Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want my grandson raised as a Muslim.

interfaith, torn, children, marriage problem, lonely

Assalaamualaykum,

This is a very long question because it carries a strong history, please read all. I am Caucasian and my husband is Pakistani. We have 2 sons, one adult and one a child, and a daughter young girl.

My older son's marriage is a disaster, especially for his son, because his wife is Mexican holding a green card and Protestant and he is an American citizen and Muslim. He married her through her religion to make her and her family happy and then married through Islam.

Now she is against raising their son Muslim, states he will make his own decision when he is 18 years old. She only want her son to learn Spanish and later learn English at school, not concerning that grandparent speaks Urdu and English and that our daughter and other son speak only English. Her family speaks Spanish, don't understand English - only a few understand a little English.

She doesn't want to bring the baby home because she doesn't want her son to learn English nor the religion or culture. She eats haram food such as McDonald and Burger King and drinks a lots of coffee then breast feed the baby. She don't even produce milk and forces the baby to drink but is difficult for him and he seems always hungry every 20 minutes it looks like if he is starving.When she come home, she breast feeds the baby where my husband and my other son can see her. Now she lock herself in the room always breast feeding the baby and always want the baby sleeping. Baby is 2 month old and I believe he need interaction to start learning.

We never get one on one time with the baby. Her attitude is getting worse since she got her green card. This is becoming very annoying to us. she doesn't even know how to cook for my son or herself -- they eat only outside or my son has to do the cooking.

She loves to be surrounded by her family and friends who drink alcohol, has a bar full of hard liquor, and eat pork. She dresses inappropriate with shorts, cleavage exposed, blouse hanging open showing her shoulder. Now want a tummy tucker so she can go use bikini thang bikini.

Now my son has a tumor in his head and she stresses him out with her mood swings. How can this be fixed if my son is not strong enough? He asks her to understand our culture and religion and she answers with "you met me this way and I will stay this way."

Is Shaytan in her? I prayed for Allah to take all evil out of my house and very shortly she left and has not returned home. My son is home waiting to have his tumor removed from his head--it's a major surgery--and we pray for his life which is at risk and we pray to Allah that is not cancer, may Allah give him full recovery and, shifa, Ameen. She just want him in surgery, not knowing or caring about the consequences. She hates when he ask me for advice.

We are trying to make her comfortable but she brings a very bad vibe into my house and every where she is. I am going to lose my temper but I am holding back because of my son...I don't want to stress him more then he is.

What advice can you give me? Can you pray for my son's life and full recovery? For him to have long life so he can bring the baby into Islam, and Inshallah maybe make her understand?

Sister

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7 Responses »

  1. Aslamu alaikum sister, (apology for any grammatical errors or confusing bits as I kind rushed this.)

    As your brother and I'm gonna be honest with you. From what I have read, it doesn't sound like your heart is in the right place. The points you brought up about her are unfair and not strong enough to say she is in the wrong.

    You said she loves to be around people who do haram things, well we have to take into account at first that this person is not a Muslim so doesn't have a Muslim mindset like us. And of course its her family. I don't know which person in the world wouldn't want to hang out with their family. Just like how you're looking out for your family she doing the same. The fact you think it's bad for her but not for you is straight up toxic narrow mentality.

    Also another point I want to bring up is the fact you brought up her citizenship status which really has no relation. If you're implying she is using you guys for green card then why would she still be around. Are you aware that Mexican people value family.

    And you see this woman got problem with breast feeding her child. Instead of taking a back seat and judging her for trying like she some stranger. Why don't you go and speak to her and offer her support maybe it has psychologically affected her.

    And I can carry on bringing up your fault. My point is all you have done is try easy fix such as blaming her and label her as a bad parent. You haven't made effort to connect with her and get to know her properly.

    Next time try welcoming her to your house. Invite her and her family over for dinner. Give her a present make her feel at home. Have a passionate conversation about the things she loves and you love. And not force anything down her throat. This is the correct way to do dawah and this is the best way to win someeone over. And it's simply by respecting them and going beyond and never losing your temper and this how you make people like you. By the way you can't half heart smile because people will sense it. Anything bad energy you have on her, let it go and treat her with scenerity

  2. OP: Now my son has a tumor in his head and she stresses him out with her mood swings. How can this be fixed if my son is not strong enough? He asks her to understand our culture and religion and she answers with "you met me this way and I will stay this way."........Is Shaytan in her? I prayed for Allah to take all evil out of my house and very shortly she left and has not returned home. My son is home waiting to have his tumor removed from his head--it's a major surgery--and we pray for his life which is at risk and we pray to Allah that is not cancer, may Allah give him full recovery and, shifa, Ameen. She just want him in surgery, not knowing or caring about the consequences. She hates when he ask me for advice....... I prayed for Allah to take all evil out of my house and very shortly she left and has not returned home.

    Your attitude towards your daughter in law is not going to be helpful. Your son chose to marry her. Focus on helping your son with his medical problem. Forget about your daughter in law till your son gets well. Keep praying for what you want but let your adult son and daughter in law solve their problems

  3. “ He married her through her religion to make her and her family happy and then married through Islam.”

    Your son chose her the way she was and is. You may not like it but your son accepted her religion and lifestyle. If he was Islamic minded then he would have not gone for a Mexican girl. Don’t make her/ force to be Muslim. Saying the declaration is not enough. I have seen many Latin woman do the so called converting to Islam just to marry the guy.

  4. You have asked if the shaytan is in your daughter in law,

    to be frank it seems the shaytan is in you,

    you sound like a mother in law from hell ......

    Firstly, this woman did not force your son into marriage he saw something in her he liked enough to want to marry her of his own accord. so please do not make your son out to be an innocent victim here.

    if this lady, your daughter in law wants to teach her baby Spanish, its none of your business

    If this lady has trouble producing breast milk, shame on you for being so cruel and judgemental authubillah
    You say you have children, but you don't know that newborns sleep most of the time? you judge this woman because she says the baby wants to sleep all the time....erm that is what newborns do...

    If this MEXICAN lady doesn't teach her baby urdu, that is her choice and none of your business

    if this lady doesn't want to leave her 2 month old baby alone in your care, (why would she when you hate her) that is her choice, maybe she thinks your not suitable to be alone with her child, how do you behave around her? one can only imagine

    if this lady doesn't know how to cook, its none of your business

    the best thing you can do is fear Allah swt

    your son chose to marry a non Muslim and there are consequences that come with that, but those are for him to deal with and manage NOT YOU.

    maybe she doesn't want to come home because she doesn't want to be around you?

    Just a thought.....

    Keep behaving the way you are, and she will take that baby far away and you will only have yourself to blame, you say she doesn't want to learn the culture,
    she isn't obliged to learn culture

    stop trying to control your daughter in law, that isn't your right, be nice to her, supportive etc and you never know she might actually want to be around you.

    • "Firstly, this woman did not force your son into marriage he saw something in her he liked enough to want to marry her of his own accord. so please do not make your son out to be an innocent victim here" - What's wrong with marrying someone you like? You're making out as if he's done something wrong....

  5. Assalaamualaykum to everyone on this thread. Really terrific advice Mashallah. May Allah bless you all.

  6. He married someone who was not a practising Muslim, drinks alcohol, walks around half naked with no shame, I'd say he did 'something wrong'

    he did not think of his religion, nor did he think about the sake of any children who would be born to such a mother,

    But alas your right, marry a stripper, as long as you 'like' them everything is good....

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