Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married and divorced all in 3 years

Himanshu Singh Gurjar_Silhouette_ZUdiQWs

Asalaam O'Alaikum,

I'll start by sharing a little about myself.

From a young age I have always been the quite kind. I don't wear a scarf but I dress with modest manners. Lying, drinking, smoking and dating are some of the many haram things I have never practiced in my life. Alhumdulillah Allah has blessed me with good features and well manners. I'm not saying I'm perfect, to name a few imperfections I bottle up emotions, I don't talk much and I dont express myself.

Living in Canada with no family/family friends has been major challenge for me and my family. My dad works 7 days a week and my mom is a house wife who provides for us without fail despite having her own health issues. We hardly get company over, maybe 2-3 times in a year. Alhumdulillah for that. My friends whom I thought were friends no longer keep in contact with me. I'm trying to keep ties.

At university I used to stay over on weekends and spent long evenings and worked part time for my expenses. Sleep, time, friends and family became a luxury for me. I had no life. I dream of enjoying my time and creating memories with my cousins whom I no longer talk with due to family problems and friends at the time whom I don't have anymore. I want more exposure on my culture, I want to eat good food, dress up and enjoy some quality time with good people. I want to attend weddings and feel the good vibes.

Later on the time of marriage came. My desire was to travel and enjoy some time off and spend it with my family that I long awaited for upon the completion of my studies. But Allah and my parents had other plans. Despite me trying to hold off on marriage, I was introduced to a very handsome, young, educated and a Muslim man. This happened through an online matrimonial website profile set up by my parents and his parents without our consent. He was an only child, same age, lived under the same roof as his parents and, from what it seemed at the time, was very well mannered. He prayed 5 times a day, he was school and family oriented, he had good friends, and he had his extended family here too. His parents were well aged compared to mine. It told us that they want his son to settle down because they want someone in his life to take care of him since they can only do it for so long. Mashallah from their looks and their personalities they seemed to be very well mannered and trustworthy. Him and I slowly began talking, it was awkward for me since this was my very first experience talking to someone with the intent of spending and sharing my life with them. I never fell in love so it was very hard for me to understand this concept when all I did was study. He was still in school too and planned on taking on a new career, a much better one to better provide for me and our future family. I was okay with it because he had good intentions behind it even though I knew he would be busy with school after marriage.

We got engaged while I was finishing up school and 6 months later we got married. I moved to his town to live with him and his parents. I used to feel very tired and sleep deprived due to my lack of iron levels and inability of catching up with my sleep I lost in school. The time of Ramadan hit and that drained my energy away even further. Alhumdulillah I lived not too far away from my parents so I used to visit them every now and then.

Shortly after the wedding and our honeymoon trip his mom introduced me to cooking and cleaning. I never learned how to cook due to my studies. May Allah bless them for their patience with my cooking. I started to clean and cook while working part time at the same job and job hunting in my field. My life changed as I started going out more and meeting new faces whenever his parents, him and I would attend family events. Sometimes he would go out in the evenings and come home late at night while I would wait for him. He was a gym junky so I started to go gymming with him too. He loved martial arts so I joined in hopes of sharing some time with him. Now despite all this, I was waiting on him for the day he would have some time for me. Every evening he would study. I never complained, I was happy he was at least studying and not involved in any other kind of activities. I supported him however much I could have. I used to get upset here and there because him and I didn't spend much time together as a couple and enjoy ourselves. We went out every month or so or whenever he had time, and we watched movies at night. It started becoming a little hard for me to cook and clean and work part time only to see him in the evening and study after dinner. I started becoming depressed. I started sleeping in until his mom started to this point out. I started to go over more to my parents house until him and his mom started to point this out. I stopped job hunting after losing all hope until his mom started to point this out. She worked full time and brought the income in the house while his dad sat at home and watched television. So I'm not sure how she even knew I slept in or went over to my parents house. But I was always tired, I thought I could catch up on some sleep and visit my family since my ex husband never had the time.

