kind of guy do you want to marry and knowing that not everyone is perfect, what flaws are you willing to turn a blind eye . At the end of the day marriage is growth you guys will develop together

      Also ignore outside negative opinions

      Anyway wish you nothing but good luck .

    • Asalamualaykum Sister,

      I think I completely understand your dilemma.

      You mention that you are able to make "friends" with guys easily, but don't let it progress further. I personally don't believe it is possible to be platonic friends with men...feelings always end up surfacing and hurting one or both parties down the line, which is why it is against Islam....but that aside, since you already have them, would any of these male "friends" be marriage material for you, where you two could make the relationship halal?

      The reason I ask is that for you, attraction may come with familiarity. I myself have never been attracted to a complete stranger in my entire life...whether a movie actor, singer, model, or simple guy just walking down the street. For me, I need to know someone a bit better, which presents a bit of a dilemma, because in Islam, we are to be wary of becoming even emotionally intimate with a man. So it's a fine line between friendliness and something more.

      Another thing...just from reading your post, it sounds like you are almost looking for a sort of father-figure as your husband. Perhaps you had a difficult relationship with your father or something? Or the opposite...you had a great relationship with your father and use that as a measuring stick for potential mates? In your situation, you might actually be attracted more to someone 10-15 years older than you. Think about it, and don't worry about what society thinks. Because if you are happy, it doesn't matter.

      Hugs,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

  7. Salaam, I wasn’t going to respond because I feel others who are going through bigger hardships probably deserve more attention. But I just wanted to clarify a couple of points. When I said I make friends easily, I didn’t mean it specifically with regards to men. I don’t let myself develop a friendship with a man, I’m quite reserved in that regard, and islamically don’t feel any need to be friends with men. On the other hand, if I was interested in someone for marriage I would definitely want to get to know them, within the bounds of Islam.
    What I meant was that, I’m not a cold person, I’m generally down to earth and friendly , and if I allow it, it won’t be difficult for a man to become friends with me, and have a completely platonic relationship, at least from my end. I have Male colleagues and have a professional and respectful relationship with them during working hours, outside of work there is no further communication, and that’s how I like to keep things. And like you said, it’s difficult for a man and woman to be just good friends, so I’m quite firm about how I communicate with the opposite gender and Alhamdulillah so far that’s protected me from sinful relationships.
    I also have an amazing relationship with my dad, and brothers, I’ve received a lot of respect and support from them, and although it would help to meet a man who is similar in some regards to the men in my family, if he is different but good in his own way, that’s completely fine too. I don’t really want to marry a guy 10-15 years older than me, or enter a polygamous marriage, I’m not comfortable with that at all.
    My dilemma simply is, that I want to get married, especially because I want to have a family. I’m trying my best to meet someone of good character, and who I connect with as a potential husband. But I’m struggling to find those feelings, for anyone. I know I’m comfortable in my life the way it is, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to share it with a husband and a family. I know in my mind thekind of person I would like to marry, and a lot has to do with how I want to raise my children. I need someone with a good understanding of deen, someone I can connect with, and someone with a strong character. I’m just not meeting that person, after several years of trying. I’m completely put off by men who flirt, or who have a weak character, poor etiquette etc. In my twenties it was a lot easier for me to like someone, and want things to progress, in my thirties my thought process is making it much more difficult for me to let my guard down enough to develop some form of connection. It’s incredibly frustrating for me and confuses me. I feel a certain level of guilt at having to speak to various people for the purpose of marriage, although I’m not doing anything wrong it just kills a part of me. It’s very hard to articulate what I’m feeling, but I know it’s not the end of the world, perhaps when the right person comes along those feelings will subside and everything will just fall into place. Thank you to everyone for trying to help with your suggestions.

    • Asalamualaykum,

      It sounds like you have a healthy attitude, and are content but not necessarily happy. When you find the right person for marriage, you will know! It won't present confusion, especially once you have prayed Salat Al-Istikhara.

