Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My boyfriend left me and I can’t stop blaming myself

Woman alone

Dear brothers and sisters,

I am going through a very tough time in my life right now. I was in a sinful relationship for almost 4 years. We were planning to get married, even last year we were speaking about it and were both pretty serious.

However, there were numerous complications in the relationship. Firstly, I have graduated while he is still studying (He had a road accident which made him fall behind in his studies). To add to this, his mum wont let him marry until his elder sister gets married, and that hasn’t happened yet.

The whole of last year, I supported him mentally as much as possible through this tough time. But as I was sitting at home through the pandemic, I really wanted to do more with my life. So I got a job. It was my first proper job after graduating and my boyfriend was very supportive at first.

But after work, I was always exhausted and wanted some time to myself. He felt neglected by this. He even used to pick me up from work and because I wouldn’t hold his hand or be cute with him, he felt like I don’t love him anymore. Slowly, a gap started to form between us... he'd throw out comments about my job, saying I am always angry after work.

Through all of this, we started having small, petty fights. He hated me hanging out too much with my friends. He started saying I care more about them than him. All this made me feel very suffocated, and I started doing things I wouldn’t usually do, like smoking cigarettes and hanging out with friends as an escape. But even then, I would find myself giving in and listening to what he said.

Then before I knew it, his mum started throwing conditions at me. Telling him that she doesn’t want me to work after having kids, that she wants me to dress a certain way, that she thinks I am not friendly. My boyfriend argued with her but he also came and told me to start putting in more effort. For example, he told me to make food and take it over to impress her. But I told him that my family won't let me put this effort when we aren’t even married yet.

Then one day we had a huge fight about other people. It all boiled over and before I knew it he broke up with me. I tried to fix it in the beginning but he said he doesn’t feel the same anymore. He said ‘we are too different,’ just as his mother used to tell him.

Less than a month after our breakup, he started talking to another girl, posting pictures with her and saying he loves her! I also found out this girl is of his family's choice and she is very, very young and naive still.

It hurts me because for four years, I gave up a lot to meet him halfway. I always tried to push him to be more successful and independent but he started seeing me as the villain. In the end, he said I hurt him and took him for granted and neglected him. Now I can’t shove this feeling away that maybe it was my carelessness that led me here. Maybe if I had learnt to balance my job and also giving him affection it wouldn’t have ended. But also, is it even fair that during my most important time of life when I was trying to figure out my life, he couldn’t give me the space to do it?

On top of that, is it fair that his mother started telling him to rethink marrying me because she felt that we are too different, four years after already being with me? I am 27 and my parents' biggest fear is if I waste anymore time dwelling on this, I won't find a good suitor.

I try to remind myself that it was a haram relationship so nothing good would have come from it. But how can I get over this feeling of guilt and despair that maybe I should have been a better partner? I don’t want to take all the blame but he made me feel like its all my fault.


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5 Responses »

  1. Salam sister,

    You feel robbed and cheated because that's what happened. I'm sorry to say, but you only got yourself to blame. You have been warned on so many occasions and you've explicitly ignored red flags, and chose to continue this relationship. When you decided to continue this haram relationship you virtually removed the protection, the safety net that comes with a marriage. Now nobody can hold him accountable or ask him why because all he has to say is... She is not my wife. So he has no obligation to you.

    4 years down the drain and you're not getting any younger. Your option in quality men is decreasing because good quality men generally prefer a younger girl with little to no baggage. My definition of a good quality man is somebody who earns a good amount and is decent looking plus knows how to take care of his wife. Then as you go down on the quality you will find men lacking in certain areas.

    My advice for you is to quit crying and pick yourself up. Time is not waiting for you and the relationship market gets more volatile as you age. Do it the halal way this time and you won't go through a problem like that again. The guy had a toxic family anyway and no leadership in himself so you dodged a bullet. Guys like him are easy to find.

  2. As-salaamu alaikum.

    First of all, big hugs, whatever sins you have done, I know right now you're feeling really bad about yourself. But ...

    Think of this as a blessing in disguise, you're off the hook from a Mama's Boy who doesn't even have the responsibility to try working and earning money to save and plan your wedding/marriage. He's the Mama's Boy who doesn't have the gal to talk to your parents and make an honest woman out of you by marrying you and living with you honorably. Be thankful that you're off the hook from a man-boy like him. And also you're off the hook from a meddling future Mother In Law who (only Allaah knows), may not leave you in peace even if you married your ex.

    Next, please make a sincere taubah to Allaah subhaanahu was ta'ala, and open a new chapter of your life, under His Mercy, Blessings, and Forgiveness. Focus on bettering yourself and increase your iman. I know you're not getting any younger and you maybe worried about getting married, so you can start looking for marriage in a halal way. You DO NOT need to tell your future husband about your past sins, including about your past relationships, especially after you make taubah and repent sincerely.

    Forget about your ex, block his number and his social media. Keep away from him and his toxic behavior, and focus on finding your bright future with someone who can appreciate you the way you are --- as a precious Muslim woman --- who will live with you with honor and kindness in a marriage.

    • Sister,

      Beautifully stated MashaAllah


    • Walaykum assalam, sister.

      Thank you so much for your kind response. I really needed this. I am crying on the prayer mat everyday seeking repentance because I feel so ashamed and scared that I will no longer be worthy of a pious and good man, and that I will end up with someone who I cannot fully love. I guess this fear also comes with the fact that I am indeed not getting any younger. But I am trying my best to keep my faith in Tawakkul, as I know Allah knows best.


  3. "Less than a month after our break up, he started talking to another girl, posting pictures with her, and saying he loves her!"

    If he really loved you, then the above line isn't understandable.

    However, now as you both are separated, bear in mind that everything happens for good, just say Alhamdulillah and move on. If he was in your luck, then he wouldn't go to someone else. Would have married and stayed happily together.

    Brother Umm Abdallah has nicely said... 🙂


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