maa jalesy iz killing me
My husband has been talking to his ex on the phone
salaam alkium brotherz n sistetz
I don’t know where to start but I always ask myself who is right, me or hubby. I’m going crazy, please help me.
I got married to my lovely husband and it was my first love alhamdulilah, but sometimes I feel like I have make a mistake in marrying him,
My husband has a son from a previous marriage. I don’t know why I get jealous of his ex, even though she is in London and we are in Manchester and even though he tells me he has nothing to do with her, that he loves me, that he chose me over her – but I do . I get jealous when he asks her for money (when I have told him many times that I don’t want him to ask her for anything and I don’t want her to be a part of our lives - but he doesn’t listen. I know in Islam the husband has to care for his child, even though they’ve split. I have no problem with that, but there is a question in my mind: why did he divorce her when they are so good on the phone (when she calls him to talk to his son)? I wanted to ask him that question when he fist told me about his ugly ex and child, but then I kept quiet just to save my marriage, but I can’t handle it anymore.
When we go to London, he goes to see his child and stays there for two days. I have no idea what they are doing, He clams that her grandmother is living with her. I have heard her grandmother’s voice over the phone, but still I think: is what he us saying true? And the grandmother is old which means she will go to sleep early, so I assume that they will have some time together. I don’t know what they are doing. I think: does the ex have feelings for him still? I don’t know what to think anymore, I’m sick and tired. Only Allah can see what I’m going through. I’m suffering in silence. When she calls him, he talks to her in a way that makes me more suspicious. He has changed now, he doesn’t tell me what is on his mind or what his plans are. I tell him everything that happens to me, but I found out eventually what he is doing.
Help! Is it only me and my jealousy or what is it? I don’t want to go to hell, I love my husband. I don’t want this marriage to break down. He is so nice an sweet.
We have been married almost one year now, and alhamdulilah I have a beautiful daughter called Aisha who is 1 month old.
- asli
25 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Asli, Walaikumsalaam,
Yo girl, I have struggled through reading your post and couldn't help breaking into a 'rap' while doing so, it just made the 'iz' and 'dat' less painful to read, lol, sorry I couldn't help that. Anyhow I am sure this same question of yours has been answered before. Just incase it has not:
With regards to your jealousy - you have not stated anything that makes me think that your husband is giving you reason to feel so jealous. Your husband's ex-wife will and should always have a role in his life because she is the mother of his child. It is absolutely not from Islam, that upon divorce, the couple should become rude and disrespectful with one another. If they are able to communicate well and be respectful to one another, this is healthy, more Islamic and good for their child - this does not mean that they are in love and are having a secret affair behind your back, or want to get back together. Such a man has good manners is more God fearing than the man who gets divorced and then mistreats his ex-wife.
With regards to money matters, if the ex-wife is contributing towards the upbringing of her son, then why should this be an issue? If of course your husband is taking money from his ex-wife for something else, then I would question this.
The reason why your husband has become so secretive is most probably because he knows you will scream and have a fit of jealousy everytime he mentions his child. So seriously, give your husband some breathing space, support him in the rearing of his son who you should also try to love and treat as your own child. Ask your husband to invite his son to your family home so he can spend time with him there 'comfortably' so that he does not 'have' to escape to his ex wife's house.
If he loves you and is sweet to you, that is good maashAllah, take comfort in this. The only thing that will drive him away from you and towards his ex-wife is your jealousy. So Sister 'breathe', anytime you feel a fit of rage or jealousy coming over you, sit down, take five minutes and seek refuge with Allah(swt) from shaytaan, say: 'Aoudhubillahi-Minashaytaan-nirajeem'. Surely these suspicious thoughts are aroused by Shaytaan, so do your best to expel them with positive thoughts.
Learn to face reality: Your husband has a child from a previous marriage, Alhumdulillah seek out the blessings in this. A child is a beautiful being and Allah will reward you for showing him love and for supporting your husband. This child is your daughter Aisha's elder brother, so set a good example for your daughter. I guarantee you when you start accepting this and start trying to reap the benefits of this situation (that is not at all bad), you will become calmer and the love and trust between you and your husband will blossom. And remember, your husband chose to leave his ex-wife and marry 'you' - that should really say it all so do away with the green eyed monster and try to see the good in things!!