      Also remember, Aisha, the Prophet's wife (blessings and peace upon them) lived long after his death, as a single woman, and Allah honored her as such.

      While it is Sunnah to get married, it is not obligatory. So please don't feel pressured, and just wait for that feeling.

      More than likely, this is and will be a test of patience for you.

      May Allah bless you with a loving spouse and children when it is the right time, and may He make it beautiful for you.

      Hugs,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

    • Don't wait too much. Most men desire young women, and you already have crossed 30s and divorced. Whether you like or not, you are right now competing with virgin young women who are most desired by men. Alhamdulillah if men are interested to marry with you don't reject offers unnecessarily. I would want you to marry a guy who is intelligent and has intentons to follow the deen. No body is perfect in following the deen (except in case they commit major sins such as Zinah then you have valid reason to reject offer of marriage). May Allah bless you with good and pious man. Amin

      • Well you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m well aware of my age and that I’m divorced. I married when I was young and desirable by male standards, no previous relationships etc, and unfortunately the marriage failed, it was toxic. Now in my thirties, I know what I deserve, but I’m well aware of how judgemental people can be, so should I just settle so I don’t miss the opportunity to have children or just accept that I’ll spend life alone. Most decent men my age, have already married, it’s extremely difficult to meet a good man, and one that isn’t judgemental. But like they say, life is a test, I’m just trying to cope the best way I can. I’m not unnecessarily delaying marriage.

        • It is good to know that you have made good progress in your career and have settled well .
          I really doubt people get what they desire in the marriage .
          Even people who initially appears like very much attracted and happy ends up getting divorce after some years .
          You might find some one who is intellectual superior and well settled and you might find it very attractive .But if the same intellectual guy turns out to be dishonest , lier ,cheater you will loose all attraction and same guy will appear the worst to you .
          Some how i feel for a marriage a honest ,committed and sincere person is required who will be there during all Ups and downs .
          You can still try to find intellectual man but try to find a good , honest man which is the most difficult thing to find in this world than others .
          Attraction depends on how feeling gets developed during relationship .
          Generally a human being is ungrateful and he will always crib even if gets best of everything so it depends on individual .

  8. Feel slightly silly writing about this, because it’s a small issue for most, but I feel a little disheartened and just want some advice. The good news is I finally came across someone online, who I felt had all the qualities I am looking for. So I met him, but because I wanted so much for things to work out I became unusually nervous and didn’t make much conversation. He felt that there wasn’t a connection, and didn’t want to pursue things further. But I mentioned that I was nervous etc and he decided it might be worth meeting again to see if things change. So we met again, this time I wasn’t nervous but I lacked confidence in myself although I probably didn’t show this! My lack of confidence was because he had already rejected me once, but I really wanted things to work out. Also this time he didn’t seem to make much effort in making conversation, and i noticed him a few times looking at other women. Bearing in mind it was a very hot day so there were lots of half naked women. I didn’t feel insecure about this, because I’m sure if I removed my hijab and showed some flesh I’d no doubt recieve the same kind of attention! But it did de-motivate me, and disheartened me, I felt like he was there but wasn’t focussed on me. So once again I felt this led to a lack of meaningful conversation. I stopped trying because I felt he wasn’t interested in me. Since then hes checked to make sure I got home ok, but has made no further conversation nor has he told me that he’s not interested. He’s just become silent which I feel is rude, but I assume that means he’s not interested and just doesn’t want to verbally reject me a second time. I feel that at my age it’s very difficult to come across good guys. And although he’s not perfect he ticks a lot of my boxes and I really want things to work out with him. I prayed istikhara right from the get go before I even spoke to him, for guidance, and after a very long time I really want things to work out with someone. But he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. I don’t know whether to contact him and be upfront about how I’m feeling or just leave it and move on. If I was younger I probably never would’ve considered him, because there’s quite a bit of an age gap , about 9-10 years. I also would not have pursued him. But I don’t feel like I have a choice , it’s hard to come by good guys at my age, and I feel quite upset that things may not work out with him. I may never find the right person for marriage, and it’s making me anxious and incredibly sad.

