Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexually Abuse By My Own Family

Young woman looking thoughtful, pensive

Assalamualaikum. I'm 20 year old girl and I have a serious addiction that's hard for me to stop. First of all, pardon for my poor English as English is not my first language.

When I was at a very young age, around 8 to 9 year old, I was molested by my own brother. He was trying to raped me but when I started to cry, he stop. But he never stop molesting me even when he's already married with 4 children. He would come to me when I was sleeping and touching me. I wanted him to stop but I wasn't able to do anything to stop him because I was very young and I don't know what to do. Last year during school holiday, I visited my parents and I have to sleep same room with my sister-in-law because there's no other room left for me to sleep. When I was sleeping, I woke up shocked that my brother still molesting me. I can't even make any sound because I'm afraid this will cause a big fight between him and his wife. I was so afraid.

The worst problem i had was, my brother wasn't the only who's molesting me since I was a child til i've grown up. My father was also did the same thing to me. I can't tell a single person about this because he's a ustadh and I don't want to give a bad name to him. I also don't want my mom to know about this because they love each other and I don't want to see them fighting because of me. I never told a single a person about what my brother and father did to me. Every night when I'm sleeping alone on the couch, because no room left for me to sleep so I would sleep outside on the couch, my father would come to me and started touching me everywhere like an animal and still, I did nothing for him to stop. I was just lying there like a rock, begging in my head for him to stop.

When I was 16, I got into an elite school because of my good result. There where I met my first boyfriend. My teacher. Yes. I had a relationship with my own teacher. When we went out for the first time, he kissed me and I was shocked but I did nothing maybe because I'm used to being treated like that by a guy. I knew it was wrong so I ended it 2 weeks after. I told about it to my counselor because I needed help. He told me to stop seeing him if not, he will tell the principal about it. So I listened to him. For awhile. My ex bf begging me to accept him back and give him another chance. So I did. I was young and weak. I couldn't make a wise decision for myself. It was also the first time for me as I was never been in a relationship with anyone before. I didn't know what to do. And he was also good with words. A sweet talker. We went out couple of times, did horrible things together. He always started the move like kissing and all other sort of things except sex because I told him i wasn't ready for it. Months after that, terrible things happened. My sister got messages from a stranger on facebook. It was pictures message. Of me and my teacher, kissing. I was in shocked and I can't think of anything. My head was blank. Who could do such thing to me. The stranger wasn't just sent those pictures to my sister, he/she sent it to my whole family including my other teachers and also my school principal. I was crying so hard and felt so embarassed. I couldn't think of anything except suicide. But I didn't go that far alhamdulillah. I was able to control myself. My parents was being called to go to the school and meet school principal. As I was expected, my father didn't mad or screamed at me because he knew, he did the same thing to me too without my mom knowing. So I got kicked out of that school and back to my old school. I have to lie to everyone saying that the elite school was too pressure for me but God knows that's not the truth and they don't know how much I love learning in that school surrounded with great people like my smart friends and teachers. I just had to lie. The teacher which is now my ex bf got transferred to other school. He should be in jail for seducing an under age girl and also his own student but he didn't . The family and the school didnt want the police to involve as it would brings a much bigger problem, so they covered him and transferred him to other school. Before we broke up six month after he got transferred, i asked did he sent the pictures, he said no. He didn't know also. Until now, I still couldn't figure out who did that to me.

I was in depression for a year and not serious in my study at all. Later, I got a really bad result, not like everyone was expected. They were so disappointed at me. But alhamdulillah now I've changed and got more serious in my study. I entered college and alhamdulillah I'm on the dean's list in every semester because I want to make my family proud again. But that's not the problem why I'm here. I'm here to tell you that my addiction to porn and self pleasuring also getting worse. Sometimes I would have random video call with strangers and did terrible stuff. I don't know why but sometimes I felt like I deserved to be treated that way by guys. What my own family did to me, the one who supposed to protect me as their daughter and little sister, I felt like I don't deserved to be treated like a queen like what Islam has teaches the Muslim guys. Like how Muhammad S.A.W treated the women. Since I was very little, I've been living with pervert which is my own family.

Now I'm used to it. It gives me pleasure. I can't stop even though i know it's wrong. I pray five times a day but still, I can't control myself. I know this is not shaytaan because i also did it during ramadhan. I know I'm a bad person. But I'm really trying so hard to be a good woman. A true Muslim woman. I have a boyfriend now. We're in a long distance relationship. He's kind to me but sometimes we did terrible things too. He's willing to marry me In shaa Allah, it's just that I need time to finished study first. But my family wants me to work after finished study. I'm not sure if I need to get married so that I can stop doing haraam things like zinaa or do I need to help my family and get a job first? What if I choose to get married early after I finish study but who's going to help my parents? After all the money they gave to me for me to continue my study, I need to pay them back the money and help them because I'm their daughter that's my responsibility. I have older brothers and sisters. Some of them are married and they can't help my parents because they have their own family now. My other brothers were not really good in education so they got not a really big salary job. So my parents rely on me because I'm excel in education and they hoping that one day I could get a good job with big salary. They need me. But I also want to get married. I love my man and I don't want to keep doing haraam things anymore. I did istikharah but no sign till now. Maybe I didn't do it properly or was being impatient. I never give up on Allah. I know He's always there for me I just need to try harder. But I also really need help. What should I do to stop my bad addiction to porn and other terrible stuff? I can't do zinaa anymore it know it's wrong but I can't stop. I hate myself for not being able to control myself. Do I need to get married? But what about my family? They need financial support. What should I do? This is my own fault because I still can't forget what they did to me since a was a little girl. It's haunting me my whole life sometimes it's makes me feel I am deserved to be treated like a whore. And sometimes I just felt like I'm nothing to them I just better be off dead and no one will miss me. I just want to die as good Muslim women but I can't do so if i keep doing what I'm doing now. I just need advice.

