Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Family and study commitments mean I can’t get married yet…

Muslim woman studying, books, school

I'm a 22 year old Pakistani Muslimah, pursuing her medical education passionately but sometimes it becomes extremely hard to ignore the craving for having the "other half". My circumstances imo won't permit me as you can see, to marry early! I have to complete my medical education which will take some more years. If I marry at this stage, it would become extremely hard for me to continue studies as the husband would demand his rights, want me to do house chores, cooking, live with his family etc.

And I can't give up the medical profession as this is my "identity"! This is the one of those things which make me feel better about myself and earns me respect from people. It's more of a psychological issue and also coming out of a lot of empathy to serve people!  I've known what its like feeling helpless, worthless and unloved ! So now in this way I would at least be making a difference in the world and would earn Allah's reward!

But education aside, the real issue is that of my divorced mother. We don't have a brother. Mother's brother (my uncle) is nice to us but he would not look after her in old age. My mother has dedicated her entire self to me!  Being a single parent, I've seen her getting shattered completely at one moment and then next moment picking up courage for her little kids and facing the struggles of life and playing brave! So after my marriage, she would all be alone! She is a working lady herself, so doesn't require financial assistance (alhamdulillah) . The whole idea is of "being there" for her and save her from isolation and loneliness. What if  she gets sick or who will cook for her everyday? I'm her entire world and what would be left if I leave her too! I know daughters can pay "visits" to parents house after marriage but is this ALL I could repay her back with after all her struggles and selfless love for me and making me into what I'm today!? If I would have been her son, I would have requested the wife to live together. But being in Pakistan there is a stigma attached if the wife keeps her parents with her or help them. Also even my mother wouldn't agree to live with me as she has a lot of self respect.

These issues really send me in to thinking and cause me stress. I keep telling myself that I've responsibilities to full fill and should be stronger and shouldn't crave for a "companionship" more so because my life is different than the normal girl's life with a divorced mother. But still I end up wanting spouse badly sometimes. Also I don't even know whether I would have that many marriage proposals  because we don't have that many family ties, and I'm also very religious in approach in that I don't chat or message "non-mahrams" and even in my university, I remain isolated ( because I've turned out to be an introvert and don't have many friends). And the spouse's family might not like the idea of "divorced" parents as well.

So should I seek marriage and how and where or not or delay it for a long time?

There is also one more issue. As said before, that I really desperately wants to get a companion (I would be alright with just the nikah and "rukhsati" we can do latter if my mother agrees).  All I want is to focus on ALLAH solely and make HIM my goal. But right now, I'm all the time preoccupied with making prayers to Allah to grant me a hubbie. So after marriage, at least this would get settled and then I can concentrate on other issues and use my energy and the intelligence given to me in Allah's service, for fellow creatures! :'( Right now my whole personality is getting affected. My studies get affected too. I think after getting emotionally stable I CAN really work even harder and can do even better! :'( And I won't be this sad person anymore insha Allah.

I know many good islamic brothers in my university like me. Its just so crystal clear that they do maybe because of my Islamicity (Alhamdulillah).

  1. But they don't approach me,  and I don't know how to encourage them in a halal way to send me proposals!
  2. Also I don't even know whether they like me to this much extent as to marry me. How on earth would I know that?
  3. I don't want to join online matrimonial sites, as I want real, approachable people around me, those whom I've observed and know a little about. But amongst these brothers, I really don't know who will be suitable for me! Otherwise if I had just someone as perfect as Rasool Allah, I would have sent proposal myself like Hazrat Khadijah! All these brothers are really very nice and islamic (based on the little I know of them), but I myself can't send proposal because I don't even know WHOM should I send it to! I asked Allah to give me some sign. How would I know which of them would be better for me and my family? If I just get this answered, I'll send proposal myself because all I care about is "Taqwa=God consciousness". I'm not a materialistic person. Allah has made me learn how to live on my own and be strong alhamdulillah!  I don't care about money, all I want is love, respect, MERCY, "ehssan" and friendship from the hubbie and want him to be like a son to my mother! :'(  So if any of those brothers in my university are poor, I can still adjust. Just want to know who would be better for me and who to approach?

I constantly pray to Allah to grant me more patience and make me stronger! I would really appreciate your responses and any duas you people can recommend to increase myself in patience and have inner peace?

Mewkie

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10 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alikuim sister

    I m sorry to hear how u are going through with ur mom and ur situation here and I must say that u r very strong person that u being with ur mom and trying to suppress ur feelings of getting married to and the only solution is make lots of dua for urself as Allah is only one that helps u but if u want to get done with ur nikah only well I know some religious brothers if u want I could help u sister, as i know them personally. And I m a sister in case u might think I m male who's commenting this .