Anyways, I started getting up earlier only to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I managed to find a career job but that only lasted a few months. I was used and degraded and eventually fired. I stopped visiting my family often. I tried to be happy but I felt like the more I tried the more miserable I felt. They noted this and started doubting my happiness with them. I barely had anyone to talk with and I had no friends. My ex husband and i held off on getting pregnant because we wanted to enjoy our life a bit since we are both so young. I went to the gym but I stopped martial arts because I didn't have enough money to pay for it. The town I lived in had no shopping malls near by so going to a mall took me a lot of planning and i had to make sure everything at home was done. These little things started to affect my confidence and play with my emotions.  My personal life with my husband wasn't the greatest either and that was a major factor in my happiness. I always found myself waiting for something good to happen. This carried on for two years. Eventually his mom started hating me. She hated me visiting my family, the fact we had left overs for dinner. This, however, was a rule set by her to finish leftovers in the house as much as possible. She hated how I seperated my and my ex husband's laundry from his parents laundry. She hated that I stayed home and she worked and everytime him and i went out to spend some time together. Her expectation was to spend with as a family in the evenings together with the four of us. Which was fine but then when would I spend time with my ex husband? But him being an obedient son he listened to his mom. I started becoming more and more depressed, I started crying more often. I prayed to Allah to change things for the better. I saw no results in new friends, new job, happiness. I felt trapped with his dad always in the house. A year passed by, I tried to change things up a bit by holding some celebrations at home. I planned a surprise birthday party for him where I wanted to invite his friends and cousins. That eventually turned into his mom inviting families as well. My plan was to enjoy and be a part of this event but I thought "it's okay, next time". So everything happened based on her planning. I ended up serving, cleaning, cooking and greeting people while he enjoyed. I wanted to be a part of that, but I thought its okay. I was tired, exhausted, frustrated, and upset. I wanted to enjoy my time but I didn't. But I didnt say anything and smiled it off. After that I never invited anyone because that was just too mentally and physically exhausting for me. When I wanted to invite his friends and cousins over, his parents always planned to be there and invite more people. 

Eventually his cousin who got married shortly after we did started becoming close with my ex husband and I. We loved their company and used to invite them over. I was happy I would have some one to talk with finally. But that was never the case when they came over. His parents always joined in the conversions and eventually it became more about what his parents wanted to talk about. Eventually I introduced the idea of double date at their place to my ex husband. This idea hit off well and I started to enjoy their company and develope a bond with his cousins wife. Until they had a child.

Meanwhile, his mom hated on me and accused me of lies and yelled at me. This event happened during Ramadan. My parents were trying to start up a restaurant business so I started going over more to help them with that. That stopped fast and this erupted an argument between me and my ex-husband. Eventually I settled a day with him and his family for me to go over once a week to keep myself sane. And i did so. He stopped visiting my family. His parents stopped calling and visiting them. This went on for a few months.

Later him and i got into an argument about us. He stopped doing everything with me. It was like I was just a room mate. So I suggested an idea to go outside and talk about this since everytime we had an argument his parents would get involved. We did. It ended well until he announced to me that he made an appointment to get a permenant procedure done to avoid having kids. At that moment I felt my life falling down fast. I lost it. I yelled and screamed at him and ran off to my parents place. He dropped me off. He tried to reconcile but I was still angry at him. His parents and him came over and we all tried to talk things out, but his mom didnt stop downgrading me. She disregarded the step her son took and verbally attacked me. That got nowhere and they left. Then my parents went over to sort things out without me and apparently it went well until they came home with my suitcases and things. I lost it again. I knew that woman was brainwashing her son and low key kicking me out. My mom called them and ordered my ex-husband to come over and handle me but I refused to see him. My mom lost it and got very angry, despite that she was trying very hard to bear the decision he made. She yelled at him, but not as bad as how his mom had yelled at me before. And they left.

I was emotionally disturbed and mentally upset. I wasnt able to think straight after what had happened. When I had calmed down and was ready to talk to him about this, i tried contacting him and i never got a hold of him. I started having panic attacks, I developed low blood pressure which I am now struggling with and my health. I knew they were upset, but over what? My behavior? But what were they doing as adults? I realized I made mistakes with my behaviour bit I wasn't thinking straight and I apologized to them as well. Regardless, I sent over gifts, I tried to get a hold of him through his cousin and his wife, I went over to their place and asked them to help us reconcile. I wrote them sweet little nothing's and things like how much they mean to me and how sorry I was. Months went by he never contacted me. Eventually my dad called them and asked what was going on, and his mom told him hes going for Umrah. I was very happy with the step he had taken. I just wish I had gone with him. Him and i started texting but he was very cold shouldered towards me. He changed. He was no longer who I married. He started saying things like he doesn't know what to do and how do decide without hurting anyone. All he told me was that regardless of the decision he wants me to be happy and he never wants to hurt me. However, he eventually broke the new to me over the phone while my mom was gone back home to attend a funeral of a very close aunt. He was divorcing me. I cried. I cried and sobbed and screamed and cried some more. I lost control. My husband left me. I want him but he didn't want me. He never wanted me. His mom won and i lost. I asked him why he was doing this and all he told me was that it was the best for us and that hes sorry. He did this after his Umrah. I was shocked. How can someone do this after performing Umrah? And during the month of Ramadan?? Astagfirullah.

