Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I redirect my sister from zina towards righteousness?

Two sistersAssalamualaikum,

I’m a 17 year old Muslim girl who is having trouble educating my sister who is four years older than me and committing Zina, and I’m in dire need of some good advice.

This all started about 4 years ago I think, when she met her high school boyfriend. After graduation and having gone separate ways, I found out that they have been texting each other very explicit texts about intercourse and have been sending nudes.

When I confronted her about it the very first time, we stopped talking for a while (because she was mad at me) and she vowed to never do it again. Early this year, I found out that she is still doing it. I confronted her again and she promised to not do it anymore. Today, I once again found out that she’s still doing it and frankly, I have gotten tired of carrying this burden as I’ve never shared it with anyone except for my grandmother.

My household is pretty religious and such an act of Zina would never be accepted. However with that said, if I ever told my mom, all hell would definitely break loose and she’ll be furious (my mother’s very strict with those kind of things). As for my father, he is divorced from my mom because he himself committed Zina so I don’t talk to him at all anymore. My grandmother has tried to help me out with advising my sister on occasions, but with mine and my grandma’s soft approach, my sister is never going to change.

So my question is: What do I do and who do I talk to? I want to help my sister change and be a better muslimah, but she doesn’t seem to want to.

Also, if this helps, my sister is an adoptive sibling (though she doesn’t know it) and her biological mother (I think a Muslim too) had her at a very young age and out of marriage. So that might explain why my sister has a tendency to act immoral. But I want to end that.

Also, my sister prays normally and wears the hijab, so I don’t understand how she doesn’t understand the implications of her actions as we were both raised to be good muslims.

Thank you to anyone reading this. I really appreciate it.

- Fatima

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6 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Sister Fatima,

    MashaAllah... your sister is blessed to have a sister who is concerned about her on all levels, but on first and foremost her deen. May Allah reward you for this.

    I completely understand how you are taking this on as sort of your own "project." That's fine for a family member to do, as we all care for one another and are concerned with each other. But if you have had this information for awhile, it is probably weighing on you heavily...you need to get to the point where you know you've done everything you could and leave the rest to Allah.

    When you talk to your sister, don't accept the same answer that she will "stop." Tell her you've noticed that she always responds with the same answer but doesn't follow through, and that you need to see more follow-through. Explain to her that you are also hurting for her and want only the best for her. Do not allow yourself to get stonewalled by her evasive replies and keep prodding her. You are not being a nuisance, even if she doesn't like it.

    She may have no intentions of actually stopping, and only telling you this so that you don't tell your mother about it. So you should tell her that you've been carrying the weight of this knowledge for awhile and that you may feel the need to tell your mother if she doesn't stop. I know you don't want to actually tell your mother due to her being strict, but you have to weigh the pros and cons. Perhaps your mom should have her way with her because this has gone on for too long with little success or resolution.

    Tell your sister that because this promiscuity is against Allah's commandments, she herself will be dealing with the bad consequences very soon. These things have a way of coming out when Allah has not concealed them for one reason or another or has finished concealing them.

    If all else fails, remember that as much as family members love and care for each other, we are all answerable to Allah and are responsible for our own actions and deeds. Sure, we want to "rescue" each other from a bad situation, but enmeshment in each other's situations can be an unhealthy alternative. We should pray to Allah for His help, guide our fellow humans as much as we can do comfortably, know what our own limitations are, and have faith that the outcome will be as Allah has planned it.

    Hugs,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

  2. waalaikumussalam,

    I'm a 21 years old Muslim boy studying final year engineering.I also faced same problem with my younger brother. I have done 5 steps to overcome these problems as follow
    1. I starting Appreciate my brother in good things, be supportive whenever he needs me but my brother never tell the problems to me but somehow I will find it and solve it.i also tell that having a good friend is fine but in limits and tell about how satan trap the young generation in his trap. Then I will quote hadees to him saying that there is always a limit in each and every entity.
    2. Read Quran and hadees in front of him and tell her about the the prophets life
    3. I give minimum 3hours time to my younger brother saying about prophet s life,sahaba life and quoting some hadees verses.......
    4. I don't let him feel lonely because in that certain age(12-25yrs) the evil be inside him to commit zina so I have controlled him with . 12-25yrs age is very crucial I being an elder brother took responsibility of my brother and say him to pray 5 times a day with me if not I was compromising with him I mean if my brother was not in mood to read salah then I was telling him about hazarath Hassan/Hussain R. A waqiya/story of karbala
    5. I used to keep on understanding his thought in his mind and talking to my brother like telling brother what problem your facing tell me (in a very good manner) . Sometimes he hesitate to tell his problem then I will make him emotional saying that brother your the only one I love in my life I can't live without live without you.......
    ....,4years later....
    6. Alhumdulillah now he takes all the responsibility and listen only my words and idea in my home.

    I am continuing the above 5 steps from 4 years alhumdulillah now he is in right track.

