Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Did my husband have an emotional affair?

cheating affair husbandAssalamualaikum. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years with an 8 month old. We have had lots of tension and arguments throughout our marriage but there has been some good times.

My husband has complained that I am emotionally unavailable and that has led to us being really disconnected physically emotionally and mentally. when we first started speaking before marriage I told my husband that I would never be okay with a second wife. he also told me that he was never in love with anyone or had a serious relationship with anyone before marriage.

Just 3 months ago he started doing therapy for his own personal reasons and he opened up to me about a girl that he met online in 2016 in a different country. he talked about how this girl was someone that he could open up to and felt emotionally connected to which is something that he never felt with me according to him.

I would ask him what this girl's name was and he would refuse to tell me which I thought was very strange. I found old posts that he made not directly to her but it basically mentioned that he and her could not get married and he was really sad about that, and they tried many times but her parents would not allow it because they were racist and how heartbroken he was about that. He did write this post months before he even met me so I understand that there's nothing I can really do about that. I was just completely shocked that this person existed and he's just now telling me because obviously it meant a lot to him and the fact that I'm being compared to her is really really worrisome.

Fast forward a month ago he started acting really cold to me more than usual and distancing himself for me so I had a feeling and I found an email that he sent to her that asked her to call him. as you can imagine now this girl isn't just someone from his past it's someone that's actively in the present. I confronted him about it very angrily as you can imagine and he he would not give me any details until I told him that I found the girls email and that I'm then emailing her. he told me they only spoke twice and when I would ask him if they ever FaceTime he never would answer the question.

Through email the girl later told me that they have been talking for 4 weeks on and off and for the last week more consistently I asked him what it was about and he said that he only spoke to her in regards to her being a possible second wife. she did reach out to him first and he replied that he was married with a child but he initiated the second wife idea. they both confirmed that they were on and off about it mainly because he was worried about how it would affect our daughter.

she also revealed to me that he said that we live separate lives and that we only communicate about our daughter which is not true. we were sleeping in separate bedrooms mainly because of my daughter's sleeping habits, but we still spent time together during the day and were normal and I would to talk to him and try to connect with him.

and literally the afternoon before I found that email he was threatening me with divorce and separation.

I also found blog posts that she made online that were very deep. they were talking about how he belonged to her and how she would dream about him and though the post weren't directed towards him they were made in the recent time period they were speaking. I think the girl agreed to be a second wife but she only felt comfortable because she was under the impression that our marriage was falling apart she had her own intentions.

in her email she would express that she was sorry and that she will never contact him again. after I told him what she would reply I think he realized that she was not loyal and that's the only time he started being nice to me except recently again because obviously I'm upset and I'm not going to let this go. we already have problems before. I don't understand how he could even think that he could do this behind my back.

They also FaceTime which I believe is completely unnecessary and he even told me that she complimented him. I'm extremely sad and I feel like a second choice now that this girl is out of the picture by her own decision, what does that mean about me?

Also, before the girl said that she would never contact him again and definitely we both agreed to take some space and that he would honestly think about what he wants in life and what I would want meaning divorce but again once he saw that she would not be an option that's when he turned his tune and now he wants to bring up everything that was wrong with our marriage before her but all those things were fixable.

Now we're thinking about marriage counseling which is something that I had pushed for before but how am I supposed to get over this recent betrayal. I'm completely devastated hurt and I never ever thought that this would happen to me.

i feel extremely devalued he even said that he was going to bring it up to me and if I said no then he would have dropped it. but literally that day he was telling me he wanted to divorce me before I even found out about any of this and also he had been very cold to me and telling me he is already out the door.

- nur3593

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1 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Sister Nur,

    I'm sorry that you have been affected by your husband's mixed signals and changing moods/mind, despite his knowing your stance on him having a second wife, which you made clear to him prior to marriage. I think that you need some more time to process the events of the last month, as it's all very new still and can be affecting you for that reason too.

    I also understand how his being friendly with you now lowers your self-confidence and feel like his second pick, which is a feeling of having been devalued and degraded.

    Perhaps a different perspective will help you. Think of this way: It's in man's nature to desire an additional wife. It is not the desire here that was wrong, but rather, him betraying your agreement and trust that there would be no second wife in your marriage. That is his mistake. And people do make mistakes. None of us is perfect.

    So I would suggest that, given man's desires coupled with his being "human," give him another chance. It also sounds like the other women is no longer around, so you don't need to worry about the two of them chatting again.

    Just my two cents.

    And Allah knows best,


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