I was guilty and repented, so how much should I reveal to my future husband?
Asalaam'alaikum,
I may be getting married soon and I have a question to ask. A few years ago I was engaged to a man of bad character (he used to go the clubs) and was forced to be in an engagement with him. We talked on the phone only, but later on we started to talk about inappropriate things and one thing led to another.
Since this person was at a far distance from me, we did not meet at all for the above mentioned purpose.
Now that I have a potential proposal, the potential person's family and the man himself is asking me whether I was/ had been in such a relationship. My parents are telling me to tell him/his family as little as possible about my past relationship (they do not know about the inappropriate stuff).
I have repented but what should I do? How can I please Allah in this case? Should I tell him of my case or hide it completely? I do not want to be guilty of misleading someone.
Please help me as I am under distress. May Allah help you, in helping me in guiding me aright.
- needadvice
Entries(RSS)
Asalaamualaykum,
1) Consequences of actions and Tawbah: Sister, you made a mistake and unfortunately the pain and guilt you are feeling is a harsh consequence of wrong actions. So let this feeling be a warner and reminder to you against falling to such sin again. Say Alhumdulillah that you never actually met this man and things did not go further. All Allah asks of you is that you stop sinning, you do sincere tawbah and you work on improving your character. All humans are capable of sinning but Allah says in the Quran [2:222]: ‘Allah loves those who do repentance ‘Tawba'.
Click on this link for tawbah in Islam: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/
2) Think Highly of Allah: It is not right for a Muslim to despair so much that you lose hope in Allah, this is also a sin. The key is to strike a balance between hope and fear of Allah. Let the fear stop you from sinning and let the hope allow you to move forward. So think the best of Allah, know that He(swt) is The Most Merciful and The Most Compassionate. Allah says in the Quran [39:53]: "Do not despair of God's mercy; He will forgive you of all your sins".
3) Forgiving yourself: In order to move on in a healthy manner, you must forgive yourself and realise that when those wrongs were done, you were weak in faith. Now you are striving to improve your character to be a better person. If Allah promises to forgive you and He(swt) does, take comfort and confidence in this; don't reject this gift from Allah. Every time you breathe in, this is a new moment of your life. Take each new moment as a chance to start fresh. As you become closer to Allah through repentance and obedience, you will begin to respect yourself and love yourself again and it will feel sweet and warm.
4) Concealing your sins: With regards to your future husband. There is absolutely no need to tell him of the inappropriate side of your relationship. All you need to tell him is that you were looking into marrying another man but it just didnt work out. Allah has protected your honour by covering your sin, so you Sister, have an obligation to also protect your honour by concealing your sin. Telling your future husband would be of no benefit to either of you, it would only shame you and further more, you would risk losing this marriage proposal. Even if it went ahead, your husband may start doubting your character and become jealous. Any guilt you feel is better left between you and Allah, do not burden your fiance with this. If your fiance is happy with you, let it stay that way and allow your future/marriage to blossom.
Abdullah Ibn Masoud (رضي الله عنه) related, ‘A man came to the Prophet and said: ‘O Messenger of Allah! I have mingled with a woman in the far side of al-Medina, and I fulfilled my desire short of actually having sexual intercourse with her. So, here am I, judge me according to what you decide.’ Umar Ibn al-Khattab (رضي الله عنه) then said: ‘Allah had kept your secret, why did not you keep your secret?’ [Sharh Muslim]
***
So Sister, I hope my advice gives you some peace in remaining silent, in working towards doing tawbah, improving your connection with Allah, thinking Highly of Him(swt) and in looking forward to your marriage inshaAllah.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Beautiful response sisterZ 🙂 MashaAllah .. little else to be said eh
(and thank you for your kind words to me on the other post) 🙂