Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Past repeating itself and helpless.

Sexual abuseHello, I'm 17 and turning 18 next month if Allah wills. I'm a girl & I have some serious issues. It's not that I'm too sensitive so let me begin as I need immediate help. There's nowhere else where I can seek this help.

When I was 5 I was sexually molested. I remember the glimpses and somehow I feel it is connected to what I've done in present because these things imprint on your mind.

I think both my parents knew. I'm from a Muslim family but really my father is not so religious. He's not made me read whole quran in childhood or even now when all my friends have.

I've seen, heard all the violent vigorous fights, cusses, and dirty things he's said/did to me, mom and brother. I was very little and scared. When I was 12 years old I discovered pornographic images on a carpenter's mobile then on my cousin's, then on my uncle's desktop. I was like "ew, my relatives are gross. They appear something else outside". Boom, it was on my brother's laptop.

I don't know what happened I started to masturbate on my own naturally I don't know I had no control. Then, yeah on my father's phone, he thought I didn't know. He once grabbed my phone cus' his data was down, next day in search history yeah I found it.

I had no strict parents, so I feel at that age you are very vulnerable. A guy was sexting with me & exploiting me as a kid...I was too young to know what I was doing.

But after an internet break I started seeing islamic videos, it was as if I had no fear of anything until I saw those Islamic vids. I wanted to let go of these corrupt people, I didn't want to be like them. I went into a complete transformation.

I don't know if I mentioned my father had a sub type of schizophrenia ( he went to a doctor once my mum says) like he has believes what he wants to and thinks whatever he thinks is real. All the characteristics of a mentally problematic person match with him. He put dirty allegations on my mother and his language and outrage were foul. I knew about things like sexual intercourse from my OWN HOUSE!! in a bad way.

Sometimes I fear if I'm carrying his traits. Let's just leave the perspective of my father of women particularly his wife - what he said and did in front of his kids. But him not having a conscience left me feeling like a pathetic piece.

So after those years when I had abstained from these things, in this pandemic when everything was down and there was nothing much to do. I slipped. Yes. All my prayers and all my religious practices went U-turn. I always wanted to be guided to a good path.

I catched-up with an old friend, he tried to talk dirty I blocked him. Then I watched TV-shows which I think also triggered it (it was YOU series and 13 Reasons Why, some R-rated for mature audience but I didn't care). After some months I was reading erotic literature, having sexual thoughts. I had no control over it trust me, even during Ramadan. I'd repent right after reading such literature or thinking so. I should not get into details but those thoughts made me feel excited (like masturbating). I automatically had those thoughts again and again. I fell stuck in a loop, I did it again I'd once come out of it and focused on more important things in life but I can't explain.

Even after that I turned to sexting BUT with bots. One day I entered a chatroom who were not bots - it was just text but I regret it so much. I feel disgusted with myself. I broke all my principles. I felt useless, repenting after committing sin several times made me leave the prayer as I couldn't face Allah, my conscience was just....

And this trauma affected my studies too. I feel I morally wronged myself. I wanted it to stop, I knew it was wrong but I still did it and it's so disgusting!! If I'd drunk alcohol that would've been better or maybe even attempted to suicide. I want to move on and pray again but I can't. I always asked Allah to get me close to him but I'm so far away now. I've crossed all the limits. It is so wrong that it can not be even said. Have I done what is called haram?

Please do answer my queries and help a sister. I'm in hell I don't feel like a normal person anymore. That would be your most kindness.

I'm such a bad person. Does all this mean I'm not a good charactered woman/girl?

Is this who I am when I'm alone?

Thank you

- madnam

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4 Responses »

  1. I think first and most important thing to stop is come out of the environment . For example if you are watching in your desktop then that should be in common room and not your bedroom . Or if you are doing it on your mobile then you need to install all possible anti porn software which can block most of sites .
    Don't stay alone most of the time .When you stay in groups(good people) you tend to avoid all these
    During Pandemic as you can't go out or be social better spend more time with mom or some one else .

    Find some activity and try to finish and avoid staying alone most of the time .

    You are still young and seems nice girl and i am sure you will come out of it .Allah will help if intentions are good .Insha Allah .

  2. Salaam,

    I am so sorry to hear what you have been and are currently going through. First things first, I want to say Mash'Allah for how strong you are. The fact that you are feeling remorse and regret for your actions just prove your good character. "Allah (SWT) does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear." [2:286]. Anytime that you have sinned and feel like you cannot get back to Allah (SWT), that is simply shaytan in your head. Allah (SWT) is the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful and forgives all sins (but shirk), so never lose hope.

    As for your desires, you need to control the actions you commit that trigger the desire. For example, watching TV shows, reading specific literature, etc. Try to replace it with different genres of shows or readings. The closer you are to Allah (SWT), the harder it is for you to commit a sin. Create a schedule and try to get back into the habit of praying (5 times a day), reading Quran daily, listening to scholars on Islamic topics, and learning specific topics that interest you regarding Islam, and of course, the Sunnah of the Prophet (PBUH).

    Anytime a negative or unwanted thought comes to your mind, try to divert your attention with something else and if you can't, listen (or recite) Quran for a few minutes as I guarantee this will clear your mind.

    I hope all goes well, Insha'Allah, stay strong!

  3. As-salamu alaykum sister. I agree with what others have said about cutting off the avenues that lead to sin, and the triggers that enable it.

    Aside from that, I want to say that everyone has a test in life. This may be yours. You were a child, but now you are on the verge of adulthood. You are responsible for your own choices from now on. You must make a superhuman effort to break free of your family's sinful nature, and the sinful environment in which you were raised. Your family is locked into destructive patterns of behavior. Let it end with you. You can become the one to move forward, free from these sins. Now is the time to do that, before you grow older, get married, and become a mother yourself. May Allah aid you and give you strength.

    Wael Editor

  4. Asalamualaykum Sister Madnam,

    You are not a bad person. However, people who are not bad can still do bad things. But you have recognized what you have been involved with, that it is extreme, and not proper for a blessed muslimah such as yourself.

    If you are not able to pray or if it is too difficult for you right now, make an informal prayer, a Dua, to Allah for assistance in praying. Praying is very important because it keeps us occupied with our Lord and close to Him, as you have stated yourself in your post. So make this dua with sincerity for Allah to help you pray your salah.

    After you start praying, ask Allah to help guide you away from this obsession with porn, and to remove this desire from your heart.

    Inshallah all will be well. Allah doesn't let us stray too far that we can't even be helped. As long as we remember him, He remembers us!



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