Islamic marriage advice and family advice

**I stopped practicing Islam and I plan suicide if things don’t improve**

Hello everyone,

I'm aware that I might get bashed for this, but I prefer it wouldn't be like that. A civil conversation would be nicer than a conversation full of attack. Hear me out, I've been a member of this site for a while now. I've had another account before a few years ago but forgot all of my log in information and then I made this particular one, back in 2015. Point is, this site truly gave me a lot of comfort at my worst times and I've gotten comments from the same people which I appreciated. Serious shout out to Wael and Amy, both editors of this site, you guys are amazing at what you do. I'm not here to talk crap about Islam OR offend anyone. Please keep an open mind, I'm here to explain where it all started. I still respect the religion and would never shove any current beliefs at anyone. To each their own, but this is my story. It'll be a long post but bear with me.

It's no excuse, but I've had it rough growing up, some of my past posts can explain a bit about recent events. I live with very unreasonable parents but I love them with all of my heart, so all of these years, despite the childhood trauma and constant verbal present abuse, I remained under their roof and I hate myself for it. I spent years perfecting myself, removing sin where ever it was in my life, continuing to better myself and check myself whenever I made a wrong move. I was a sincere believer even though I was surrounded by the most hypocrtical family on the face of this earth. I taught myself how to pray, do wudu, read arabic so I can read the Quran because my parents failed to help me with that. I was raised in an extremely strict CULTURAL household, I know I have more knowledge in the religon than my parents do, my parents make everything haram if it is against their arab culture.

I wasn't allowed to go out most of my life because as my parents like to say: "What if someone sees you and says that's "SO AND SO'S DAUGHTER" and takes pictures of you and spreads them across the internet or makes a rumor that we let you roam without us present". Their reputation means the world to them. I wasn't allowed to make friends if they weren't from our country and even when they were, my parents needed to know their ins and outs, who their parents are, what they do for a living, how their reputation is, etc. I couldn't attend the university that I wanted because it was 20 minutes away which is considered too far for my parents liking so I had to settle for one that was close to the house which did not have my preferred program and was way out of my budget so I needed to pull out loans that I pay monthly for so interest doesn't add up. When I worked my dad and mom taunted me every single day because I don't give them enough of my check, but the only reason why I couldn't give them more was because I needed to pay for monthly payments such as phone, car insurance, school payments which was A LOT, not to mention the job I had was terrible because my boss had us on 1099, never actually payed the amount of hours we worked and the only reason why I stayed was because my parents wouldn't let me change it since it was 2 minutes away from home. My dad used to do random check ups at my job to see if I'm there. They were embarassing times in front of my coworkers and boss.

I had no choice...if I wanted to continue having the ounce of freedom I had, I needed to keep working. My dad would never give me money. My dad never bought us clothes, all the clothes I had growing up was from our neighbor who only had sons, so I had to wear male clothes as a kid. My high school was girls only and it had a uniform so I never had to worry about what I'd wear daily. I got my first work-study job when I entered college and that's when I started buying my own clothes. I bought a car for myself after working and saving up for months, only for my dad to take it away when I showed interest in wanting to marry a man outside my culture, also had to quit my job and drop my classes, I couldn't graduate, I'm broke and I've been inside the house for the past 8 months of my life now. I tried to fight but it didn't work. When I do try to reason with them, they like to mention how heaven is under my mom's foot and that I am obligated to listen to them and can't even say "uff" to them let alone not listen and most of the time my mom would turn to the qibla and make heartfelt dua to Allah that he never gives me a peaceful life, that I fail in every aspect of my life. Then she likes to say one day she will die and it's cause of me, and when she does, in her will she'll have that I am not allowed to attend the funeral. Mother and father say one day I'll regret everything and karma will catch up to me and I'll look back and say it's cause I disrespected my parents.

