Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My abusive father is creating family unrest and chaos

Family shattered by husband's addiction

Asalam-u-alekum,

I have questions and concerns about my father. He is very strict, verbally and psychologically abusive towards my sisters and my mother. He tends to insult some of my moms immediate family members for no reason. He has a habit of lashing out and getting disrespectful in front of everyone.

My mom feels very helpless and stressed out all the time because he ruins the atmosphere of the house. He lashes out on my mother over little things and picks fights. It makes me very sad to see my mother upset and sad; she is diabetic and a heart patient and has young daughters to take care of and get married.

He is very controlling with my sisters and doesn’t let them do anything, even though they are such good girls.

He wants to switch jobs but doesn’t realize that he has no education and is getting older; therefore it’ll be harder for him to find a new job and provide for his family.

He is also taking drugs for the past couple of months but denies it every time I ask even though I know for a fact he is using.

He isn’t religious or close to Allah for him to be preaching culture when he cannot even follow basic rules of Islam. Please help us! Give us a dua, a wazifa or anything to change my father’s behavior and heart and guide him to the right path.

anznr

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6 Responses »

  1. Hi,

    Could you please ask someone of your uncles or Masjid Imam or any wise person who could counsel your dad, in the mean time the best advice is to get every single of your sister to get married, because since the only options which is safe.
    For nor till they get married, ask someone to counsel your dad in a very wisdom way. A

  2. Ws,

    Why are you allowing your mother to be abused? Your duty to your mum is 3 times greater than is your duty to your dad. Your dad sounds like a complete bully and he does it because he can get away with it. You need to tell him to stop and get other relatives involved if you cannot manage it yourself.

    If you're living in the west you can have him removed from the home. Let him live on his own for a while until he learns his lesson. You have to respect your father but not at the expense of not protecting your mother.

    Grow a pair and stand up for your family because no one else would.

    • I agree you are all allowing this to happen. He should have been stopped long time ago. Your mom needs to be safe. Get relatives involve and speak up! All of you can get in a group and talk him seriously.

  3. I think the best wazifa is Prayers, recitation of Quran and seeking and applying religious knowledge in your home.

  4. Asalamualaykum Anznr,

    I can see both sides of the coin in that I feel you, your mother, and your sisters are both responsible for his continued behavior and NOT responsible at the same time.

    On the one hand, when someone (your father in this case) is out of control like that where they are using volume and manipulative language to defeat everyone, it strikes fear in you so you're likely shying away from further confrontation and assertiveness....you are being meek and passive in response to him.

    On the other hand, your best chance of him modifying his behavior is your standing up for yourselves. We have to teach people how to treat us. If he raises his volume, you should respond in a more moderate tone that brings things "down" a level. You could even ask him "Why are you yelling?" to bring awareness in him.

    If he verbally abuses you, you should tell him straight up that you will not tolerate that and will not be spoken to that way. Tell him that you will return to the conversation when he has cooled down, and leave the room. Don't walk away in punishment, but rather, with the intention to sort things out later. Let him know that in no uncertain terms so that he does not feel threatened.

    Your father is most likely abusing and yelling all the time because he likes to be in control and is anxious that if he doesn't use verbal abuse, your family will likely overtake him. He fears the loss of control. So whatever you do, make it clear to him that you love him and that you are protecting yourselves for your own sake...not to compete with him.

    Inshallah things will improve with time. It will take an initial boost of effort from you all that will be well-worth it in the long run. Maybe have a "family" meeting without him there, where you discuss this plan before you execute it. Steps in the right direction will build upon themselves and perhaps he will learn a lesson or two in how to treat other people.

    Best,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

    • Have this ‘’Zero tolarance’’attitude,with abusive people there’s no excuse. Get in touch with the athaurity if you are not old enough to stop him. Ask him if he would like to fight in a ring with boxers ? Guys who abuse their wives and daughter who doesn’t fight back , these gus have very low self steam and week so they only feel better about themselves by controlling the ones he can. Ask your mother to stand up for herself and her daughters.- you should stand up for you mother and protect her perhaps she is too afraid too fight she might have suffered years of abuse & didn’t get help.

      Be strong & please stop the cycle if you just watch this, hoping it will go away, it won’t, you might even become like him and you will do this to your future family -So act NOW. Do whatever it takes to get rid of him,let him live by himself till he sort himself and empower your mother and sisters, so they know no one has a right to abuse them.

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