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam sister
i understand your feeling coz iam also a married women and a mom of two kids Iam really sorry for wht you are feeling
on you part i want to tell you that dont assume things coz it leads to many problems between husband and wife
on your hubbys part i want to say that if he has divoced her then he shuldnt even speak to her or even look at her face its haram to speak to her or have any communication but he has the right to look after his son .U have to have a conversation with him about this and try to tell him the rules of shariah and ask him to follow it .If u r jst suspicious dont be as it will lead to a problem .
May Allah grant you with lots of happiness in your life
The reason the beginning of the post is broken up into paragraphs and the rest is not is because I was editing the post, but then I gave up due to the strange spelling and decided to leave it as it is.
With that said, let's offer constructive advice on the question posed, and not all hassle the sister over spelling, etc. I just wanted to put that out there in advance, and I don't mean you SisterZ as you have given excellent advice. I'm speaking to those who may comment after me.
Remember the words of the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) who said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him say what is good or be silent."
Jazakum Allah khayr.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam respected sir
do you think i have adviced something wrong if yes please do correct me
jazakallah
Salaam Sam, I think Wael is referring to future posters, not you as he said "anyone who posts after me" and you posted before him and he knew that when he wrote. I think he is pre-emptively making sure everyone understands why the question is written the way it is, just in case :0)
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
salam sis
Thanx for correcting me but i wanted to knw whether i was wrong in my thinking thats y i posted if i was wrong do correct me coz i want to learn by my mistakes
I have not taken it in a negative way
By the way thanx once again for correcting me
Hey, someone edited it! Was that you Leyla? Good job.
Sam, your response was fine, nothing wrong with it. I actually had not even seen your comment when I wrote mine.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Wael,
Yes - I had to edit it, I couldn't just leave it like that.
I tried to let it go but I couldn't.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
salam brother
not an issue sir iam sorry if i was rude
jazakallah
I have to disagree with SisterZ on this one, at least partly.
Asli, I understood from your post that when your husband goes to London to see his child, he stays in his ex-wife's home for two days. That is totally inappropriate and unacceptable from an Islamic standpoint, especially since, as you said, there is no one else there except the grandmother who goes to bed early, leaving them alone together.
If I were in your position, I would not accept it at all.
Why can't he pick up his son and bring him back to Manchester to stay with both of you for a few days? Or, why can't he take you with him when he goes to visit his son?
Is it possible that you, Asli, are part of the problem? SisterZ said, "Ask your husband to invite his son to your family home so he can spend time with him there 'comfortably' so that he does not 'have' to escape to his ex wife's house." Have you done this? Have you made him feel that his son is welcome in your home, or that you would be willing to go with him to London? Or have you made him feel that you detest his son and want nothing to do with him?
I think you need to have a serious talk and tell him his behavior is inappropriate and you will not accept it. However, in doing so, you must offer alternatives that will work Islamically and allow him to see his son. Which means that you may have to reconsider your own behavior as well.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam my Sister,
I am sorry for this pain that you are experiencing. I would not be able to find a way to accept that my husband was not home with me because he was staying at his ex wife's home overnight. So, I'm with Wael on that issue.
Everything else regarding his child and his ex-wife and the relationship they have you must accept and you will get used to in time. It is better for everyone involved for them to have a good relationship, as this way they can discuss things as adults and not attack each other and make life difficult for each other and cause strain and heartache for all of you. It is much better for your husband to have a positive relationship with his ex wife than to always be fighting with her: fighting with her would actually consume more of his time and attention than being at peace with her.
Also, you are new in marriage. At the beginning of a relationship there is a great deal of insecurity because you still do not know each other and you have not learned each other's habits, but over time you will get to know each other and you will know when something is right and when something is wrong. In early marriage you are always asking "is this normal?" "is that normal?" - but the day comes when you don't wonder about these things so much, because you see your husband every day and you can explain most of his behaviours and you know him inside and out.
About the sleepovers at his ex wife's house: unacceptable. My recommendation to you is to tell your husband that he is free to see his son, but he cannot spend the night with his ex-wife. He does not need to stay overnight at his ex wife's house to see his son, So there is no blame on you for finding this unacceptable.
He may accept it straight away, and say OK, or he may argue with you over it. If you find yourself in conflict, he will come at you with many reasons and justifications, he may raise his voice, or get upset. When he does this, do not falter or think "let me just give in to keep the peace" and do not be scared - just stay calm, and speak in a calm voice and show that you will not budge. Repeat: "when you stay at her house, you dishonour me and you dishonour our marriage and you have to stop staying overnight. I am not coming between you and your child - I am telling you that you cannot stay overnight in another woman's house". Because what you are saying is true, he will understand that he has to stop this.
