Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Swapping school for caretaking my sick wife

Mental illness symptoms.

Some symptoms of mental illness.

AOA ,

Where to begin my story? I guess I can break it into three parts in order to maintain the momentum. But before that, let me introduce myself: I am a 33 year old guy living in south asia. I have three siblings- two brothers and a sister. Not a surprise that I am the youngest and sharing my story here.

Chapter 1) As a child I had always seen domestic disturbance. Dad fighting with mum, brothers etc. Conflict of opinions escalating to arguments, escalating to fights, escalating to a bruised eye. Was always pretty sensitive as a child. I would never cry in front of anyone. In fact, I remember my dad pointing this out as a joke. These days being sensitive can be the most vulnerable act.

Anyways, I can remember like yesterday when my mum got divorced in front of me. That left a strong impression on me. No child should go through this, but life is never easy. I don't blame anyone for that, but my parents were just different.

One positive thing I learned as a child was not to repeat the mistakes I saw. I was raised by my brother. He was short-tempered but loving. I remember getting beaten every now and then. Now when I see how my brother is raising his children, it's quiet different. But I should not blame anyone for that and be happy that at least there was someone there to teach me things.

Chapter 2) This is the time when you are in your early twenties, young and thinking you can conquer the world. Unfortunately because of the broken family hierarchy, I had difficulties advancing my studies. Who would pay my fees? Mum cannot. When it comes to brothers, one of them got married and had to support a family, the other brother who raised me was a quiet and angry person. Dad was of the strong opinion: why study?

I laugh with teary eyes, but life could've been different if someone supported me. I even cleared an entrance exam for one of the leading engineering universities in my city. So at that time, all I could afford was an extremely difficult- easy to register but difficult to pass- kind of accounting study program. I could afford that because the fee structure was broken down and I had to pay as I progressed. I did not have to pay for the entire year.

I started questioning: why me? I had a few friends smoking drugs. I cant say that I got influenced, but rather I was seeking this (may ALLAH forgive me). It was at that time in my life that I started talking to a girl. It's quite self-explanatory that the love and attention I wanted, I directed all of that towards her. She was from another country. I soon was planning to move there and continue my studies.

Chapter 3) We were together. I must say it did not start well as we did not know each other very well. I had travelled and was finding it difficult. We would fight often. It was later diagnosed that she was under the influence. She could see things. She got possessed. Either it was that, or she was schizophrenic. I started taking extra, extra care of her. Her family also accepted me.

I only cleared four papers of that program, and that was only in the first year of my stay in that foreign land. Suddenly my priority shifted to taking care of her. I had to learn and adopt how to control my anger and not fight with her. It was hard, because she would really test my patience. And I could see her dad as a accomplished person but he could not do anything to help.

-LostAmigo

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3 Responses »

  1. Salaamu Alaikum
    I don't know quite what your question is so this is the closest answer I could find, someone mentioned something similar here is the scholar's reply:

    Praise be to Allaah.
    We appreciate your confidence in us, and we ask Allaah to guide us all to the right path.

    I have read your letter more than once and I feel that it is difficult for me to understand the issues properly, because it seems to be somewhat complicated, so I cannot blame one of you. But I feel that both of you have some share of blame for the problem.

    But I can offer the following advice and suggest that you do these things, and I ask Allaah to make this a help for you in solving your problem.

    Firstly:

    Each of you must come back to Allaah because sin has an effect on people’s family lives and on all their relationships. Hence one of the salaf said: when I commit sin, I see its effect on my family and my riding-beast. This confirms what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, according to the hadeeth narrated by Abu Hurayrah who said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When Allaah loves a person He calls Jibreel and says, ‘I love So and so, so love him.’ Then Jibreel loves him, then he calls out in the heavens saying, ‘Allaah loves him, so love him.’ Then the inhabitants of heaven love him, and he also finds acceptance on earth. But if Allaah hates a person, He calls Jibreel and says, ‘I hate So and so, so hate him.’ Then Jibreel hates him, then he calls out in the heavens saying, ‘Allaah hates So and so, so hate him.’ So they hate him, and he is also hated on earth.”

