Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am guilty of adultery but my husband doesn’t know

Keeping secrets

Asalamualaykum,

I am a revert of 6 years Alhamdulillah and I’ve been blessed to be married for 2 years.

My marriage didn’t start the halal way but Alhamdullilah we made it halal. During my marriage, I had difficulty with being intimate with my husband...I felt there was no spark there. Long story short, I wasn’t satisfied sexually. I love my husband, he is my best friend, and I couldn’t ask for someone better.

As a revert, it feels like I live two different lives. Because I still live with my parents, I am still around  the non-Islamic lifestyle and living in a western country, it’s really hard to stay on the straight path. I removed my hijab in 2019 and from there everything went down hill.

I travelled to my country in January of this year (2020), and I made a terrible mistake. I drunk alcohol and committed  adultery, something that disgusts me so much and which I never thought I'd do. When I returned back to England, I immediately broke things off with my husband. I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship and I wanted to live my life -- I never confessed to the cheating.

I was a lost soul, I was empty - I was lost to the point that I was considering leaving Islam. My husband and I hadn't stayed in contact but one day he reached out to me and we started talking. We met each other and a rush of emotions came over me. It’s like my eyes were opened. I missed him SO much and I felt an overwhelming sense of love. The spark that was missing before was there, which was nice. I wanted to get back with him but he had already moved on; he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore and I didn’t blame him. After all, I was the one who ended it but only because I was so ashamed that I did such a disgusting sin. We stopped all communication again and I felt so lost so I turned to Allah.

I repented and cried so much for what I did, and decided to change my ways.  Moving forward, we didn’t talk for a couple of weeks, but then we got in contact again, because we missed each other so much and we were still within the three-month period of the first talaq. In fact, after talking for a couple of days, he took me back. We had such a stressful three months, it was such a rollercoaster. I started to focus more on my deen, before Ramadan started I decided to wear my hijab again, I prayed all five daily prayers and got closer to Allah swt.

I cried and repented so much in the month of Ramadan. After he took me back, he had doubts and he felt he was drowning because he went back into the relationship too soon. During Ramadan we spoke and came to a decision to end the marriage.

But after Ramadan ended, I prayed to Allah swt to forgive me and change his heart...I prayed that Allah would change his decision to divorce me. Subhanallah his heart changed, he didn’t go ahead with the divorce. His love for me grew and we are still together. We still have ups and downs but we are happier now.

Everything I went through changed me completely I love this man so much and I appreciate every inch of him. I am more connected with my religion and more aware and fearful of Allah.

I always pray and repent for everything I did -- I made a stupid mistake which I wish never comes to light. The thing I am struggling with now is thinking that Allah might expose my sins (I know I shouldn’t think like this) but it comes to my head and I get so scared. I feel like I should tell my husband what I did but I don’t want him to hate me and I don’t want to lose him. I’ve read that we shouldn’t expose our sins but I’m so afraid that they might come to light somehow.

Please help me...what should I do?

Sister


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7 Responses »

  1. It’s better to move on and forget your past. Do not make the things more complicated. Over is over. Trust God , repent, and think positively. God bless you.

  2. What should I do??... Uhm.. Who said you had options? If you really "loved him" as you claim, then you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. You wouldn't be stuck in this position . This is why we follow the guidance of Allah the most merciful and the one who knows best. When you took your hijab off you removed a layer of protection from evil, when you decided to free mix you placed yourself in a situation for haram acts to occur, when you decided to drink you clouded your judgement not only that put your health at risk and with alcohol in your system, your prayers will be rejected for 40 days. And now for the cherry on top you committed adultery, one of the worst sins that we have been warned against over and over. This is why we listen to Gods guidance to protect us from destroying ourselves.

    Let me tell you what could happen if you confessed. Your husband life will be ruined because he won't ever trust you again and potentially divorce you. He could spread your sin and which could lead you to face shariah law and face the punishment for your act if found guilty.

