Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In my marriage, communication always results in conflict

children affected by argumentative parents

Salam,

I hope this message finds you in the best of health and Imaan.

I have written on here a few times with regards to my marriage, and on the surface I have a pretty good relationship and two Mashallah perfect children. However, underneath it all I feel broken.

Since being married, I have faced a lot of issues with my inlaws and arguments that have had a huge impact on me as a person.

I married out of choice and after 5 years of marriage, I feel like I no longer love my husband and, at times, question whether I got married merely because it's the "next step" in life (I was 28 at the age of marriage) and was made to feel like I was "passing my 'sell by' date."

He is not a bad person at heart but his views on life are all sooo negative and they have had a huge impact on me. I was always such a strong independant woman and have been taught to stand up for the truth and for what I believe but since marriage, I have become a shell of a woman and ashamed of the person I have become.

He used to be my best friend, but now I don't even want to be in the same room let alone share and talk about my feelings with him. I cannot trust him and feel like every converstion we will have will result in conflict. He is a man who doesn't like change and by his own admission is unwilling to change. He does try but for me too much has happened and it feels too little too late.

He is very abrupt in how he talks and I always feel that is an attack on me. I have said on many occasions that it's not what you say but how you say things that makes a difference. I always feel that there is something or someone more important to him and his views are the only views that matter.

We have totally different mindsets and disagree on a lot of the important things like how to raise our children.

He was raised in a heavily Pakistani community and his family was very well known in the community. A lot of it in that community is about "what people will say" and "what people will think." I on the other hand was raised in a white community (I am Pakistani) and I really do not care for the opinions of others as I have to answer to Allah, not others.

I feel our children should sit in circles other than our own in order to widen their minds and question things, and thus increase their knowledge...I believe children should be given the tools on HOW to think and not told WHAT to think.

I have expressed these concerns and ideas only to be told I'm not normal and that my views are too westernised and im going to confuse our children. I constantly feel that i am a bad mum but only because of his judgements. Friends and family say I am doing a fantastic job but I do not see or feel that this is the case.

I make dua to Allah to ease the feelings of anxiety I have when around my husband and his family but at the same time, I know this is an unhealthy way to live.

I used to worl and had a relativley good job, not the best but it paid well Alhamdulilah but since having the kids I have become a stay at home mum and even the prospect of going back to work is daunting. My husband has never really had any responsibility in his life and by me leaving work it put the financial strain on him forcing him to step up, but I'm scared that if I go back to work he will become lazy again and I will have to do everything as I already pretty much do. I genuinly feel like I do not need him apart from for the finances and most of that comes from the government as he has a very low paid job. We have ammassed credit card and loan debts and although they are getting paid slowly, I feel like we are going backwards.

I dont want to divorce but somethimes feel this is the only option. I cannot speak to my husband in a frank manner as it results in arguments and I just do not have the energy anymore.

I really feel trapped and stuck in a robot-like life and my kids are the only things giving me any meaning and this is also unhealthy for them.

I pray to Allah to make a way for us and make our path easy. I know I need to speak up but only to be shut down again. I feel there's no point. The last thing I want is for my children to suffer or feel any negativity or be used as tools in the push and pull that comes with parents arguing.

I just feel so stuck, and very very alone. My family know and see everything that is happening but will not intervene as they do not want to cause conflicts.

Sapphire

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , ,

29 Responses »

  1. Hi

    I read your post and feel you are feeling lost and broken. I am a Psychotherapist and strongly recommend you to see a psychologist or a Psychotherapist. It's not that you have neurotic or psychotic issues but to have a space where you will get some insight through someone who may be able to resolve some of your issues and maybe later you could also go for couples therapy. Couples therapy works wonders but I would suggest you go and see a therapist first so that you feel like yourself again and find meaning to live a happy life again. Goodluck

  2. Sister,

    Everyone has problems. Why do we have problems? So that we turn to Allah and seek Allah's help for the solution. And then, be very patient. For as long as you are still in the marriage, please find someone to talk to. Someone trustworthy. Whether you can or can't find someone to speak to, please try to get closer and closer to Allah.

    No, you are not stuck. Every test has its expiry date. Yours haven't reached the expiry date yet. And no, you are not stuck. Allah is there. He will make a way out for you. So why are you still in that situation? Perhaps Allah wants you to learn patience? Or despite your circumstances, can you find reasons to be grateful?