    • Asalamualaykum Sister,

      I've always been of the belief that it shouldn't be as hard as you're describing to connect with someone...if you've met this guy only twice and you are already having to guess at what he's thinking and feeling...well, that is exhausting. For you, it is better to be with someone who is direct, knows what they want, and is not so passive as this fellow.

      It's so hard, I know, but try not to get so desperate. When you relax, things will naturally unfold in the best manner, as you are being yourself. You have to love Allah first and foremost...and then yourself. If these two conditions aren't met first, you're not about to meet someone who is worthy of you.

      I wouldn't pursue things with this guy anymore. When people show you who they are, believe them. While I'm sure the guy isn't bad, he is clearly not for you. You are not even married to him and he is already causing you so much stress!

      Hugs,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

      • Salaam Nor,
        You’re right , I shouldn’t be so desperate, I guess I’m just tired of going through endless meets, and not finding the one. I’m also getting old, and am desperate to have children, if it wasn’t for a ticking biological clock, I’d be pretty laid back about things. With this guy, I did in fact contact him, for closure, for my sake. He instead got back to me and said he’d been busy and apologised for his lack of contact. He said it may be a good idea to continue speaking over the fone to ensure we’ve tried everything possible to make things work. Which I guess is a polite way of rejecting me and not hurting my feelings in the process.
        Please keep me in your duas, I’d never imagined the process of finding ‘the one’ would have been this difficult.

        • Sister Buckz,

          I just made dua for you to find a good man. And I understand. It's not easy with a ticking biological clock, especially if you've always wanted children. But the right guy will still come along when you are relaxed and can be present in the moment when you meet with him....not when you're nerve-wracked and unsure of yourself. It's good you were able to get closure from this guy, so you can cross him off the list. I'm sure Allah has someone better for you. 🙂

          Hugs,

          Nor
          IslamicAnswers

  9. I know exactly what you mean, I have the same feelings. unlike you I was never married and always felt out of step with my peers, they were desperate to get married but not me, I wanted an education, family and children were for later.
    It didn't help that my family life was not stable enough to give me confidence to just trust anyone, maybe I was naive in thinking the right guy will come along and I would feel a connection but it never happened,.
    Now that I'm in my thirties I have conflicting feelings, there's an urgency to get married and have children but also a rejection of settling for anyone just to have what I want, most men from my cultural background don't connect with me on an intellectual level and I don't find that attractive.
    I think the only option is to be proactive and go out looking for what you want, make a decision to choose someone and compromise on what you want or accept that you won't get it, for you, you have many excellent qualities and plenty of men won't mid someone in their 30's if you widen your search you might find them.
    As for me, I'm not such a catch so I might have to give up on what I want.

    Good Luck

    • Salaam sister,
      Sorry for the difficulties that you’re facing. InshaAllah things work out how we imagined in terms of marriage, Ameen . You mentioned that you find it difficult to connect with men from your own culture, have you tried branching outside of your community/culture? I’m personally not too tied up about culture/ethnicity etc, which helps. unfortunately though I just haven’t met my match yet, for whatever reason. I keep getting paranoid about black magic /evil eye etc preventing me progressing in this part of my life! But I know I’m just overthinking it!