During all this I lost my car in an accident, I lost my 11 year old cat, I lost my aunt to cancer, and then eventually I lost my husband. Eventually I set up a date with him to come over to pick up my belongings. We did. However when we got there his entire gang of guys were there, his aunt and his cousins were there and of course his parents were there. I went inside with my sister, brother and his friend to help me get all my things. However, everyone there just stood and watched. This was the most humiliating experience of my life. His mom even came over to hit me but his friends stopped her. She constantly tried to bad mouth me to show everyone. I'm still trying to figure out what i did wrong. But Alhumdulillah, I'm out of that place now.

I have a job in my field, I'm working 7 days a week to keep myself busy. Im always however thinking about this. I can't get over this. I never thought about divorce. There's so much more to this but this has become very long. If you are still reading this then I very much appreciate this. Please give me some advice anything will help. I cant get over this. Its mentally exhausting me and now its starting to take over my every day life. Im keeping busy but I'm tired. I need to be happy but I dont now how to do so.

JazakAllah for reading my story. May Allah bless you with all the happiness, health, and prosperity in the world and after InshAllah Ameen.

Zm786

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7 Responses »

  1. Sister, have compassion for yourself. Like most youngsters you too focused on studying and making something out of your life so seriously that you forgot to live your life and you hoped that you would be able to do so once you got married. Most of us are brought up with these very values and some of us in order to be the best children take it all too serious.
    From what you write it seems that post marriage, you worked so hard to have everything perfect that you exhausted yourself and then felt trapped and frustrated. It also seems that you were expected to meet quite stringent standards. No wonder you wanted to go to your parents’ home to relax.
    What is shocking is your husband giving up his right of fatherhood. This is simply shocking. What made him do that? Why would a normal man/woman want to give up this ability at such a young age for no reason? Probably there is more to it than just a dysfunctional family. There were probably deep-rooted issues even before you became a part of the family.
    Anybody would feel as angry as you to be told that they can’t have children because of the one-sided decision of one spouse.
    Whatever had to happen has happened. You would have felt trapped and cheated, even if you had stayed on in a childless marriage.
    We all have to move on from pain and suffering to be able to live our remaining life. I would suggest you do not force yourself to enjoy. Just relax. Do not dwell on the past. You cannot change it.
    You cannot make fast friends in a jiffy. Have small lunches with your colleagues. Go out with your siblings. Help around the house. Take up a new hobby. Read Islamic literature if you like it.
    No pain goes away suddenly. But, it will fade away. Keep praying. You have been thankful for small things throughout your post. Exactly these are the things that make us happy. Crazy school & university memories. The sunshine. A new day. A new dish you cook. A hobby you always wanted to take up. Talking to your siblings. A project you completed at work successfully. Volunteer for social service.
    I don’t know how long it has been, but talking things out with somebody trustworthy also helps. Tell about how you felt. Do not judge and say i was right here and wrong there. Just say what you feel. And get it out of your system. Or write it out. There will be repetition of your thoughts again and again. But do not read what you write; again. Let go.
    Do not focus on the past. You cannot undo a single second.
    Life does not remain the same always. You will have your share of happiness if you believe in it and ask Allah SWT for happiness and peace.
    I pray for your happiness, peace and success. May Allah SWT grant you so much out of His infinite blessings that you never feel wanting for anythIng more in this world and the hereafter.

  2. Dear friend:

    "Do not judge and say I was right here and wrong there. Just say what you feel."

    This is very comforting. I think I will use it too 🙂

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. Sorry to hear about your issues. I think your ex-mother in law is too attached to your ex-husband. I think your ex did the right thing by getting a divorce. He didn't have a job, it was just all you four together and the mother-in-law didn't want to give up her son.

    It's like your mother in law just wanted some help around the house. She wanted everything else to stay the same and was willing to tolerate you taking some time with her son away from her. It seems like your ex wasn't ready for marriage and he's still studying.

    I think you should change from being passive agressive too. You can't say yes you'll support other people coming and then be upset later. If you get in a situation where your inlaws are inviting extra people let them know that they will be cooking for them as well as you don't have the bandwidth to take that on.