    Sister, you are not alone. Allah is there watching over you. If you're finding it difficult to avoid conflict when speaking to your husband, speak less with him but engage more with Allah. Allah knows what's best for you and when you should have it. "Always have hope. Hope in His Mercy. Ask Him, plead with Him. Cry out to Him.- MM"

    • Salam,

      Sister , your situation is in resemblance to many of us and I would be upfront that leaving marriage is not an option here as your husband is a nice man but you both are highly incompatible.
      Now , incompatibility can be grounds of leaving a marriage but I feel Islamically , it’s not.
      I would be the first person to ask people in abusive marriages to quit , but your situation is more of a test of patience which can be life long too.
      So, please devise a way to have manageable conversations and still not being attached to the discussion emotionally.
      Find some time for yourself and do what you like, practice a hobby or something. Learn to be happy at times on your own. Raise the children the way you want and what you have described is the best possible way to raise children. Not to demean a community but most of the Pakistani men are far from real Islam but more into worldly affairs . Since , he was your best friend once , he will not be a bad person, so you have to cope up with the incompatibility arising now and avoid confrontations . Do what you feel like but without mentioning it to him.
      And as always pray to Allah for more barkah in understanding between you two
      Inshallh you will find a way soon .

      • @Sunshine
        "ind some time for yourself and do what you like, practice a hobby or something. Learn to be happy at times on your own. Raise the children the way you want and what you have described is the best possible way to raise children. Not to demean a community but most of the Pakistani men are far from real Islam but more into worldly affairs . Since , he was your best friend once , he will not be a bad person, so you have to cope up with the incompatibility arising now and avoid confrontations . Do what you feel like but without mentioning it to him"
        Your advice clearly contradicts the teachings of Islam. The husband is the authority of the household and has been given the rights to decision making with regard to most if not all family/marital matters including how the children will be raised. And, also, it is obligatory upon the muslim woman to obey their husbands. It's haram for them to frown upon and/or raise their voice on their husbands. If the husband is angry or upset with her, her prayers will be invalid until he forgives her. What the woman is doing is clearly wrong, she is imposing her views on her husband which is causing the dispute.

        Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3254 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik
        Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of Paradise she wishes."

        Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah
        The Prophet (saws) said: If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.

        Allah's Apostle (Pbuh) said, " If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relations) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning." (Sahih Al-Bukhari Vol. 4 Hadith No. 460 & Sahih Muslim Vol. 2 Hadith No. 3368)

        Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) related,
        “There are three people whose prayers will not be accepted by Allah, nor do any good deed of theirs risen up to heaven: a fleeing slave until he returns to his master and helps him, a woman whose husband is angry with her until he is pleased with her, and a drunkard until he becomes conscious.” (Ibn Hibban)

        The Prophet (pbuh) said,
        “The first things a woman is called to account for on the Day of Judgment are her prayers and her (relations with her) husband.” (As-Suyuti in Al-Jami Al-Kabir)

        The Prophet (pbuh) said,
        “It is not lawful for a woman to fast (voluntarily) when her husband is present, except by his permission nor permit anyone into his house except with his permission.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

        The Prophet (pbuh) said,
        “Had it been permissible that a person prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife prostrate herself before her husband.” (Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah and Ahmad)

        Hussain Ibn Muhsan’s aunt mentioned her husband to the Prophet (pbuh) who said,

        “Evaluate yourself concerning your husband for he is you Paradise or Hell-Fire.” (Ahmad and Al-Hakim)

        The Prophet (pbuh) said,
        “Allah will not look at a woman who is ungrateful to her husband, while she is unable to do without him.” (Al-Hakim)

        The Prophet (pbuh) said,
        “Whoever leaves her husband’s house (without his permission), the angels curse her until she returns or repents.” (Al-Mundhiri in At-Targhib wa At-Tarhib)

  3. OP: He is not a bad person at heart but his views on life are all sooo negative and they have had a huge impact on me

    Why do you let his negative views impact you? Figure out a way to let your positive views impact him.

    • Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu'aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allaah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”

      Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.

      Ahmad (19025) and al-Haakim narrated from al-Husayn ibn Muhsin that his paternal aunt came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for something and he dealt with her need, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He said: “How are you with him?” She said, “I do not neglect any of his rights except those I am unable to fulfil.” He said: “Look at how you are with him, for he is your paradise and your hell” – i.e., he is the cause of you entering Paradise if you fulfil his rights and the cause of your entering Hell if you fall short in that.

      Al-Mundhiri classed the isnaad of this hadeeth as jayyid in al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb; it was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, no. 1933.

      If there is a conflict between obedience to one’s husband and obedience to one’s parents, then obedience to one’s husband takes priority. Imam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) said concerning a woman who has a husband and a sick mother: Obeying her husband is more obligatory upon her than (taking care of) her mother, unless he gives her permission. (Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat, 3/47).

      In al-Insaaf (8/362) it says: She does not have to obey her parents with regard to leaving her husband or visiting etc., rather obedience to the husband takes priority.

