Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife threatens to leave me because I am not well-settled

pressure

Asalaamalaikum,

My name is Omer and I got married in November of 2018. My situation is a little weird. I have been in Canada for some years; I finished my education and I got a job. I was not well-settled but due to lot of fitnah in Canada, I pushed my parents to get me married. Alhumdullilah I got married in 2018 and the girl is very nice. But the situation right now is that I don’t have a house or car.

My wife was very patient with me for a year, but now, whenever we argue, she threatens to leave me and says she is going back to India. I have been trying to settle down here, but due to the Corona Virus, my hands are now tied. I am sitting jobless and my company got shut down. The situation is not in my hands.

I love my wife so much. I always say to her "please be patient InshaAllah everything will be fine," but she sometimes loses hope and says "I am tired of living like this. After lockdown send me back to India." She makes me cry all the time and I beg her to stop these thoughts. Afterwards, she says "ok you have limited time."

I have so much pressure in my head. I love her so much, she is very nice, and always shows respect to my parents. But she threatens me in every argument that she will leave me. Yesterday she told me she will leave me for some time, but that I shouldn't make her leave for good! I was feeling too much pressure on my chest. When I started crying she said "Ok I was just joking but I am giving you a time limit, settle down everything soon."

Please advise me so that I don’t break my marriage. I am hustling very hard to settle down and make her happy. I really don’t want to lose her.

JazakAllah Khair

 

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12 Responses »

  1. Ok the only thing I can tell you is that, find another job I know it’s coronavirus situation is absolutely bonkers, but still try because job isn’t going to come to you like that you have to work hard and find one, also brother even if you have to reassure your wife 77 time do that, if you love her that much, just keep comforting her by saying that Allah will help us after all we are Muslim alhamdulilah. There is a saying “whenever you are in a problem, remember there is light at the end of the tunnel. Also now that you don’t have anywhere to go, pray with your wife the tahajjud prayer, because praying and making dua as a husband and wife is key to everything inshaAllah

    Asalamualikum

    By Shafi

  2. Dear brother

    I’m Sorry to know that your wife wants to leave you due to you not having a job, it’s her right if she is not content with her life with you & wants to go let her go back to where she came from, I would suggest Agree to let her go ( apply reverse psychology?)once she is back in india she will have a chance to reflect & think about what’s worth.

    I understand it’s hard to live on limited resources
    If you haven’t go a job now? what she is doing about finding a job herself ? It’s 2020 she can work too.
    Perhaps each of you can re evaluate your skill and situation and work out a way to financially sustain?
    It would be a shame to through away a marriage for financial reason. Make a lot of doa for increasing sustenance both of you should. If you are not doing already...
    Allah is the provider, may Allah give your wife saber, Show gratify to Allah & he will give you from unexpected place.
    Recite aural waqiya after IshA and Astagfar abundantly ..

  3. Asalaamalaikum,

    Thanks for the reply. She is also trying to look for a job but they always ask for Canadian experience. She was saying to
    me that i am a liability on you and let me go back i am tired of living like this. But I don’t want her to go back. I want her with me to give me emotional support. She is not always like this all the time, but sometimes she behaves strangely. She loves me a lot i know that.
    InshaAllah i will work on your advices and will try to make her understand. May Allah give her sabr. Aameen.

    • Brother Omer

      It might me that she might be just missing her family/home , its difficult to adjust to different invioronmen especially if you are struggling financially. Perhaps she can go back for a bit while you stablish yourself .just keep praying to Allah, remember DOA of Hazrat muss recite this after every Salah .
      RABBI INNI LIMA ANZALTA ILAYYA MIN KHAIRIN FAQIR.
      InshaAllah everything will be fine

  4. SubhanAllah I'm shocked to hear this! Do women really do this to their husbands if he is clearly trying but still struggling?

    I could never trust someone like that, I would interpret this as emotional abuse. Someone who is capable of emotionally abusing you and making a joke out of it is not to be trusted.

