Can’t get my fiance’s bad past out of my head
Assalamualaikum
I have done quite a few wrongs in life, but always stayed in limits. Never been clubs, never drank alcohol, never touched a girl or never done drugs either because all these things are haram. And about 5 months ago I got engaged and I speak to my fiance almost everyday. Now that I see her often she has opened up to me a bit, and told me about her past, where all the problems start.
She's a muslim girl but not very practicing, does not cover up yet (said she would in a few months), and has a really bad past which really bothers me. I really like her as she is a very good person now unlike she was in her past.
So relating to the main problem about my fiance's past, she told me almost everything. she's gone clubbing and used to wear short skirts, used to drink alcohol and even blaze. Also she has had about 4-5 boyfriends, which she hasn't done zina with, but has kissed them multiple times. Now I don't even know if she has told me everything or hiding the real harsh parts about her past.
The problem is that my friends and everyone I have asked up to now has given me more of a western reply saying its alright, its her past, not like she has slept with anyone and get over it. But I am a guy who holds on to the basics of islam and was hoping to have a wife with my fiance's present qualities and no past.
I really can't get it out of my head, and can imagine her with her past boyfriends as I know a few of them. Also the fact that she used to wear skirts and short dresses gets to me even though she doesn't anymore.
What I think to myself is that every human being does mistakes in life and it is between Allah ( SWT ) and that person, and we are no one to judge them, but knowing everything it is still really hard.
I would really appreciate any kind of replies from my brothers and thank you all for running such an amazing website to help the muslim ummah.
Assalamualaikum
~Musa1562
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Asalaam alaikum,
To be honest, it's not the past that is bothering you so much as it is whether you feel you can trust her or not. Answer that question and it should put your mind to rest, because trust is the essential component to love, respect and faithfulness. With it, the latter three are futile.
You also need to decide what it is that you really want in a wife: a devout and pious woman with no past, a striving one towards reformation or a "I'll get there later" wife. There's all individual cases, but those are the basic categories. I think you should determine what is acceptable to you in the present time and what you wish for in the future. For example, you should not hold your hopes on whether she will wear a hijab in the future, though from what I know, you can make it a condition of your nikkah. You also need to figure out if smoking marijuana is something that she has ceased completely, as well.
Since she opened up this can of worms, you could be inclined to ask her if there are any photos of her online doing any of this stuff, if that would bother you in the future.
What is a bit more difficult is the fact that you know her ex-boyfriends and this is problematic, because frankly speaking, if you do get married to her, it would be most advisable that they are never around her. There are several hadiths in which the Holy Prophet advised husbands to not allow suspect men into their homes or allow men to enter a woman's home without two people present. This is an avoidance measure and fulfills the verse of men and women acting as garments for each other, and the fact that Muslim men are "guardians" over their wives.
However, take into consideration that she is trying to change. She's ceased with the short skirts and has left her some of her past behind her. Gauge where she is in her religious pursuits and if she is matching a pace that you can live with. It is possible that one day she may surpass you in adherence to the rules of Islam, but for now, you need to determine what steps you need from your potential wife.
Has she has disassociated from those people from her past that were also corrupt? Can you accept her as she is now? Can you trust her? Etc., etc.
Marriage is a great responsibility and adhering to the laws of Allah (swt) is an even greater and rewarding one. Do you feel that this woman will help onto that path of Eternal Light and Mercy of Allah (swt)? That is the most important question of all.
Don't marry her in my opinion because her past is bothering you too much. I don't think you'll ever get over it and that's very unfair to her. It doesn't seem like she's changed that much anyway. You need to also stop justifying your own past as well and put that behind you. It's not a nice feeling knowing that yoru wife has "been around" and that's why it requires men of great strength to overlook their pasts, unfortunately there are not enough men who have this character out there. So don't marry her unless you can completely put everything aside and never mention anything to her ever again.
As salamu alaykum, brother Musa,
I hope you forgive me, you ask for replies from brothers, I am a sister.