  4. OP: I constantly feel that i am a bad mum but only because of his judgements...…..I genuinely feel like I do not need him apart from for the finances and most of that comes from the government as he has a very low paid job. We have amassed credit card and loan debts and although they are getting paid slowly, I feel like we are going backwards.

    Both of you seem to be insecure may be in different ways. How can you let "others" influence your feelings about your kids? You actions decide if you are a good or bad mom, not what other people think or say.

    So if you start working you may loose government help. Get some education find a better job.

    • Why aren't these comments pointing out the duties of the woman? I don't understand, she is clearly withholding the rights of her husband by not allowing him to make decisions when it is his God-given right to do so. This woman wants to take the lead which is clearly against the teachings of Islam. No wonder, her marriage is a wreck. When a woman says things like "I was always such a strong independant woman and have been taught to stand up" and other stuffs loaded with feminist tropes you know exactly where the problem is. The solution lies in obedience and servitude of the husband which OBLIGATORY for the muslim women. She should kill her pride and be a little more submissive to her husband if she really wants an Islamic solution for her problems.

      • Noting is wrong with a educated Muslima who is strong, independent, and wants to work. Husband is suppose to be the bread winner. She knows that if she goes back to work then he will be lazy and not fulfill his obligations to be responsible. It’s not about being feminist.

        • @Tami
          There's something wrong with the words (strong, independent) themselves.
          1. These words are crafted and used by feminists and non muslims.
          2. No one is independent, forget women. They are either under the custody of their fathers (or other mahrams) or the custody of their husbands. How can a woman claim to be independent when Allah SWT says "Men are the guardian of (their) women"??
          3. Her words are exposing the sheer arrogance that resides in her which is impacting her marital life, you can tell.

          This is a forum where Muslims seek Islamic solutions to their problems, not garbage opinions with no Islamic validity.

          When the Prophet (peace be upon him) was asked which woman was the best, he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding his person or property doing anything of which he disapproves" ( At Tirmidhi, An Nasaa'i & Al-Bayhaqi)

          Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3254 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik
          Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of Paradise she wishes."

          Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah
          The Prophet (saws) said: If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.

          “There are three people whose prayers will not be accepted by Allah, nor do any good deed of theirs risen up to heaven: a fleeing slave until he returns to his master and helps him, a woman whose husband is angry with her until he is pleased with her, and a drunkard until he becomes conscious.” (Ibn Hibban)

          The Prophet (pbuh) said,
          “The first things a woman is called to account for on the Day of Judgment are her prayers and her (relations with her) husband.” (As-Suyuti in Al-Jami Al-Kabir)

          The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you." (Sahih Bukhari vol 1 book 2 hadith 29)

          In a Hadeeth on the authority of Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allah be pleased with him, it was mentioned that a woman came to the Prophet, sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allah exalt his mention ), and said, “O Messenger of Allah, I am a delegate [from a group of] women and there are none of them, whether she knows or does not know that I would come to you, except she would want me to come to you. Allah The Almighty is the Lord of both men and women and their God, and you are the Messenger of Allah, for both men and women. Allah has prescribed Jihaad for men only; if they are victorious, their reward is great, and if they die as martyrs, they are alive with their Lord, receiving sustenance. [For women], which act of obedience is equal in reward to this?” The Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allah exalt his mention ), replied: “Obeying their husbands and (being aware of and) fulfilling their rights; and few of you do that.”[At-Tabaraani and ‘Abdul-Raaziq]

          The Prophet (pbuh) said,
          “Had it been permissible that a person prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife prostrate herself before her husband.” (Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah and Ahmad)

          Hussain Ibn Muhsan’s aunt mentioned her husband to the Prophet (pbuh) who said,
          “Evaluate yourself concerning your husband for he is you Paradise or Hell-Fire.” (Ahmad and Al-Hakim)

          The Prophet (pbuh) said,
          “Allah will not look at a woman who is ungrateful to her husband, while she is unable to do without him.” (Al-Hakim)

          ‘Aishah(RA) said, “O women, had you known your husbands’ rights, any woman among you would have wiped dust from her husband’s shoes on her face”

          • @Jubair
            You say....
            “ There's something wrong with the words (strong, independent) themselves.
            These words are crafted and used by feminists and non muslims.”

            How can you say the words- Strong & Independent are crafted by feminist and non-Muslims. There is nothing wrong with it. You talk like a woman has no say in a household and she has to be subservient to her husband no matter if he is failing his duties as a husband.

            My mom became a widow at a young age. She needed to be strong and independent to survive and not depend on a relatives and the system, now is that considered her being a feminist and thinking like a non Muslim.

            You say...
            “ Her words are exposing the sheer arrogance that resides in her which is impacting her marital life, you can tell.”

