Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We had a relationship but he married another. How do I move on?


Assalamu alaikum,

I am a 28 year old woman, working at a university. Last Ramadan, during the lockdown, I started talking to a colleague about marriage. I had known this man for two years prior to that as a mentor, and I was drawn to his deen, his God-fearing nature. He is a haji. He reminded me of Allah. My mother heard of him and thought he was a good suitor. His mother and sister also asked him to consider me for marriage. We did Istikhara but couldn't interpret it. We just had a good feeling. So we involved the families about getting married, immediately.

His family liked me but were reluctant about my family, which is not as religious as they are. But he convinced them because for him, the girl's character was more important. I think of myself as a God- fearing woman, I try to do my hijab, but struggle to pray. But I wanted to get closer to Allah and I thought this way Allah was drawing me to Him. This man was drawing me closer to Allah, reminding me of Allah. His father told my father that they liked me and once the Co-vid situation improved, they should discuss further.

Our families accepted our reunion and we kept in touch. We prayed Tahajjud and made dua together. He taught me his knowledge of religion. He felt like my soulmate. But we started to transgress. He was certain we would marry and wanted to see my private parts and vice versa and masturbate...I would deny him but he would insist until I gave in. It was consensual after convincing. We made love over videocall. We started to fight over these and I would cry knowing we were sinning but every time we'd repent and I would forgive him. We are after all human and everyone makes mistakes.

I realize we sinned greatly. I failed to protect my chastity. I would tell him Allah would remove barakah. I felt like I was taking him away from Allah unintentionally. I didn't want to be the reason for his sins. When Co-vid situations improved, we met and got physically involved. I would hate it and say "no." He would try to respect my wishes but often failed and I couldn't fight back hard enough. I always found it in my heart to forgive for he would be my husband. We had no other problems between us. We understood each other. We had similar goals and ideologies and plans. We tried to remind each other of Allah.

Then our families sat down for the first time and decided to sit another day to finalize things. On the second sitting, the two families got in a fight, I wasn't present there but no one family was at fault. I blamed my family for the most part...they attempted to reconcile but not hard enough. His family declined to accept me. He asked me to runaway but I thought it haram to marry without a wali. I also didn't want to take him away from his family. We felt helpless and could not take a stand with either family. We wanted the blessings from both the families, afraid going against them would doom our marriage.

So we decided to let it go and try to remain friends. I know it was not a good decision. But I just couldn't leave him alone. I cared for him deeply by this point. I tried not to but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to leave him alone. He had no friends to support him. He could not let me go either. We continued to be friends but could not stop transgressing. We met at work and sinned. I believed he loved me deeply but was helpless. We tried to trust everything to Allah.

His family started to pressure him to get married. He would deny but they kept insisting. His mother was getting sick and she wanted to see him married before she died. I tried to remind him of Allah and give him strength. He was distraught and depressed. He was becoming sick himself. Finally he accepted his parents' wishes. They found a girl for him. I realized I could not be an audience to this. We could never be just friends. There would always be fitnah. I tried to distance from him. I felt abandoned and heart-broken.

Even in January when we met, he forcefully kissed me saying he loved me. I was truly shocked. But I still wanted to forgive him. Allah is the most forgiving...who am I not to forgive.? His marriage with the first girl didn't go through and he was happy about it. Following that his aunt came from Australia with a proposal of a girl and he got married to her on February 20th. On the 18th when we talked, he was crying and asking forgiveness. It felt like he was being forced but only Allah knows the truth. I didn't know what to say. Not once could I ask him to not get married.

Now he's married to someone else. He went ahead with it. I feel empty. There's not one person I can blame. I am trying to accept this is Allah's decree. But it is still very hard to think how he'll love someone else the way he loved me. Today at work, he handed me his wedding invitation. I accepted because there were other colleagues who don't know about us. It breaks my heart everyday. I wish I had more time to move on. I wish I didn't have to see him get married in front of my eyes. I know I have made my share of mistakes. I just can't stop feeling wronged.

I want to believe he's not that cruel and it's not easy on him. He didn't enter this marriage in the right mindset. But it doesn't make moving on easy. He moved on. He's in a sacred marriage now and I would never want to jeopardize that. I will stay as far from him as possible. I feel like I wasn't good enough. I feel angry that his parents are certain this is good for him and I wasn't. I always remembered: maybe you love something that is bad for you and maybe you hate something that is good for you. But would that not apply to his parents?

I want to forgive everyone and move on. Trust Allah's plan. But it's hard. I do not want to wish them ill but part of me wonders "what if this doesn't work out?" I like to believe he will give his best. I still think he can be a good husband to this girl. But he would also be devastated if it didn't go well. I feel guilty for thinking of their failure. I am trying to pray for his peace and happiness. I also feel guilty about talking about my sorrow to people, afraid I would unconsciously be backbiting. Part of me wants them to regret this decision. But I don't want to feel like that. I would never wish him harm. If it were possible, I would always support him through thick and thin but that is not permissible. What can I do to move on?

I do not know how I could ever trust a man again. I thought I was doing it the right way involving the family but we fell into sin. I have to keep working with him and pretend that I'm ok. Think of him being happy while I hurt. I doubt if my pain is even valid? I just want to stop thinking of the past and future involving him. Did I do something to deserve this? Was I not wronged? Indeed I have wronged myself. I feel like it was wrong to not run away, not disobey his parents. I feel like being kind, forgiving, loving... caring on my part was a mistake.