All this time, I prayed and prayed and prayed and stayed up and prayed and made dua, and read the quran over and over again, reading both the arabic text and english translation AND tafsir so that I get the most out of it and I understood, there wasn't anything anyone can tell me that I didn't already have an idea about or understood thoroughly. I'm aware of what happens when someone stops believing, I'm aware. I read those ayats more times than I can count and I understood them and feared them. For the past 8 months since my life fell apart all together, I never missed a prayer, I ALWAYS prayed right on the dot and I actually enjoyed it. It wasn't forced. As bad as it was in my life because of what went on, I managed to wake up every day at 12-1pm with a big FAT smile on my face because it was time to pray Dhur, I enjoyed it and I found peace. After every prayer I read quran and it wasn't forced, I enjoyed it. Every day, and I mean it, every single day (besides monthly periods of course) for the last 8 months I managed to pray tahajjud and it wasn't forced I enjoyed it.

Nothing of following the religion and finding ways to better myself made me miserable, I genuinely, from the deepest part of my heart, enjoyed it because it was an escape, a promise to me in this dunya and the hereafter, because I couldn't talk back to my parents, but I knew well and clear god knew. God was aware, god is there and he sees the abuse and god was bigger than me, god was bigger than my petty problems, god was bigger than my scary parents, and god loved me. So why would I lose my cool, and get angry at my parents and report them for the abuse and the false imprisonment they put me through for 5 months in a room outside of our state where I sometimes had to pee in a vase, when god was there and one day, they'll know they messed up? One day god would avenge me? One day I'll have so much baraka in my life and god will give me all that I could ask for in this dunya and the hereafter just with a simple sincere dua and repentance? I'll have rivers that I will enjoy for eternity, dressed in green silk and gold embroidery, I'd be adorned with bracelets of silver, and god will give me a pure drink. I'll rest in peace for eternity.

Except that god wasn't there, and god was never there and god will never be here. At least not in the way that we've been taught. I think a god does exist, but not in the manner that Islam taught us he does. I think we're all an extension to god, we're here to live, make good, do good, and then die and someone else will replace us. Nothing else after for this physical body, just my soul that will return back to the universe.

I swear to you I was doing well, and I made sure to also make dua that I never be led astray from the straight path, and for fogiveness for my past, present and future intentional and unintentional sins. Then I woke up one day, right after this year's ramadan was over, and I didn't pray cause I didn't have it in me anymore. It was like a light switch, one day I was still so sincere and the next? I want nothing to do with it. I can tell you my life is just as shitty as it was before and the only differance now is that I don't pray and there is absolutely no where in my heart that feels a tiny bit bad. That burning sensation you get at the pit of your stomach when you sin? Or pray late? Or raise your voice just a tiny bit at your parents? That feeling that they say still means god loves me and that I'm good? It's just not there anymore, I can't find it.

Of course I still have those morals, I don't care if I've stopped practicing, it's no excuse to let my tounge loose over my parents even though I suffered so much. I still don't lie and still don't feel comfortable with the idea that I want to change my modest clothings. I've always had thoughts of questioning the existence of god too far or Islam in general but I always made sure to stop it the moment I thought of it too hard and redirect my thinking, but that shouldn't be a problem because everyone I know is like that and the reasoning behind this is cause shaitan tries to play with our thoughts. But I just woke up one day, I didn't question it, I just didn't pray anymore. I'm not mad at god, I'm not angry at religion. I just don't feel it. I tried to pray a few times to see, and I did pray but those feelings weren't there.

People say to be patient with parents and that trials and tribulations are a part of life and that they're a test, but how long can a person hold out before they start wondering if the god that islam talks about is even there? Even if I removed myself from my parent's lives and took my religion elsewhere, I'd be stuck with the guilty conscience that I hurt my parents and my mom will never understand that they messed up so in her eyes she will always be the victim and her precious heart will always be broken and I'll never be able to get her to feel how I feel, that I didn't leave to hurt her, I left to save myself because my suicidal thoughts were way too loud sometimes, how could I have gotten her to understand that I wanted to continue to love her with all of my heart but that was slowly withering away because I no longer can stand the sight of her or her scent that made me feel emotional sometimes because it's the same scent from when I was a child and when I would hug my mother then, it was comfort, it was MY mom, my world at the time, how could I have explained to her that I needed to get the hell out of there because every time my dad got too close to me, I would tense up and get major anxiety?