            She is not being arrogant. She simply wants to improve her relationship by having better communication, which he fails to listen. He doesn’t give a damn about her feelings. She is suffering from a mentality of people that follow the Pakistani culture of oppressing the woman.

            You say....
            “This is a forum where Muslims seek Islamic solutions to their problems, not garbage opinions with no Islamic validity. “

            This forum does not give garbage opinions. It’s called discussion. Explaining scenarios and how it’s effecting their lives emotionally. Not everything is black and white.

        • @Tami
          I have given you clear evidence as to why a woman (or a man) is not independent. Whether or not you believe they were crafted by feminists or non muslims, you have to accept the fact from the Islamic perspective it is wrong to claim to be "strong and independent" because no human is independent. A muslim is a slave, a submitter. So, yes, it does show a sign of jahilia in a person that claims to be such (strong independent). If you read the OP properly, she used this as a reason to disobey her husband. She even doesn't allow her husband to make decisions with regard to how their children are to be raised. This is the husband's decision to make, and she's clearly withholding his right. Mind you, the Prophet (PBUH) cursed the woman who disobeys her husband. You think she is being oppressed? Spare a thought for the man who is being constantly disobeyed (hence the constant arguments and disputes), you seem to have no idea!

          You do know, in circumstances like this the man has the right to discipline the woman in accordance to Sura Nisa 34. The Prophet (PBUH) punished his wives by forsaking them for a month for doing something that is WAY WAY less than what this woman(OP) is doing to her husband. LET THAT SINK IN...

        • @Tami
          "She is not being arrogant. She simply wants to improve her relationship by having better communication, which he fails to listen. He doesn’t give a damn about her feelings. She is suffering from a mentality of people that follow the Pakistani culture of oppressing the woman."

          You seem to care more about her feelings than the haram she's committing. There's no doubt her haram actions have led to the situation she's in. God has revealed an entire verse describing how to punish/discipline women like that. The Prophet (PBUH) punished his wives by forsaking them for a month for doing something that is WAY WAY less worse than what this woman (OP) is doing to her husband. And yes, she's being arrogant and insolent. A muslim is a submitter, a slave. No practising muslim is taught to use such arrogant words to describe oneself. This is wrong on so many levels...
          Here's a list of harams she's committing:
          1. Disobeying husband - Prophet (PBUH) cursed woman that disobeys her husband
          2. Frowning upon husband - haram
          3. Causing annoyance/ Making him angry - her prayer (Salat) is invalid when her husband is angry with her unless/until she apologises
          4. Withholding his right to leadership and decision making - this is noosuz, the husband has the right to punish/discipline her in accordance with Sura Nisa 34

          She has two options a) obey her husband and stop withholding his rights b) Seek divorce
          But it looks like she doesn't want divorce ("I dont want divorce"), so her only option is (a)

      • Asalamualaykum Bro/Sis Jubair,

        Yes the husband should ultimately be making the decision. But do you know what goes into decision making? It is not just "I command and you shall obey."

        A good decision-maker takes into account all the information they have at their disposal, including the opinions of their wives and for their wife's and children's best interest. They are not a bachelor on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean all my themselves. If they wanted to dictate in that manner, they should have never gotten married. Marriage requires two inter-dependant people who listen to each other.

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

        • Walaikum Salam Nor,

          I understand your point with regard to being a good decision maker. But I'm addressing the OP, she is clearly withholding his right to decision making. So, what she is doing is haram, and if you read hadiths among 4 types of women who will be dwellers of hell this is one of them. She is clearly using a non muslim country to her advantage knowing full well that her husband will not be able to get justice (Islamic) if he so attempts to do so. This is oppression!

          The woman has her right to give her suggestion, but no right whatsoever to force her opinions on him which is what the woman is trying to do. Hence, the constant fighting and arguments. She must accept his leadership and stop withholding his rights. These are types of women that need to be disciplined in accordance to Sura Nisa 34. The Prophet (PBUH) forsook his wives for a complete month for doing things that are 1000 times less worse than what this woman (OP) is doing to her husband.

        • @Nor
          Assalamuailukum,

          You seem to think disobeying husbands just because their opinions conflict with their husbands' or for other reasons is no big deal. I'm sorry to say you have no idea how severe and destructive it is. Let me tell you, the Prophet (PBUH) cursed the women who disobey their husbands. Let that sink in. It's bizarre to think that muslim women in our times have no idea how important their husbands are when it comes to saving themselves from hellfire. I'm sure most muslim men are aware of the fact "Paradise lies under the feet of their mothers" but when it comes to the rights and privileges that are given to the husband, no one cares. This is one of the key reasons why marriages are falling apart especially in the western world where women (most) think they are entitled to do whatever they wish/ desire.

