Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will Allah forgive me for having sex… I did not want to lose it when I did…

Muslim woman in hijab

I will make this very quick... I was a heartbroken naive girl (20 years) and I fell for this man who then one night I was stupid enough to be with him in his home, alone... when I did not know him THAT WELL or his intentions (he gave me all these dreams we will marry), and he asked to have sex, I said no, he kept begging and I kept refusing, then he started to try and I was too scared of him (he's very very tall and he has a lot of muscle mass), and it happened.... I was in so much pain, screaming the whole time, kicking, telling him to stop, I was crying, pushing him, begging him to stop. Then he stopped (when he wanted to stop, when he finished.)
I stayed with him (he would continue to have sex with me, I let him) so I at least marry the man who took it, and he left me. I was heartbroken and I moved abroad for studies, i was away from family around horrible people, they tempted me to drink, do weed.. party...

I thought I was interested in this guy... but one night i was with him and he tried and I let him i literally said "whatever" I was intoxicated. I felt disgusting and i was waiting for him to just be done so I could leave. I felt i could not leave, it was late, i stayed and he did again in the morning. after this i removed him from everything and never wanted to be involved again.

Then i met my current bf, i stopped drinking and smoking, I've started praying again, he helps me study, he's a good influence but we also have a sexual rship, i fear he may cheat/leave if i say to stop this...
i want it to stop...
i want Allah's forgiveness
But i cannot ask for it while i still do it.. I'm scared of punishment, i don't want to do any more wrong doing than I have this past year of my life...

This past year I was not me at all.. this is not my morals or how I was raised. this is not my heart, my heart is not ok now. I feel extremely guilty and scared. Worst of all is... i know I would still be a virgin to this day if I never met that first man.

Pray for me please...

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6 Responses »

  1. Asalamualikum warahmatulahi wabarakatuh sister. The only thing I can tell you to do is namaz and dhikr that’s the only way it can help and repent, ask for forgiveness it will help you inshaallah. But before you ask for forgiveness you have to forgive yourself, dhikr and repentence is the only thing that can solve your problems inshaallah. And Allah aza-wajal himself said I can forgive every other sin but shirk

  2. Salam Sis. How did you meet the guy? And how did you end up in his house? It's true that first of all you should not have been alone in that man's bedroom. However it sounds like you were raped. Something beyond your control which I am so sorry it happened to you. Pls do not blame yourself. You should have informed your parents and lodged a report against the first man. People like him should not be let off free. It sounds like he has done this before and it's something he might do again in the future to other INNOCENT girls.

    Secondly, you have to SEEK professional help. You went through such trauma and it has now affected you in a lot of ways. Talking to someone might really help your situation. So pls seek help if there is a Muslim association for women. Or a women's shelter. Seek help there.

    Thirdly pls you have to understand that the first incident I would not count as Zina. you were afraid and raped. The incidents after are considered ZINA. I'm sure you have heard the punishments for ZINA in the grave, on the day of judgement and in hellfire. Once you read about them, imagine and believe in them, I guarantee you would stop doing this in a heartbeat.

    So pls stop this act at once. It's so damaging in so many many ways. I don't even know where to begin. Im happy that this latest boy was able to lead you on the right path Alhamdulillah but ZINA with him is NOT OK... there is no way this is ok on any level. If HE and YOU fear Allah, you should stop this being intimate. Make it Halal and get married to each other if you are serious about each other.

    Our life on this earth is short, some say it's too short. And I agree, life after we die is the eternity. So it's up to us NOW, to live in a halal way. Live up to our actions now and repent before it's too late. I sincerely hope that you find peace and turn over a new leaf. WE all have our tests from Allah. And this is YOUR TEST. Remember that Allah loves us more than the love our mother has for us. Our Rabb is so merciful and forgiving. Allah would keep testing us but never beyond what we cannot take. Insyallah May Allah guide you to the right path.

  3. I am sorry you were sexually violated by someone you were interested in. But you need to grow up and start taking responsibility for your actions. You state your first boyfriend forced himself on you, but you continued seeing him and having sex, then got involved with other people who "tempted" you to drink, smoke weed and party. You then got sexually involved with another man because you were intoxicated. Now you have a new boyfriend.......

