Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I have sex with a man I’m only with for citizenship?

Insecurity

Asalam aleykum Warahamatullah Wabarakatuhu

Thank you for providing this platform, May Allah bless your team immensely

Please, I am in dire need of your help, my story is long, please, kindly take time to read through so you can understand where I was coming from to be able to advice accordingly.

I am a lady of 36. While growing up in my teenage years, I had many girlfriends and some of my girls had boyfriends at the tender ages of 13, while some were a bit older before they got into boyfriends relationships, i ALWAYS had TOO MUCH guys on my case asking for relationships to the extent of some going to my parents asking for my hand in marriage at a very young age, but I never allowed peer pressure, felt intimidated, or deterred myself from my decency of being my good self until i got to the age of 22 years in my university second year. I had my very 1st boyfriend at 22, my mum knew about him & he disvirgin me.

About few months into my relationship with him, my mum realized he was a Christian while I was from a strong Muslim background. I knew he was more of a Christian, though his father was a muslim while his mother was a Christian. I decided to date him with the intention of converting him to Islam but my parent and siblings frowned at our relationships and warned me never to see him again. My father was always giving out my elder sisters hand in marriage to people he chooses and not people they wholeheartedly wanted and this seems to be family culture, but I never would allow anyone to do the same to me.

It was a difficult situation for me because that was my very first relationship after patiently waiting till I turned 22 years. Eventually, I got pregnant from him and I went through hell with my family. I was never allowed to marry him, so I left my family, moved out of the house, and stayed with someone related to him. After I had my baby, I went back to my family because I was told my mum had been terribly worried and crying because I was her favorite--everyone knew that--and she felt betrayed and disappointed. I finally succumbed to her and promised to do all she ever wanted because I loved her so much too.

I broke up with the guy, and was never interested in any relationship again. I focused on taking care of my baby, finish my degree, and started up a business.

My baby was about a year and half then a muslim guy from our family friend came asking for my relationship, started coming to our house frequently, and everyone quickly accepted him. I, however, never liked him. I would not attend to him anytime he comes visiting but my mum would entertain him and all my siblings started giving him more attentions. I told them all I never liked him and I told him too but he was persistent and would always bring stuffs for my baby and said he would accept her and be a good father to her.

I finally accepted just to make my mum happy, we dated and 1 year into our relationship, he proposed and marriage planning started. I told everyone I didn't want an elaborate wedding but mum refused because my younger step-sister just got married and she wanted my wedding to be elaborate too. Of course, I ended up doing it her way.

Less than 1 year into our marriage, my husband started complaining that I wasn't showing love to him and I truly was not in love with him and i couldn't fake it. Emotionally, financially, sexually, he was not satisfying me. For almost 12 years, he would NEVER spend or take care of anything personally on me except for my hospital bills when sick/after birth. I stopped complaining and started seriously asking him for sex but he would never do it. I missed it so much from my 1st relationship so I resorted to watching porn and masturbating.

Then I found out he was cheating on me with 3 of my housemaids. I felt so broken, betrayed, shattered. He was always promising me it would never happen. But I have always had high profile individuals on my case, so I finally accepted to cheat on him too. I cheated on him at some point but my conscience wouldn't allow me rest. I  stopped, seeked forgiveness and promised never to do it again.

Seven years into our marriage, I have had 2 kids. Plus my 1st daughter which he wholeheartedly adopted. But our marriage seems never to be working good, neither my business, nor his business. I consulted and was told his mother is a witch with the black magic(Astagfirullah) and that she was behind our bad luck! I went through hell, I almost died of ectopic pregnancy twice and I was completely tired of the marriage and I asked him for divorce.

We would argue, fight severely, and he would always promise to make it work, but things never seems better mentally, psychologically, emotionally, financially and sexually.

I relocated to the United States with the kids, and he came to join us a month after and things got worst than ever. We had the most heated arguments and he was going to beat me (he hit me once within 1 yr of our marriage). I moved out of the house with the kids, he sat down and watch me pack all my things and he hugged his 2 kids and watched our truck drive off.