          Prophet (PBUH) cursed the ones who disobey their husbands "O daughter, woe to her who disobeys her husband.”

          When the Prophet (peace be upon him) was asked which woman was the best, he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding his person or property doing anything of which he disapproves" ( At Tirmidhi, An Nasaa'i & Al-Bayhaqi)

          The Prophet (pbuh) said,
          “Birds in the sky, whales in the water, angels in the heaven, the sun and the moon will all ask Allah to forgive women who obey their husbands so long as they are pleased with them. If a woman disobeys her husband she entails the curse of Allah, the angels and all people. If a woman makes her husband frown, Allah’s wrath is upon her until she makes him laugh and pleased. If a woman leaves her husband’s house without his permission, the angels curse her until she returns or repents.”

          He also said,
          “Having had a look at the fire, I found that most of its people are women. This is because, they do not always obey Allah, his Messenger, and their husbands and display their beauty to other than their husbands.”

          “There are three people whose prayers will not be accepted by Allah, nor do any good deed of theirs risen up to heaven: a fleeing slave until he returns to his master and helps him, a woman whose husband is angry with her until he is pleased with her, and a drunkard until he becomes conscious.” (Ibn Hibban)

          The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you." (Sahih Bukhari vol 1 book 2 hadith 29)

          Prophet (pbuh) said,
          “Whenever a woman causes annoyance and torture to her husband in this world, his mate from among the hour is of Paradise says to her: may Allah ruin thee, do not cause your husband annoyance, for, he is only your guest, and will soon leave thee to join us in Paradise.” (Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban, Ahmad and Ad-Dailami)

          The Prophet (pbuh) said,
          “Had it been permissible that a person prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife prostrate herself before her husband.” (Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah and Ahmad)

          Hussain Ibn Muhsan’s aunt mentioned her husband to the Prophet (pbuh) who said,
          “Evaluate yourself concerning your husband for he is you Paradise or Hell-Fire.” (Ahmad and Al-Hakim)

          The Prophet (pbuh) said,
          “Allah will not look at a woman who is ungrateful to her husband, while she is unable to do without him.” (Al-Hakim)

          ‘Aishah(RA) said, “O women, had you known your husbands’ rights, any woman among you would have wiped dust from her husband’s shoes on her face”

          • Jubair,

            You write: "You seem to think disobeying husbands just because their opinions conflict with their husbands' or for other reasons is no big deal."

            I'm sorry, but I don't believe I implied any such thing in my post. I merely said that decision-making involves a lot more that just saying "nay" and it be. That's Allah's job. Humans have to go through the decision-making process. Weighing the pros and cons, taking into account the feelings, opinions, and rights of all parties involved, sometimes doing Salat Al-Istikhara to ask for Allah's guidance, etc.

            Nor
            IslamicAnswers

        • @Nor
          Okay, I get what you're saying but I believe you're not addressing the issue here. The OP is a woman, if it was a man your advice re: how to be a good decision-maker would have made sense. But we are talking about a woman who is withholding her husband's rights and outright disobeying him. Now, if you look at it from Islamic perspective she has two choices a) Obey her husband and stop withholding his rights or b) seek divorce
          Now as for (b) she doesn't want a divorce ( "I don't want divorce") so all she is left with is (a) and there are no other alternatives. She should remind herself of the consequences of disobeying her husband. If she wants Jannah she must obey her husband as the Prophet (PBUH) said "Your husband is either your (key to) Paradise or Hellfire"

          • Asalamualaykum Bro/Sis Jubair,

            If you will kindly revisit the structure of this thread, you will see that my comment in regards to a man's decision-making responsibility was addressed to you and your comment::

            "...she is clearly withholding the rights of her husband by not allowing him to make decisions when it is his God-given right to do so."

            I was not addressing the OP, which is why my reply is indented under your response to OP.

            I agree that decision-making is the husband's responsibility, but only wished to add that that shouldn't make him a tyrant. He needs to approximate to GOOD decision-making, not JUST decision-making.

            Hopefully you understand where I am coming from.

            Best to you,

            Nor
            IslamicAnswers

  5. The disease of conceit and arrogance may cripple a woman's heart. In this respect, ‘Abeer Murshid says, "If such a disease reaches the heart of the woman, it would be a great disaster. The marital relationship would be threatened with the most dangerous type of disputes and quarrels. The man is in charge of the family by virtue of the role that Allah The Almighty has granted him. If the wife tries to change the Creation of Allah and His norms, this would afflict her with the most harmful consequences.”

    • **To the moderator of the website - Brother Wael

      - He is calling the all the commenters of this site of people of gives garbage opinions.
      - Telling people that ladies will most likely go to hell for being “independent and strong”
      - Saying there is no such thing is “independent and strong”, it’s crafted by feminist and non Muslim

      I don’t like how Jubair is taking the lead here by being arrogant and calling anyone that comes here gives garbage options.

