Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry my Pakistani Muslim boyfriend?

Dear All,

I would be grateful for help and advice as I am really confused. I am a Christian from India and have been with my Pakistani Muslim boyfriend since 2 years now. We are both very committed and I have no doubt he is the man I want to spend my life with and he feels the same about me. He is fine with my being Christian, however, his mother is not very happy about this. We have talked about the future and he has said when we have kids, they would have to be brought up as Muslim. At first I wasn't convinced by this because I am pretty strong in my faith, and always hoped my kids would have some sort of Christian influence in their lives. However, over time, I have come to accept and agree that our kids would be brought up as Muslims. I am happy enough that I can continue to practice my faith without any issues.

However, my only problem is this. He lives in a big extended family, mother, siblings and their families. I have grown up in a quiet nuclear family and even though I knew of his living arrangements from before, I always presumed when we got married, we would have a place of our own one day. And it seems he presumed that I knew I would have to adjust in his big family household and that was just a given. Silly on both our parts that this didn't get discussed before. Upon talking to him however, he has made it very clear he would never leave his family and we would have to always live together with them. Now I have never had an issue living with his mother, I would be more than happy to and would never ask him to leave his mother, especially with him being the eldest sibling. But I cannot see myself adjusting with such a big family for the rest of my life, the very thought intimidates me and doesn't appeal to me.

Is it really wrong to want to have our own place, with our own family? Is this a small price to pay to spend my life with the man I love? He thinks I am making a big deal for nothing, but I am very aware that this decision is for life. No going back. I am very confused, can anyone who lives in a Muslim extended family help with this please? Would it be difficult to adjust, what would you suggest? Thank you.

confused03

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3 Responses »

  1. Dear Confused03,

    If you say that "We are both very committed and I have no doubt he is the man I want to spend my life with and he feels the same about me." then why are you so confused if you have not doubt that you want to spend your life with him.

    Anyway, I certainly do not suggest that you marry him, reason being that your children will be brought up with confused religious values, and that's if you are not willing to revert to Islam.

    Our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has advised us with lots of wisdom, and that is to marry from within your communities. And the wisdom behind that is to avoid unneccessary conflict and fights for petty things. You both come from different backgrounds and cultures and these differences may seem small to young lovers but as the years go by, trust me they turn into major issues.

    Another alarm bell is that his mother is not happy about the two of you, so if I were you, I wouldn't even marry him because he doesn't actually have his mother's blessings to marry you...which is a very important aspect for any marriage to be successful.

    So unless you are willing to revert to Islam and accept the way his lifestyle is, then I suggest you continue to marry him, otherwise I'm afraid it will be disastrous.

    Just my point of view. All the best.

  2. Dear confused

    You are perfectly within your rights to ask for a separate place to live. Islam requires a Muslim husband to provide this for his wife.

    Be very wary in proceeding further with him. If he is disregarding your wishes and dismissing your concerns as "making a big deal out of nothing" at this early stage then it doesn't bode well for your marriage.

    This man will always put his family first and say things like 'you knew what you were getting into by marrying me' or 'if you love me you have to accept my family '.

    He is unlikely to take your wishes into consideration once you're married if he isn't doing so now.

    It is very difficult to live within these extended families which is why wives are not required to do so in islam. I have lived with extended family and found it difficult and would never repeat it and advise people against it. You will be expected to conform to traditional asian customs, please his family, and i guarantee you will find you hardly spend any time with your husband.

    Also, his mother isn't happy with him marrying you so she will most likely resent you. Nothing you do will be good enough.

    Make it clear you are not prepared to live with his family. Don't compromise on this issue. If you do, you will be always be compromising unfairly for the duration of your marriage.

    I know you love him but pls don't let that cloud your judgement. Take a hard look at what kind of person he is. He is denying you your right to separate dwellings and thinks it's no big deal.

    I advise caution. I wish you well. Pls do keep us posted.

  3. At the end of the day
    It's your life and you have the choice to live it.

    But keep in mind there will be challanges along the way.

    First of all your bf already "persuaded " you to have your future kids following Islam
    And you two are not married yet

    Yes before marriage men always say to their ladies,"Relegion is just a state of thought....it's no big deal..."

    Then 3 months into the marriage they make you believe what they believe

    Before marriage, men tell you what you want to here

    I went through the same thing
    Except my ex husband was a sunni muslim and I was a shia muslim

    Perhaps he may seem to be very supportive of you now

    But after marriage will tell you everything you need to know

    Men almost always put their families before their wives

    It's an old saying,
    "Bros before hoes".

    And sadly there is truth in that

    He has more to lose if he rebels against is family for your favor

    He can lose his share of inheritance or any other forms of money or property
    If he goes in your favour.

    It's very common in Pakistan to
    Happen

    Even when both people are of the same relegion

    I have given you the warning
    The rest is up to you

    Good luck
    Salamalekum

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