Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family guilting and beating me for fighting for my rights.

domestic violence mental abuse abusive

Salam everyone!

I wrote a post over a month ago regarding a really bad situation that I was placed in by my family. If you are interested in knowing more about how I ended up here today, I will link it:

Family shuts me in a small room, I’m highly suicidal

The latest update from that is that now I'm back in my own state. I came back because there was a family wedding that my entire family needed to attend...if I didn't attend it, distant relatives will know something is up so my parents brought me back, once again for their own reputation and not because they felt bad for caging me. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to come back.

Upon returning home, I was an emotional mess. It was my first time seeing windows in a room that I was in. I saw the roads on my way back from the airport and it made me even more emotional because those were the roads I took everyday when I used to attend University or work. My heart was absolutely broken. My siblings all came and embraced me and I couldn't keep a straight face, I was crying so hard because I was hurt and couldn't believe that I was no longer caged in that small room. My siblings kept commenting on how much weight I lost but every time I cried, they would all remove themselves from the room.

Later, they all told me I was over reacting, that I was NOT caged, that I went with my own consent, which is ultimately true but they manipulated me into going, and kept telling me they will kill me if I go back to my state. One of my sisters told me that I am lying to myself and believing in my own lies which made me feel terrible because.. everything DID happen: I WAS caged, my school was taken from me, I was forced to quit my job and my car was taken away and I couldn't return home without being threatened left and right. I feel that I have every right to be upset over this, what happened to me was NOT okay. I am a 25 year old female who is being treated like a 5 year old, I was psychologically abused and a part of me wishes that I was beaten instead of verbally and emotionally manipulated.

Like I stated in my previous post, I found LOTS of comfort in praying, reading Quran, and doing lots of dhikr. It was the only reason why I woke up (and why I continue to wake up today). Fast forward to today, it's been two weeks since I returned to my state, I still cannot go out without supervision, my dad does NOT talk to me, my parents will NOT return my car, and I applied for Summer classes so I can finally graduate in August. I calmly discussed this matter with my mom and she went crazy. She said they have no plans in letting me return back to school until they gained their trust back for me. She told me to drop them and try again for the Fall semester which I am NOT willing to do because I already wasted one semester being caged in another state when I could've graduated on April 28 of this year.

Hasbi Allah! The anger in me sometimes feels like I could die from it and how my heart hurts. I told my mom that it was my right to go back and finish school and go back to work because I have loans on me that I need to pay back and I have to pay insurance for my car even though I haven't driven it in so long. I explained that if they did not return my car, I will have my friend take me to school and that if someone tried to physically hurt me at this point I WILL be calling the cops because I've been quiet for too long. She still won't budge, she said she will not even attempt to tell my dad this, and like I mentioned above my dad does not talk to me and has not in over 5 months so if I even try to talk to him I risk getting myself beat by him.

My sisters and mother are all telling me that Allah will burn me in hell for disrespecting my mom and dad, and that my moms negative supplications against me will get answered by Allah, if not now then some time down the line when I have kids. Allah's wrath will be put on me. I don't understand why, I try to do everything for my mom now. I cook, I clean, I help her when she asks and I never yell at her. All I'm asking is to go back to finish my education and work, I have just one semester left to graduate.

I tried to even tell my mom I won't bring up the idea of getting married to the person I wanted anymore (he is no longer in the picture even if I wanted to marry him still) and that I genuinely want to build a life for myself for security and that I'm going crazy in my head because I've done nothing but stare at a blank wall for months. She still won't budge. I brought it up to her again today and she said that all this is going to give me such a bad life. That every time a trial or a loss or something bad comes in my way to always remember it's because I hurt them and that her duas are being answered. I told her God isn't irrational, he knows my intentions and he knows that you've wronged me and transgressed my soul. She said that it's no such thing because she's a mother and God will side with them than he would with me.

I'm left confused and guilty. My semester begins in a little over a week, I can't get my own car back and if I try, it'll be a fight which may end up in me being hurt and me having to call for help. I NEVER wanted to put my family through this, my intentions from the start was to get married cause I wanted to guard my modesty and I want to build a dignified life for myself but they wouldn't let me. I guess my question is, am I being gaslighted? Or are they right? Should I just give in and live the miserable life they want for the sake of our religion or do I have the right to fight for this? Will Allah be mad at me and will he accept my mom's negative duas even though I was the one abused?