Brother pray Istikhara and look for Allah(swt) guidance, listening to your words, I believe insha´Allah you will get out of this cloud of confusion very soon.
Something I would like you to think about it is the fact that you are talking to everyone about her past, she tolds you, she trusted you, ...why do you share her past weaknesses with your friends and, in your words, everyone?
A tip that will tell you if you can handle the situation will be if you can stop thinking about her past and if you can stop questioning her about it, please be honest about it to yourself because your life can turn into a living hell if you are not able to leave it behind and both of you insha´Allah, deserves the best.
Look for refuge on Allah(swt) if you feel too disturbed.
Just one more thing, ask her to do tawbah about her past, to repent sincerely and to get closer to Allah(swt) from Heart, to stop talking about her sins and keep them sealed between Allah(swt) and her.
Only Allah(swt) knows what is waiting for both of you, whatever is the decision taken, insha´Allah will be the best for both of you.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If it bothers you so much why are you considering her for marriage most men get board with their wives after 8 months from what I've observed.
Salaams,
I think everyone is different in their capability of seeing someone beyond what they might know about them or their past. And just for the record, it doesn't just happened for past actions, as I'm inclined to think if someone who has a lower tolerance for such things were to marry someone who committed a particular sin or offense after marriage, they might have a hard time putting that behind them and forgiving them then.
Some people can meet another person whose past life is littered with drug use, fornication, violence and even a criminal record, but can see the person as they truly are now with little regard for what they might've been before meeting them. Others would hear just one of the above and have the most difficult time getting it out of their brain, and would be disabled in their efforts to maintain a trusting and caring relationship with that person.
In reality, every one of us is split in two- we have a nafs and we have our fitras, and sometimes one is more prevalent than the other. Even in one person, we have weak moments and strong moments...moments when our nafs is out of its cage and showing itself to everyone around; and moments where our souls are grounded in our best potential and inspiring others. When we look around at others and see someone as "just a nafs", we become disdainful of them and treat them in a lesser way than they might deserve. When we look at others without acknowledging their nafs at all, we end up idealizing someone up to a level they can never fulfill because once their nafs comes into play it will leave us shattered and dissappointed.
We should try to treat and care for everyone as though we were all striving to do our very best, while maintaining simple accountability for mistakes made as we go.
If you are looking for someone who "hasn't sinned that much", you might be downplaying the fact that despite what may or may not have happened in their past, they are just as capable of any of us of committing a great wrong at any given time. How do you know someone hasn't just come across the right temptation for them yet? It's entirely possible that they haven't, but because they haven't been "tested" yet, they might fail right off when they are.
Yet, for someone who has been around a few blocks and is truly trying to get their life together, they are saavy to what brings them down and where they are weak and how they need to be strong. They might not have walked a perfect life from the start, but they know exactly what needs to be done to stay away from the mistakes they've already made and suffered from. Sometimes these individuals end up being stronger in the deen because of their hard-learned lessons than others who have been able to avoid them.
You alone can determine what you are capable of as far as accepting her, trusting her, loving her unconditionally, etc. If you aren't capable of being what she would need, there's no sin in that. It's better you know yourself and be honest with her that she needs someone stronger than you. If you think with time and concentration you can rise above the worries that snare you now, then go forward with her. The bottom line is that she has not let her challenges keep her from moving forward, and neither should you...whatever that looks like for you.
....just some thoughts, I hope they help....
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You have recieved some excellent advice above, i would like you to consider what i say as a alternative point of view, this requires self evalutation and some deep thinking but combined with what you have read and understood above should help you come to a decision beneficial to you and your future.
At this point in time you are engaged, and have been so for 5months i assume it was arranged since your knowledge of her is limited, you admit that as you talked and saw her more she opened up to you and revealed her past.
The fact that she chose to open up to you and reveal all this shows trust, it would have been easier to conceal all of this but she chose to tell you in confidence and trust since you are her life partner to be.