    Sister we all will remember u in our prayers and others who are going through difficult situations in life

    Jazak Allah Khair

  2. OP: but sometimes it becomes extremely hard to ignore the craving for having the "other half"........ it would become extremely hard for me to continue studies as the husband would demand his rights, want me to do house chores, cooking, live with his family etc.

    So you feel lonely and think a man in your life will make your life happy and complete. Try to find a match who will let you continue your studies without requiring you to cook and clean and live with his family, You can even find a man who may be willing to live near your mom or in your mom's house. There is nothing wrong with living with mother in law who is alone.

    You say "So after marriage, at least this would get settled and then I can concentrate on other issues and use my energy and the intelligence given to me in Allah's service, for fellow creatures! :'( Right now my whole personality is getting affected. My studies get affected too. I think after getting emotionally stable I CAN really work even harder and can do even better! :'( And I won't be this sad person anymore insha Allah."

    Marriage may not change your personality. Keep working on your issues. Your thoughts control how you feel.

    You can use matrimonials to meet also. It can be from your mother like "mother seeking a groom for her daughter". You never know you may meet some one from area where you live.

    Do you say salam to "good Islamic brothers in your university"? Do you small talk with them?
    Unless people know that you are single and available, approachable how they are going to contact you?

  3. If you get a proposal in the future, then you can make it one of the terms of the marriage that your mother live with you. She can help with the grandchildren also. A decent understanding muslim man will not force you to abandon your mother. The other option would be to speak to your uncle and ask if your mom can live with him after your marriage.

    At the moment, I also think you are concerning yourself with the "what-ifs". No one knows how the future will unfold. Living in Pakistan, your extended family should be seeking "rishta's" for you. Or, maybe a classmate will show an interest in you. When you begin working as a doctor you might find that your male colleagues are interested in you. Who knows.

    But you are very right to be worried about your mothers well-being. I commend you for that!

  4. I think it's a good idea to pass a few/most years of Uni before getting married. Marriage is hard work and while lots of people manage to go to school and maintain a marriage, I'm sure none of these people will claim it's an easy thing. Medical school is hard enough as it is, there's no need to add more difficulties on yourself by taking a husband and a household you don't have the time and energy for. And by no means quit your education in order to be a wife! We live in a world where it's ALWAYS useful to have some sort of education and skill to fall back on IF things in a marriage deteriorate. That happens A LOT, and one needs to always take that fact into account when entering a marriage. Even though it's not very romantic and nice to think about the fact a marriage COULD end up in a divorce. One can simply not ever rely on being financially looked after, though it is a woman's Islamic right. So I strongly suggest you stay focused on your studies, for now.

    I think a lot of people mistakenly think marriage is one specific thing, and that getting married means giving up your own family and friends. That is simply not true. Marriage is what you make of it, so when people do in fact cut contact to their families and friends, in order to devote themselves completely to their spouses and in-laws, it's actually their own choice to do so.But you don't HAVE to make that choice. It's important for you to accept that you need to keep your mother very engaged in your life. It doesn't mean you have to live with her, be with her 24/7 and require of a husband that she should be the 3rd party in your marriage. It just means you should let a potential spouse know about your situation and be honest with him about not wanting to live a life where you are far away from her and/or don't get to see her on a daily basis. You could live only 10-20 minutes away from her, see her as often as you like (and even invite her to come to your's!), yet still have the privacy that a married couple should have.

    Personally, I think it is important to make family and friends a priority when one gets married. I hate it when people change and become completely different and intolerable people after they get married. Not only to their friends, but even to their own parents and siblings. That's disgusting. It's like showing the people that care about you that they were only important to you as long as you had no spouse. Yet, when their marriages go wrong they complain that they have no one to help them. The audacity! Friends and family are not anyone's unconditional right. They are only going to be there if you are giving back to them. So please, when you do get married, sister, do NOT forget about your mother 🙂 If a man expects you to become his and his in-laws 'property', and he gives himself the authority to decide when and where you can see your family, refuse his proposal. Simple as that.

    I recently got engaged myself, and one of my fears were the exact same ones you have. Except, I have a big family that I would love to keep close contact to. Thankfully, there ARE men out there who completely understand the concept of family and friendship bonds and they won't ever expect you to give those up for him and HIS family.

  5. As Salaam Alaikum my sister in Islam,

    I had some thoughts while reading your post and first wanted to share those. Based on whatever I understood of you from this post, May Allah grant me a daughter with all the good and even better in the future. Ameen ya rabb. May Allah help your mother, I believe she has raised you very well, Alhamdulillah.