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7 Responses »

  1. Get married , saving oneself fron zina is an obligation whereas taking financial care of parents is not a daughter's obligation to begin with.don't choose hell fire for you.its obligatory for you to get married because as you said you can't stop yourself from falling in to zina.

    • Ahmatulla
      What a stupid suggestion .
      Not bothered by her abuse by father n brother you are suggesting stupid solution.
      Sister
      I think you need to collect proof of your father n brothers action like putting some hidden cameras and put then behind bar .
      They are criminals and needs to be behind bar .

      • "Cool," calling people names is NOT allowed on this website. You can disagree without insults. This is your one warning. Next time you'll be banned.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salaams Dear Sister:

    First let me express my love and concern for you and ask Allah to forgive you for every indiscretion and error you may have done in your entire life. May Allah also reward your for your pain and suffering with a decent man who will ask nothing from you aside from being his faithful wife and to love him as he would love you.

    You have suffered abuse from your childhood at the hands of men who are suppose to be your protectors. Your father is a sick man, a sexual abuser and your brother has learned his haram behavior from him. As an aside, you should pay attention to this because your brother may be abusive to his own daughter. You have no obligation to protect your father or your brother, their fake reputation or even be concerned about your mother. She may very well be aware of what has happened, but learned to keep her mouth shut. In some abusive families, there is often one child who is the victim. It is a family secret but everyone within the family knows that one child will be punished and blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong and in your case, there may be a female who is considered available for the pleasure of certain male family members.

    You are now an adult. And sadly, you do not have a real family to support you when you are in danger, since your family are the dangerous people. Therefore you have to be your own defender. If necessary, find a way to film advances made by your father or brother, because if you should ever complain these horrible people will lie and say you seduced them, that you are wicked and worse.

    You should end your illicit relationship with your "boyfriend". I am almost certain he enjoys the advantage of having a sexual relationship all while telling you he wants to marry you, but secretly has absolutely no plans on doing so. Men do this every day all over the world in every faith, culture and at every age. This happens so often that it is classical -- normal in a bad way. You probably are 100% sure he loves you, but as a much older woman, I can guarantee you that he only loves being with you and having no responsibility to you or for you. You are satisfying his needs. Why should he do anything else When he decides to get married, he won't be marrying you because he will prefer a more virtuous woman and end his relationship with you. Your relationship is haram and you need to end that immediately.

    Your situation is part of the after effects of having been used by your father, brother and a teacher all while you were a child and all three of these men were suppose to be your protectors not your predators. You more than likely do not know how to choose a good partner for yourself or how to be friends with a man, especially an older man, without it becoming sexual. You are not an evil person. You have been badly used by the men in your life and are now a product of it. Do not doubt me. If a young girl is fed healthy food, given good medical treatment, nice clothes and toys while growing up no one is going to say she is selfish, greedy or wrong to want the same thing when she becomes a young woman.

    I use myself as an example. My family was not poor, but we were certainly not rich. My father was strict with me, but tolerated my behavior when I was a teenager when I broke curfew, did not do my chores or got into trouble at school. He never ever beat me and rarely yelled at me when I did something wrong. Most of the time he let me know how disappointed he was, would warn me about the dangers of being a disobedient child and I would be punished by having more chores to do and not being able to go out on weekends. He also made sacrifices to always make sure I was safe getting home when I worked after school, attended parties or even wanted to travel a distance away for some kind of activity. So, I grew up being safe and protected from predators. As a young woman, I expected that same kind of treatment from any man who was interested in marrying me. I also expected to be treated with patience, regard and respect. I never thought anyone was doing me a favor, that they were some kind of unique human being or an exceptional person if they treated me well.

    You have never had the protection of a decent family so you probably do not know how to recognize appropriate behavior from men. And unscrupulous men know how to pick the women they can use and know what women are not going to tolerate bad behavior. It is almost as if women wear an invisible sign of this status that only men can see. I would suggest you make extra prayers regularly to Allah for His protection from all men, family and non-family members. And to pray to Allah to give you a decent, understanding spouse who will never cause any harm to you or your children. While making your supplications you might consider finding a therapist, perhaps through your school, who can help you towards your own personal recovery and possibly place you in a more safe living situation.

    It is not your duty to take care of your parents, especially in light of the abuse you have already suffered. Do not let them continue making you some kind of family service person at your expense. It will ruin you more than what you have had to go through. And Islamically, it is not your obligation. If there are other siblings, they have just as much responsibility to your parents as you might have. Financial burdens should not fall upon your shoulders. Although you referred to father as ustadh, he does not deserve the respect and consideration an honorable teacher deserves. Your father is a criminal and should be in prison for pedophile behavior. So does your brother.

    • Excellent reply, Roses! As a male, I commend you for your on-point observation about the predatory behaviour of men where they use females for sexual gratification and then move on to their next targets.

      Just an addition that I want to make. Make sure your therapist is a female, not a male. You might fall in love with him because of your inexperience and vulnerability.

      Also, start seeking out for potential spouses. Involve your family. You would not leave these sins just with the help of prayers and fasts. Tell your parents about your desire for marriage. Hope they would understand.

  3. Contact the police..In Islam is a truth n just religion...These people need help...you are basically saying it's ok to do this and going to Hell is your final destination..and this is ok

  4. May Allah send you angels to protect you and one life partner to help heal your heart. I am sure such a person is out there waiting for you. In the meantime, stop putting yourself in situations where you can be used as meat. You are more and you deserve better but you have to believe that and behave in a way that shows you believe it. My prayers are with you, In sha allah.

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