Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband abandoned me for the second time during pregnancy

Pregnant woman depressedHi,
I don't even know how to start the story. I want to keep it as brief as possible.

I married my husband and got pregnant within 2 months. Into six months of marriage, I found that he was cheating on me, messaging other people.

I was three months pregnant and I ended up having a huge meltdown, and things escalated. He ended up kicking me out, and refusing to see me or talk to me. I become homeless as a result of this, and ended up going to my family when I was in my third trimester.

It was a horrible time for me, during which I struggled emotionally, physically and financially. I hardly had any contact with him; he refused to speak to me. He was nasty on every occasion.

When I had the baby, I made the first attempt in contacting him, sending him pictures of our baby. I did this despite me calling him multiple times when I went into labor without even one response. He later stated that he thought I'd messaged to argue with him.

He started meeting me for the first time in months. He seemed remorseful and said he'd cut all ties with me to protect me and himself as his mum was going through a huge mental breakup (she has mental illness). It was a huge shock to me because all this time, I had thought he was narcissistic.

I must stress that before the breakup, he was the perfect devoted husband. And he changed completely. I was a mess because I never had closure, never understood how this man who loved me so much could all of a sudden treat me so bad. I concluded that he just couldn't cope with me, with me having a breakdown. And that he was just a deeply flawed man, weak, and a coward.

The second time we met, things started off with him stating that he didn't want to get back together cause he didn't want to mess things up with me, and it wasn't a good idea for our child. He ended up kissing me and telling me that he loved me. I was confused but I loved him, and despite all the pain I was carrying I deeply wanted us to be family again. I didn't want to be a single mother and carry that divorce stigma. I no longer wanted to struggle and I wanted my child to have a dad.

He didn't want me to move back with him nor did he want to tell his family yet. He wanted to take his time, as we had child, and said we should take things slow as things were delicate. He said he didn't trust me as he knows that I didn't trust him...and that this would take time. He said he will get me an apartment so he can come to mine and I go to his vice versa.

A few months later, I become pregnant. I told him, and at first he laughed and then he became scared. He told me to abort the child as he wasn't ready, he said we will try again in two years time. He said it was still early days, so it shouldn't be a problem for me. It started off with him reasoning, then begging, then he became cold. He gave me an ultimatum, either I agree with him or him and I aren't ever getting back together.

I just couldn't do it. He ended up blocking me, only to unblock me later and then speaking to me coldly. I wasn't allowed to call him, nor would he meet me or my child. He changed his number and blocked me on social media. My only way of contact is WhatsApp. I tried everything with him, I've argued with him, I have cried, I then thought I'll be patient. I tried conversing with him, and tried to be normal.

However, he kept telling me that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me again. After a month of me trying, I stopped talking to him. He didn't come to any of my scans, and he refused to help me with my child, saying that the idea of seeing me stresses him out and that he refuses to let me get close to him again.

I don't get it. He promised me that he wouldn't let me go through another pregnancy alone, and he has no problem doing it because I refuse to abort the child. I feel like he's punishing me because I refuse to listen to him. He said he's done arguing with me regarding the baby, and that "I always play the victim" when I said we were both irresponsible hence why I got pregnant.

After that I stopped messaging him, and I guess he's happy with that. As he hasn't send me any messages to see if I'm okay, or even to ask about our child. Every three or four weeks I'll send him pictures and videos of our daughter hoping that will awaken some of the father in him. But I've stopped now. He hasn't seen me or our child since I've told him (I had called him by the way) and that was early days. I am now weeks away from giving birth.

I don't know why I'm writing this down... I guess it's because I'm hurting and feeling extremely emotional and vulnerable right now. I know how lucky I am, I am blessed to be a mother again, and this pregnancy I have family support, and my husband despite not wanting anything to do with me, is financially supporting me. So I'm doing tons better than my last pregnancy, but it does feel unfair for me to go through this again.

I keep thinking "why me?", why couldn't I go through one pregnancy feeling loved, being pampered. But yet I'm struggling again, pregnant and with a toddler. Facing difficult questions from family and family friends, who keep asking why I'm at my parents'. It's just hard sometimes, and overwhelming. I feel like a failure. After all, I chose my husband, and he was good to me till I got pregnant with my first. He just hasn't been the same since then.

I just feel lost and I just wish I had one pregnancy where I could just enjoy it. I guess I'm just feeling emotional today...I have good days and then bad days. Days where I'm happy, and days when I'm upset or just angry at him. Despite all these emotions, I don't try to reach out to him. Because at this point he clearly doesn't care, and anything I say or do can push him away further if that's even possible. I don't want to give him any excuse to point fingers at me.

I've been calm and patient so he comes around on his own terms, so he can't blame me for his behavior. I want him to feel remorse and know that this is nothing to do with me but everything to do with him, that he's the one in the wrong. I want him to feel ashamed of what's he done, not act like he's entitled because somehow it's my fault for not aborting. He knew that I wasn't using any contraceptive and he's never questioned me in regards to my character. He knows that I am faithful and he knows this is his child despite us not living together. That's the only thing I probably respect him for. He has never said anything bad about my character.

I no longer know what I want, but I keep thinking it's best if things do work out between him and I.

Thanks for reading. What are your thoughts?


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8 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister,

    May Allah make this very difficult situation easy for you and your children. Amee
    I think you should focus on yourself , your daughter and your unborn child. I know this is very easy said, but trust me this will be best for you all in the long run.

    • What's Important to you? IS it the husband with the kids raising them together as a family renting a house with a "white picket fence, out in the country side", (While owning a cottage), or Is It raising those two children (The toddler and the, 1 In The oven to the best of your ability?