This all started because I asked to marry someone outside our race, which they hated because they care for their reputation so much. Some days, like last night, I had to talk myself out of suicide...it's so weird to have so much trust and hope in Allah but then at the same time just don't have the willpower to even go on anymore. My heart at this point is left in pain. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be okay after this. When I pray, I ask Allah to forgive them and I mean it, but when I am sitting alone in my room and the thoughts of what happened come in to mind I get so depressed and angry that I don't even want to forgive them because the pain is too much and the thoughts are too loud. My intentions from the very beginning and until now is NOT to hurt them or cut ties with them. I just want to finish my education, work and go about my life for crying out loud!

I've been sitting in my own thoughts for months now. I need a schedule before I actually go crazy and lose it. I struggle with guilt, I'm confused with Islam demanding we respect our parents but does that also mean we must give up everything for the sake of their reputation and unreasonable wants? My soul feels violated and I fear the day that I explode on them if this goes on any longer. I love my religion, I love God and I want to do right, but I can only do right if I choose either myself or my family. I want to go back to school, get a job, get married one day BUT at the same time also place boundaries that my parents cannot cross, is that okay to do? My intentions once again are pure in every aspect.

I'm running out of time and need help as soon as possible. All comments are appreciated as always. It would also mean a lot to me if I can have the editors of this site: Amy and Wael, give me their two cents in this. I am desperate, I need guidance and reassurance.

 

Thank you all!

 

**** UPDATE: I WENT TO CLASS WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT AFTER MANY WARNINGS AND BEGGING, WHEN I GOT HOME MY DAD BEAT ME PHYSICALLY AND WAS TRYING TO KILL ME BUT THEY STOPPED HIM. WHEN I TRIED TO TELL HIM NOT TO TOUCH ME VERY CALMLY AND RESPECTFULLY, MY SISTERS ALL TURNED TO ME AND SAID ITS OKAY HE'S MY DAD AND CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS. I TOLD MY SISTERS I SHOULD'VE CALLED THE COPS, THEY TOLD ME THEY SHOULD'VE LET HIM KILL ME AND IF NOT THEN THEY RECOMENDED I KILL MYSELF

 

Sarah

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4 Responses »

  1. As-salamu alaykum sister. I strongly recommend that you get out of that environment. Go stay with a friend that your family does not know, if you have one. Or go to a women''s shelter and stay there until you get a job and can support yourself. I feel that your life and your sanity are in danger if you remain. You need to get out.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Dear,

    I read your post and even thou you want to stay and do the right thing but your circumstances are not allowing you to do so. I dont know what are you waiting for to hear from anyone.

    If you are on the right path and want to help yourself then take a stand and do something.

    Allah help those who help themselves.

    If you are doing nothing that is against Islam then you have nothing to worry about,

  3. Salam Sister,
    Please follow brother Wael’s advice. Please get out of this unsafe and toxic situation.
    Your family doesn’t sound sensible and reliable and they are more into culture rather than Islam.
    Please move out and help yourself as no one else would come forward to help you.
    Allah will help only if you do something to help yourself!
    Stay safe and please don’t give up.

  4. Assalaamualaykum Sister Sarah,

    It is nice to hear from you again, although I do hope it was in better circumstances. It seems that you have followed your heart and it is just not working. I'm so sorry.

    I agree with Brother Wael that it may be time for you to seek out another place to live. I know that that itself might be difficult, as I'm guessing your parents would seek you out, follow you, and find you. But you will have to have the strength to call the authorities should this happen.

    Do you have any longtime friends who you trust and with whom you could stay for a lengthy period of time and build your life from there?

    If not, you can stay at a woman's shelter, but if you do, make sure you are very prepared and proactive while residing there. Talk daily with the case workers and counselors at the shelter and make sure they are actively looking for a place for you to stay more permanently. The time spent in a shelter is fleeting, and before you know it, you could be out in the streets. So just make sure you pack a couple of bags, take a notebook and your phone, because there will be a lot of information you will need to write down and organize. Try to find a shelter with a 6-month stay if possible, but if not, go with a 3-month stay. When you research a place, make sure it is a domestic violence shelter rather than just a homeless shelter, as those serve as a "safe house" for victims (they will not let your abusers in) and specialize in all forms of abuse from psychological to physical to sexual.

    You are to live one day at a time from now on, sweetheart. And the journey to that kind of life is chosen for only a select few. According to Hadith, you wlll live like the sparrows..."They go out in the morning with their stomach's empty and return at night with their belly's full." Allah knows you can handle not knowing the future. And taking care of your basic survival needs from day to day rather than worrying about long-term security (which is only with Allah, as you may have figured out).

    You will be ok. I have faith in you! But I do agree with MANIS in that you will have to take the next step on your own to receive Allah's bounty on the other side.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

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