Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Committed zina and I feel ashamed and worthless.

I’m 18 and have committed Zina many times from a young age, it started off from guys trying to force me into things and me being too weak to actually stop it, never had actual sexual intercourse until the age of 14 when a guy forced me into it - I turned around and managed to end it but the damage was done he took my virginity this led me to get depressed and completely hate myself which also led to me self harming and considering suicide at times - although I have gotten better in that’s sense but there are moments when I completely break down and end up self harming, for not being pure in general, for being stupid enough to let myself get in this situation and ruining my life. After that I didn’t do anything for a while but eventually slowly started to start doing all that stuff and have done it many times with many people.

I regret it completely and always have, while doing it and after and would continue to hate myself for falling back into these actions as they don’t necessarily bring me joy I just sometimes would use it a stupid way to distract myself from things going on in my life. But it’s only led me to getting into more situations where I let guys take advantage of me and sometimes try and force themselves onto me. I am not proud to say that I am not religious although I try to put in more effort to be. But I just feel even if I stop (which I have for a while now) my self hatred and feelings of worthlessness will not go away I feel like a horrible person, daughter and Muslim and that these actions will completely destroy my future as well as in regards to marriage. It feels as if even if I do get on the right path my past will still affect me and will over power all the good I do and that I just will never be good enough and the fact that I have allowed myself to be treated this way doesn’t help it.

Along with that I now have very deep and strong feelings for one of the guys I had committed zina with and the feeling is mutual - he is also Muslim. We both have committed quite abit of zina with each others and others and we ended up developing feelings however I want something more with him and have tried to kind of date but both him and I know that he is reluctant to actually have a future with me although he had wanted to in the past. I want to leave him and move on and stay away from zina in general but it is so hard because despite all the zina we have been there for each other as for friends and helped each other through so much and just become a strong part of each others lives but in general I’m not good enough for him.


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6 Responses »

  1. Hello Elif,

    What you have done is now over. By constantly thinking about your past, you will only cause further problem to yourself. You may even have serious mental issues as it will begin to affect your productivity and may cause a strong feeling of self hatred. If you really regret your decision, then simply do not do what you did. Forget your past, and do things that really interest you and you will begin to love your life again.

    Your problem has a very easy solution, especially if you are unmarried and your parents do not know about this. So, please for your own sake, begin to develop interest in those things that you really enjoy doing and if you regret what you did then do not do them again. It is simple. Please do not make it more complicated that it needs to be !

  2. In. Which lart kf the world do you live. Can i know please

    • Why does that matter?

      • هداك الله
        Make sincere tawbah. With regret, firm resolve not to do it again and seek Allaah’s help. Try waking up in last third of might and beg Allaah عز وجل. It is really tough in the workd we live in today but the fact that u are willing to change you should thank Allaah for this cuz loads of people do sins but their hearts have become so filthy and dark that they don’t feel it.

        I would honestly advise getting in touch with a proper Shaykhah (who is known for her taqwaa and following the Prophet ﷺ and the sahaabah etc etc) to get advice because you have been through a lot and it would be essential to have someone to guide u on how to get out.

        The Muslim should have fear of doing sin, especially a major sin, as perhaps the angel of death may comes during that act. But have a read of the following. Dont despair in Allaah’s mercy. As long as u r Muslim, u r upon tawheed, worship Allaah Alone, u pray salah then u r , well, a Muslimah. You r upon khayr. Even if a Muslim will be punished in jahannam, which i hope Allaah saves you from, they still enter jannah. Allaah forgives even shirk if u repent from it while alive.

        ۞ قُلۡ یَـٰعِبَادِیَ ٱلَّذِینَ أَسۡرَفُوا۟ عَلَىٰۤ أَنفُسِهِمۡ لَا تَقۡنَطُوا۟ مِن رَّحۡمَةِ ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ یَغۡفِرُ ٱلذُّنُوبَ جَمِیعًاۚ إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ ٱلۡغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِیمُ﴿ ٥٣ ﴾

        • Sahih International:
        Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."

        Az-Zumar, Ayah 53

        Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

        “And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed], except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty.

        Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated –

        Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.”

        [al-Furqaan 25:68-70].

        And there are loads of ahaadeeth abt repentance and abt zina.

        But lastly i would wanna give some genuine advice; if he aint tryna marry u via the halal way then he isnt serious about an Islamic marriage. Im a man. I know men. He is just playing and using u for his pleasure even if he says he has feelings and whatnot, a real man who has feelings does what Allaah made halal for him and goes thru the front door rather than sneaking thru the window. May Allaah guide him. (ik its not my advice, took alot from abu taymiyyah’s advices however i saw it fitting). And if this man is doing thjs outside of marriage without having asked to get married to u then what will he be doing even if he is married, Allahul musta’aan

        I honestly and genuinely hope that Allaah gets you out of this and all ur worries. Recite Qur’aan, lrn its meanings, stick to salah, seek knowledge and dont give up. Ur regret is a sign there’s something there so dont let shaytaan tell u that u cant repent.

  3. Salaam alaikum. You like sex. Big surprise. Now find yourself a husband. A boyfriend is just a boy and not a husband. If you want to crawl your way out of this hole then ask for forgiveness but back it up with devotion to your salaat. You got guilt? Salaat. You got regret? Salaat. You want hope? Salaat. Get married and you can boink uglies all day long and not be in trouble. It's the best way for guilt free sex.

  4. Hello sister,
    I just want to start by saying that the feeling of regret is a good sign because you acknowledge all the wrongdoings in your life and you are seeking guidance. Allah is all-seeing, all-knowing. No human-being is perfect, and it is important to note that Allah will make a way for those who repent and seek His forgiveness. I urge you to repent, pray, and make a promise to Allah that you will not go backwards. He knows your true intentions and when you are genuinely trying to be a better person. We all have our inner demons, but the true struggle is doing the right thing when you are being influenced otherwise.

    One can worship Allah for 70 years then decide, at the last moment before their death, that there is no Allah and all their years of worship was for nothing. Regardless of the 70 years of worship, they will be turned to Hellfire because of their decision in not acknowledging Ar-Rahman. On the other hand, one can disobey and live a sinful life and decide to turn things around and worship Allah; in this case, they may go to Heaven. Allah knows best, and He is the one that you should repent and speak to.

    I wish you the best and Inshallah you will be lead down the right path. Alhamdullilah you have already acknowledged your sins, and that is the first step!

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