    Secondly:

    Each person must turn towards his Lord and call upon him. Allaah Says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Is not He (better than your gods) Who responds to the distressed one, when he calls on Him, and Who removes the evil”

    [al-Naml 27:62]

    So he must persist in du’aa’, and seek out the times when du’aa’ is more likely to be accepted, such as the last third of the night, when our Lord descends and calls out, “Who will call upon Me, that I may answer him; who will seek My forgiveness, that I may forgive him; who will ask of Me, that I may give to him; who will repent to Me, that I may accept his repentance?” So you should call upon your Lord and have certain faith that He will respond, but do not try to hasten the response, for Allaah will respond to His slave so long as he does not try to hasten the response and does not say “I made du’aa’ but I received no answer.”

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah has not sent down any malady but He has also sent down the remedy; those who know it, know it, and those who do not know it, do not know it.” (Narrated by Ahmad, 3397; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 1650). So you must recite the du’aa’s that are prescribed in sharee’ah, such as ruqyah, reciting Qur’aan, etc. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And We send down of the Qur’aan that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe”

    [al-Isra’ 17:82]
    In shaa Allah if you can ask the question to get the answer you need, that will help. In shaa Allah may Allah guide, protect, stregthen and help you and your wife. Ameen

  2. Assalaamualaykum LostAmigo,

    You don't seem that "lost" to me! You are doing an honorable thing in taking care of your wife. In the USA, you are what is referred to as a "caretaker" in mental illness circles, and it's just as important a job as any other. My concern is that you may not be getting the support you need.

    Is your wife in a treatment program or seeing a psychiatrist regularly? Because the closer you can get her to full recovery - with Allah's help of course - the less stressed you will also be. If you suspect she has schizophrenia, that means taking anti-psychotic medication and going to psychotherapy regularly. With support services for her, you share the burden with others and it is not all up to you to support her. You will still have to provide some emotional support for her, because it may take several months or years to find a medication that works. And during that time, it's important that you hear her out and not judge her for her thoughts or feelings. But please don't grow despondent. Allah will favor you immeasurably, and you both will really appreciate it in the end. Whatever you do, don't enable her to continue without medication...that will lead to great difficulty for both of you.

    Nothing in life is permanent or everlasting. This condition of hers and stress on you will not last forever. It cannot, because your sufferings will keep driving you find solutions daily, much as you have done by writing in to this website.

    After she is recovered or at least better, Inshallah, you can go back to work. But if you don't, remember that what Allah thinks of you is of greater consequence than what society thinks. You are doing a very admirable thing Masha Allah,

    May Allah bless you and your wife abundantly. Please feel free to write again if you need more help. We are here for you.

    Best,

    Nor

  3. Asalam aleykum,

    Mayameen gave an excellent response to your question.

    Are you a practicing muslim?

    Practicing does not only mean praying and fasting and giving zakat/sadaqah.

    Practicing is doing everything Allah T’ala asks us to do.

    We as Muslims need to read the Holy Quran daily. Reading it gives ease to the heart and mind and expiates our sins.

    Allah Almighty says in Quran: “O mankind! There hath come to you an admonition from your Lord and a healing for the (diseases) in your hearts and for those who believe a Guidance and Mercy.” (Quran, 10:57)

    So long as you call upon Almighty Allah, you will be nearer and dearer to him.

    Dua is the weapon of the believers so is other things. BUT The Dua is an act that Almighty Allah loves most.

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah, may He be exalted, says: ‘I am as My slave thinks I am.’” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 7405; Muslim, 4675.

    He may peace and blessings be upon him says: “One of you may be answered so long as he is not hasty and says, ‘I said du’aa’ but I got no response.’” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6340; Muslim, 2735.

    One other thing to mention is not to forget your istighfars and Thikrs as they have a tremendous affect and effect on your daily lives.

    Wasalam aleykum.

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