Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m South Asian he’s Arab, how can I convince my parents to accept him?

Cross cultural greetings

I am almost 18, and I have met someone I want to marry. We are only best friends right now, but we have spoken about  marriage. We don't talk like a couple but only friends, and we sometimes discuss marriage and how we will try to convince my parents.

I am South Asian living in London, and he is Arab, however, he lives in another country with one hour time difference and we met on twitter.

He is planning on visiting me in two years, just to meet up. We are planning on getting married by the age of 21-23. However, my parents are extremely cultural and backward minded, where they do not like love marriages or interracial marriages, due to the language barrier.

I really want to marry this person, but I do not know what to do? I am so scared when the time comes my parents will disown me. Please tell me what I could do so that by Allah my parents do accept it when the time comes?


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3 Responses »

  1. Al Salaamu Alaykum,

    Let's talk about the facts, not predictions.

    Fact #1: You are 18, and the marriage in question would not take place for another 3-5 years.

    Fact #2: You are not engaged.

    Fact #3: Carrying on a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex is forbidden in Islam.

    These three facts come to one common conclusion: there is no justifiable reason to be trying to sort out the details of how to make a future relationship work, at this CURRENT time.

    Here is the correct way forward:

    1. Cease the ongoing relationship you have with this boy until your parents are ready for you to talk to them about marrying anyone.

    2. Have him and his family send your father a proper proposal when your family is ready to start receiving them.

    3. Leave to Allah the details of how a possible marriage between you and he could work until it's actually in the works. Allah may surprise you. He may change your mind about that boy by the time you're that age. You can't know the future, and you certainly can't make any meaningful plans for it now, when nothing is moving in a certain direction for marriage at all.

    If you find yourself still thinking about "what will happen", know that it's pretty much nothing but speculation and fantasy. Real life is out there waiting for you every day...I suggest you start enjoying what Allah is actually giving you now, instead of pinning happiness to an uncertain dream.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Take it from me, you either get engaged to this man and/or marry him or you leave it and revisit it when you're both ready. I know you are both deeply in love and can't imagine a life without one another and you're both so sure you will never fall into the traps of the shaytan cause you want something pure, I get it. But it doesn't always work that way. Like I said, take it from me. This will truly break you into pieces if when the time comes you find that you can't convince your family OR he can't convince his because arabs don't do well with marrying outside their race (I'm arab, I know). In the meantime, you both just texting or whatever is ultimately haram, you will eventually get comfortable and might exchange a word or two that might trap you into what the shaytan wants. I am NOT tell you it's not going to work out, what you want is NOT haram. But what you do with it is going to help you a lot. I too met someone, I too spoke with him for a long time, I too had very cultural parents and he wasn't Arab. I stupidly let it go on for 5 years before I told my family and guess what? They didn't agree for non-islamic reasons but the point is? They didn't agree, they harrassed him and his family and they ran far from us. You know where I'm at today? Broken. I'm 25 and I am broken and I keep thinking just exactly why dating in Islam is haram because things like this can happen and it hurts. In the process, sins start accumilating so even at the end you feel like crap for sinning even if in your case there is no physical contact.

    My advice:

    1.) You either introduce him now and get engaged/or married
    2.) Leave it entirely and tell him if when you're both ready to get amrried you're still feeling it? Cool then.
    3.) Or leave it for good. Allah knows and what is for you will never be taken away from you.

    So pray, make lots of dua, do istighfar, focus on school, go to work, stand up for your rights but always purify your intentions and most of all? Please don't be in a relationship with him if you aren't going to get married now cause I gurantee you this will all end up being hurtful for you if not for the both of you.

    Oh and whether you decide to do it now or wait it out, fight for your rights respectfully. Tell your parents to get to know him and involve sheikhs in this, involve family members you're comfortable sharing this with. Fight with all your might and tell them if they disown you for wanting to fullfill half of your deen and guard your modesty? The wrath of Allah would be on them because cutting contact off with kin is greatly forbidden in Islam. They may or may not accept it but just make sure you exhaust every way possible so at the end even if it doesnt work and you decide to give in to what they want (even though you don't have to at taht point sincetheir reasoning is not Islamic) you will at least feel good for trying your best.Involve sheikhs and tell them you live in a time where sins are everywhere and you want to guard yourself and there's no shame in it! But if you aren't willing to do this now? Then let it go for now or for good. I repeat don't continue talking because it's going to hurt you so badly if things don't work out.

    Sorry that things have to be so hard with your family, I feel you so much right now. But please take my advice, I'm looking out for you and don't want you feeling the way I feel now. Avoid sin, fight for your rights and trust in Allah.

  3. I will just stick to your question. Language barrier or rather perceived language barriers just seem like a convenient excuse to avoid mixed marriage. Perhaps you could tell your parents that our prophet married many different women and all were far from local women. Some were slave women brought in from other countries. Some were Jewish, some were coptic Christians. Some were young others were mature. Cite to your parents the verse about Allah creating us different and celebrating out diversity rather than letting it divide us. Tell your parents that you are not obliged to follow their refusal if it is based on cultural or haram premises.

    I am slightly concerned that you only know this person from online. If he is serious about you, I would personally prefer that he approaches your parents preferably with his parents for your hand. You can have an engagement. Many do. You don't really mention anything about his parents/family. I presume you haven't spoken to them. How do you know if they are OK with this? So kindly consider this and push to meet his family. We never know about other people's intentions. So it's best to safeguard yourself. Ask to talk to them perhaps on FaceTime/videocall so you can see each other too.

    If he starts stalling, making excuses or such, then thst may be a bad sign. It's very important that you get families involved. Is he also in a European country? If not then you should consider the interest could be motivated by migration (visa). I say this as I am aware that in the UK there is a trend of South East Asian men being approached by Moroccan, Algerian, Tunisian girls for marriage but not all girls are sincere but rather looking for a way into Europe/UK. There have been some recent reporting of this in British news. Anyways I am sure he is sincere about you which is why it's best to get both families involved and do it the half way. May Allah guides you and I hope it works out for you.

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