I pray he concedes this point quickly inshaAllah.
All married couples will have their fights my sister, and there are good fights and bad fights. The good fights are the one's where the couple learn about a principle or a moral they are neglecting and begin to adopt that moral, and the bad fights are when each party only wants to win and no one wants to learn. Because this problem is about morals and principles, I am sure that you will both come out better: do not fear to stand up for what is right and combat what is wrong, your husband is not only dishonouring you but himself also.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Wael/Leyla,
Thanks for picking up on that point - that Asli's husband stays at his ex-wife's house over night. I completely didn't notice it all. I agree with you both that it is totally unacceptable behaviour and needs to be dealt with.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
PS: Good job with the editing Leyla :).
Salaam sis;
U been suspicious and jealous is absolutely understandable, its all ur hubby's fault, wht he is doing is not legal in Islam. He can't stay at his ex place that too overnight and that too for more the one night , he may not be doing anything Haram but his act is not right and you should talk 2 him openly let just be strong and face it and finish it once 4 all, instead of burning within, ask him not to stay at her place if he wants 2 see his son then see him in day time and at public place, not to talk to her ex over phone 4 long, just sort it out, take it coolly handle it with care, just do it and liv in peace, may Allah make it easy 4 you and guide you adn ur hubby and all fellow Muslims to the right path Ameen 🙂
Assalam O Alaikum all:)-
Brother Wael, Sister Leyla and Sister Z,
I just wanted to know about the fact that the brother (sister Asli's husband) takes money from his wife. Even, if he takes money to support their child then, is it right/allowed in Islam for a man to take that money. As, a man is supposed to support his children. I just want to know what is the ruling about this issue. Can a women also support her children no matter if they are living together (husband and wife) or separated? Any reference.
I hope brother Wael won't mind me posting this question here as I was reading the post and reply from Sister Z or Sister Leyla(saying that it's ok for the husband to take money from his ex-wife to support the child).
Barak Allah feek.
Salaam mks1982,
My understanding is that it is not an obligation on the woman to support a man financially, however if she does so out of her own free will, then that is considered a charity from her.
There is a Q&A in this link, which clarifies the issue a little better: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=4337&CATE=205
Hope it helps,
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Wasalam Sister Leyla!
I really appreciate your input on this matter as I have been trying to find about this one for a while now. Sister! link doesn't work but I think the way it is that, if a women (wife) supports his family in any way like sharing rent, bills, paying for kid's school etc then I believe whatever she spends, her husband should keep a record (treat her as debtor or special liability as we call in "accounting")of that and should pay her afterwards when he is financially stable.
I mean, primarily she is not working to support her family and this is her husband's responsibility to support the children, pay bills, rent, other household expenses. What ever she earns, she can spent on herself in anyway she wants. I don't know what's Islamic ruling on this particular issue but Insha Allah I will find out sooner or later. Thanks once again for your time sis, it's Allah's blessing to have brothers and sisters like you guys on this panel:)-
Wala alam.
Mks1982:)-
Alhamdulillah some points were picked up sooner than later..At first as i started reading I was worried that they were being missed! (That of the husband stayign with ex , which is TOTALLY unacceptable and unislmaic and definitely needs to change)
Another important issue which I noticed and Mks1982 has brought up also is why in the world is he taking money from her??? It does not make sense to me?
Islamically, whether a couple are together or not, the father is obliged to provide for the child financially. This is regardless of whether he is together with the mother or not because nothing can change the fact of him being the father and responsible over that. So why is he taking money from HER instead of it being the other way round really???
It would have made more sense had it been the ex taking money from him for their child.
Other than this, Sister Asli, I cannot offer better advice than ones already given. Be patient sister...your jealousy is natural but try to keep it very distant and not let it affect ur relationship with your step son. He is innocent in all this and he needs a father just like your little girl Aisha does. Expect your reward from Allah s.w.t inshallah. 🙂
Was salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah
DEAR WALI THANK U ALL 4 UR INTERST 2 UNDERSTAND ME 1ST THEN 2 REPLY 2 MY POST .