      • Salaam, I just wondered if anyone has any practical /spiritual advice other than what I’ve already tried.
        I’m not understanding why I have ended up having a bad marriage, being cheated on/pathological liar/mentally abused etc, to searching for years and not finding ‘the one’.
        I’m not a bad person, i am not perfect but I know im a good catch and marriage material. But things for no good reason just don’t work out for me.
        I pray five times a day, I’m practising as a Muslim, and I have kept up with the worldly side of things too, job, education, etc.
        I dress modestly, wear a hijab and it’s not in my nature to flirt etc, so I would have hoped that I would attract guys that have good morals. But instead I seem to meet creeps, and anyone that’s normal who I feel I may have an interest in, usually has interest from lots of other women, and so things never progress, for no good reason.
        I know for a fact that if didn’t wear a hijab I would attract a lot of high quality men, because from what I have realised , most men, even if they claim to be religious are still attracted to women who don’t wear a Hijab, it’s hard for them to appreciate someone who dresses modestly. There are so many educated beautiful good women out there, men are simply spoilt for choice. So where does that leave me? Where do I go from here? Remove my hijab , because the temptation to do that is so strong, but I’m fighting it, eventhough I’m tired of all this.
        I also wonder whether it’s the evil eye/black magic. I keep telling myself not to be so irrational, but it just doesn’t make sense that it’s taking this long to meet someone worthwhile. And when I do, things don’t work out. I’m open to feedback, but there really isn’t anything I’m doing wrong to push people away. I don’t flirt etc, but I am pleasant to be around, and like-able. I have been told I’m good looking many times, so although I’m definitely no model, I know I’m not terrible looking either. I’ve tried various different methods to meet people, marriage events, online, family, friends, etc but nothing ever progresses, and it’s starting to concern me now, because it’s not like things go wrong either, they simply don’t progress and it baffles me. I have had discussions with my friends and family too, and they are baffled too. The only thing I can think of is that although I’m not horrible looking, perhaps I’m just not good looking enough for men to pick me, there will always be someone more beautiful and they know it? I believe I have all the qualities a man would otherwise search for in a wife.
        Im running out of time and I simply don’t understand how to help myself meet the right person, soon. I don’t know where I’m going wrong.

        • Asalamualaykum Buckz,

          I don't think that removing your hijab will attract "high-quality men." In fact, quite the opposite! If you want a man who loves and fears Allah more than anyone and anything, then I would keep wearing hijab, as difficult as it may be. Let those men who prefer looks, etc. go for women who do the same. Leave your destiny up to Allah, where it should be.

          Just out of curiosity, have you tried to pray Tahajjud and make sincere dua to Allah after that? I think that is your absolute best option. You may not get what you expect, but you may get something better! Also, have you tried talking to people in the masjid who could spread the word? You may want to ask around as to whether there are any reputed "matchmakers" in the masjid/mosque that you attend.

          Other than that, I think you should remember that "with every hardship, there is ease." Allah has the best plan for you, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Over time, you will see that things worked out for the best...but you have to actively "look" for these positives and ponder over them sometimes.

          Life is not perfect. We may not get everything we want here in this Dunya, but we will get what we need. The good news is that if you are Muslim, you believe in an Akhirah where you will get what you want. We just need to focus on getting there and balancing our worldly needs with the spiritual. Inshallah with patience and prayer, you will feel better.

          Hugs,

          Nor
          IslamicAnswers

  10. Salaam Nor,
    Thank you for your kind response.
    I understand what you’re saying regarding hijab, and although the temptation is strong, My conscience probably won’t allow me to remove it. I just feel that if a woman who had all the same qualities as me, but looked more attractive because she didn’t wear a hijab, would be more noticed, and probably seen as more approachable, giving her an advantage over someone like me. Hijab and dressing modestly naturally guards your beauty, that’s what it’s meant to do, but it also makes you less noticeable.

    What’s ironic is that I have been approached a few times by men who are not Muslim. They are usually good quality, educated men. They like how I look because I dress modestly, and appreciate me for who I am, my values and morals and understand the reason for hijab. But because they don’t accept Islam or even religion generally , I never let things progress. I don’t date and i don’t have the luxury of time to take things slowly to see if they eventually accept Islam for themselves. So it’s a shame. I feel disappointed that the same motivation doesn’t exist in many Muslim men, they seem to be confused about what they want, and struggle to stick to one woman, they have to keep searching until they find someone better, at least that’s what I’ve felt.

    It’s quite painful for me to speak to random men, a part of me dies each time, I really don’t like it. It’s with good intentions, but I’m just tired of it.