  4. Old saying, I'd rather be happily single than unhappily married. Saying that, divorce is not end of life especially when you are young. I would say, take charge of your life and stop blaming others for unfortunate things you experience.
    Get out and involve within community around you. If looking to mingle with more Muslims, metro areas in Canada are full of mosques and most are receptive of women and have many community activities going on. Engage yourself, in some sort of activity which you enjoy.
    And, for next relationship try to find a man not a boy. A man who should be able float financially. What were ya thinking when you marry a student who was living on his mama's income? His mom's behavior does not surprise me much as she was the bread winner of the home and all other including you were lounging.

  5. Let this be a valuable lesson to all men, one I wish I had learnt before I got married. Give your wife her own place. Even a small flat in not the best condition is better than living with the in laws. I am a man and I'm saying this.

    I know it's extremely difficult in the west now with soaring house prices and ridiculous rents. But if you can someone, however difficult it is for you, live in your own place away from both your family and his family. I'm not saying don't visit them, visit them regularly, perhaps even 2/3 times a week or more if you can. But live alone and away from them.

    If you do this your marriage will have one less major obstacle to overcome (the wife vs mother conflict).

    Here is an example of a young lady and what appears to be a good man who had a promising and loving marriage ruined by the selfish and ridiculous traditions.

    My advice to the young lady suffering is show sabr, there is nothing, absolutely no advice that anyone can give you that will help. The only thing that will help is patience and time. Time is the greatest healer.

    Hopefully once you do heal these wounds maybe in 2 years or 3, you'll be much healthier and in a position to know whether to re-marry, even have a family or not.

    May Allah help you through this time.

  6. As Salam Alaikum,

    Like they said, when you get married, you marry the whole family, in this case and lot of other cases which is what happen. From your ex husband perspective, all he wanted was marriage and leave you for his parents while he live his own life. And i think what you been longing was friends, and as a good wife, you wanted to be friends with your ex husband friends and enjoy life with him. And I think women/girls should be like you. Because lot of girls now days, do all kind of crazy things, drug, smoke, drink, clubbing, etc and despite you were born here, you stayed away from all that. So, I salute you. And as for your ex husband he married you for his parents, which is not wrong or right but kind of selfish. Instead, he should have paid little more attention to you.

    Anyway, to make you little feel better, my marriage was over in 3 months, I wish my ex wife was more like you and would have paid more attention to me. Also, my marriage was over even though we both did Umrah together.

    And I been thinking over and over how everything could have save our marriage and it is mentally exhausting. It has been 5-6 months for me and even though I am guy I can not stop thinking and she has moved on completely. You can be your best friend and worst enemy, so all you can do is be ur best friend. Think positive, watch funny shows (no sad songs, soap opera). Listen to Quran and ask Allah (swt) to send mercy upon you.

    Now, if you still love him and if there was only one divorce took place then you can go back. If you need more info about one talak(divorce) let me know.

    Allah hafiz..

  7. Asalaam OAlaikum,

    To everyone who read and commented, JazakAllah Khair for taking the time to read everything I wrote and for all your suggestions and duas.

    I am very grateful, Alhumdullilah. SubhanAllah it has almost been a year now since this has happened. I received my mahr and since then I have had no contact from their end nor have I contacted them.

    The government still thinks we are married so no official divorce has taken place but Islamically we are divorced... Alhumdullilah. I'm waiting on the documentation to arrive once they decide to send them.

    I learned a lot from this experience and Alhumdullilah I am much better now. I consider myself very lucky to not be bound with a child from this marriage or to be in a childless marriage with this man.

    May Allah give me sabr and good health for me to continue living a happy and healthy life, ameen.
    May Allah also guide this family towards the good and away from the evil as they are severely misguided and confused in regards to the path in Islam, and prevent them from harming any people in the future like they harmed me and my family. May Allah forgive them and have mercy on them. I pray he realizes his mistakes before its too late.

    May Allah reward you all for reading and commenting, I cannot express my gratitude enough. I was in a very horrible state but Allah granted me sabr and I have managed to pick up the pieces and I am working on putting them back in place. I am getting more involved in the community by helping people and make a positive change. I am trying my best to channel my pain into focusing on the people that need help rather than focusing on what I have lost.

    Please make dua for me to be granted with a pious and respecting Muslim husband, if that is not written for me, then please make dua for me for my health and to help me take care of my parents with a stable job InshAllah.

    Alhumdullilah for everything.

    JazakAllah Khair once again.

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