I didn't have enough knowledge to handle this situation. May Allah forgive us all. I ask Allah to mend our hearts. I can't but entertain the idea "what if Allah gives us a second chance?" I do not want to cast an evil eye on their marriage. Allah knows best. How do I move on from the dreams we built together? The dreams that he will now share with someone else? I cannot seem to hate him. I can't think of him as a bad person. I keep defending him. How do I get past this and stop hoping for a life with him still?


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8 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Sister Aurpa,

    I'm sorry for your suffering and your feeling of longing for him. May Allah calm your heart and enter you into contentment with your situation.

    You have forgiven him enough, as you state that several times in your post. Do you forgive yourself? Because that is just as important. I'm not sure how much of this problem you are attributing to him versus yourself...but both of you are human and thus imperfect.

    You write: I cannot seem to hate him. I can't think of him as a bad person...How do I get past this and stop hoping for a life with him still?

    You can't help your feelings. You felt like you really loved this man, and there is no need to think of him as a "bad person." That's how many people "cope" with every loss in their life--to just say that thing was bad--but it's not necessarily healthy, realistic, or educational to think that way. The reality is that like all people, your love interest had good and bad qualities. To get past it, you will have to continue to live life to the best of your capability, and perhaps one day, you will find that you no longer think about him so much or at all.

    I don't think it's productive to wish that he and his current wife separate in your favor. If you are truly pining for this man to no end, then perhaps think about suggesting plural marriage to him, and being his second wife. Would that be acceptable to you? Of course it may not be ok with him or his current wife, but that would be a good way to "test" if his feelings for you were real. Suggest it and see what his reaction is. If he withdraws from you, you have your answer, and it will be easier for you to move on...problem solved. I'm glad that you are at least giving him space now, because while he is married, it would be wrong to have any kind of relations with him in private or for the purpose of advancing your romantic relationship.

    Moving on is a lot easier when you have a "clean break" than when you still carry hope for the person in your heart and mind. I mean, you could wait and see if his marriage "works out," but that is a very hard place to be in and you would potentially carry feelings of guilt.

    It is not easy sister, but I think in your situation, you need to think practically and solution-wise. Inshallah when you do that, reality will sink in and you will realize that his actions speak louder than his words, and that he is off the market at this time.



  2. I don’t understand how you kept saying that you guys both are god fearing and remind each other to get closer to Allah....but yet keep being physical. This is not how Islam works. You keep repenting but then keep sinning for pleasure. Look this guy isn’t for you. All the negative things that are happening between your families, him transgressing, and married to someone else are signs that he wasn’t the person for you.

  3. (Deleted comment).

    • Salam.

      Your advice is poor. She came here for help and guidance, not to be mocked. And telling her to quit her job is not practical, how else would she find another job in this pandemic? And yes, she should have cut all contact with this guy and take this as a lesson. Doesn't matter how righteous he is or how much he knows about Islam, the protocols always remains the same and nobody has special permission.

  4. Dear Sister,

    I hope and pray that as the days go by, you are finding ease and are feeling better. I know that everything feels like an absolute mess at the moment. But trust that better days are coming. Sometimes the pain makes no sense. But Allah is surely the best of planners.

    The best advice that I feel I can give you is to focus on yourself for a while. Reconnect with Allah. Establish a one-to-one connection with Him. Engage in Istighfaar, dhikr, reading Quran, honing your Tawakkul in Allah and making dua. Don't shy away from making the most impossible duas and ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you only and that if ever your plans are not aligned with His Qadr, that He comfort you and give you the strength to overcome the difficulties.

    Now is certainly the time to focus on yourself as an individual. You can journal your feelings. It helps a lot with having a clear mind and understanding how you truly feel. Talk to friends and family if that brings you ease. Build yourself up again.

    Find comfort in the fact that what was meant for you, will never miss you and that what misses you, was never yours to be, in the first place.

    There is this quote by Imam Sahl ibn 'Abd Allah al-Tustari that says "The time that Allah gives you is the most precious thing of all that you have been given, so use it for the most precious of things." You have a whole long life ahead of you and like you said, you don't want to be attached to the past or the future that you imagined with him, use the time that you have at hand, to live. Live simply and beautifully, while being mindful of Allah at every step. In Sha Allah, everything will be just fine, no matter what is written for you my dear sister.

    I pray that you find ease.

  5. As things looks Messy now and getting involved further in his married life will make it more complicated .
    There is no option other than forgetting and moving ON . It might be difficult to find new job easily but try getting new job and if you get new job , please move out of this place .
    As he was physically involved with you so there are more chances that after few years when he is bored with his regular life he might come back to you and agan he will invite you towards same sinful and haraam life .
    Suppose if you get married with other man and this guys comes back in your life again , you have more chances of making messing everything once again .
    Only solution is , you need to convince your mind that this was the worst person who entered in your life and you have to move out of it completely and never return back .

  6. Aslkm,
    I have one question which is making my life hell. Actually I was in relationship from 8years so I thought to convert it into halal. So I got married her with my 2friends as witness in 2019. After that I told everythng to my parents and she too as well..but this month she got married to another guy without khula with me is it haram for her n as well as for me too? Was my nikah valid ?bcz my intention was good n true and Allah knows can I make her understand bcz I loved her alot.

    • Asalamualakum Brother,

      Please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer it in turn, Inshallah.


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