      • @ Tami

        "He is calling the all the commenters of this site of people of gives garbage opinions."

        False accusation. Slander!!

        "Telling people that ladies will most likely go to hell for being “independent and strong”"

        Never said that. I said women will go to hell if they disobey their husbands. The evidence lies in the fact that the Prophet (PBUH) cursed the woman who disobeys her husband. And then there's this hadith
        "Your husband is either your (key to) Paradise or hellfire"

        "Saying there is no such thing is “independent and strong”, it’s crafted by feminist and non Muslim"

        Yes, true. I said that. I still hold my ground. A muslim is a slave, a submitter.

  6. The man is in charge of the family. He takes care of it and observes the morals of its members and its affairs. Hence, all the members of the family are required to obey him. He is charged with the burdens of the family and working to provide for it and fulfill its needs. In this way, the family is organized on the basis that there are a caretaker and a commander, on one hand, and subjects who listen and obey on the other.

  7. ‘Aishah said, “O women, had you known your husbands’ rights, any woman among you would have wiped dust from her husband’s shoes on her face”

    The Prophet (pbuh) said,
    “Your heavenly wife is the kind who, when her husband hurts comes close to her husband, puts her hand in his and says, I’ll never sleep until you are pleased.” (Al-Haithami)

    The Prophet (pbuh) said,
    “Birds in the sky, whales in the water, angels in the heaven, the sun and the moon will all ask Allah to forgive women who obey their husbands so long as they are pleased with them. If a woman disobeys her husband she entails the curse of Allah, the angels and all people. If a woman makes her husband frown, Allah’s wrath is upon her until she makes him laugh and pleased. If a woman leaves her husband’s house without his permission, the angels curse her until she returns or repents.”

    The Prophet (pbuh) said,
    “There are four women in Paradise and they are: a chaste and an obedient one to Allah and her husband, patient, content, coy, and reproductive who guards her husband’s property and herself in his absence and holds her tongue in his presence. A widow who devotes her life for her children and does not marry lest they fail. As for the four women of Hell -fire.” “The woman who has a shrew tongue and is vulgar towards her husband, who does not guard herself in his absence and injures him with her tongue in his presences. The one who charges her husband burdens greater than he can bear. The one who shows herself to men and goes out doors displaying her beauty. The one who does not concern herself except with food, drink and sleep. Further she is not eager to pray or to obey Allah and her husband, such a woman who in addition to that, leaves her husband’s home without his permission is accursed by the people of fire until she repents to Allah.” (Bukhari)

    Muadh Ibn Jabal (may Allah be pleased with him) related that the Prophet (pbuh) said,
    “Whenever a woman causes annoyance and torture to her husband in this world, his mate from among the hour is of Paradise says to her: may Allah ruin thee, do not cause your husband annoyance, for, he is only your guest, and will soon leave thee to join us in Paradise.” (Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban, Ahmad and

    Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:
    Once Allah's Apostle went out to the Musalla (to offer the prayer) o 'Id-al-Adha or Al-Fitr prayer. Then he passed by the women and said, "O women! Give alms, as I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire were you (women)." They asked, "Why is it so, O Allah's Apostle ?" He replied, "You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you." The women asked, "O Allah's Apostle! What is deficient in our intelligence and religion?" He said, "Is not the evidence of two women equal to the witness of one man?" They replied in the affirmative. He said, "This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Isn't it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?" The women replied in the affirmative. He said, "This is the deficiency in her religion." (Sahih Bukhari 1: 6: 301)

    Sulayman ibn ‘Amr ibn Al Ahwas said:
    “My father narrated to me that he witnessed the farewell Hajj with Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). So he thanked and praised Allah and he reminded and gave admonition. He mentioned a story in his narration and he (Nabi sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “And indeed I order you to be good to the women, for they are but captives with you, over whom you have no power than that, except if they come with manifest evil behavior. If they do that, then abandon their beds and beat them with a beating that is not harmful. And if they obey you then you have no cause against them. Indeed you have rights over your women, and your women have rights over you. As for your rights over your women, then they must not allow anyone whom you dislike to treat on your bedding (furniture), nor to admit anyone in your home those you dislike. And their rights over you are that you treat them well in clothing them and feeding them.”
    (Sunan Tirmidhi, Hadith: 1163 and Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith: 1851)