    In terms of prayers, I pray tahajjd regularly , and even more so, last ramadan, which had given me hope. I make sincere dua, after all my prayers, eat halal, charity, take care of my parents, fast Etc. I have looked closely at each aspect of my life to ensure I’m not doing anything incorrectly which could be causing this particular hardship. And although I’m not perfect, I’m not a bad person, and haven’t committed any major sins.

    Everyone I know is aware that I’m looking to get married and they do their bit. Mosque, family, friends and even colleagues!! I’ve been to matchmaking events face to face prior to the pandemic, and also online during the pandemic. Established Matchmakers have my details too but still nothing. It’s not that I have never been recommended people or haven’t recieved interest, but it’s just hard to come across quality men. It’s terrible to say this but I feel like I’m presented with the left overs, because I’m in my thirties and divorced. I am happy to compromise on certain aspects but sometimes the compromise is just too much, and we’re just not compatible. Or alternatively, things just dissolve and there doesn’t seem to be a real reason.

    Ultimately I’ve lost hope. I feel like a fraud complaining because alhamdullah I’m blessed in many ways, this is the only part of my life that gives me grief. A traumatic marriage, divorce, recovery from that, and now years of trying to meet the right person and nothing.

    Im stable in life otherwise, I don’t need marriage to live, and would probably be a positive addition to my husbands life, if he exists.

    What’s worrying is that I’ve started to accept that this is my fate, and I need to get used to it. I desperately want children, a companion. I really don’t feel that I deserve to be lonely. I feel bad for my parents because although they are proud of me and are strong amazing parents, I can tell they feel grief over my situation, I can sense their unhappiness. But Allah knows best.

    • Asalamualaykum Sister Buckz,

      You write: "What’s ironic is that I have been approached a few times by men who are not Muslim. They are usually good quality, educated men. They like how I look because I dress modestly, and appreciate me for who I am, my values and morals and understand the reason for hijab. But because they don’t accept Islam or even religion generally , I never let things progress."

      Sister, if these guys like your modest look as you say, then by default they are appreciating Islam. Next time this happens, you should ask the guy if he is interested in learning more about Islam. You never know unless you ask, and perhaps one of these men convert to Islam. If your pickings are as slim as you describe, then at least it's worth a shot, you know? After all, you say these are good men who are respecting Islam's standards already, perhaps even more than some "born" Muslims. You could carry around a small copy of the Quran with you (there is one translated by Maulana Wahiduddin Khan that is completely in English and very portable) and offer to loan it next time a seemingly- good man approaches you. I know you say you don't have the luxury of time, but that is even more reason to be open to it! The process needs to start somewhere, you know?

      "I have looked closely at each aspect of my life to ensure I’m not doing anything incorrectly which could be causing this particular hardship."

      I am sure you are an upstanding person and Muslimah who is not neglecting any part of her life or her deen. But that does not mean you will not be tested. You could be tested with many other things...a terminally sick parent, a deformity of limb or other physical illness, an abusive partner...it's just that yours is a difficult time finding a suitable partner. So please go easy on yourself...you have so many other qualities and things to be proud of.

      "I feel like I’m presented with the left overs...I'm in my thirties and divorced"

      Okay sister...here I am going to have to intervene. There is no such thing as "leftovers." Each human being that Allah creates is as important, as vital to this world as the next. The world wouldn't be what it is without even ONE person who exists. So I feel this is a mindset that you can improve on. Remember, you never know someone's history, background, challenges that have led them to where they are. Someone may not appear educated on paper, yet be very intelligent, determined, have "street smarts," or just learn things very easily without even studying. Or someone may make a great technician in a field where they get much more return on their work than they would get as a professor of a university or a doctor, you know? We all have the responsibility to create a life worth living and using our God-given abilities in the absolute best way we can. There is just no way to know a person unless you let go of any preconceived notions of what a "good, educated" man looks like and invest a little into learning about the individual in front of you. Again, not trying to be difficult or harsh with you....just trying to expand that worldview a bit 🙂

      "I feel like a fraud complaining because alhamdullah I’m blessed in many ways, this is the only part of my life that gives me grief."