    Perhaps let her know that if she wants to leave she is welcome to go but you do not want this as you are trying your best and will continue to try but will not tolerate her upsetting you and breaking you like this. If she thinks her life will be better in India then she will keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side, does she know how much people are struggling in India at the moment - which world is she living in??? Love is blind but not that blind.

    We are living in a global pandemic, as an accountant I have winessed successful companies struggle, shut down and/or make people redundant, people are struggling to find work and pay their bills and feed their children, the self employed are struggling to work around this and very few employers are recruiting. Your wife needs to understand the current situation.
    At the same time please keep applying for jobs or change career for a short period if need be as you are responsible to ensure you provide for you both.

    I agree with brother Shafiul and Zeba.

    Any person threatening to leave their spouse simply because they are unsuccessful despite their attempts to improve their financial situation. If they are not satisfied they should try to help out by seeking employment themselves or make a decision now to leave if they really mean it rather than fearmongering and causing you stress.

    Please discuss how it is hurting you and you are trying your best but don't over explain or plead. Keep calm do constant dhikr and reduce stress by trying to have a routine whereby you have some couple time, a time for job hunting and time for ibaadah. Both of you increase your ibaadah, become steadfast in your prayers and increase in adhkar such as reading Surah Waqiyah as the sister and brother above suggested.

    May Allah improve your situation and imaan. Ameen

    • I too , see this as emotional abuse.

      this is a difficult situation , and due to financial problems, I saw my strongest uncle break into tears because he wasnt able to pay his employees

      I say, try to be on your own while shes here, and try to be less emotionally dependant on her. evaluate yourself and once you see you're strong enough to be on your own, let her go to india if she wants .

      After all, you were once living your life without her right? hopefully your parents also are gonna be supportive.

      spend time on your own activities and be independant , be strong . Also, it's not your fault if you're trying . she must be the one understanding

      • JazhakhAllahu khairan to Nur, Deco and Tami.

        You gave some very useful advice. I couldn't have put it better.

        It's true what Tami is saying, your wife knew your financial situation before marrying you but she still married you. Only Allah knows whether it was to come to Canada but judging from the way she is threatening you and making you feel inadequate even after you are geniunely continuously trying, she is proving her insincerity and unreliability as a companion for life.

        Sister Nur is managing her situation in such a beautiful way, may Allah reward you, increase the live and compassion and and improve your situation sister Nur. By respecting another human and not breaking his heart is a true quality as a Muslim rather than picking on his weak points to break him.

        Brother Umar do not cry in front of her in this type of situation, put your faith in Allah and keep persevering. Next time she says she wants to go to India calmly smile and say ok I will book your one way tickets tomorrow. Trust me she will not go back its just a threat. Tell yoir wife "you are welcome to leave if that's what you want, if you can't stand by me in my difficult times while I am struggling and trying then perhaps you are not worthy of my companionship, I will continue to do my best and believe that Allah has a good plan for us but if you want to leave I will book your one way ticket to India". Do not get emotional, walk away and immediatrly go downstairs and speak with your parents about what she is saying and doing. After that do not speak unnecessary about this matter at all until she brings it up.

        She will realise you have emotional value too.

        I beilieve this will give her time to reflect and SHE will make excuses to be nice to you and she will try to change YOUR mind and not her mind about sending her back!!! Afterall no woman in her right mind will leave a husband who loves her so much.

        Do not mention separation or divorce nor explain anything else. You will see she will never threaten to go back to India where there is a crisis back there.

        In the same breath brother continue to be just and try hard to improve your employment situation not just for her but your self and parents.

        If what you said in your post is true it sounds like she is fluking and trying to control you emotionally and making you dependent on her. Good men or women don't do that to their spouse. Men and women should be a strength for their spouse and give eachother support and confidence.