    Ali Ibn Abi Talib (may Allah be pleased with him) said,
    “1 came to the Prophet accompanied with Fatimah but We noticed him weeping vehemently. I said, “I sacrifice you with my father and mother, Messenger of Allah. Why do you weep?” He said, “O Ali, in the night Journey (Isra) when I was taken up to the sky, I saw some women of my nation suffering some types of torture. Therefore, I wept because of their sever tortures. I saw a woman who was hanging from her hair and her brain was boiling. Another Woman was hanging from her tongue and a boiling fluid was being poured into her mouth. Another woman whose legs were tied to her breasts and her hands to her forehead and another who was hanging from her breasts. Another whose head was like a pig’s and body like a donkey and suffered million types of torture, and another woman who had the shape of a dog while the fire pierced her mouth until it left her body from the anus and the angels were also Scourging her with lashes of fire. Upon hearing that, Fatimah asked. O darling and the pleasure of my eyes, what were they doing to Suffer such torture? Then the Prophet said; O daughter, as for the woman who was hanged from hair, she would not cover her hair from men. The woman who was hanged from her tongue used to bring harm to her husband; the one who was hanged from her breasts cumulated her husband’s bed. The woman whose legs were tied to her breasts and hands to forehead and suffering from serpents and scorpions would not clean her body from major impurity or menstruation, and neglected prayer. The woman whose head was like a pig’s and had a donkey’s body was a talebearer and liar. As for the last one, she used to remind recipients of her charity to them and was envious. O daughter, woe to her who disobeys her husband.”

    • Salaam thank you all for your kinds words and advices. Id just like to point out that before getting involved in marriage i reserached extensivly into the role of a woman and a wife and the parting advice my father gave to me was that i was to make sure that i was attentive and my mother told me to love his family more than i love my own. I have implemented all of that, i am fully aware of my duties as a wife but i also know i have rights as a human to be considered in feelings. I always put others before my self i have done everything to make my husbands life easy. Some even say i have spoilt him. But that does not give him the right to speak to me like i dont matter, the only time he speaks well to me if he wants somethimg and or is feeling insecure and needs his ego boosting. When mentioning that i used to be a strong independant woman i mean that i never depended on any1 to pay my way i worked hard to get to where i did, enabling me to be the breadwinner before children, it was only after children i took a step back to be the home maker and concentrate on raising children, take on the role that a woman is "supposed" to have. I practice my deen as much as possible i pray my salat, i fast, give charity when i can, read quran almost daily yet i am married to man who has never fasted, may practice charity, has never prayed salat in the whole time of marriage apart from the 2 nafl we read together before we consumated our marriage (on my saying so), has never picked up the quran in the whole time ive known him and im still supposed to say yes sir no sir three bags full sir?? I want to educate my children towrads deen and not culture am i wrong for imposing those views? Then only to be shut down and told that i am a kafir? Or worse than a kafir??

      In no disrespect to you brother jubair but all the advices and referneces you have given have been from hadeeth literature, writings of MEN almost 200years after the prophet pbuh passed away. The quran teaches us that allah sent down a compleate and perfect book for guidemce and mercy. The true word of God alone and that we do not need anything else other than gods word alone.

      And this is a blessed Book which We brought down, so follow it and be reverent so that you may attain mercy.

      Lest you say, "The Scripture was only brought down to two groups before us, and we were unaware of their studies."

      Or lest you say, "Had the Scripture been brought down to us, we would have been better guided than them." A clear proof has now come to you from your Lord, a guidance and a mercy. So who is more transgressing than one who denies God's revelations and turns away from them? We shall repay those who turn away from Our revelations with the worst punishment for how they turned away.6:155-157

      .Quran 6:19] Say, "Whose testimony is the greatest?" Say, "God's. He is the witness between me and you that this Quran has been inspired to me, to preach it to you and whomever it reaches. Indeed, you bear witness that there are other gods beside God." Say, "I do not testify as you do; there is only one god, and I disown your idolatry."

      [Quran 6:38] We did not leave anything out of this book.

      [Quran 7:52] We have given them a scripture that is fully detailed, with knowledge, guidance, and mercy for the people who believe.

      [Quran 10:37] This Quran could not possibly be authored by other than God. It confirms all previous messages, and provides a fully detailed scripture. It is infallible, for it comes from the Lord of the universe.

      [Quran 12:111] In their history, there is a lesson for those who possess intelligence. This is not fabricated Hadith; this (Quran) confirms all previous scriptures, provides the details of everything, and is a beacon and mercy for those who believe.

      The prophet was also questioned by the unbelivers about the quran and was told to reply

      Say (O Muhammad), "I am not a novelty among the messengers, nor do I know what will happen to me or to you. I follow nothing other than what is revealed to me (Quran). I am no more than a clear warner." 46:9 

      And when Our verses are recited to them as clear evidences, those who do not expect the meeting with Us say, "Bring us a Qur'an other than this or change it." Say, [O Muhammad], "It is not for me to change it on my own accord. I only follow what is revealed to me. Indeed I fear, if I should disobey my Lord, the punishment of a tremendous Day." (10:15)

      Suggesting that the prophet was forbidden from making rulings outside if allahs law (the quran) and that the prophet only lived by the words of the quran.

