Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents are trying to force me away from the girl I want

Forced marriage poster for people in the UK


I am Saif, 29 years old, from India. I am facing a crisis as of now, which I am pretty sure you must have heard a lot of times. But please just read my entire case, and then if you can, Inshallah, please help me.

I grew up in a family where my mom and dad always had terrible fights. They were certainly not a match, and everyone in our neighborhood knew that my parents were the loudest and really mean towards each other. A lot of times my mother left the house for almost a year, and never even called in that period. My father did the same a few times. The relatives- well some of them tried to genuinely resolve, whereas the others tried to break the marriage. We have had no major financial problems, Alhamdulillah, but we've always lived in an environment where everyone could hear us fighting and shouting.

I am the elder son. I have a younger brother too, and we both bore witness to all these jahalats in front of us. Although I find myself closer to my mother, I still love both of them really. Though my mother says that she has been the man in the family and that my father did nothing, I still respect both of them. I was a good student and a good human being, although Islam wasn't taught in a totally formal manner, but my mother made decent efforts to make me learn the basics. But overall we were a normal "Namaz on Juma" and Fatehabad kind of Muslims.

I have been always praised for my virtues and my manners by all, additionally no matter how bad the marriage was, my parents tried to provide for the both of us in the best of manner. But there was no peace- there wasn't a single day when I would go to play with my friends in the evening and wished that I didn't have to go back home because some kind of an insane argument must have been going on. Still, I managed to get a good education, found some Muslim brothers who shared with me the values of Namaaz, Roza and the don'ts of Shirk. I managed to make a habit of all these Alhamdulillah, but I need to bring a lot of other changes in me as well. That was the first divergence of my views with my parents who actually believe in Dargah, Fateha and all that.

Now the present matter is regarding marriage, of course. I selected a very good girl for me through a matrimonial site, which I had informed my parents that I am on. She is a good Muslimah, beautiful, without a father (he died when she was 14), comes from a good and well respected family, and really well mannered, so I believe that she could survive in the circus of our house.

My mother rejected her from the picture. When I insisted that they should meet at least once, she agreed to meet, but pointed out that she's not that tall (5 feet and I am 5'10") and she belongs to Ansari caste, which is beneath us(we're supposedly Pathan). They don't have their own big house and all (the girl and her elder brother are employed) and said that she's trying to brainwash you and trick me because she wouldn't find anyone better than me (on the contrary, she has gotten amazing offers from even better and richer families). I chose the girl because she genuinely has all the traits I look for in a partner, and Islamically is very well versed.

Meanwhile, my parents were going through a pile of proposals from all kinds of families. I don't mean to be demeaning to anyone, but they were definitely totally the opposite of a good proposal. I said no to all of them, and even they knew that the proposals they brought forward were always going to be rejected, but I know now that they were only doing that to create pressure on me.

Now they have selected a girl who they met before I did, gave a tacit 'yes' in answer, and then forcibly took me to meet her family. I was telling them that I don't want that, that I am interested in this girl, but they won't listen. They lied to me and asked me to at least come and visit that girl. When I visited, I genuinely felt that although that girl was better than the other ones they had picked before, she didn't have the traits I was looking for in my partner (you can say that I am biased and all, but I also did Istikhara and nothing positive came up).

My biggest mistake was that I went with my parents to meet them, and now they have done everything from cursing me, cursing the girl I liked, cursing that girl's family, threatening me to the point of breaking all ties with me.

I have been researching about solutions for all this, and I found that it's my right, as well as my duty, to make the right decision for myself...but my parents say that they don't care about Qur'an and Hadith. They actually blame me that I am hiding behind all this to serve my agenda.

Presently I am all alone at my place of work, nobody is talking to me. My mother, I heard, has convinced herself so much that she believes that if I don't get married to the girl they say, then she'd die. She's self-inflicting health problems on herself. Meanwhile, I am begging everyday in my prayers that Allah have mercy on my parents. I can do anything for my parents, but I know for a fact that it's in my nature that I wouldn't be able to justify the girl they chose for me as my wife, and I would ruin everyone's life.

I am feeling depressed and just want to commit suicide, but I would rather tell my parents through a letter that I married the girl of my choice, and don't ever contact me, so that they can at least live in anger rather than die in pain. Please, can someone talk to my parents? I really don't know where to go. Jazakallah Khair.


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3 Responses »

  1. Yes, I can try and ready to talk to your parents. I am also Pathan and know their psychology how to handle this kind of situation.

  2. Brother it’s hard to find decent honest righteous girls and even men these days. She is a keeper. Your parents are rejecting her materialistically. It’s not nice of your parents to look down at her family because She doesn’t have a father and doesn’t come from a rich family. Your parents mentality is of that typical desi mentality that looks down at people who aren’t their status. What makes them think they are better. Fight for the girl that’s dearest to you even if your parents threaten to disown you. They will come around, when you have kids InshaAllah.

  3. Can people kindly stop using words, the many of us don't understand, as it's in aforeign language? This is an English forum, and while I appreciate the issues people raise out of desperation or frustration, it would help, if we all spoke in English, only. Or put the translation in brackets.

    My 2 cents, life and death is in Allah's control only. Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you. I think you already have your solution in your last paragraph. Best of luck and hope you get the girl, you desire.

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