      I can't say do this or that because you see like you, My wife did similar but more calculated/Cold, and really just feel less then worthless, yet I still know in my heart It was/Is/Will be for the best, and If not, It Is what It Is and that's that.

      • I wonder the same thing, and I wonder if its because I love him and I want my marriage to work. Or am i trying desperately to find the person who I fell in love with, the man who I thought would be an amazing father and husband. is it because its instilled in me culturally that a failed marriage will be the extension of my failure or is it that Im scared to be a single mother of two of all my life. I personally dont see myself marrying again for many reasons.

        I still dont know what it is, I think its all of the above reasons and the fact that I want my chidlren to have a loving father.

        My mother herself has endure a difficult marriage and despite knowing everything and seeing me breakdown says the best thing for my children is to go back. Just continously say pray that he comes back and he changes his way. You are too young and you have a long life ahead of you, and it will be lonely life for you. I guess thats some of where that influence may come from, i think she just worries, my older sisters are divorced too.

        I have spoken to sheikh and he says that there have been alot of magic done to break your marriage hence why hes so distant but at this point I have given up hope. Im so close to birth, and I really thought that by now hed come around. I am just super so focused on my children now, this is the only thing that getting me through this. I honestly can say despite all the tears and pains i have went through with both pregnancy, whenever I see my child, I know it has been worth it alhumdullah. Im so grateful for Allah blessing me with motherhood, and Im excited for my second birth.

        Please make dua that this birth goes well ahumdullah and I am able to fufil my motherhood duties and raise them well that Allah Ta ala is happy with me.

  2. Asalamualaykum Sister Mia,

    I'm so sorry about the pain, loneliness, and confusion that you are experiencing right now. Your intuition that he is a narcissist seems likely to me. He is screwing with your idea and definition of "love" when on the one hand he abandons you, makes ultimatums, and gives you silent treatments, and on the other hand has the audacity to tell you that he "loves you." That is not how someone treats you when they "love you." He is totally gaslighting you and making you question your notion of what love entails, in an effort to evade responsibility for his own behavior.

    When he said that he doesn't "trust you as he knows that you didn't trust him...and that this would take time" he is projecting his own faults onto you and trying to make you chase him for mere breadcrumbs of respect.

    You write: I want him to feel remorse and know that this is nothing to do with me but everything to do with him, that he's the one in the wrong. I want him to feel ashamed of what's he done, not act like he's entitled because somehow it's my fault for not aborting.

    Sister...don't expect anything from this guy...he's mentally and physically incapable of fulfilling your needs...he has already proven that...twice. if I were you, I'd stop all contact with him, and not return any of his future advances. Stay separated from him and work towards getting a divorce. Is there a possibility of you staying with your parents during this time, instead of the apartment he bought you? I just don't want you to have to be depending on this man in any way, shape, or form.

    I pray that you have a healthy baby and that you and your babies are safe from harm. Try to pray at night when your toddler is asleep, and ask Allah for His help. You can pray sitting down or lying down since you are pregnant. You will receive comfort from that, Inshallah. I know it's really tough to give up on someone you invested so much of yourself in, but the sooner you realize that you deserve to be loved for who you are and have your real needs fulfilled, the sooner you will be happy. Self-love sister...self-love.



    • Salam Nur,

      I agree with what you are saying, I even argued with him do you even love me when he demanded the abortion. His response was what does love have got to with it? He even lied to me when I asked him to.come to the firdr scan, saying that hes away where I can clearly see on his social media that he was home. Didnt even bother responding if he would come to the second scan ( he didnt come).

      I think at the point i have given up that he will do the right thing, and hoping is just cruel at this point.

      • Sorry the message got send through before I complete it.

        Thank you for your kind words, and I will try to work on myself. I think you are right. Life has beaten me so much into submission that Ive become someone who I thought I'd never become.

        Its been 8 weeks since I last messaged him with our child photos, and after receiving no respond. Ive decided to stop, and I don't think I will send him any pictures of my second child unless he asks himself. Although my mother thinks i should.

        I think in regards to him supporting me financially that will be somthing i will have to take. As my mum thinks its best if i move out once the baby is born for many reasons, and i agree with her. Its best if I started get used to living alone rather than depending on her and my siblings all the time. This is the least he can do if he refuses to support me in any other way.

        Please continue to remember me in your prayers.

        Thank you

        • Asalamualaykum Sister Mia,

          MashaAllah that is GREAT that you have not contacted him for 8 weeks! The longer you don't contact him, the more you'll realize you don't need someone like that in your life, and that you are not missing out on anything. If you need to contact him for a child support matter (which I agree with you he absolutely should be paying), keep your communication business-like and brief. Do not share with him your personal going-ons or that of the children.

          Living on your own will indeed give you peace of mind if you are able to do it. Inshallah you have time for just you and the babies and not have to deal with his toxicity.

          Keep on going my dear...the path to Heaven can be through hell sometimes...



    • I completely agree with sister Nor. The Prophet (sws) said, "The believer does not get bitten from the same hole twice." I don't blame you for marrying him or having a child with him, as you did not see what kind of man he was until later. But then, after being cheated on, rejected and becoming homeless, you made a choice to go back to this monster and have a second child by him. That is a choice that YOU made, and for which you are responsible.

      Now you want to get back with him so you can be bitten three times?

      You say you're wishing for one pregnancy where you could really enjoy it. Well, you are wishing for something that will never exist with this particular man. He has already shown you who he is - twice. He is cowardly, cruel, and irresponsible. Stop obsessing over what he thinks, how he feels, or whether he feels guilt or whatever. You cannot control what other people do, say or feel. But you can control your own choices.

      Wael Editor

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