Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Regretful and feeling lost after doing something very awful

Pregnant teen

Salamalaikum. I’ll Start of by saying I hope you don’t mind a bit of a read as it’s a bit long so I’ll try and keep it short. I am 20 years old and converted to Islam a few years ago. Everything was amazing, I felt free and liberated. Everyone congratulated me and welcomed me into Islam but no one actually stuck around to help. I tried to learn on my own but it was more difficult than I had anticipated. I then started to fall back into old habits (things I was familiar with before Islam) I felt guilty but I couldn’t stop my self. 

A few years down the line I rekindled a relationship from my past with a Muslim man. We love each other deeply and we decided to repent and start life on a clean slate as husband and wife. Everything was going well except the occasional fighting and arguments here and there. But at the end of the day he was encouraging me to learn how to pray and be a better Muslim so we can complete our deen and live happily as husband and wife. I fasted during Ramadan and tried my best with my prayers. But I could see he was getting frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t really finding it easy to learn. I was teaching my self but I understood where he came from and I could see he too was trying. When it came time for the nikkah we were both happy, but it was unfortunately postponed due to family issues arising. 

A few months later we had a huge fight and weren’t really speaking to each other. I had told him that we needed to sort the reasons we were always fighting and suggested things like getting elders involved so there is a less bias conclusion and we can openly talk. He didn’t agree with this. A few weeks passed by and he gave me the news that the nikkah has been arranged and all that was left was for me to attend! I wasn’t happy and not because I didn’t want to marry him but because we still had not sorted out our differences. I felt that starting a marriage in that manner would just get us downhill, But he was adamant that none of that would matter after the nikkah. But for me personally I said I don’t want to enter a marriage with unresolved issues still lingering. Which then made him give me an ultimatum of if you don’t marry me then we will never get married. This broke my heart because I felt conflicted. In the midst of anger I chose the latter which resulted in further destruction. 

A couple of months went by and he advised me that he had moved on, which i accepted even though I was hurt by what he had said, but in the moment of hurt and anger I committed zina with someone and as the result of this zina I am now bearing a child. I cry everyday and feel guilty everyday. I didn’t want this child but I couldn’t bare the thought of abortion. I did the deed and it’s not any fault of this innocent life that Allah swt has created. I had nightmares about what would happen. I decided that my fate has been chosen and deal with it. I am almost due. And a few weeks ago my old  partner had called and we talked and he asked if the rumours were true and I admitted it was. He also admitted that he had in fact not moved on and just said that to make me angry. But when we continued to converse I could sense the news seemed to break his heart but it broke mine more. Because I was telling the man that I deeply love and believe to be my soulmate that I was bearing a child even though we had repented and wanted to build a family together. He said he would be there as a friend but he is ignoring my calls now and I can’t blame him. But I just want to be married to him and forget everything that happened. I want him to forgive me and accept me. I’ve been thinking about adoption but I’m not too sure what the rulings are in regards to that.

My apologies this is really long but I have no where to turn to. I have no family or friends I only had him and I don’t anymore. I am alone and I just want to pray and I feel sad because I can’t even do that. I want to raise my child islamically but I want to marry the man that I was supposed to. 

I need advice what can I do ? 

Jazakallah in advance

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5 Responses »

  1. Asalamualayikum sister.

    Firstly rest assured that Allah is the almighty and most forgiving, if you repent to Allah and ask for forgiveness he will listen to you.

    What you have gone through is difficult but remember this pregnancy is a blessing and from the will of Allah regardless of the circumstances.

    When you will be presented with this baby you will forget any other ill feelings you are going through as right now you are alone and without support.

    The man you think you were in love with may not have been the right man for you and perhaps this situation you are in is the result of that. You have stated your nikah was postponed a number of times. Maybe this is the will of Allah.

    Sister right now you should be focusing on your child and if it’s help you need maybe go to your local mosque/ islamic center and see what help is available to you.

    A man in your life is not a priority for you right now, is there any chance you could speak to the biological father for some maintainance or is he uncontacble.

    Sister make dua and I pray your situation gets better, and your seek help from your community but this man you are seeking is not right for you and you shouldn’t contact him anymore.

  2. Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
    In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
    All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

    Dear brother in Islam, we commend your pursuit of knowledge and your keenness to seek what is lawful and avoid what is not. We earnestly implore Allah to bless your efforts in this honorable way.