BUT 2 BE HONEST WITH U ALL I HAV TIRD 2 TALK 2 MY HUBII ABOUT THIZ MATTER IN EVERY TYM I TALK 2 HIM HE THINKS WRONG OF ME ,HE THINKS THAT I WANT HIM N HIZ UGLY EX 2 BREAK DOWN SOO THAT SHE NEVER SHOW HIM IZ UGLY SON BUT WALHI ITZ NOT LYK DAT I WANT 2 UNDERSTAND WAT I'M GOING THROUGH N CONVINSE ME BUT WE ARGU EVERY TYM N ,HE THINKZ THAT I MAK HIZ LYF HELL I GAV UP I DONT WANT ANY PROBLEMZ IN MY LYF , I HAV A DUAGTHER I DONT WANT HER 2 BE WITHOUT A DAD COZ I KNOW WAT IZ LYK 2 BE WITH OUT A DAD I HAV PUTED MY TRAST IN ALLAH AS A SAYING WAT GOES AROUND COMEZ BACK AROUND ,BROTHER EVERY TYM I TELL HIM WAT U DOING IZ HARAAM HE SAY ITZ OK I'M NOT DOING SOMTHING HARAAM I DONT TREAST HIM ANY MORE I'M JUST LIVING 4 MY DUAGTHER WALAHI .IF ONLY SHE GOT MARRIED THIZ WOULDNT HAV HAPPEND I WOULD LIV WITHOUT ANY PROBLEM BUT 1 DAY INSHLAH WILL HAPPEN
1 MORE THING
WEN I SAY 2 HM LET OUR DUAGTHER GET 2 KNW HER BROTHER LETZ GO THERE N VISIT THEM HE SAYZ NOO NEED HOW DO U THINK I FEEL ?HE MAK ME HATE HIS SON N HIZ UGLY EX
I HAV SOOO MANY QUSTIONS I WANNA ASK HIM BUT WATZ DA POINT IT LEADZ 2 ARGU WHISH I DONT WANT OOH ALAH HELP ME
You are not jealous, there maybe truth to your suspicions. I would suggest seriously start considering a life of your own without this man. First be prepared emotionally and financially, then confront him and tell him that what he is doing is totally unacceptable, try two or three times calmly, without anger, without jeaolusly, if he does not listen then insist that you would like to see his grandmother by visiting her in person. At this point most probably he will totally be caught between the rock and the hard place, the truth will come out eventually. If he does not mend his ways consider divorce, you don't want to go through life living for his faults.You MUST protect yourself financially during this time, hide it if you have to, you should prepare for the worse and hope for the best.
Bismillah
... One thing men don't realize is women are very intuitive, this is why the the smartest-dumbest of men always get caught 🙂 .. Anyway, the point being here is that it's possible your instincts might be correct, because for a man to STAY,SLEEP at his ex wife's house is very odd. Not only that, (which this too, men don't get - no offense bros), but yes their phone conversations say A LOT about what they're doing, ie tone of voice. I don't think you're jealous as much as your gut is telling you something and you're making an excuse for it.
HOWEVERRRRR, a Muslim, as wife,you must, and I repeat, you must give him the benefit of the doubt. The nature of people is such; the more you ask, the more you pester the more they are inclined to do what you
dont' want them to do. That's human nature,we're rebels!!!
So to deal with you husband make sure you don't "fight" about it, support him.....wisely. Say, "sweetheart, I just hate how you go to London by yourself , plus I really want to spend time with you and little Mohammed, how about we go together". See what he says. Then another time try "honey, How about littleMohammed comes over and stays with us a while, it'll be great." DO NOT push your husband away by saying exactly how you feel. Then another time when you and his child start devloping a relationship suggest that you deal with his ex wife and it's more appropriate.
As for him seeing her, staying with her........this is stupid on his part. As Br. Wael said TOTALLY unacceptable. If your husband senses you're overly attached he'd push his limits because he knows how you you love him and forgive him without much ado (again, human nature at it's finest...we are very complicated creatures).