I didn't want to hate them and I especially didn't want them to test my patience so far to the point where I completely lose it on them and I'd have to be there to watch their eyes water because of my sharp tongue? I needed to leave but I couldn't get myself to, because I'd rather sit there and take it all from them, than leave and watch them be torn because of me. I'd still never disrespect them even though now I don't have a reason to, I'm not obligated to, religiously. But I do it cause it's all I've known my entire life, and did I mention that I love my mom so much but her presence in my space makes my skin crawl which I hate because, I WANT TO LOVE MY MOTHER. I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her and scream that I am so sorry that I was never the daughter she wanted me to be and that I could never be the daughter she wants me to be, but that I still love her so much and I want her to love me back even if I moved out.

Except that she will never love me back, God was never there, and that I will always feel guilty for causing hurt to the very same people that destroyed every will in me to continue to live. I'm 25 years old. Things have never be okay and I don't think that they will ever be. Not with the way my family works and not with the way my terrible and guilty conscience is. As mentioned in my title, although I feel relieved and unbothered now, a part of me feels sad because I will lose all my Muslim friends if I continue to live, every Muslim is going to look at me with disgust and I don't understand why because I still love you guys. I'll always respect you, and be there for you but you will never look at me the same. I mean no harm, my mentality just works different now.

I no longer want anything and no longer have the energy to keep going, and there is no reason to keep going. So I've made a plan, I give myself two weeks to gather the courage to move out and get myself together and see if I can fix myself or redeem myself, and if I can't gather the courage, then I'm going to remove myself and cease to exist.

Thank you all, I wish you the best.

Sarah

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15 Responses »

  1. I could not read your full comment but I strongly think that you are in need of some professional help. Leave your family if they are abusive.

    As far as turning your back on Islam is concerned, I completely get your point. I have been noticing that when many Muslims suffer physical and mental abuses, they often lose interest in Islam.

    Please note that your life is precious. If you want to give up on your religion, I get it, but please do seek professional help.

  2. If you're Muslim then suicide should never be an option. So feeling sorry for yourself and take action. Suicide is a major sin fear Allah

  3. Move out my dear. Leave your parents. Abandon them. Don't even think that you are doing something against the will of your parents. Don't even let a tiny feeling make you think that you are defying Allah. You know why Allah didn't help you? Allah was never there for you to help because Allah doesn't help those who doesn't help themselves. You must make NIYAT to take step to make your life better. Allah will never change your condition until you make a start to change your condition. Don't wait for the things to get better. Make it happen and change them by yourself. Ending your life is not an option, believe me.
    Remember, there are people out there who need your help too. So, live for them dear. Life is beautiful when you want to make it beautiful. Make yours and others life beautiful.
    Stay alive, stay determined, stay resolved.

  4. Sister, you are not the first person to go thorough this. But you should stand and do the job you want to do, but don’t stop praying to ALLAH. If your parents have a problem then let them have that problem, tell them straight up that you don’t like that job or that university. ALLAH will make it all good just don’t stop praying to ALLAH. At least you have something, just look at the people in Syria, Palestine and other Islamic countries. Read Namaaz and make as much dua as you can, this world is a testing world, it’s not the final destination.

  5. Sister it seems Allah is testing you , remember he only tests those he loves to gain a high lofty position in paradise and prove your faith to him. All your efforts are not going to be lost Allah a.w.j listens and he sees. I have had similar problems growing up , but the best thing to do is follow islam ignore what they are doing be civil to your parents and pray to Allah a.w.j - he will guide you , dont get to worried about it as that is Shaytaan playing with your thoughts, concentrate on the good not the bad that will keep you strong, think about people in Kashmir and China who are going through extreme torture and you will realise you have alot Alhamdulliah . Shaytaan loves us to treat this world as the be all and end all , but we are much more intelligent than that - this life is a test , nothing more remember that and dont let this life bring you down as the next life is what we are preparing for " eternal life in Jannah" , this is just a small time frame compared to eternal paradise xx take care Sister stay strong May Allah guide you and help you .