      With all that in mind i find it hard to believe that a woman is of no value and that a man has so much authority and power over a woman.

      You did however reference sural al nisa (4:34) but i would like to point out the ayat before it that refers to claims on inheritance and the ayat in question is referring to men being the protectors of women financially and that a man may only discipline a woman if she is not DEVOUTLY obedint, meaning her obedience to God not to her husband. Because by being devout to god you are automatically obedient to everyone. This ayat has been taken out of context by MEN to use in the patriarchial society in which we live in which goes against the rights that islam gives and places to women. My orignal post was not a question of the role of man and wife but more the rights as a human being to be treated with some respect. Its a question of culture vs religion.

      Please feel free to check all quranic refernces and multiole translations and you will find that the message is clear.

      Thank you again to everyone for thier kind words and advice i have taken up time for myself and have i am using it to study my deen may allah guide us all and grant us mercy

      Salaam

      • Sister,
        I'm disgusted to know that your husband is a non practising muslim. He deserves nothing, quite frankly speaking.
        But I see, sister, you're into one of the deviant sects called "Qur'ani" or whatever they call themselves. I'm not here to change your views but I want to correct a few facts (false) that you mentioned.

        "you have given have been from hadeeth literature, writings of MEN almost 200years after the prophet pbuh passed away."
        This is not true, most of the hadiths were written within the first 20-60 years after Prophet's (PBUH) death. And sister do you really think Aisha (RA) who narrated hundreds of thousands of the hadiths was a man??? Wasn't she a woman?? What if they were all narrated and written by men? What's wrong with it? Do you hate men?

        You said you fast, pray, give charity right? how do you do that without Hadith? I mean how do you fast or pray? how will you do hajj etc.. The Noble Qur'an itself commands to follow the example set by the Prophet (PBUH) where'd you get the example of the Prophet (PBUH) without going back to the hadith literature??

        "that a man may only discipline a woman if she is not DEVOUTLY obedient, meaning her obedience to God not to her husband."
        Sister, I'm certain that it is you who is taking the verses out of context because your views are shared by 0.000001% of the Muslim ummah. They are not consistent with the Scholarly works neither are they consistent with the teachings of the Prophet (PBUH)

        • Salaam brother

          I do not identify with any sect. I am but a muslim, a submitter to allah and allah alone.

          I do not hate men, i believe males and females have thier own roles, neither of them is equal yet neither of them is superior or inferior to the other.

          I do not want to argue/debate about hadeeth leterature and authenticity because ultimatly i take Allahs words alone as allah is enough for me.
          As a fellow muslim my duty is to convey the truth and knowledge and i just have a simple request...read the quran with a clear mind and with understanding and only then will you understand the message that is clear that there is no diety worthy of worship apart from allah and allah alone. Do not associate anything or anyone to allah for allah doesnt need anything or anyone.

          In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
          Say: He is Allah, the One and Only;Allah, the Eternal, Absolute;He begetteth not, nor is He begotten;And there is none like unto Him. (Quran 112)

          May allah guide us all and have mercy upon us all

          • Sapphire, like you I do not ascribe to any particular sect. I follow the Quran and the authentic Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, sal-Allahu alayhi wa sallam.

            No Muslim can say, "I follow Quran only," while throwing the sunnah to the wayside. To do so is to believe only in half of the shahadah. Or did you forget that the shahadah has two parts?

            The Quran is the framework and the truth. The job of the Messenger of Allah (sws) was to show us how to put the Quran into practice. How to live it.

            To take but one example, do you pray the salat as Allah commanded us to do? If so, what is the format of your salat? How do you know how to do it? How do you know how many rakahs to pray, and what times to pray? How do you know what to say in each part of the salat?

            Anyone who claims to believe in the Quran must also follow the Rasul (sws), since the Quran itself commands us to follow him.

            To say that we follow the Quran but not the hadith is self-contradictory and meaningless.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • @Sapphire

        "The true word of God alone and that we do not need anything else other than gods word alone."

        This is clearly untrue....

        Noble Qur'an 4:59
        O you who have believed, obey Allah and obey the Messenger and those in authority among you. And if you disagree over anything, refer it to Allah and the Messenger, if you should believe in Allah and the Last Day. That is the best [way] and best in result.

        There's not a shred of doubt that the only way to obey the Messenger PBUH is by following his teachings which are recorded in the sahih hadith narrations.

        See, sister, little knowledge is a dangerous thing... May Allah SWT grant us knowledge and understanding,

Leave a Response