    I used to pray for my brother and Muslim ummah to guide to the right path to all my siblings brothers and sister all around the world.

    NOTE: 12-25 these age is very crucial to control nefs and satan, these age is turning point of life
    Only teaching of Islam guide the right path to be successful in world and aakirath.

    In sha Allah if you do the 5 points in your daily routine your sister will understand you and live happily under shadow and the Guidence of prophets.....

    In sha allah , Allah will guide you.......

    Thank you
    Regards

    Shehzaan

  3. As Salam first of all you have to know that everything is from Allah...We can give advice make dua but final answer is from Allah! Complete success i both worlds is only in deen(faith) regardless how intelligent or how much money one has ...FACT. If I was telling my brother...i have to elaborate on the subject instead of a lecture. Looking at these evil because evil is present.Yes the devil is working 24/7 only to fulfill its purpose...1)MAKE YOU THINK OF EVERYTHING ELSE EXCEPT ALLAH. 2) make the heart black by committing the sin.....the heart is like a mirror that reflects...understand this.3) LOSE YOUR VIRGINTY...VERY BIG...THE MOST IMPORTANT.....THE DEVIL KNOWS .DESTROY HER SEAL WITH A STRANGER...REGARDLESS WHO HE IS....WITHOUT THE BLESSING ......YOU ARE CURSED....THE AVERAGE PERSON GOES THROUGH MANY RELATIONSHIPS....NOTHING IS GURANTE IN THE UNBELIEVERS WORLD....ITS JUST TALK AMONGST THEM....ALSO THE KIDS THAT COME ARE EFFECTED IN MANY Ways.As a male and a non Muslim who did modeling and had a high lifestyle..i can certainly say for all men...Men only think about one thing and thats with there private part...Regardless how much he says I live you etc..... or that kiss that stunned you.....It was in reality his shaitan...this is fact...So my sister I don't know what is your belief but if we look into the lifestyle of our prophet Muhammad s.a.w we will start to gain the true blessings and success as mentioned in the quran...It is not a easy thing alone unless you are in a environment of deen which the muslims are in need ....My advice show her this message but make 2 rakats and ask Allah to see the light.....Some pointers remember pray 5 times a day and daily read quran for peace and blessings and read at least one hadith for knowledge...eg . Body needs food soul needs food...so reading and getting involved with dawah or ladies group is beneficial.....lastly do zikr min Astagfir 100× durood 100× 3rd kalimah 100× morning and evening bare min...These are from the scholors ...most of all be patient .....good or bad be patient...Allah test who he loves....just like Yunus A.S in the belly of the whale for 40 days...Today people will sell there religion for success...and look the muslims are suffering in the world crying complaining...hmmm I wonder why? Be a representative and educated person so you can be an example a role model to others...thats my advice to my girls who want to be doctor's. My wife sunni scholor is there biggest hero! Make dua n stay safei

  4. just try to be her best friend, things will work out

  5. OP: Also, if this helps, my sister is an adoptive sibling (though she doesn’t know it) and her biological mother (I think a Muslim too) had her at a very young age and out of marriage. So that might explain why my sister has a tendency to act immoral........Also, my sister prays normally and wears the hijab, so I don’t understand how she doesn’t understand the implications of her actions as we were both raised to be good Muslims.

    I don't think her tendency to become immoral has any thing to with her mother. Immorality is not genetic. She learned every thing from her friends, family and Internet. Do you think your sister prays normally and wear Hijab is also inherited from her real mother. I think most people who look religious also do bad things like others. People who know your sister may think she is a good girl because she prays regularly and wear hijab. Kids who don't feel loved to to get love from outside.

  6. As-salamu alaykum sister. You are under some mistaken assumptions.

    First, this is not your burden to carry. From the Quran, Surat an-Najm, 36-42:

    "Or has he not been informed of what was in the scriptures of Moses, And [of] Abraham, who fulfilled [his obligations] - That no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another, And that there is not for the human being except that for which he strives, And that his effort is going to be seen, Then he will be recompensed for it with the fullest recompense. And that to your Lord is the finality."

    All you can do is advise your sister. After that, it is up to her. It is not your burden to carry, nor do you have the ability to change her. She is the only one who can make the change, with Allah's help. And do NOT expose your sister's sins to anyone else, as that would be a sin on your part.

    Second, whatever sins your sister commits has nothing to do with her mother. Again, from Surata An-Najm: "That no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another." So your sister cannot bear her mother's sins. And if she is adopted and does not know it, then it is not your place to disseminate this information.

    Lastly, and this is not related to your sister but to a comment you made, it is a mistake to cut off relations with your father. I understand that he committed a serious sin and broke up the family. I'm sure you have a lot of pain and resentment over that. But in time when your feelings of anger have lessened, you should try to re-establish contact with him. He is still your father. One day you will be a parent, and you will make mistakes. Not to the level of adultery of course, we seek Allah's protection from that, but still, you will certainly make some mistakes. Would you want your children to cut you off?

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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