    What's the best option? Your best option would be not to tell him and suppress your guilt and repent to Allah and have faith in him. I will give you a quote from of the lord's messenger "He, who relieves a hardship of this world for a believer, Allah will relieve (from him) a hardship of the Day of Resurrection; he who makes easy an indebted person, Allah will make it easy for him in the world and the Hereafter; he who covers a Muslim (meaning his mistakes and shortcomings), Allah will cover him in the world and the Hereafter."

    My personal advice, don't ever cheat on him again. Like what is wrong with you. Throwing away marriage over a fling. I pray for every brother that they get a loyal wife. AMEN!

    • Ahmed, the sister already knows very well that she did a terrible thing. She already feels guilty. She doesn't need you to blame her and say, "what is wrong with you?" Think about whether you actually want to advise the person in a way that they will hear and take to hear, or if you just want to show your moral superiority.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear Brother Ahmed: Your understanding of marriage, loving someone and incorrect behavior is quite limited. As we all know, a man can have more than one wife. What makes you believe a woman can not love her husband, yet desire another man. There were serious issues in her marriage, especially related to the sexual relationship between the couple. That issue probably had a lot do with the sister being unfaithful. You should know that there are women who cover and may even be veiled who are not the most moral women, while there are sisters who cover only when they make salah or attend the masjid who are chaste, decent women. The sister did not just "throw off" her hijab. She stopped covering. Wearing hijab is not necessarily some kind of device that prevents cheating on your spouse. It is apparent the sister had concerns every step of the way. And she is new to Islam. Where is your judgment and criticism on her husband's involvement as she stated their marriage did not start out in a halal manner. She was not by herself at that time.

      For my sister, the best thing to do is to keep your indiscretions to yourself. There is no benefit gained. Sometimes our desire to confess our sins or shortcomings is to relieve our own selves of the weight, while we do not realize the serious damage we create in telling those we may have hurt. So if you feel it is necessary, continue to make taubah. Silently. I believe you already have, but you are the only one who will know that. In Islam we confess our sins to Allah. If you know you have made a bad mistake and asked Allah to forgive you, and most importantly you will never do this again, then you should give yourself time to let this matter go. Do not revisit it. Or share this information with anyone else. Sometimes sexual problems between a couple can be resolved if the couple sincerely is open to share and listen and make every effort to understand their partner's needs and preferences. Your husband may be one of the men with very little experience with women, or someone who has heard so much misinformation he does not realize his approach to you is not working. Keep that in mind. And sometimes we are not attracted that much to someone until another possible love match enters their life or someone else finds them attractive.

  3. Pls dont confess it to ur husband or to any one. Allah has seen u..it's between u and Allah..Allah will shield it..U don't complicate ur life by telling it to other human..Allah has told u not to expose ur sins to others. U repent..Allah is the most forgiving...he will forgive no matter how big the sin or crime is.. except the sin of shirk..May Allah accept u and may he guide to the right path..May Allah forgive us all...aameen..

  4. Sister,
    Don't ever think of again to reveal what Allah conceals,
    The answer is right there in your story that you asked Allah to change his heart, so he did changed his heart not to divorce you. So Allah has concealed your sin, so don't open it, it's shaytan who is continuously putting this kind of thoughts.... Just say ' لا حول ولا قوة الا باالله' Whenever these thoughts come, just repent whenever these thoughts comes.

    Stay connected to Allah, whatever he conceals, InshaAllah in hereafter he will also conceal.

    Be in a company of pious people and have close company of those.

    Obey your husband, because for wives husbands obedience comes right after the obedience of Allah and Prophet صلی اللہ علیہ وآلہ وسلم.
    Allah wants you to become more closer to him.

    Make a habbit of talking with Allah always.

    Do zikar Khafi a lot.

  5. Assalamualaikum

    Agree with Asma. You have repented. INshaaAllah leave it at that. If you still feel strongly make Istikhara. But maybe better not to tell. Looks like you’ve both started a new and fresh relationship based on Islam. Best of luck to you sister.

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