    First of all, it is to be stated that adultery and producing a child out of wedlock is indeed a most enormous sin in Islam. However, a non-Muslim who embraces Islam should be assured of the promise of the Messenger of Allah who said, “Islam wipes out all of one’s past sins.” In other words, on becoming a Muslim every single sin you had committed in the past, no matter how enormous and ugly they were, will be blotted out, and thus once again you will become like a new born, and hence free of all sins. Furthermore, Allah’s infinite compassion is such that while, upon embracing Islam, you are absolved of all of your past sins, you carry over to Islam all of the good deeds you ever happened to do in the past: It is indeed a double mercy.

    Secondly, as for the child born out of wedlock, like every other child, he or she is born sinless; it does not carry the stigma of the sin of the father or mother or both. A basic principle in Islamic justice is that no one bears the blame for another’s fault. A child born as a result of an illegitimate relationship suffers no adverse discrimination on account of his parents’ sin.

    Responding to the question in point, Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi, former President of the Islamic Society of North America, states:

    “The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said that Islam removes the sins of the past. Since you accepted Islam,Inshaa’Allahyou will receive the forgiveness for your past sins.

    Since you acknowledge that those children are yours, you are their father and they are your children. They are not orphans as long as you are alive. If you want to take care of them, then you should do that, but if their mother wants them, that is acceptable.

    Most importantly, try to raise them as Muslims. Because this thing happened before Islam, these children will inherit from you if they are Muslims, but if they do not accept Islam, then they will not have the rights of inheritance from you. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said that a Muslim doesn’t inherit from a non-Muslim and a non-Muslim doesn’t inherit from a Muslim. However, you are allowed to give them a share from your will, which should not be more than 1/3 of your assets.”

    In this respect, the prominent Muslim scholar,Sheikh Muhammad Iqbal Nadvi, Imam of Calgary Mosque, Alberta, Canada, and Former Professor at King Saud University, Riyad, Saudi Arabia, adds:

    “The children born out of wedlock deserve all the care they need as children; thus you should provide them with all the requirements and elements to make them succeed in this life.

    They are not responsible for the past deeds of their parents. However, the attribution of the child’s name to the father is based on the acceptance of the father. If he approves of it, then he/she can be named after him.”

    You can also read:

    Children’s Rights: Islamic Perspective

    Necessary Tips for Raising Children Islamically

    Salaamu Alaikum, this question was posted by someone else to scholars In shaa Allah it'll help you.

  3. (Comment deleted)... Make a practical sensible decision, not an emotional one.

    • As-salamu alaykum sister abc. I removed the bulk of your comment as this was bad advice you gave. First, abortion is haram in Islam, though some scholars permit it in the first 16 weeks only. Second, you say, "its a haram child all together." I find this to be a disgusting expression. How can a human being be haram? Didn't Allah create that child? Are you saying Allah created something haram? The Quran says very clearly that no one can carry the sin of another. So the child is blameless and pure. The child is on the fitrah like all newborns. Please do not cast aspersions on an innocent. Of course the mother and child will face difficulties. But who is to say that this child will not be a great barakah for the mother? The child could be the best thing ever to happen to her. You do not know. In any case, the bottom line is that the child is the consequence of the mother's actions. The baby has a right to life and to fulfill its own destiny. If the mother cannot handle it, she can put the baby up for adoption or give it to a family member to raise for her.

      Wael Editor

  4. In my opinion, you need to stop seeking for validation, comfort and help in other people, especially men. Other people are not really responsible for your choices - I mean, I'm very happy for you that you found your way to Islam, but you can't use people's lack of help and attention as an excuse for not learning things quickly enough / going back to old habits. In life, you usually only get help when you actually ask for it. No one is going to babysit you voluntarily to make sure you are alright. People have their own problems, families and issues to worry about, you know.

    You are a mother now, your focus shouldn't be you and your love / sex life, but your child. Stop bouncing back and forth from a clearly incompatible, too complicated and dead-end man / relationship. I really don't think this man is someone you need or should marry - just cut contact to him already, and focus on taking care of your child. When you can't provide him or her with a proper family, the least you can do is to give him or her your undivided love and attention. Who knows, along the way you might find a man that doesn't play games.

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