      Don't worry about it. As I said, everything is relative, and just because some areas of your life are positive and settled, it doesn't mean you won't have tests. This is yours. The great thing about tests, especially ones administered by Allah who knows you better than you know yourself, is that they can be passed! It's only a matter of time and some effort before you will find relief...I am sure of it.

      "What’s worrying is that I’ve started to accept that this is my fate, and I need to get used to it."

      You know, that may not be such a bad thing sister. There's no harm in being content in the present while patiently striving for more. In fact, that takes some of the pressure off. I don't want to minimize your suffering...I know you are suffering much...it's just that whether you are suffering or content, this will all happen only in Allah's best timing. And when that time comes, no one will have a say in it but Allah.

      You are brave sister...It's just a matter of time. If you're going to compromise on something, let it be the "all or nothing" attitude that Shaytan likes to dole us in times of desperation. You might be surprised at what you find in the middle 🙂

      Hugs,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

      • Salaam sister nor,
        Just thought I’d quickly respond, with regards to the ‘left overs ‘ description. It does sound really harsh, and I didn’t mean for it to sound this way, but what I meant was that , traditional matchmakers sometimes place me in the reject pile simply because I’m divorced and over 30. They automatically dismiss other qualities in me, and match me with men who are also ‘rejects’, who are single for a reason. They are not marriage material in my opinion, as harsh as it sounds, but like you said we are all valuable individuals, so Allah knows best. If I took the difficult step of ending my previous marriage because of a man of poor character/etiquette , why would I then get involved with someone who also has poor etiquette just to end up in the same situation all over again. Where I was once very open to compromise, I’m now more focussed on what I want. Even more so because I want children, and With each man I speak to, I judge him based on whether I feel he would be a good father, not just a husband.

        With regards to the non Muslim men, I’ve never considered giving them a copy of the Qur’an, I’ll consider that if there’s a next time, thank you , but a couple of times I have tried to introduce the idea of Islam, I’ve even sent some you tube videos which I felt offer a quick effortless introduction to Islam, a start. But although they respected me and my religion and were willing to support my beliefs, they themselves were either atheists , and they would first need convincing that God exists , and then progress to a specific religion, or Christian who just were not interested in Islam, or they were willing to convert to Islam just for my sake if things progressed, which I don’t think is correct. So ultimately it made no sense for me to continue down that path.

        With regards to accepting my fate, I like your response to that it makes perfect sense. I’m just not in a good place mentally to see it in a positive light though. I feel tired and very disheartened, it’s frustrating because I know I’m marriage material and i have a lot to offer. Nows the perfect time for me to have kids. I’m just not meeting the right person, or if I do, they naturally have a lot of interest from multiple individuals, so why would they go for me, over someone who might be younger, never married etc. Unfortunately I become an option. But if I’d met the same people a few years ago, they’d behave differently. And I don’t know how to change that. It makes me panic because for me time is running out.

        As you said, everything happens when Allah wills it. But I need to try, and that’s where I lose faith, quite literally.

        • Sister Buckz,

          Thank you for explaining your thought process to me. It does make sense that if you divorced for a particular reason, you wouldn't want that same reason to present itself down the road.

          It is definitely true that you have to try and do your part while still expecting the best from Allah. This is a test of patience for you...not passive patience, but active.

          You definitely have the biological clock ticking, I can tell from your posts. Just so you know, more and more women are having babies later these days. My 39-year-old sister just had a healthy baby girl, a former coworker of mine had a baby at 39, and a 41-year old friend of mine also had a baby.

          I understand the urgency...it's that kind of anxiety that I believe Allah puts us through to give us a little "push" or motivation where we might not otherwise have it. it is meant only to set things in motion and not to overwhelm us. If it does get overwhelming, give yourself some self-love, a breather. We can only do so much before we need to rest.

          Allah's got you sister 🙂

          Hugs,

          Nor
          IslamicAnswers

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