Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He doesn’t deliver on promises. I’m at a crossroads

Who will marry me?


Hope this message finds you in the best of health and iman.

I do not know really where to start, but I recently left my husband. I had been married for 6 years and have 2 beautiful children.

I recently became very ill (coronavirus) and have since been evaluating my life and choices. I have had issues in my marriage as every couple does but the illness made me realize my worth and the lack of concern from my husband was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I have written on here many times with issues regarding in-laws and my husband and his relationship with his family members, especially with his mother and that I have always been caught in the crossfire.

Furthermore, it was a marriage out of choice which makes me question a lot of things.

My MIL is by my husband's own admission a narcissist and as much as he says he wants to stay away from her (so he tells me), he still falls into her traps. She is a very toxic lady and I have tried everything I can to please her and my husband. In doing so, I have lost myself, my self-esteem, my confidence, my ability to believe in myself, and do things for my self.

My husband has a lot of insecurities which I saw past and helped him through. But his behaviors will not change. He speaks to me like dirt, especially when I ask to do what I want or express opinions he doesn't like, and it turns into an argument. Although he has never actually stopped me from doing anything, he has never supported me. He says he is doing things for us and our future but he has his own ideas and opinions and imposes them on me and I just used to agree to save any conflict. He would manipulate my thinking or words in order to get the answer he wanted to hear and I used to give in quickly as it was just easier than expressing my opinions.

I suffered from anxiety and depression and have also self-harmed as this is how low and broken he has made me feel. I always blamed other things such as post-natal depression or just made excuses for how I feel, but stepping back and thinking back, I know this was not the case. I thought "this is how life is and how marriages are meant to be and a woman just has to accept it," but I know deep down that this is not the case. I made myself believe this to accept his way of life. Being of Pakistani descent, it is quite an accepted behavior for the woman to be a 2nd class citizen in her own home.

I feel he "loves" me at his convenience and that he only really loves himself. He is selfish, contradictory in what he says and does, and I find him hypocritical.

He is a very good talker and promises me the world but has never really delivered on any promise. He instead blames me for not cooperating with him. But I am fed up and do not trust his words. A person who wishes his own mother dead (she has wished him dead too) to her face then can sit and confide in her makes alarm bells ring in my head. He often flips from being nice to being horrible especially when it comes to my family. Depending on his mood, one minute he can be singing their praises and the next he can be bad-mouthing them with words that really hurt, and I have allowed him to do this just to save arguments.

He has shouted divorce to me on multiple occasions and has said on many occasions that he is sick of trying with me and does not even know why we are together. I always apologized and always asked to make it work but the pattern and cycle of behavior would just repeat. I know I am not perfect and have done things wrong too, but I apologize and try to rectify myself which is what has led me to feel so conflicted within myself and have lost myself due to this.

Since walking out on him he is now begging me to come back and try again but I do not feel I have the emotional strength anymore. I have been at my parents' house for almost a month now and my children do not miss their own home and rarely ask about their makes me think that they are happier without him! He does love the kids but I question if it's real or if anything he says or does is real or sincere.

I have told him that I need time to find myself and build myself back up, but he is scared that it will lead to a divorce so he is trying extra hard to win me back... but he hasn't actually done anything to make me feel otherwise, there is always an excuse, or I am always to blame for him not trying. He doesn't even think to spend time with the children or to take the children out. He is doing everything to please me but not the children, especially when I have said I need space from him and it's best we separate for a while.

He said that when I fell ill, he was out of his depth and that's why he would stay out with friends. I did push him away while I was ill but only because I didn't feel he was there for me. The thought of trying again or giving it another chance makes me feel sick to my stomach and scared, while the idea of being able to live my life excites me.  A husband is supposed to support you, build you up, be there to catch you when you fall, etc. but I have never once felt that with him. Instead I feel scared and walk on eggshells always seeking his approval for whatever I do...that's not healthy for me or my children to witness.

Anyone who really knows me has supported me and said that whatever I decide they will be there for me, but my husband is too bothered about himself. How will he show his face in society? How his parents will cope? He still doesn't consider how I feel or why I feel the way I do. I am stuck because I want the best for my children and want to do right by them. I have prayed for guidance and have put my trust in Allah and leaving him was a leap of faith and took me a lot of strength and courage to do, but now I can't help but wonder if I should give him a chance despite the chances I have already given him. He manages to sweet talk me, has a hold on me, but I just want it to stop and want to break away from it, but I don't know how to.

I could carry on and get into the details but I don't see the point. I just need someone to listen to me and tell me its okay to want to feel self-worth and okay to do what's best for me and my children. I have always put him before everything and everyone to the point of having pushed my own family away but they understand and still support me. I just feel so stuck in what the right thing is to do. I have been made to feel so alone and isolated. My family have been bad-mouthed, even extended family, my friends have too, my role as a mother has been questioned, as a daughter in law I am scrutinized, and I just do not know who or what I am anymore, especially while I am with him. Away from him in the past month, I have felt free and able to breathe. My family have noticed the change in me almost instantly from being away from the toxic environment I called "home."

I fear that if I go back, I will fall into the same traps, life will not change, and I will end up living the vicious cycle over and over again.

Thank you for taking the time out to listen to me. May Allah make everyone's struggles easy.


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2 Responses »

  1. I took two courses of human Psychology in college from a brilliant professor, and I have applied to my own relationships to a great success. I tried to transfer this knowledge to my friends and family and they all did excellent. Of course, none of this came from "Islamic" sources, but I am Syed Muslim and well-read in Islam.

    You can only get from your husband what he can give. After a long marriage, you should have a good idea of his capacity to give. Use him for whatever he can give you easily. Can he take you to a restaurant? Masjid? gatherings? Can he help you in house work? Can he baby sit, while you watch TV? You will never find ONE person to give you all you need. Some you will get from parents, some from friends and some from your husband. Somebody lied to you that husband is all what a woman needs. Nope! Not even 25%. God has made men and women very diffrent from each other. Modern societies have forced the two to spend a lot of time with each other - and they are not designed for that. Give him space, and give yourself other activities.

    Push-pull is always a get idea in romantic relationship to increase the desire. Right now you are pushing him off. Wait few days- then call him and converse as nothing has happened. Tell him what you cooked today or what kids said. Never be in one mood. Sometimes happy and connecting, and then shy and disconnecting. Don't be so predictable everyday - it's boring and uniterseting.

    Whining, complaining makes a person looks needy. Ask yourself, do you like such people? Keep it to minimum. Use "I" a lot more than YOU. For example, "I do not like when you don't clean spills in the klitchen, instead "You bever clean the spill in the kitchen". Always tell him what you LIKE and DISLIKE. Keep it 50/50.

    Your husband is not your whole world. There is so much out there for you to experience and see. Your kids will bring so much happiness in future that you can not even imagine. Go enjoy the world (study, travel, career, friends). If you are happy doing it, I bet your husband would want to join you too.

  2. You have many fears and good reasons to not want to go back. You will fall into depression deeper if you go back to him. Once you go back, he will most likely be mistreating you because he is selfish of what society will think. You have stated multiple times that he never have any concerns for you, even when you were sick. You feel that he will not change. Only is being a good talker, sweet talker to get you back. He seems toxic like his mother. Your parents are seeing that you are alive again. I say if you have FEARS, think about it twice if he is worthy guy, and he deserves to be with you. Makes lots of dua.

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