Four days later, he started calling, texting, crying to my sister to beg me. My kids wouldn't allow me to sleep all night because they kept crying for him...I was mentally draining, and found myself going back home to him 1 week after he pleaded guilty and promised again we would be ok, things will be fine....

Six months ago when I decided to sit him down to talk deep with him, I felt relieved afterwards and I wholeheartedly decided to make our marriage work. In my 13 years of dating and marriage relationship with him, I finally reached orgasm during sex twice with him, which just happened 4 months ago.

We do not have our legal papers in the United States, so we paid for arranged marriage. I was now legally divorced in the States with my main husband but we still lived together and the whole family understands we were only divorced for papers. He started before me and the pictures he took with the lady shows he most likely had slept with the girl.

He sometimes told me he never promised me that he won't sleep with anyone, he told me he is a Muslim and he can decide to marry a second wife if he chooses to. He practically told me he would sleep with her (arranged wife) if that is his only way out to get his legal status! That broke my heart again and I never wanted or even enjoyed sex with him anymore. I asked him what will happen to me if the guy helping me too asked for sex and he said I am left to decide for myself but for him, he wouldn't hesitate any situation to get he's permanent citizenship.

In less than a month that I got married (arranged for citizenship) to this guy, he said he is attracted to me. I am just a good looking lady, I wouldn't say I am that pretty but i sometimes get frustrated at how I always attract most men...I get too much attention on me.

This guy made it so real to his family that I am his wife! He never told them that he was paid to do this and it was an arranged marriage. He has been asking me for sex, and I really want to feel like a woman again. I want to get what I have missed for almost 14 years, but i told him "no"..."strictly business." However I will be legally married to him for the next 7-10 years until I get my passport, so I doubt if i can avoid not having sex with him. I am afraid of him changing or not complying with all the citizenship paper agreements, arrangements and interview date absences if i keep denying him.

I dream alot and most cases, it does comes to pass. When I see myself climbing stairs, whatever I planned on doing will eventually be successful, but when I see myself descending down the stairs or almost falling from a higher level, its always a negative sign or something will eventually go wrong.

He has asked me thrice, I kept turning him down. The night I thought of accepting, I dreamt Iwas almost falling off a very high level.

I am so confused, disturbed and getting too mentally frustrated. Should I have sex with him?

I don't want to loose my marriage especially for the sake of my kids, and am afraid that if I sleep with him, he might want me completely. Life has been so horrific without legal status in the US, with Trump immigration issues.

SHOULD I SLEEP WITH HIM?????

Please, kindly advice.

Thank you and May Allah continue to be with you all.

Abbie

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8 Responses »

  1. This whole illegal marriage you're doing is haram. And you certainly can't fornicate with someone who isn't your husband. Doesn't matter how legitimate it looks because it's still fake and never done correctly. The fact you thought about having fornication for legal documents shows the respect you have for yourself which is low and so is your iman . And you get a lot of male attention because you don't wear your hijab properly.

    The guy's intention was never to help you out. It was to use you. The moment you give a little the more he will want and then you will find yourself being blackmailed, having to engage in acts you never wanted to do etc. This is why we have marriage for a reason. To protect us from these kind of evil. What you have done is removed the protection and opened your body for violation. Get out before he begins.

    Don't sell yourself for a Citizenship

  2. OP: This guy made it so real to his family that I am his wife! He never told them that he was paid to do this and it was an arranged marriage. He has been asking me for sex, and I really want to feel like a woman again. I want to get what I have missed for almost 14 years, but i told him "no"..."strictly business." However I will be legally married to him for the next 7-10 years until I get my passport, so I doubt if i can avoid not having sex with him. I am afraid of him changing or not complying with all the citizenship paper agreements, arrangements and interview date absences if i keep denying him.

