Am I allowed to tell his second wife of my existance as his first wife?
Asalama alaikum sisters and brothers.
Please answer my question. I am having a dilemma dealing with the situation. My husband and I are married for 3 years. Its been really beautiful in the beginning so much love and so much respect and lot of trust was our marriage. Suddenly my husband started changing and was withdrawn for me and was acting up e.g getting angry very quickly, saying hurtful words and talking about me to other people.
I have cried alot cos he is all I have got and I have loved him so much that for everything he said and has done has created this bad feeling in my heart that will not go away. I always think he is hurting me emotional cos I think am easily disposable to him. I tried to find out what was the real cause and to my shock he was having an affair. When I confronted him it was like I was the one who did it and now he married the same lady. The most hurtful part is he does not want to tell her of my existance - and this is hard for me.
He says he loves me and does not want divorce yet am not getting the respect I deserve. I am getting this overwhelming feeling to tell her about me but again I dont know if that is right islamically. I realy dont want to give up my marriage cos its not easy for me to just walk away after all this time, I am hurting and I dont know what to do. I have turned to this website cos I think its all I have to be able to move forward, either get a divorce or tell her, so I know for sure whether I am really wanted around. In this marriage it feels like a third wheel, I am tired of being in the dark and all the secrets. I just want to be happy but I do not know how to do it.
Am sorry. I really sound needy, pardon me. Thank you in advance, salam alikum
~Fiona
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Salaams,
It seems to me that your husband is being unfair to both you and his other wife. It would have been a courtesy to you to tell you that he was going to take a second wife, and needless to say if it arose out of zina that's a big concern. Unfortunately, there's nothing to stop him from doing that again to you and his new wife, by cheating with someone else and then taking her as a third wife. It sounds to me like he is not very trustworthy at all. Clearly the way he has gone about all this is very dishonoring to you.
It is devaluing to his new wife as well. Needless to say, she has the right to know if she is marrying someone who already has a previous wife. She should have been able to make an informed decision, and arguably she has been duped into a marriage with your husband under false pretenses and it may very well be that she can get her marriage nullified altogether because of that. One thing I agree with you about, she should be told the truth as soon as possible, but I am tending to think that you probably should NOT be the one to do it. I am saying this because it sounds like he is already blaming you for why he had an affair, so certainly he will blame you for ruining whatever relationship he thinks he has with her if you tell his other wife the truth.
Ask yourself two questions: 1. Do you want to remain married to someone who will possibly betray you again and who is untrustworthy? 2. Do you want to be a part of a polygamous marriage? If the answer to these is "no", I would confront your husband. Tell him that you want a divorce, and if he refuses to give you one you will seek one on your own.
If you think you still want to try to work this out with him (personally that would not be a choice I'd be entertaining in your position) then give him an ultimatum that he must tell his new wife the truth within a weeks time. If he doesn't, you should be seeking a divorce. If you are divorced from him and you decide to approach her and tell her the truth, at that point I don't think you would have anything to lose...but make sure you have the purest of intentions before doing anything like that. It would be extremely difficult not to say something to her out of spite or revenge (I know I certainly would be tempted to), but Allah wants more for us than that.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaikum,
While I partly concur with Sister Amy's advice, I do feel that it is acceptable to inform the other wife of the entire situation, as this would honor your rights and hers'. This man has created this situation, so it's time for him to deal with it, and if he does get upset, nothing was gained or lost. Living in secret, unless you are being persecuted by a government, is never a healthy option for a human being, especially when it comes to marriage. When you said this part,
When I confronted him it was like I was the one who did it...
it's shows his cowardice and his ill intentions. A man upon the path of Allah (swt) would never hide his intention for a second wife and should be fair to both wives in telling each one about it. While he has the right to take another wife, he should have afforded you the courtesy of knowing, whether you decided upon divorce or not. Of course, this was not the case because of his illicit affair. As Sister Amy has said, you have two questions to ask yourself.
Also, there's the dynamic of divorce proceedings, should that occur, and how his adulterous affair will be an aspect of such as a cause of filing and seeking the proper legal resolution.