  6. Daughter, be brave, it is a test from Allah for you please do not fail it. Life is once, if you lose it, you lose it, no one else is losing nothing. Do not think it’s the end of the world. Make your own decisions and keep praying for your parents and family. Good girl, smile

  7. its better to leave parents than to leave islam.

  8. OP: I no longer want anything and no longer have the energy to keep going, and there is no reason to keep going. So I've made a plan, I give myself two weeks to gather the courage to move out and get myself together and see if I can fix myself or redeem myself, and if I can't gather the courage, then I'm going to remove myself and cease to exist.

    Don't let others control you emotionally. Your parents are immature and probably suffering from psychological problems,
    Don't accept what your parents tell you and react, that means deep down you think THEY ARE RIGHT. You need to take action to change, you can't just throw your energy on thoughts that are not helpful at all. Don't think about suicide or negative things and use your energy to change your situation.

  9. i was once like you, but it changed when someone said this to me, "everything that happens, happens for a reason, good or bad-that just depends upon you". What you have learnt over-time might help you in near future but if you give up on yourself now then you would have lived this long for nothing! the only person who can help you is you. leaving your home in my opinion would always be better than committing suicide.Time changes things, you have come so far and according to you nothing much improved but if in time you could find it in your heart to forgive and move-on and move out maybe, then you'll have done something for yourself. Two weeks ain't enough. i am going to say it out-loud, "DO NOT DIE WITH REGRETS AND CONFUSION IN YOUR HEART". Live it, not just repeat it! A good thing would be you sitting among people, narrating your life and giving someone hope and as far as this life is concerned, hope is a good thing. I believe that in time you'll be able to make peace with yourself but for that help yourself and hold on.

  10. Asalaamualaykum Sarah,

    It's nice to hear from you again. <3

    Sweetie, you need to be really kind to yourself to make up for the damage your parents have done in your life. And I mean super kind. Amjad is right...2 weeks is not enough. Giving yourself just 2 weeks to reverse a whole lifetime of destruction upon you? That is not being kind to yourself.

    Seven years ago, I got severely ill. I was hospitalized 12 times and I lost everything except for Allah. I was on the streets, literally. I have just now, after 7 long years, started seeing a glimmer of what my life used to be before the illness, and what got me through that time was hope and determination. And a lot of prayer.

    You too, can live--even thrive--on hope...it is a very powerful feeling. Yes, it may seem like a moving target at times, but that's ok. Just keep your eye on it and you will be fine.

    Do not put time limitations on yourself. Realize that this is a test, that you wouldn't have been given this test if you could not handle it, and that there are positives to be had along the way, even if it's super hard to see them now. When you come out on the other side of this (which I know you will), things that you formerly took for granted will appear as a pile of gold. Things that were once difficult will be easy due to your newfound strength and confidence in yourself. And small faults of yours will disappear altogether as you learn the tough lessons we all must learn along the way.

    I believe you can do this...as someone mentioned above, you've come so far already...something like this wouldn't have happened without purpose. Just have faith in yourself and see it through to the end, where there is relief and comfort waiting for you.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

  11. Sister Allah is sending you a message that preserving your religion stands above all of the teachings of Islam. If your parents are laying the foundation for you to hate or abandon islam then you should prioritize saving your iman. You have to move out and with courage face everything that comes your way after that. You have to think of a life that does not include your parents. This is the hard decision that you are unable to take and even your death by suicide is a way to teach a lesson to your parents. Let me tell you even in your death you will be blamed and not understood. I have seen that happen with girls even their death by suicide is covered up, they are blamed and remain misunderstood for eternity. All will be for naught. Take the decision move out, with courage face the challenges that come and seek your freedom with the blessings of Allah.