    SVS I am sure you are sending him signals, you may do it. Deep down you seem to want it badly too. He can easily blackmail you and make you do any thing he wants

  3. Assalam

    I agree with brother Ahmed Hassan. As a man he is able to understand from a male point of view what this fake citizenship facade husband of yours is intending. As for your supposedly actual husband with whom you have had Nikah, he is the only one you should have any physical relations with and the same applies to him.

    Your actual husband has sold himself, has broken his covenant with Allah by having disgusting physical relations with another woman outside of nikah. What's the difference between him and a pimp?

    Please do not do the same to yourself, have basic self respect. Whether you continue your marriage with your actual husband after what has done and said is your choice, may Allah help you and ease the difficulty of your situation and May HE guide you to the right path.

    Physical relation outside marriage is a great big sin. Please do not take it lightly.

    As a woman i can tell you dear sister, we always get "too much" attention from men because in the current world men are programmed to want women who are forbidden for them. It's a sad state of affairs.

    Please get advice from a local imam or someone who cares for you. I fear for your and your children's safety. Fake marriage for a visa is not acceptable and haram Also 10 years is a very long time, i think you have placed yourself in a dangerous and messy situation. Whatever you do don't sleep with the fake husband.

  4. Astagfurullah

    what world are we living in..

    I’m sorry but I feel sorry for you and your so called husband..,

    If you read carefully what you wrote yourself, you will find an answer to your predicament. Marriage is a sacred contract please keep it that way..by no mean I’m in a position to judge you.
    I’m not judging you. Allah knows best.

    PleaseRead Quran and understand. There are hadees, on contract marriages like Mutta men used to do which ourProphet Sallalaho Wassalam, (Peace be upon him)forbade.

    You want to stay in a “divorced “marriage for the sake of your children what will children learn from all this? What ever you decide NOW will effect your and your children’s future “what you sow, so you shall reap”

    May Allah guide you to make the right decision. Do isteqarah, InshAllah

    Forgive me if I sound harsh.
    May Allah forgive me.

    • Bro if anything feel for the kids because they are the products of two incapable humans.

      I don't blame the mother as much as the father because the mother was screwed by the men who had authority in her life. She never got the love from her father was supposed to give.

      She needs the harsh words because this woman is committing sins like its a free market. And I bet you lowkey she likes the idea of sleeping with the man. So far she got kids with 2 different men and maybe a 3rd. The first father not even part of his child's life.

      Please tell me brother why this woman should be taken lightly? She is damaging her kids, her soul and dignity.

  5. I can't believe what I just read. You're husband is a disgrace to himself and his deen if he allowed you to 'pretend' to be married to someone else. He's thrown you out there at the mercy of some guy and he's enjoying himself with his new wife.

    In the mean time you have to fend of this other man that is now pestering you. Between these two idiots, I can't see things going well for you. Neither one is looking out for your interests.

    I'm sorry I don't have advice for you, I'm not sure of the immigration system there, but you need to look long and hard at if this is working out for you and your kids or not.

    • Any relationship other than Nikah is Haraam in islam..there is no time limit in marriage like after getting citizenship u can go bak to your real husband..this is business not marriage..the new guy is just using u.....plzz stay away from him..and wot ur real husband did is also Haraam...after comitting haraam he said he is a guy and can have another wife...islam allows men to have 2nd wife (under certain situation/condition )but islam does not support porn!!......because he did not hav nikah with the lady he slept..
      So plzz dont drag urself to haraam...May Allah give u the strength 2 overcome ur pain...may Allah forgive u as well as every muslims ..Ammeen ya allah.

  6. Any relationship other than Nikah is Haraam
    U r only supposed 2 hav sexual relationship with your husband...there is no short term wedding in islam like staying with a person for citizenship or sumthg likdat...and ur real husband says dat hes thinking of another wedding as he has ri8 in islam 2 get married again....islam allows men to have another wife (with certain conditions)..but islam doesnt support porn!! .....what ur husband did is v wrong.... but plzz dont make dat mistake with dis guy ..he is juzt using u plzzz trying 2 understand ..may Allah ease ur pain and giv u happines.

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