    I do not have much answers for you except, keep asking to Allah, he is Ar-Razzaq, the provider and sustainer. Also, you are on the right path, you are being tested and you are doing your own jehad, to help your mom, to help the community, to find a righteous spouse. Irrespective of whatever happens, remain steadfast on this path. May Allah bless you, your mother and grant you a righteous spouse and provide you ease.

    As Salaam Alaikum

  6. As Sister.
    There's one thing that I want to advice you with and that is tawwakul, trust in Allah.None of us know where life will take us but we find peace in knowing that Allah is the best of planners and he will always give us what's best. Be strong sister and constantly make dual to Allah.

  7. Assalaamualaikam

    Medicine is an amazingly rewarding vocation, and I think it can be hard for some people to fully understand how central it is to the lives of people who go into that field - so when you do start looking for a spouse, make sure that they are supportive and understand how important your work is to you. The lifestyle of a junior doctor isn't the most conventional one, so the spouse of a junior doctor needs to be able to accept that there will be late nights, shift work, times that plans need to be rescheduled, etc.

    I know people who have got married during university, during their training, and even people who have left it until they're established as GPs and consultants. I don't think there's a right or wrong approach, I think it depends on you as an individual. If you feel that you are ready to look for a spouse, then don't feel you have to wait if you don't want to.

    As for going about looking for a suitable spouse, you could speak with your mother to see if she knows any friends with suitable sons, and if your mother is supportive of the idea, you could speak with a few sisters at university - they might have relatives you could consider - or even with a female representative of your university's Islamic society (if you have one), to see if they can suggest any names. I think it's sensible of you to be wary about online matchmaking sites.

    Another thing to consider is, who is your wali? Your wali is your closest male Muslim relative, so whoever that is should be involved in helping you and your mother with the process of looking for a spouse. By involving him as well, you can inshaAllah keep things halal and avoid risking overstepping Islamic boundaries.

    Be clear in your mind what you are looking for in a potential spouse, and consider what things you would be prepared to compromise on. It might help to make a list of things you feel are essential, such as: deen; kindness and respect towards your mother; support of your training and career... You can then discuss these issues prior to marriage and make your views clear. For example, if you would want your mother to live nearby or to have the option of moving to live with you in the future, tell the brother how important this is to you.

    MashaAllah, you sound very dedicated to your mother and your deen. May Allah reward your efforts with a pious husband who will support and respect both you and your mother.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  8. Hi Dear,

    These are the thoughts that i would like to share to you and it's up to you if you take it with a nice happy feelings. I am also a woman and a carreer oriented too. My mom is also a single mom "widower". I finished college and graduated in Bachelor of Science in Computer Science and now working in some popular hotels in the world as accounting officer. During my college days, I do not worry about having a hubby for my future. What I do is concentrating on my studies and be able to get as much higher grades as I can. I just enjoy it and enjoy the life I had in every situation. I have many friends (boys and girls) and I have a lot of suitors, guys offering their love, doing proposals and arranged, but I don't take it because I am concentrating with my studies. Well, maybe that's the effect of being beautiful. When I finish college at age of 23, I have no guy in my life but still surrounded with guys offers, but just ignore it. I started working in some companies, I enjoy it, I experienced being an executive, an officer, being the boss and etc. and it feels good. When I reached 25, I feel in love with a guy and he is very understanding, handsome and loving. He is a doctor and his family is a noble one. We got married, we built our own house near to my mother's house, we both work, and we have servants to take care of the household chores and to take care of our baby. We visit mother frequently or even send her a lot of food almost thrice a week, or even she visited us and stay in house for 2 to 3 days sometimes and play with our baby.

    Well, all I can say to you dear is don't get worried, just be who you are now, enjoy and love it. Be beautiful, be friendly and open minded and have self control..and you will see the difference. And you will be starting to have those many many many guys looking at you and you will be confused whom you will choose...Just be careful....and put it on our mind "finish your study first".

    Loving you my dear,

    Angela

  9. Nikah is easy...im a guy I als I wanted this...but sis just tell ur family to find right guy who fits ur lifestyle maybe u bith cn study and be married...I dont see why it has to fit inside the box...tht u cant marry and study well..imagine u both study and be partners?

    Islam advise is marry young if possible lol.
    Invite me to ur wedding

  10. Jazakumullahu khairan sisters and brothers for taking out your precious time for me. I'll do all that is suggested i.A and will try to be patient.
    Duas for all of you!

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