  12. Let me tell you the real life story of a sister.

    Sister W was always put down and disliked by her mother since birth. The mother was usually neglectful and couldnt care less about sister W. The mother would publicly humiliate and show disdain to sister W as a child and throughout her life. The mother blamed all her life's problems even the reason of her being forced to stay with sister W's father as sister W's fault. Sister W was always made to feel ugly because she was dark by her relatives and her mother supported this view by staying silent. To make sister W feel worse the younger lighter toned sister was always called pretty cute etc. Sister W got blamed when she got her period at 10 yrs old and admonished by her mother. The mother didn't want to feel old because of a grown up daughter. This went on for most of the childhood, sister W couldnt get a long with her mother, she was a loving and devoted child. Sister W grew up and she was forced to move back home under the guise of marriage. She was forced into marriage and just after nikkah she ended up divorced. Sister W got divorced without stepping a foot out of her parent's home. This was all her mother's decision, later Sister W got blamed for her own divorce. She always advised her mother against the proposal because the family was extremely controlling and abusive. The mother isolated sister W in a different country without her sister and brothers. The mother called her own sister( sister W's aunt) with all her children( sister W's cousins) to stay in the house with sister W and her mother. There the sister W's aunt inflicted extreme mental torture and verbal attacks on sister W. This went on for 5 or 6 years. After the divorce sister W got even more taunts and mockery by the whole family of the mother. This went on for 10 years. Sister W in this time suffered from depression and anxiety extreme fear. She couldnt say one word to any of her mother's relatives. The mother made the brothers of sister W against her by blaming her for everything. Sister W was blamed by her own brothers, father and all acquaintances. In this time she got out of the favorable age to get married. Sister W had no friends only one sister who would just listen and offer little assistance. Sister W's aunt had been on a mission to malign sister W and her character assassination infront of all living relatives. The aunt would torment sister W by inciting the relatives to taunt and humiliate sister W using her marriage as an excuse. She would not stop, her mission continues till today. Sister W's aunt was instrumental in sister W's divorce she highly encouraged the bad proposal that sister W was against. Sister W still respected and entertained her aunt. After so many years at her sister W's house the aunt became financially wealthy and could afford her own house so after years of torment the aunt moved to her own house but she didn't stop poisoning sister W's mother and finding ways to torment sister W. But the problems didnt stop. Sister W is out of favorable age to get marriage, all of sister W's prospects seem bleak she is at the point of nervous break down. Sister W relies upon Allah and waits for relief and acceptance of dua from Allah.

    This real life story is just a short summary. The reason for me detailing Sister W's is to give you an idea of he hardships others are facing. May Allah open your heart.

  13. OP: I no longer want anything and no longer have the energy to keep going, and there is no reason to keep going. So I've made a plan, I give myself two weeks to gather the courage to move out and get myself together and see if I can fix myself or redeem myself, and if I can't gather the courage, then I'm going to remove myself and cease to exist.

    Looks like your own mind is not guiding you the right way. It is your mind telling you to "remove yourself and cease to exist". Deep down you are very powerful. Telling your self negative things about yourself has made you feel a weaker. Start telling yourself positive things about yourself when you get a negative thought. Will need some practice but that will help you regan your energy and move forward.

  14. from a friend:

    You need to regain your trust in Allah. Islam is about you and God not your parents not anyone else. Your parents have done a lot of harm, may Allah forgive them. Forgive them and let God decide what is best for them. You and me are all sinners and blaming others for the problems in our lives does not do any good to us. Holding a grudge and living is tough. Let go of all the bad thoughts and evil that has happened and move on. And the only way you can move on is by holding on to the rope of Allah. Please recite the following duas daily

    Hasbuna-Allahu Wa ni’mal Wakeel

    La illaha illa anta subhaanaka inni kuntu minz zalimin

    Allahumma inne A’oozu bika an ushrika bika shay-ab a’slam, wa astaghfiruka limaa la a’alam

    And last but not least make dua for your parents

    Rabban aghfir lee wa liwaalidayya wa lil-mumineena yawma yaqoom-ul hisaaab Rabb irhamhumaaa kamaa rabbayaanee sagheeraa

    May Allah guide us all.

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