Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love a girl so much …. but I know I can’t have her

The Perfect

Asalam o alikum,

This is for the first time, I am sharing whats in my heart. I just can't keep all these emotions in my heart , it hurts.

I am a SUNNI Muslim. 27 years of age. In love with a girl who is SHIA. At first it was just normal. I just stare her and never talked to her. I don't know when it happens that I started to like her. She is beautiful, open minded, confident and when she smiles she just blows my mind. First I didn't know she's SHIA. I told her that I like you but she ignores me. The more she ignores me , the more I started to like her. I started to stalk her. Just go to the cafe where she comes with her friends, just for her one glimpse.

I just again told her that I like you so much and I wanted to be with you. She told me to stay away, we are different , our background is different, your harassing me etc.

I just tried  my level best to impress her, but all in vain. That girl used to make fun of me in front of her friends. Call me different words like crazy , stranger, jerk etc

Now my parents are trying arrange a marriage for me with some other girl. She is a doctor. But I don't like that doctor girl.

I love that SHIA girl so much that I can't think my life without her.

My Friends keep telling me that forget her, your marriage will be considered haram. SHIA / SUNNI marriages are haram.

But what do I do , she is always in my mind. I tried to make myself busy... I worked 14 hours a day to just completely forgot her. But If even I'm free for 5 minutes again I started to think about her.

I'm so much panic that sometimes I started to weep alone. My head hurts a lot. I was a very jolly guy, jolly with my parents but Now I don't go out with my friends, don't talk to my parents a lot, I just sit alone and think about that girl and the ways to get her. I tried to forget her but I swear to GOD I can't live without her.

From my childhood to up til now I have lived a very difficult life. My parents were unable to even pay my school fees, never bought a cycle , the people around me always tried to make me feel that I am nothing. But I worked hard and completed my education, Got good job... Now I'm a bit stable. In my whole life, I never liked or loved a girl.

But the girl I love is adventures , energetic, confident ..., artistic .. I mean that she has too much qualities.

When I see her smile ... i forgot everything, I just feel wow and I also start to smile.

I think she is best for me. I never had anything I wanted. In my whole life I compromised but In her case I can't compromise.

But in my mind I know I can't have her because of all these differences .... but my heart keeps pushing me that I can have her.

I can't lose that girl 🙁 or my whole life will become a living hell

Shahmeer

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5 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaikum brother,

    I understand how you feel. I don't want to start the Shia and Sunni debate but I would advice you to is get close to the one who can give you what you want and that is Allah the most powerful the most mighty.

    When we are depressed it's only naturally we incline ourselves to be alone and away from everything and that's exactly what the shaitaan wants to make you feel more miserable inside. When you feel sad and depressed pray to Allah to heal your pain , he is the best of healears. I understand how you feel been through that stage trust me you can come out of it. Yes if it will take time but only if we get closer to the one created us he will get you out of if even stronger and trust in Allah he only does what is best for us.

    Shia muslims have slightly different way of following Islam I am not subject expert but it's better you chose someone who follows what you follow. It's not the end of the world. Remember this life is temporary . Focus on your career and build your imaan and ask whatever you want from Allah and trust that whatever he gives in return is what's best for you.

    Wasalaam,
    Manaal

  2. Assalamualaikum brother, True satisfaction is loving yourself first and then the world gets attracted to you. You may have some psychological issues due to your past regarding parentral love so you are trying to seek it in a surrogate mother. Also you have some self-esteem issues as you deeply desire the qualities and type of life this girl has. You're not in LOVE but NEED LOVE to feel complete or satisfied with your life situation.

    Bottom line: work on your self. Treat yourself with what you like. Spend time making yourself happy. Make a lot of friends and hangout with them. Soon this girl won't be as significant as you feel.

    P.S. YOU WILL DEFINITELY IGNORE THIS ADVICE AND GET YOUR HEART BROKEN MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE YOU REALIZE THIS ADVICE.

  3. Brother,
    All that glitter is not gold.if you find sweets packed in a beautiful cover and you buy it in high price,then find it rotten when you open it what would you do?definitely you will yell and throw it away and regret for amount you paid.in your case it is that girl life and your life which once spoiled will have no choice to recover. When Allah swt is granting you a girl through your parents and on the other hand shaitan is blowing your mind through that girl by your own choice then you think what is more valueable?who loves you more!!!your parents or your nafs.definitly your parents love you much,not shaitan.this is a test of love for you.
    There is verse in Quran probably in surah Al nisa(not exactly,pls see it yourself)which says
    "Assa un tuhibbu sheyann wa howa sharrun lakumm,wa assa un tukrehu sheyann wa huwa khair ul lakumm."means it may be something you like but is bad for you and may be something you dislike and Allah has kept good for you in that."
    Just think upon it,look the details in tafaseer and analyze your situation.

    May Allah Swt protect you in this test.

  4. In my humble opinion, you must accept that you love in vain. Not because of the shia/sunni difference - that could be overcome - but rather because the girl does not seem to fancy you at all. Imagine if a girl you do not find appealing would chase you with her love wanting marriage: would you have any other honorable and reasonable choice but to turn her down?
    It is one of the hardest, one of the most painful lessons in life to learn: you can love as much as you want, but you cannot force somebody to reciprocate your love, no matter how hard you try. You must accept this just as you must accept that you cannot make the sun shine or the rain fall or the wind blow. I know from own experience that it is very painful. People have gone suicidal or committed murder out of jealousy or both being unable to cope with it. But time will heal the wound, and you will grow more mature enduring it.
    I would like to give you a few questions to think about; they may help you see all this in another light:
    How much do you really know her? Do you know her dreams, wishes, ambitions, needs? Have you ever had any meaningful conversation with her? Is it really her you are in love with? Or do you love the rosy picture in your mind you painted of her?
    Beware, for the human mind is very prone to think black-and-white: if we discover some good traits in someone we tend to assume that the other traits we have not yet experienced are good too. If we discover bad traits in someone we tend to assume the other traits to be bad as well. People struggle with the fact, that characters in real life are not entirely black or white but different shades of grey. I think this is the reason people like fairy tales: it is much more easy to comprehend characters which are entirely good or bad.

  5. Brother Shahmeer.
    I think everyone who reads your post will feel your raw pain at not being able to be with someone whom you think you love and would be perfect for you.

    Brother this is a very unhealthy and damaging obsession you have developed with this girl. She is not interested in you. However much it hurts you MUST accept this.

    You are suffering. Your life has no meaning without her. Can you imagine continuing to live like this for another 5 years?

    Brother, believe me, you are not the first person to have been unlucky in love. And you will most certainly not be the last. A lot of the people giving advice on here have been through similar experiences. You can overcome this. You CAN. Others have. So can you.

    I think you need therapy to help you break out of this prison you find yourself in. Pls don't feel you can't ask for help. Asking for help when things get overwhelming is a sign of stength.

    A skilled therapist can help you unpick what exactly is going on here and help you develop tools to move on from these feelings and find meaning in your life.

    Allah swt created us to worship Him. This obsession is getting in the way of you doing just that. So you must get help in order to address this.

    Our mental health is as important as our physical health. So pls don't delay in getting help for yourself. This is a sickness of the mind and the heart. And like sickness of the body, it can get better.

    You owe it to yourself to get better. To enjoy the life Allah has blessed you with. To create meaningful relationships.

    I would advise against marriage until you have recovered fully from this obsession. You cannot commit to another person wholeheartedly at the moment.

    I am praying for you. May Allah swt bless you and guide you out of this situation. You are young and insha Allah there's a whole world of goodness and happiness in store for you.

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