    Your first boyfriend was extremely cruel to you in the very worst way. But you continued seeing him. It is not his fault you started into the party life, smoking weed, drinking alcohol and having boyfriends. Again, take responsibility for making poor decisions and putting yourself in bad situations, keeping company with people who obviously are not living an Islamic life. Just think, a vegetarian is not going to the butcher shop when they shop for groceries. A person who is very serious about their health does not have a supply of junk food in their kitchen pantry. Our prophet said we are the people we associate ourselves with.

    If you are sexually involved with a your new boyfriend, prepare yourself for more sadness and grief. You said "this is not my morals." Well. What are they? Read your own post a few times. You keep doing things that are haraam. But you keep blaming others for your own behavior. Did anyone force you to drink, to smoke weed, to take on a new boyfriend? I don't think so.
    Decide that you made some very poor decisions and indulged in some haraam behavior. Then decide you will be a responsible adult. Decide you will not do that anymore.

    You mention that you would still be a virgin to this day if you never met that first man. You are wrong. It was not meeting him that caused you your problems. It was getting involved with him and going to his home alone. You did not deserve to be assaulted, no matter where you are. But you have to take responsibility for your own action and behaviors. Women meet men all the time. At work. At school. On the train. In the library. In the market place. It is our conduct and obedience to Allah that keeps us out of trouble.

    Chances are your new boyfriend might resent you deciding not to be sexually active with him anymore. He is also fooling himself, or maybe he is playing games -- talking about Islam, praying, etc., but still having sex with you Tell this man you care about him, but you care about your soul more. That you are conflicted. And that it is best that you end the relationship that way it is.

    • Good advice, Sister.

      I agree with everything said by this poster.

      My dear sister, please stop blaming others for everything (the first guy is to blame in his incident however), and start taking responsibility for your actions.

      You have gone through a tough time, but you have made most of the decisions.

      And like Sis Lindita has said before, Give yourself self-worth. Learn to love yourself and respect yourself. You don't and shouldn't need someone else to make you feel good.

      Don't let others treat you as a toy and use you.

      We should remember that our bodies are a gift from Allah the Most High. We will be questioned about how we valued this gift.

      May Allah guide you, help you and bless you.

      Your Sis in Islam

  4. 1) Yes, you should not have gone to a man's house when you don't know him, don't trust him and aren't married to him. But when you say no to sex, and he still forces himself on you anyway, that's called rape. You've been raped.

    2) It boggles my mind how you could continue seeing your rapist. You should have reported his ass.
    But it honestly boggles my mind even more that - as per your own words - you allowed him to have sex with you. First time was rape, following times were not. Because you agreed to the sex.

    3) You need stop getting involved with men and base your self worth on them. You sound like a person with low self-esteem, because you worry about men leaving you...and you clearly feel like you need to pleasure men outside the bond of marriage in order to keep them. Why do you feel like the only thing you have to offer a man is sex? It's not then special, any woman can spread her legs and give a man sex. You know this, too, and that's why you fear that men will leave you. Because you know that the one thing you offer to men, they can get from anyone. That's why you need to work on yourself. You need to develop a personality and some morals and values that makes you feel like there's more to your than your genitals.

    Leave your boyfriend and focus on bettering yourself and on becoming more independent.

  5. Assalamualaikum sister

    First of all a man who want to get u into zina kindly dont marry such man and meeting ghair mehram was 1st fault when clearly it is prohibitted in islam even an illiterate knows it and if u have gone against it ,then consequences will have to be faced and what kind of human he is who forced u and next time u agreed :(..............u must fill your heart with love for Allah and ask for his mercy and forgiveness Allah is great .....if you really want to forget and be good muslim then leave him and move on in your life have clean life where u can find peace ..........

    Allah has creatd partner for you all u have to do is wait for him and and get into halal relation (nikha) what is so urgent in life why do u want to worry about anybody leaving u ............HE IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND WHO IS HE ? dont worry of such relations which destroys your imaan and akhira this guy is drifting u away from Allah................dont worry and think so much about what has happned and about your virginity ............move on if not becoz of this guilt u will have to compromise in wrong relations ...........Allah has created u Allah has all power none can destroy u none can save you except Allah....

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