Obviously your relationship suffers from trust issues, rightly so.......mine would to if the guy is talking to his ex all hush hushy, and defintely if he stays with them. If you find that he isn't coming around, or isnt' opening up. Then try a driect (but not jealous) approach. "Sweetheart, you clearly aren't yourself lately, and I'm concerned about our relationship. It appears you may be having feelings for your ex again".. then naturally he'll say "no, you're just being insecure blah blah", then you say "well, okay fair enough, how about then you invovle me in seeing little muhammad I'm feeling left out". He may say "okay" or he may say "naah... blah blah"... slowly but surely with patience and time, he'll come around. But don't give him any excuse to act a fool. As in, support him until you are certain of his actions(ie give him the benefit of the doubt unless he gives you reason not to). In which case by then, you need to be extremely direct and firm.. Wa Allahu Alim!!
salaam i dont have any proper advice sis - and i definetly agree what you husband is doing is unacceptable! very unacceptable. But the way in which you write your post suggests very strong feelings of jealously even hatred. Hate what your husband is doing, but dont talk bad about his ex wife or his son! im referring to : "UGLY EX 2 BREAK DOWN SOO THAT SHE NEVER SHOW HIM IZ UGLY SON" This is not nice ata ll dear sis. I appreciate that your not happy about this but ask Allah to help you control your emotions.
If your an emotional angry wreck, do you think your husbands going to listen to u? Hes probably just thinking "shes jealous, she wants to break up me and my son etc" and his bad attitude is making u hate them. its like a vicious circle. You have to regain control and STOP it! Be REASONABLE! His son is HIS SON. You have to accept him into his fathers life willingly dear sis. Dont hate the boy, even if you dont say it your husband can sense the way u feel and will feel that you are trying to get inbetween him and his son. How would u feel if you remarried an it was your new husband saying stuff about your "UGLY DAUGHTER" and insulting her. You'd think thats my daughter, why on earth is he jealous of her!?
So dont hassle your husband - speak to him kindly but firmly. Reassure him you dont want to push his son away from him and your happy for him to spend time with him at your house or at his (with you present) but that staying over there without you is not islamic. (Dont shout/scream/cry/get emotional - but let him know you wont back down on this. Compromise a bit if need be - but staying over is a definete no) Be respectful, nice but hold your ground. His ex will be a part of his life as they have a son you must accept this, but there must be boundaries.
And be nice to his son. His son is part of him. Try to get to know him, make him feel welcome. You have a daughter so u know a parents love for their child. InshaAllah this will make your husband feel more comfy to bring him over and to not stay over there. Also if your husband stops staying over there be nice to him, be kind.
Make an effort to look beautiful and be kind. Men love beauty. I knew a sister who did this for her husband (who was always arguing with her) and he couldnt help but listen to her and be nice to her. Men also hate hassle and the HATE women nagging at him. So explain to him kindly WHY its not islamic an unecessary - quote hadiths if necessary, an give him other options but stick to ur guns.
The essence of what Im saying is:
- control your temper an emotions
- be strong but nice, - you dont want to make him angry - you just want the inappropriatness to stop
- make an effort with his son an ask Allah to warm ur heart towards him. Make him feel welcome at the home.
- Pray, make dua, ask Allah swt for help. You will be rewarded for your kindness and understanding in this situation (towards your husband and his son) You will also be rewarded for enjoining good and forbidding evil (see surah al asr 103). The prophet SAW used to have the best of manners and enjoined good and forbidded evil in the nicest way. You can follow a Sunnah by doing the same. Allah is testing u - so rise above it all and seek to please Him. Who knows? If you handle this correctly, this could be ur ticket to Jannat sis.
Sister Yusra left the following comment:
salaam alkium every1
im da who wrot about her jealisy with her husband long tym ago .
i tok my brother wali n every 1 advise about that matter n my hubii sleeping in hiz ex wif
everything that i thought of was wrong da shytan was making mak beliv everthing but alahmdulah i got over it and i asked my hubii thesesz follwing qustionz.
wat do u do wen u go 2 ur ex wif 2 see ur son
who iz there u need muharam in islam u not allwod 2 do that
he explained everything 2 me n i applijised 4 him me thinking wrong about him but wat can we do we r women n alah mad uz lyk that (we dont lyk our man 2 be shrad anyway wat got me even happer iz that she got married cople of weekz agoi was waitting 4 thiz thing 2 happen long tym ago 2 convince my slfeven though he has chosn me over still i wasnt complet till thiz day alahmdulah my lyf iz back on tarack n hiz son livez with uz now calling me mumy as well just lyk hiz sister
THANK U 2 EACH 1 OF U WHO SPORRTED ME N MUST OF ALL I THANK MY GOOD 4 HELPNG ME SEE THE TRUTH
SALAAM ALKIUM
Good Result MashaAllah!
Hope you all live happily ever after now inshaAllah : )
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Alhumdulilah!
I am so pleased to hear that it has been sorted!
May Allah swt give you both happiness in this life and the next!
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor