Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Mother-in-law has no respect for boundaries!

My in-laws are causing trouble in my marriage.


I have been married for almost two years now, and things have not been easy to say the least. My mother in law is a very unreasonable human being. In fact, I have never met anyone like her: she has no respect for me or my husband, who she treats like utter garbage.

For example, one sister in Islam gave me and her (my mother in law) some zam zam water, my MIL phoned her son ( my husband), and demanded he go to this sisters house, to get more. When he said to her that he couldn't, because of course that would be rude, she told him he was stupid and then told him to "F*** off." Another time, we went round to my mother in laws house as she had told us to, she did not articulate a time we should come, and was displeased that we had come in the early afternoon. In response to this, she came out of the house screaming and shouting in the street and then started shouting at me, telling me all the bad things her son (my husband) had done in his life, and then decided to call the police on my husband (she must have claimed he was being violent or something to get them to attend).

Almost every time I have been round to her house she has made nasty comments towards me, or has a go at my husband. For example, I have encouraged my husband to wear a beard...I prefer him like that and of course it is something he should do Islamically. But his mother told me I was trying to make him look ugly! Also, she has a key to the flat I share with my husband. One day I came home from work, my husband was not in, and I found his mother in the fridge, and his sister sitting on the sofa. Then his mother decided to go to the toilet without even shutting the door, so I walked past and saw her pulling her drawers back up...I was horrified. Another time, she came in the flat while me and my husband where sleeping, we didn't even know she was in the flat, we only found out as she left something there. Once, I came out of the bathroom and my mother in law was in the kitchen casually chatting to my husband. The first time I  ever went to her house, she told me ( before i was married) that I should become a teacher and basically any kids I had I should give them to her to look after.

She has also attacked my physique a million times over, telling me that I don't eat, just because I happen to be slim. When my husband told her that I do eat, she shouted at him telling him that if I did eat, my belly would be big. Another time she told me that I should let her son, my husband, look at other women and should not have a problem with it...rather, I should only have a problem if he asks for their numbers. Once I bought her some pastries, and she threw them across the table, because she was annoyed that my husband wanted to leave to go to the gym. Then when we were trying to leave I tried to embrace her and she pushed me away. Another time we visited when she was unwell, so I bought her flowers and honey and chocolates, but when I walked into the room, she just gave me a dirty look, then she started attacking my husband saying "Since you got married you don't come to see me anymore." At this point, we had been married 3 weeks and seen her nearly a dozen times! Then she started telling my husband that we needed to share out the bills, that I should pay half and he should pay half. Another time, she was trying to call a number on the phone and she could'nt so I offered to help her, the number didn't work and she shouted at me so loud I jumped. Then, when my daughter was born, she took over the aqiqah, and without telling me, gave it to her friend for a funeral, and claimed it was in my daughter's name. I was so so angry.

I became pregnant quite quickly in our marriage and now my little girl is 5 months old. I went back to my parents home to give birth, which is quite far away from where I live with my husband. My husband comes to see his daughter every few weeks, there is an expectation that I will return home shortly, but I do not want to. His mother is complaining that she hasn't met my daughter, but I know if she did she would try and take over, she saw me as a womb really. When I was pregnant, she told me to have another child, and when I said to her that "I don't think so," she shoulted 'YES' at me. I do not want to be around her, and I don't want my child to be around such a hostile person. My husband tells me Allah will punish me for keeping my child away from his mother, but honestly, I never want to be around her again.

She is a truly horrible woman, her only concern about me when I was pregnant was that I had a job...She wanted me out of the way, and for me to get back to work so she could get her hands on my child. She speaks of the child as if it belongs to her, and is very emotional manipulative. I was very sick after I gave birth, I nearly died and stayed in hospital for a week with sepsis. My husband stayed with me, but my mother in law phoned my husband crying that he was not at home with her instead.

She lied to me in the mosque about her son's age before I married him, and I found out recently that she has been gossiping about me. Basically, I could write a book of all the nasty things she has done and said, these examples are only a few. My husband's family are very, very hostile people. 

My husband seems to be under some sort of spell by her, and has not been a very good husband to me. He has never stuck up for me in regards to his mother. One day he will say: "Can you not just put up with it?" The next day he says: "I have spoken to my mother and its dealt with,", and the next day he says "My mother hasn't done anything to you. He even recently told me he got married to give his mother a grandchild because that is what she wants. He has terrible anger problems...for me it seems he has learnt them from his mother, because he often behaves in the same manner. He also has learning difficulties, which I suspect have come from his childhood. I came to learn that arguments between my husband and his mother have often (in the past) caused the police to intervene. His sister also has at times been pretty rude to me, sending me rude messages as to why I am not picking up the phone when she is calling me (I didn't hear the phone ring) and other messages, like she "has seen I have been on my phone, so why haven't I responded to her." It seems to me like she feels I owe her to be at my phone when she contacts me.

I genuinely cannot tolerate these people anymore.

Any advice would be appreciated.


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1 Responses »

  1. Walaikum Salaam
    Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem
    You have rights as a wife that must be fulfilled. You have the right to have your own place with your child and husband. Islamicly you do not have to live with your in-laws. You family has rights to the baby as well not just his family. Your obligation is to your husband and baby not his family. All his family needs is your respect and kindness not controlling you or you family you are building with your husband. Your husband must set boundaries with his family. Your mother in-law role is only grandmother she does not have right to rule your family. Ask Allah guidance to change your situation and to protect you from this fitna in your home. There are du'as you can recite for protection, help and guidance. May Allah protect you and your baby, strengthen your husband to do right, and to place peace between you and your in-laws and love for the sake of Allah beween you and bless you with high station in Jannah. Ameen

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