A past can be good, bad or ugly, regardless of this it will never come back and cannot be bought back, it cant be changed, repaired or altered. so its a question of being happy with what you have or flipping back in the book and washing it with tears, this girl has made mistakes in her past and now she has realised those mistakes and decided to change, and you have clearly taken a liking to her the buck thought stops with you do you have the heart to stop flipping back and begin writing new chapters in her life, or will you forever be in tears over what is held in her past.
Now i must be harsh and say you need to wake up lad, perfect girls, women dont exist and if your looking for that then forever more be on a journey. Even the water you drink has a past, and its all on the severity of the past that many people base their decision on, but you must realise and understand the situation from another perspective, before i discuss that i will say that your fiances past is very distorted in a islamic context, and i assume you are religiously active to a certain degree hence your question on this site, so as i myself, i ask can you take on a challenge and together become better muslims, can you guide her with patience and care?, because it takes a lot of effort and work to get someone back on the right path after they have swung so much in the wrong direction, and it is a job not for the very emotional or lighthearted person. the major fact that seems to bother you is if she has slept with another man, well given your situation and current standing i would suggest you ask her and put this yes/no doubt out of head, big problem is are you ready to hack what she says back.
The different perspective, i have collated what you said and gave you my view on the situation and have posed a few questions you should ask yourself, now i will discuss this situation from another angle.
How are minds process and think vary, this directly impacts on what we can 'hack' and what is too much for us, its difficult to change but not impossible.
We are on this earth as a TEST, and along the way we face obstacles, difficulties and struggles with the aim being if we can keep faith in Allah and avoid divulging too much into this dunya, but we dont ever die it is our bodys that die, much like a car owner and his car, with the car crashing and the driver leaving unscathed. so we are souls inside a body which Allah has given us, we can use the body as we wish but it is temporary and the same way we entered we will leave the body, and what we take with us is our accomplishments for our soul, not the body but the soul.
So lets apply this to your situation, your fiance is another body just like you and me but her soul is different and unique to her, so when you talk and as you say ' i really like her' well you like her soul and the characteristics that it has, now her soul has made some mistakes and commanded her body wrong, so the body would wear mini skirts, make out with boys, drink, and smoke. but then all that stopped, it wasnt the body that stopped it but the soul, something made her soul see it was doing wrong and so she commanded the body differently, and so you come to see that it is a question of your heart, can it see through and understand the change she has made or not.
When you marry or if you marry her, you marry the soul not the body and when you are dead the body will remain here and the soul will return to its lord, so this girl has made some wrong choices, but she has decided to make a change, her soul made this change. And that soul TRUSTED you and confided in you, yet you struggle to see past the crimes of the BODY, in other words if humans could change bodys like they do cars, and she came to you in a new body with no past, yet her soul had a past in a previous body, you would accept her because that body is clean(so no man has touched it before), hence showing your weakness brother and adding that your mind thinks of the crimes of the body and cant get past this fact, that despite what he body has been through she has decided to start again, and thus in view of you she told you all so her soul is clean, and you may begin a new journey.
Its hard to grasp and hard to explain in writing, but i have tried my best and hope you understand it, and thus base you decision on this, can you answer the above questions positively, and most important is your heart big enough to see past the crimes of the body and love her soul, teach her and lead her to the right path, and last but not least, is the test or challenge of bringing this girl to the right path one you can uphold and carry out succesfully or is it too much.
I wish you every success, and i hope you can see through her past and see her for what she is now, because brother i hate to see muslim sisters in such a state and only hope they can be rescued, now you can change this girls life and make her into a good muslim, the first step had to be hers and she took it, take her words and see that it should make your bond stronger and full of trust and not put a bridge between your feelings and values of each other.
I hope you understood my points and may Allah guide you, insha'Allah
Don't marry her if you possibly can avoid. I've been living the situation. Now, I'm thinking about marring second time. You don't wanna be in the same situation. Please don't ask me what my wife did in her past. Just DON'T marry your fiance my brother. I'm telling you so that you can live in peace in your heart. Like a girl, you can/will never forget what wife did in her past.