        May Allah improve all of our imaan and forgive us all for our shortcomings. May Allah make it easier for us all to obtain the good of this world and the Hereafter. Ameen

      • Deco,

        You write: "I say, try to be on your own while shes here, and try to be less emotionally dependant on her. evaluate yourself and once you see you're strong enough to be on your own, let her go to india if she wants"

        I love this advice. It is both compassionate to oneself (Brother Omer) and to his wife.

        May Allah reward you for helping a man out. 🙂

        Best,

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

  5. Hi Omer, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

    My husband has not been earning well for past few years due to job change and is bringing back lesser than before. Some months he is not even bringing back money. And this has amounted to debts in which i have gotten a job to settle some of the debts. I am not bitter about it but I do get upset sometimes, sometimes whispers of shaiytaan comes and I think maybe I ll be better off leaving him. BUT I NEVER EVER SAY IT ALOUD TO HIS FACE. The point of a marriage is so we can be there for each other in times of trouble. Make lots of duas to Allah and read certain for increased Rizk. My husband keeps telling me he is working on something. And I chose to believe him and in Allah. Tell your wife to do the same. Tell her to give the marriage a chance and to believe in Allah because sustenance comes from him. I can see that you are a sensitive guy by the fact that you cry when she says she is leaving you. Maybe she is taking advantage of you by saying that; seeing what an emotional guy you are. Allahuwalam.

    I have my ups and lows sometimes but I never stop believing in Allah's mercy. I know it's a test for me and it Is A TEST FOR YOUR WIFE AND FOR YOU.

    And honestly you are not to blame, given the currents world covid situation. Maybe it might help to get a part time job as a driver or a grocer until you get a more fixed job in your field? Dont worry about what society thinks. Think of every halal job no matter its bearing as it's from Allah. Also it wouldn't hurt if your wife help to contribute by taking up a job. But it should be her choice and not yours.

    It's TRUE in Islam, the husband is supposed to provide food, shelter and necessities such as clothing for the wife. So your wife has certain rights over you. Tell her to be patient and to stop saying hurtful things and to keep continuing to believe in Allahs will. Insyallah you will find a job soon.

    Allahs knows best and may he forgive you of your sins known or unknownst and may he provide for you and your family. Ameen.

    • Brother Omer,

      If you and your wife can remember this one thing alone, you will be content and less anxious, Inshallah. Anxiety or a little bit of discomfort sometimes pushes us to tackle difficult tasks, but we must always have faith that our sustenance is prearranged by Allah and for the perfect time.

      "Tell her to give the marriage a chance and to believe in Allah because sustenance comes from him." (Nur)

      May Allah reward you and your wife for your patience with satisfactory employment, Ameen.

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

  6. When you got married, your wife knew how stable you were. Or not.? Or did she just married you to come to Western Canada. Threatening you, that she will go back to India is childish. Let her go, as others readers have said. Then she will realize, it’s not so easy to get a job. I agree she is using this technique to scare you and make you cry, which is not nice.

  7. Hi Omer

    I think I don't need to give you any advice as everything has been said in all the above messages. Tell your wife she can find jobs in grocery stores. You love her and that is the reason you are being supportive. You are also depending on her emotionally right now and this is normal. If she isn't reciprocating to your pleas, better stop it now and talk to a friend, family member so that you feel better and not lonely because of her harsh behavior.
    When she would see that she can not hustle you up then she may get back to her senses. Clearly she is able to hustle you up, now I don't mean that you be distant with her but not get worked up on her undue demands. Think about yourself right now and tell her you are taking care of yourself mentally and physically. She may start noticing that you are not getting worked up on her threats so she will change her ways too. And when the time comes when you think she may listen patiently do tell her that you are doing everything and she should go to work too. This is Canada and she has no responsibility here as of now so she can easily manage that. Hope everything turns out well.

    There is a tasbeeh I recite and it's supposed to be recited after Fajr namaz 308 times to increase sustenance, works wonders for me mashallah. Recite 'ar - razzaqo' 308 times after Fajr namaz, this is one of the names of Allah. Goodluck

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